


Time is a Metaphor

by CrushedRose, kocuria, kocuria-visuals (kocuria)



Series: The Value of Time [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Awesome Shuri (Marvel), Awesome Wanda Maximoff, Betaed, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Bucky is happy, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Steve Friendly, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Canon Fix-It, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Slow Burn, Social Media, Sort of a fix it, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, although stucky is endgame, bucky and sam are good friends, bucky has an amazing support system, bucky has social media, bucky moving on, it takes a while, steve learns his lesson, steve takes the stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 46
Words: 152,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22069141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrushedRose/pseuds/CrushedRose, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria-visuals
Summary: Time is a wonderful teacher, but in the end, kills all his students.Several months after his dramatic breakdown in "The Power of Five Seconds" Bucky is finally on a road to recovery.  He becomes part of a community in Wakanda, and starts to build a life with his new-found family around him. He and Steve are slowly and painfully rebuilding the trust lost after the events of Endgame.So of course, there must be another storm gathering just beyond the horizon.Disclaimer: We don't own Marvel or have any association with it. This is just our version of the story.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Shuri, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Wanda Maximoff, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: The Value of Time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1416133
Comments: 740
Kudos: 311





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone. Welcome to part 2!  
> This story starts out as very Steve-unfriendly (can you blame us..?), but we slowly work to redeem him - so you can expect a fluffy stucky happily ever after. After some truly rocky angst, of course.  
> As always, we love comments and constructive criticism - but remember, it's just our take on this story. If you do not like it, or disagree with our ideas, please don't read.
> 
> At this point we are planning to update on a weekly basis - the whole fic is written and through a first round of beta, we're now adding some final touches.
> 
> As in part 1, you can expect some moodboards - but the new thing is that we've thrown in a lot of social media throughout. We're also planning to post a timeline of the series at some point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 is a series of social media entries: blog, Twitter and Instagram, even emails with Steve, spanning from May to September. Throughout these few months Bucky recovers and builds a new life, before our story and a new adventure starts in chapter 2.  
> 

* * *

* * *

* * *

30 May 2024

_Bucky’s support group created._

_Shuri administrator_

_Wanda added_

_Sam added_

Shuri: Hey, so I created this group so we can talk about Bucky, his progress, our worries, and to support him and each other, there’s a few rough weeks ahead

Wanda: Awesome, thanks Shuri, this would save time talking back and forth

Sam: Yeah, great job… so, let me jump in. How is he?

Shuri: Bad, he shrinks into himself when anyone comes near him, he thinks his hair is a wall to the outside world, he hardly eats, and he only uses words when nods and headshakes don’t get the point across, or when he is talking to me, Mother and brother

Wanda: I am so worried about him. This isn’t good

Sam: No, it’s not, but not unexpected after what happened

Shuri: If I had any idea… I knew he was struggling, but after the talk we had, that one morning when Sam and Steve caught him with Cody, I really thought he turned things around...

Sam: That was a bad night… I saw more of Barnes I really wanted to… and in front of Steve. I just hope one day we will look back and remember the shock and not the pain of it

Wanda: Maybe, Sam, but it will take some time

Shuri: Time… am I the only one fed up with time and its mindfucking tendencies?

Wanda: Me too…

Sam: Yeah, enough with its fuckitty fuckwits… we all just need a break

Shuri: I should probably ask, how is the Old Man doing? He is in a hospital, right?

Sam: Yeah, he had a Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. The doctors are worried because he is not healing as he should, even with the medications. They were hoping that he still had enough serum left, but it doesn't seem to be the case. They are hesitant to release him

Shuri: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, that’s also called the broken heart syndrome?

Wanda: That’s correct

Shuri: So, he watches his wife die... buries her twice... watches the world fall apart and does nothing, wakes up 70 years into the future, fights aliens, fights 117 nations, fights a giant alien grape, watches his family, his friends, dissappear for five years – twice I might add – and the one thing that makes his heart go, ‘sorry, the number you’ve dialed does not exist’ is Bucky? Bucky going back into the past to kill a version of himself, Bucky telling him the real reason he is angry? And he still doesnt get it!?

Wanda: Wow... that’s a lot... but yeah...

Sam: Get what?

Shuri: What we saw, or didn't see everytime they look at each other! We all knew Bucky’s feelings, but Steve really never felt a thing? I mean, I had to watch the man break down everytime he stared at the cryo tank, talking to Bucky, even though he didnt hear a thing? WE did, the techs and scientists cried in the bathrooms when they took a break!!! Seriously...

Sam: Yeah, I’m with you girl, but I don’t think he ever thought about it, and if he did, he was too busy denying himself, seeking the next back alley fight or a way to prove he wasn’t weak

Shuri: Either way, he is second on my list, first is Bucky, my loyalty and priority is him

Wanda: Agreed

Sam: Yeah. Same. But I will also keep an eye on Steve

Shuri: That’s why you are the good one among us, Sam

Wanda: :) :)

Sam: Yeah, yeah... also the only man :/

Shuri: Got to go, Bucky just finished his therapy, I usually try to walk him back to his room

* * *

* * *

02 June 2024

_“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo._

_"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”_

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Aren’t books awesome? #LOTR #Tolkien #reading #watchingTheTrilogyNext #extendedCut #21stCenturyIsAwesome

_@MynameisBucky_

* * *

* * *

07 June 2024

Okay, this is me, and this is my blog. They said it would help. Talk about it, write about it. Right? For the world to see. Won’t be the first time my skeletons are broadcast, but hey, I’ve seen some of the blogs out there, and I think I’m pretty mild in comparison.

So, first things first. I’m Bucky. Or the White Wolf. My life… well... it's a long story, but since Google is your friend, you can search it.

This is my way of learning to live again, to make peace with so many things... I’ll try to take one issue per blog post and see how it goes. I will be here a while.

Okay.

This is enough for now.

I’m going to dunk my head in the lake.

_….. blog updated….._

* * *

* * *

10 June 2024

One word: “Ouch” #pain #ouch #30languagesAndIgotOuch _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Hahaha, she got you training didn’t she? #proud #goforit _@RedWispsofAir_

 _@RedWispsOfAir_ , I sure did! Tomorrow night he is dancing with us at the local fruit market. #SorryNotSorry #HeCanTakeIt #dancing #WhiteBoyDancing _@GeniusPrincess_

8 Hours! My legs are jelly! #StillFeelingIt #silllySiblings _@MynameisBucky_

Sorry, the number you’ve dialled doesn’t care, please try again later. Besides, we all know you can take it #hahahagotyou #callmetheQueen _@GeniusPrincess_

* * *

* * *

15 June 2024

To: [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

CC:

Subject: Hi.

Hi.

So… uhm...

How are you..

Fuck.

I can't do this...

Fuck

_Message saved as draft_

* * *

* * *

21 June 2024

……I realize, that maybe calling me the White Wolf is very accurate, after all. Princess always saw right through me, she knew my love for the moon, and the loyalty that lies within. After all, the moon taught me that’s it okay to be dark sometimes, it’s all a phase, we all go through phases. It doesn’t mean I’m empty, I’m just in hiding in a shadow. I read a quote a few days ago, and I’ll end with that:

_“I have late night conversations with the moon. He tells me about the sun, and I tell him about you.” SL Gray_

Until next time.

Take care.

Wolf trumps winter every time.

_…. blog updated…._

* * *

* * *

30 June 2024

Got a compliment today, heard that for a ‘white boi’ I got rhythm.” Life goals man, Life goals. #goals #thisWhiteBoiGotRhythm #takeThatFalcon _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ you do, it may not be the swinging 30’s. but you're entertaining to watch. PS. I won’t say what the other girls said….. _@GeniusPrincess_

 _@MynameisBucky_ , _@GeniusPrincess_ Don’t lie to my Rapunzel like that! _@AwesomeFalcon_

 _@GeniusPrincess, @MynameisBucky_ , Oh, got to hear this, what did they say about our adopted brother? _@AwesomeFalcon_ Be nice, I’ll hide your Frisbee _@RedWispsOfAir_

 _@MynameisBucky, @RedWispsOfAir_ Well, they complimented certain parts of his physique, many of our girls wants to be doctors now…… 😉 _@AwesomeFalcon_ Come visit, we can have a showdown! _@GeniusPrincess_

 _@GeniusPrincess_ , Hey!!!! _@AwesomeFalcon_ Take a hike, Frisbee man! Please go hide it _@RedWispsOfAir_ _@MynameisBucky_

* * *

* * *

30 June 2024

To: [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

CC:

Subject: Hi.

So, 2nd time…. Let’s try again, shall we.

So… uhm… How are you?

I’m okay, I’m good, reading a lot. Even did a few Instagram posts about it, Shuri says they are depressing… well, duh…

So about the video…

... I can’t do this.

Fuck.

_Message saved as draft._

* * *

* * *

04 July 2024

_“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite”_ ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince. _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ xoxoxoxo ♥♥♥♥♥♥ _@RedWispsOfAir_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Got your back man. Especially since you’re my older brother now _@Quicksilver_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Try Dr. Seuss with your next book _@GeniusPrincess_

* * *

* * *

14 July 2024

Short post today, so many things happening. Started an Instagram account, Shuri is determined to get me on every possible social media platform, I must ‘get with the times’. She said I must stay away from Tumblr though. She said it in a way, that I know without a doubt, that it's a challenge. Well… Challenge accepted.

The other challenge being that I got a job, it’s temporary but I am actually very excited about it. Teaching. Me, a teacher. English. To kids. Quite excited about it. So, my routine now is, teaching in the morning, training in the afternoon and then I have some time in the evenings, which is spent preparing for the next day. Awesome.

In between I get dragged to every celebration, small gathering, big gathering, family dinners, and whatever else, so I can be Shuri’s ‘plus one’. I think she just wants to make sure I’m okay, and the fact that she can laugh at my dancing is of course a bonus. I think most days her sole entertainment is me, either falling on my face doing a complicated move, or trying to get my knees over my head and keep rhythm. 

The Lindy Hop wouldn’t betray me like this.

_... blog updated..._

* * *

* * *

24 July 2024

To: [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

CC:

Subject: Hi.

Hi Steve. Uhm, so it’s been two months. I should probably have contacted you sooner. So, how are you? I’m… I’m good. Really. Started a blog, have Instagram and a job. Teaching. Can you imagine, me teaching kids? English. It was a hectic few days to get into it, but then again, I've always been a quick learner, and these days, you get the most amazing materials. Telling you, if we had that, I probably wouldn't have not skipped so many classes.

Anyway, Shuri got me to train with the warriors to stay in shape.

How’s things over there? I hear Sam is doing well with the shield (I’m still calling it a Frisbee in front of him) and Wanda is much happier now with Pietro. She says he finds it hard to believe they aren’t the same age, but I tell her to go easy on him. It's a huge adjustment, just ask… us, I guess.

I have to go now. The class is waiting.

Bucky

* * *

* * *

25 July 2024

To: [WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa](mailto:WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa)

CC:

Subject: RE: Hi

Hi Buck.

It's really really good to hear from you. I've been… you’ve been on my mind a lot lately. How are you doing? You always did love the sun. Is the lake still so full? I remember we once…

Everyone else is doing well. Peter is settling in nicely, he's in Europe at the moment. His aunt figured out that he is, in fact, Spiderman. Thor was here for a quick visit and update. What’s with Rocket asking for your arm?

You will make a fantastic teacher, you always did lead and teach people. Even when we were children, you've had a heart for people. It’s why you were such a great sergeant. You taught me a lot.

So… anyway...

Wanda and Pietro are settling in so well, he and Scott discovered their shared love of pranks. Wanda and Hope are the ones who suffers though. Sam, just once, and replied that they do not want to challenge him. Sam misses you, he is always on his phone making some remarks. He told me about your blog, and social media accounts. He reads some of your posts out loud and then he and Wanda would figure out how to reply. Wanda goes on about emojis and Sam is thinking sass. Would you mind if I followed you? May I read your blog?

The HQ is doing well, everything is set up nicely. Pepper gave us the latest software to reinstall FRIDAY, who immediately took over. It already feels so much like the Tower used to. Not exactly the same, but the new people and voices are nice.

There’s so much I want to talk about, to say, but I don’t know where to start, or whether I'm allowed to. 

I miss….

I'll email you again later.

Steve

* * *

* * *

31 July 2024 

_"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."_ — Tupac Shakur #nicelySaid #tupac #shakur #movingOn #iGotThis _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Yes YOU DO!! Brother _@GeniusPrincess_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Ahoooooooowlllll! _@Quicksilver_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Finally some music taste, next Marvin Gaye… _@AwesomeFalcon_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Take the pieces and build a new puzzle, I’ll help _@RedWispsOfAir_

* * *

* * *

04 August 2024

To: [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

CC:

Subject: Good

Hey, yeah, you can follow me if you’d like, not sure you will like every post though. My Instagram name is _@MynameisBucky_ and I attached a link to my blog site.

The kids are such a handful! Becca and the others were never this much. But I must admit, I enjoy every single minute of it. They are so willing to learn, and easy to laugh. I also never realised what a huge responsibility it is. I mean, they are so easy to teach, but what I teach them depends on me. There’s this one, Akhona, she discovered her name means ‘present’ and now she insists on giving small ‘presents’ to every teacher and kid she sees. I got a nice black pebble from the lake, it fits my arm apparently. Their minds are fragile, and when I take into account everything that happened to me, with my mind, I try to teach them the good, you know? The things that would build them up, that would make them strong. Physical strength is only as good as your mental strength. 

Oh, tell Pietro and Scott I'm proud of them, tell them not to be afraid of Sam, I give them permission. Prank his ass, keep him on his toes. Can you maybe tell me what his sister’s baby gender is? She’s a few months along now, right? I need to get the right present, but can’t openly pry. He will never let me live it down.

I don’t know if I told you last time, Shuri got me to train with the Dora? Man, was I out of shape! Or just a different type of shape, I’m on a different level now, but I love it. Keeps the mind occupied. And Shuri can’t laugh at me for getting certain moves wrong, I know them now, perfectly. So, take that, Princess. The dancing is fun, too. It really helped with the warrior training, I forgot how the agility helps with fighting. 

I will be honest though, not everyday is a good day. I see Shuri work, trying to help the neighbouring villages, help the world supplying food sources, it’s like the Depression all over again. The Blip, that’s what they call it? I hate it. Once again humanity is nothing more than a blip on a radar, as if an inconvenience… I miss… I have so many friends now, people that care, but you know… I still have…

Sometimes I still wish for things that can never be, but I’m getting better.

I thought of myself the other day, the one that died… I still don’t regret it. The therapist here wants me to talk about it. I don’t. I won’t. I don’t regret it. Strange says there are thousands of parallel universes out there, Shuri says maybe more. So, I’m really okay with the idea that there is one, just one, where I'm okay. Not great, but that’s a wish for another time.

My class is waiting (I take my lunch and cram as much in as I can!) Till later.

Bucky

Http://www.IamBucky.newblogworld.com

* * *

* * *

05 Aug 2024

To: [WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa](mailto:WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa)

CC:

Subject: RE: Good

I’m following you. I really like your posts, it looks like you’re really getting better, I mean not that you weren’t good, just… you know… you know, right?

Anyway. I’m glad you are enjoying your classes. Sam was very impressed when I told him. Oh, his sister is having a boy, Sam is hoping to be a godfather and that he will be named after him. ‘After all, I’m the Captain now,” his words, not mine.

I can imagine a big class being a handful, but then again, you can handle it. Becca and the twins loved you, following you around everywhere. You've always been a leader, a protector. I bet that’s why both Shuri and Wanda adopted you as their big brother. They feel safe around you, so I’m not worried about a bunch of kids. And I know you will teach them more than just a language.

Pietro and Scott have upped their game, I think they want to make you proud.

I’m glad you are training again, and dancing. I enjoyed your tweet about how the Lindy Hop… you are right, but then you never back down from a challenge. Talking about… Have you tried Tumblr yet?

I’m sorry that you have bad days, you don’t deserve them. I know I am a major part of it, the main reason – probably - I… I want to say 'sorry', but I don’t think that would be enough. I keep wondering if we will ever talk without this big chasm between us? I miss your com… Bucky, at this point I'm just grateful that you are willing to contact me. Maybe I can call you sometime?

I have another meeting with Fury, so I got to go.

Miss you,

Steve

* * *

* * *

12 August 2024

_“Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence._

_Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance._

_Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence._

_Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance.”_

― Yoko Ono

Discovered the Beatles today and then the story of John and Yoko Ono. Tragic. Found this little gem, so lovely, don’t you all think? Have a great last few months of winter everyone, summer is almost here! _@MynameisBucky_

#YokoOno #JohnLennon #Beatles #Quotes #almostSummer

* * *

* * *

17 August 2024

Okay, I take it back. Training for dancing is NOT easier than training for fighting. I don’t think I have feet anymore. Shuri, help… No, wait, it was your idea, “Do the festival, Bucky, it will be fun, Bucky, take part in the dance sequence, Bucky…” _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Stop whining, you like it. Besides, the training pays off _@GeniusPrincess_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Can we come and watch? _@RedWispsOfAir_

 _@MynameisBucky_ @RedWispsOfAir Sure! We’re having a festival ‘in memoriam’ all those we lost in the five years _@GeniusPrincess_

 _@MynameisBucky_ @GeniusPrincess I’ll be there! _@RedWispsOfAir_

* * *

* * *

22 Aug 2024

The festival is this weekend, the atmosphere is sombre, but still somehow light, and it's strange. We celebrate the lives lost, the opportunities lost, the memories… It's a joyous celebration, yet the tears run every day. Even though I was gone for those five years, there are those who stayed behind, who tell stories and it sounds like a nightmare. The silence... It makes me remember the poem of T.S. Elliot, especially the last verse:

_Here we go round the prickly pear, / Prickly pear prickly pear / Here we go round the prickly pear / At five o'clock in the morning. / Between the idea / And the reality / Between the motion / And the act / Falls the Shadow / For Thine is the Kingdom / Between the conception / And the creation / Between the emotion / And the response / Falls the Shadow / Life is very long / Between the desire / And the spasm / Between the potency / And the existence / Between the essence / And the descent / Falls the Shadow / For Thine is the Kingdom / For Thine is / Life is / For Thine is the / This is the way the world ends / **This is the way the world ends / This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but with a whimper.**_

That last sentence: not with a bang but with a whimper. That’s true, we fight and we have battle cries, we yell for freedom, and we scream in pain, and at the end, it's a groan of failure, a moan of despair that stops the loudness in the skies. It's the soft whimper of lost hope that echoes around us. I don’t think I will be ever able to understand - the meaning of being left behind after something on such a massive scale - but I will always be able to identify those who lost time. Those who wake up one moment, and so much has passed. That feeling of being adrift in a river, and then finding yourself in the middle of a thunderstorm in the ocean. 

We will dance to honour them, we dance to remember, and we also dance to forget. I dance for all of these. I cry for all of these. 

This isn’t a really good week for me, but I know I am not alone. I don’t have to go through this alone - I can, I’ve done it before, but now I know I don’t want to. I’m allowing myself to feel the pain, to accept the brokenness that comes with the struggle to survive another day. As Audrey Niffenegger wrote in the book “The Time traveller’s _wife_ _" “It is hard being left behind, it is hard to be the one who stays.”_ Life is hard. **So hard**.

I’m so tired.

But I will keep dancing.

PS. One good thing, Wanda is coming to visit, and bringing Pietro. I can’t wait to see her again. Can’t wait to hug her close.

_….. blog updated…._

* * *

* * *

25 Aug 2024

See this picture, it's me, Wanda, Shuri and Pietro. I look like I just got out of the shower, because I just did a full night of dancing. It was tons of fun. Wanda made a video…. *internal screaming*.

It was a good night, we cried, we laughed and we DANCED!!!

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it." — Mitch Albom

#DanceFestival #remembrance #forThoseWeLost #forThoseWhoLostUs #forEveryone #tiredButWorthIt

#family #wakandaForever _@MynameisBucky_

_Posted on Instagram_

_@MynameisBucky_ You were amazing! @RedWispsOfAir

 _@MynameisBucky @RedWispsOfAir_ Video or it didn’t happen!! _@AwesomeFalcon_

 _@MynameisBucky @AwesomeFalcon @Quicksilver @GeniusPrincess_ Here’s the video! Look at this amazing man! #bigBrotherDancing #dancefestival

 _@MynameisBucky @GeniusPrincess @Quicksilver @RedWispsOfAir_ Okay, I’ll admit… I’m impressed! _@AwesomeFalcon_

Post liked by @SGR8gers, @PilotJJ and 1489 others…

* * *

* * *

29 Aug 2025

To: [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

CC:

Subject: hey

Sorry for taking so long to email back, I… I didn’t have the best few weeks, things were hectic with the festival preparations and the dance routine, teaching, then Wanda and Pietro’s visit. It was so great to have them here. We hardly slept, we talked so much, and we ate so much, and drank so much, I’m so happy for my fast metabolism. Never thought I'd say that, but here we are. I miss them already. (I gave Pietro tips for pranks, make sure he uses them wisely.)

I don’t know if you read my last few blog entries, they weren’t as positive as the others, I just... My mind hasn’t been my greatest friend these past few days. Memories really know how to get one down.

The classes have been real good, I have a few misbehaving kids, but then again - I was one, so I know how to handle them. Thanks for believing in me, that I will be a great teacher. You may have been right in saying I didn’t do too much of a bad job back when we were kids.

I actually haven’t tried Tumblr yet, maybe today or tomorrow? I will let you know how it goes.

If it’s okay, I will call you first? I’m not sure… I know I need to talk to you sometime, it’s just, last time, that video… I said so much, and I know we should probably talk about it, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. I think slow and steady steps. I can’t really rush into anything at this moment, I’m making good progress, I don’t want a relapse. We… I will call… talk to you… just… give me time. Please?

I miss you too actually, I keep reading something and the first person I want to tell is you, and I find myself turning around… I’ll get there. I’m making good friends here, there is this geologist, Elethu, he keeps telling me to try out this café in town, apparently the best coffee this side of town, especially the one with the Kahlua liqueur, and I’m so tempted.

Got to prepare for tomorrow’s class. We’re handling tenses…

Bucky

* * *

* * *

29 Aug 2024

To: [WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa](mailto:WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa)

CC:

Subject: RE: hey

Buck, I’m so sorry you had a rough time. I saw the video Wanda posted, I didn’t comment, I wanted to, but… anyway, you were amazing! Incredible to watch. You did so well.

Wanda and Pietro really enjoyed it, they keep telling everyone how good you look, and how you would laugh. Pietro is looking up to you. He told Sam that he asked you if he could call you and text you whenever, and was very happy that you were more than happy to. I think it’s more than just gratitude for saving his life, I think he really is inspired by you, by everything you’ve accomplished and were able to do. I must admit, it is inspiring to see you these days.

I read all your stuff, every blog and every post. I really loved that photo you posted at the festival. You all look so happy. I understand that not every day will be a good day, and I’m glad you have people around you to help you, to guide you. You deserve it all. You deserve… uhm…

Hey, if I remember correctly, we both misbehaved, I tried to pay attention – the few times I actually made it to class – but you were always distracting. Couldn’t sit still.

I’m looking forward to your Tumblr experience, it's something I've never been able to do. I learned that you never Google yourself or go on Tumblr.

Sure, you can call when you are ready, I will wait. I miss your voice, but I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. Your timeline.

You should try that coffee, I just know the ‘Irish’ coffee, with the hint of whiskey, so that should be a good experience. I also have tried a Dom Pedro once, that’s also good.

Good luck with your class.

Steve

* * *

* * *

02 Sept 2024

Tumblr….. Tumblr… so I said challenge accepted, right? I may have been a bit overzealous in proving my strength. So certain blogs… yeah… others… nyet. I’m… flabbergasted. Interesting side note, I am part of three main ‘otps’, at least they got the gender right ;) #tumblr #otp #LGBTQA #tumblrKnowsMoreAboutMeThanIDo _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ And what would those otps be? And what’s the names. How much artwork? Are you going back? @RedWispsOfAir

 _@RedWispsOfAir_ Not telling you, go Google yourself… no, wait… I ban you. Not going back anytime soon _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Your true otp is the one with the most phone cases… Ha hahahahahahah _@AwesomeFalcon_

 _@AwesomeFalcon_ I’m going to buy you one, so you can have my face with you always! _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBuck_ Oh hell no, I don’t want my screen to crack, no matter how strong the phone is. Poor phone. _@AwesomeFalcon_

 _@MynameisBucky_ They say you should never Google your own name, and look for yourself on Tumblr. I agree on certain blogs though, especially the educational ones, sharing tips and so on. Give those a go. _@PilotJJ_

 _@PilotJJ_ Thank you, good advice. I will search for those. _@MynameisBucky_

* * *

* * *

10 Sept 2024

God, this week. I guess that’s life, ups and downs. A constant battle. The shittiest thing about it all is the memories. Those videos that play and replay in your mind over and over again. There’s no remote, no play button, it's instant, a smell, a touch, the way the wind blows across the lake, the way you moved during the night and you remember… It comes and knocks you out when you make a dish, and the dish has a meaning, it's something that triggers another playback. Or you go through your drawers and you find a picture… fuck… it's so horrible.

Even worse is when your mind provides you with the sound effects too, and you hear it, you feel it, you can touch it, and it happened so, so long ago, but feels like yesterday. I think the best thing invented, yet the biggest curse at the same time, is photography. It can be amazing, so bittersweet - some days more bitter than sweet though. The worst is how for that moment in time, everything is fine, and so long after, everything is so different, except that faces on paper.

This is a short post, I will try to write something longer next time.

I will leave you with this: _“All photographs are memento mori. To take a photograph is to participate in another person’s (or thing’s) mortality, vulnerability, mutability. Precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time’s relentless melt.”_

― Susan Sontag

_….. blog updated….._

* * *

* * *

19 sept 2024

A kid drew this picture today, especially for me. I think it's the first time I've ever pretended to have ‘something in my eye’ #SchoolKids #teacher #worthwhile #iLoveTeaching #artwork _@MynameisBucky_

_Posted on Instagram_

_@MynameisBucky_ Aawwwwww that’s so sweet. You are an amazing teacher, and an amazing big brother. We love you very much _@RedWispsOfAir_

 _@MynameisBucky @RedWispsOfAir_ Damn straight! He is a blessing to know, fun to make fun of and worth all the hugs in the world #BrotherLove _@GeniusPrincess_

 _@RedWispsOfAir @GeniusPrincess_ My endless love and gratitude for you. The honour of knowing you is mine ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥XXXXXXXX _@MynameisBucky_

* * *

* * *

24 Sept 2024

_“There are memories that time does not erase... Forever does not make loss forgettable, only bearable.”_ ― Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire”

#noLongerABurden #slowlyButSurely #aNewChapter #lifeIsWhatHappensWhenYouMakePlans #dreamANewDream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've decided to flesh this chapter out a bit more with a series of drabbles - centering on dancing and Bucky's newfound Wakandan family - that can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22114414).
> 
> There's a timeline for this whole series! You can find the [timeline for part 1 HERE](https://imgur.com/u0ogEGA), and the timeline for this chapter below (click the image for full size):  
>   
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have a metal arm, that’s so awesome!” Morgan exclaims noticing it, her eyes bright and hands reaching out. Bucky holds out the arm, palm up. Open, inviting. “Mom, check it out, does it also make you fly? And cover your whole body? And change colour?” she rambles off, running her hands up and down the metal.

28 September 2024

Bucky is sitting in his classroom, the one he would be using for the next six months. He's nervous, jittery but very excited. He can’t wait. The tables are all neat in front of him, his desk big and empty so far. He isn’t sure what he will add when he starts on Monday, maybe a pitcher with water, that's always a good idea, and his phone charger…

In front of him are the class’ books - he wants to go through each child’s book, to get a feel for them, to see how they mark details, how they write, what they write down, the doodles they make, how complete their work is, and so on. It’s elementary stuff, but still, the foundation years are the most important.

His laptop is open since he wants to plan the classes ahead as well. He knew he's going to enjoy this. His hair's in a bun, much more manageable than the usual mop against his ears. He has earphones in, rediscovering music of all the decades, going through the preselected playlists on his app. He can choose to go by decades, inspiration, dance style, moods, and so many more. It really helps him - he would start with one song, depending on his mood, and go from there. Currently it's a ‘ _soft afternoon drive_ ’.

“Bucky?” The voice startles him and he pulls the earphones out, turning to the door to see Shuri standing there, smiling comfortingly.

“Shuri, hey, sorry, I didn’t see you coming,” Bucky tries not to show how much he didn’t expect to be caught off guard.

Shuri starts to giggle. “Did I startle you?”

“NO.”

“I did… yeah, one point for me,” Shuri replies, holding out a finger, looking very smug. Bucky starts to laugh at that, shaking his head. Only Shuri.

“You can have them all Princess, you know I trust you.”

“That I do.” Shuri bites down on her lip, turning serious. Bucky frowns at her.

“Is everything okay? Something wrong? Did the parents complain about me-” Bucky starts, feeling suddenly scared and hopeless. He knew this was a bad idea, him, a teacher? With kids?

Shuri rushes forward and hugs him tight. “No! No… Bucky, no… They all love it that you agreed to do this,” Shuri assures him, her voice strong and her grip tight.

“Then… I don’t-” Bucky answers, uncertainty all over his face and body. So tense.

Shuri lets go and looks him in the eye. “You have a visitor from the US- It’s not them, any of them,” Shuri quickly corrects before Bucky can ask any questions, knowing his first thought would be Steve, or Fury, or anyone else that isn’t Sam or Wanda.

Bucky narrows his eyes, glancing to the door and back a couple times, ready to bolt at any moment. Shuri’s tight grip is keeping him grounded. “Then who? And why would they want to see me?” he opts instead.

“Because they have a very very important, vital message for you - something you need to hear, something that will help you.”

“Is it his kids?… I can’t… Shuri… I’m not… I don’t… they… can't…” Bucky somehow loses the ability to form words, a thousand questions in his head, but only a handful of sounds come out.

“No, I would not do that to you, not until you are ready! I know you are ready for this though, even if you think you aren’t.”

They've come to an agreement, when he first got here, that he will contact the others on _his_ terms, he will see them all when _he_ is ready - but he doesn’t know about this visitor, and Shuri knows he is ready for this one.

“Shuri… you are scaring me, just a little bit.”

“Trust me on this, okay?” Shuri begs softly before stepping out into the doorway, smiling and holding her hand out. Bucky watches, his fists clenching and unclenching, as a figure comes from behind the door. Bucky feels his stomach drop, his eyes widen. His blood rushes to his head, making him dizzy; his heart skips a beat then restarts rapidly as adrenaline rushes through him. He knows this guest, he can’t fathom why she's here, though. His head is telling him to run, this isn’t good - but a small part wants to trust Shuri. Please don’t let her betray him.

* * *

* * *

He looks at the guest, the soft blue eyes, the strawberry blonde hair. Mrs Pepper Stark. She is smiling reassuringly, trying to put him at ease; her whole body is calm, a bit tense but inviting. Nothing about her posture or her looks is threatening.

“Hello, James, or can I call you Bucky?” Pepper asks softly, stepping into the room. She's very casual, dressed in a pair of light shorts and a white blouse, sunglasses on top of her head. Behind her are Shuri, the bodyguard he knows as Happy and a little girl carrying a big Wakanda teddy bear.

He looks back at Shuri before focusing on Pepper. Willing his heart to slow down, his brain to work normally. “Bucky… please, Bucky is fine.” 

“Then I’m Pepper, okay?” Bucky nods and Morgan comes rushing in.

“Is this the White Wolf Princess Shuri talked about?” she asks, staring at Bucky with big eyes and a huge smile. Bucky nods at her, unable to talk. What is he supposed to say? Where does he even begin? He's never said a word to her, or Pepper, they hardly glanced at each other back at the funeral.

“Cool, can you howl? Like this, awoooooo!” she tries and Pepper tries to stop her. 

“Morgan- really…”

“But a wolf howls!” Morgan explains, opening her mouth to howl again.

Bucky feels his resolve failing. She's breaking the ice without even knowing it. He takes a small step forward, trying to smile politely, his hands by his side, surrendering. “Not as well as you, Miss Stark.”

“Morgan… It’s fine. If Mommy is Pepper and Happy is Happy, I am Morgan… And this is Burrito, my bear.”

Bucky crouches down so he's kneeling, holding his flesh arm out to shake her hand. “I’m Bucky. Morgan, may I shake your hand?”

“You may,” Morgan replies, impressed, and shakes his hand.

“And Burrito’s?” Bucky asks once she lets go, keeping his hand out.

“Of course,” Morgan answers, holding out the bear.

“It’s good to meet you, Burrito.”

“You have a metal arm, that’s so awesome!” Morgan exclaims noticing it, her eyes bright and hands reaching out. Bucky holds out the arm, palm up. Open, inviting. “Mom, check it out, does it also make you fly? And cover your whole body? And change colour?” she rambles off, running her hands up and down the metal. Pepper tries to stop her, but Bucky holds out his other hand.

“It’s okay,” he answers her, before looking back at Morgan. “No, it doesn’t. It’s just an arm, Shuri made it for me.”

“That’s awesome, mommy has a whole suit out of metal, it’s blue. I like red, and Burrito likes yellow,” Morgan goes on, pointing to her bear with a bright yellow dress.

Bucky smiles. “My sister once had a cloth doll with yellow hair. She was called Polka, because of her red and yellow polka dot dress.”

Shuri and Pepper share a look.

“What was your sister’s name?” Morgan asks.

“Becca, short for Rebecca. She was only called by her ‘big’ name when she was naughty, I called her Becs when I teased her.”

“Did you tease her a lot?”

“No, only when she was teasing me.”

“Where is she now?”

“She- She… died… Many years ago,” Bucky answers, clearing his throat.

“Like my dad?” Morgan asks and Pepper crouches down as well, her eyes shiny with tears. Bucky can relate, his eyes are bright too.

“Listen, why don’t you and Happy go play outside, I saw some swings? And take Burrito, okay?” Pepper tries, looking towards Happy who steps closer, holding out his hand.

“Okay,” Morgan replies and walks a few steps before turning around. “Bye, Bucky.”

“Bye, Morgan, Burrito,” he says, standing upright again and looking away as he tries to subtly wipe his eyes.

“Sorry, I just haven’t thought of her in a long time…” Bucky feels really uncomfortable, getting emotional like this in front of them, but he can’t help it. His sisters are a sore topic, one he tries to avoid.

“It’s okay. It’s a nice story,” Pepper answers and holds out a tissue for him and taking one for herself.

“Nah, I'm okay.”

“Take one, you’re going to need it,” Pepper replies, smiling softly at him. Bucky takes it. “Can I sit down?” Pepper asks and points to one of the children’s tables.

“Please, of course, but you can use mine…” Bucky points to his chair at the desk, but Pepper waves him off.

“Oh, I’m used to small chairs, try having a daily tea party in one.”

Bucky smiles and then moves to the table next to her, pulling out a chair and sitting down. His hands are folded together, the tension back in his shoulders. Pepper watches him and is reminded of the talk she had with Shuri, months ago, requesting this meeting; then the calls, emails, double-checking that she indeed means no harm. She saw what Hydra did, she is here to make amends, to tell the truth.

“You’re probably wondering why I am here?”

“A little,” Bucky answers softly, trying to look in her in the eye but always glancing away at the last moment, biting his lip.

“I need to tell you something, something I know from personal experience will help you. I wanted you to hear it from me, not anyone else.” Bucky looks at her, his eyes so broken but his body resilient, strong, bracing itself for impact.

He expects the worst, Pepper thinks, and reaches out, her hands covering Bucky’s. It causes his body to freeze, but Pepper doesn’t mind. She knows she's working with a vulnerable man, someone who needs a gentle touch, a kind word.

“After Siberia… Tony was hurt… And in a bad place. He gathered everything he could on you, on Hydra, on anything related to either of you. He only got to go through it and watch it after the Snap. He told me that he wanted to prove you wrong, wanted to prove that you _did_ have a choice, he wanted to justify his actions… He said that if you remember them all, you must have been aware of your actions.”

Pepper takes a breath. Bucky still hasn’t moved or relaxed even slightly. She squeezes Bucky’s hands and he looks at her. His eyes are filled with so much regret, so much pain, but also, expecting the worst.

“Instead… he proved you right… and proved himself wrong.”

Bucky’s breath hitches as he looks at her, his eyes boring into hers. She can see the disbelief, the small flicker of hope in the dark broken eyes.

“What?”

“I found him on the floor in his lab, crying… Admitting that he was wrong, that what they did to you was beyond human, that it was downright evil. He said he would never have lasted as long as you did, serum or not. I know you know he was taken once, held hostage for three months - he once told me, what saved him was that he wasn’t alone, that there was another person there with him, encouraging him. Tony drew strength from that. He said he wouldn’t have last as long as he did if it wasn’t for this man, Yinsen. Three months and his entire life was changed. You've been there, completely alone, for seventy years… He said he might not be able to fix things, that he couldn’t bring you back, but he could make sure to clear your name. To make sure the world knows you are innocent.”

“But…” Bucky tries, stunned.

“He knew he couldn’t do it outright, Steve and Tony weren’t on speaking terms, so he did the next best thing - he left crumbs, a paper trail for Steve and Natasha to find. Steve was dead set on clearing your name, even in death, so Tony made sure he succeeded. Natasha and Steve thought that they could find more information than before because so many security agencies were failing after the Snap, that the roads were smoother than before. It still took about three years, but your name was - and is - cleared.” 

Bucky stares at her, unbelieving, in shock and wonder. “What...? Tony helped…”

“Yes, neither Steve nor Natasha ever found out. It was his private mission, I knew because I helped, I’m married to him, or, was…” Pepper tries to cover her grimace with a smile. Bucky’s hands start to shake and Pepper watches as his eyes can’t keep the tears in anymore, the first to fall followed immediately by the next and the next. His shoulders start to shake and Pepper lets go of his hands and wraps him into a hug. He sags against her, loud sobs racking his body. Shuri, keeping watch through the door, tries to keep her own tears at bay, and fails miserably. Pepper's crying too.

She holds Bucky for several minutes before he sits up, wipes his eyes, takes the tissue she offered from the small desk and blows his nose. “Tony- He, huh… He…”

“Yes, he forgave you.”

Bucky lets out another sob and smiles, looking at the door where Shuri stands. “You knew?” he asks, not angry or judging, just confirming.

Nodding, she rushes over to him, sitting on her heels and hugging him close. “Yes. I wanted to make sure you were safe and that Pepper was genuine, I couldn’t let you get hurt again. I arranged the meeting because it is time for you to properly move on, you've made huge progress these past few months, even agreeing to therapy when you came here. This is - was - the last piece you needed to move on. To let go. There’s nothing dragging you down anymore, Bucky. You are free, in every sense, innocent, your name is cleared. You are forgiven,” Shuri answers as Bucky holds her tight. 

He slowly lets go, putting his hands on her cheeks. “You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and I will forever be in your debt. I will always always be there for you, wherever I am, just call. Okay?”

“I will, but not because you owe me - because you are my brother, debt free is debt free, Bucky.”

Bucky chuckles at that, wiping his eyes again. Pepper watches them with red-rimmed eyes. He takes her hands. “Thank you, Pepper. _Thank you_. Although debt free, know that I will be there for you, if you ever need me. If I may?”

“You may,” Pepper answers, smiling.

“Okay, I think that’s enough crying for one day! I promised Morgan a tour of my lab and cheeseburgers, so come on, let’s all go have lunch,” Shuri orders, pulling both of them up. 

“Will there be those cinnamon thingies I like?” Bucky asks and Shuri rolls her eyes.

“Yes, on the condition that you learn to howl for Morgan.”

“I think I can do that, for those cinnamon thingies? I can howl all night. Pepper, you have to try them, they are amazing,” Bucky answers as he walks out with the two women. Morgan sees them coming and rushes over with Happy in tow.

“Let’s go get lunch… Oh, Morgan, Bucky says he will practise howling with you?” Shuri comments as they all start to walk back to the Palace. The atmosphere is light, the tension gone, a little girl and a grown man howling into the open sky.

* * *

* * *

28 September 2024

_Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future_ \- Paul Boose #forgiveness #future #movingon _@MynameisBucky_

 _@MynameisBucky_ Agreed. One of my favorites is the following: "Forgiveness is a funny thing, it warms the heart and cools the sting" by William Arthur Ward. Looking forward to seeing your future and being a part of it. Hugs from Morgan! _@VirginiaStark_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky knows the feeling, he can identify to an extent - the happiness of a second chance. Of a new beginning. He sees sunsets and sunrises differently. It took him years, but he's finally there. These past few months were instrumental in helping him get here. To sit at a desk, smiling and laughing with children and grown-ups alike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After some consideration, we're changing the publication schedule to weekends, so you can expect next chapters to come out on Saturdays or Sundays :)

* * *

* * *

04 Oct 2024

This made me think of you. You inspired today's class, dragonlady _@RedWispsOfAir_  
#mylittlesis #Bigsis #igotsiblingsagain #thoughtofyou

* * *

Bucky is sitting at his desk, several pages in front of him. Dragons on every page, all different shapes and sizes staring back at him and he smiles at each and every one, marvelling at the imagination of children. Still so young and pure; many of them do not remember the five years that much, one day they just woke up and suddenly had many more friends to play with. The hide and seek games taking longer, because there’s so many more participants. The laughter is louder, the atmosphere lighter. The grown-ups and teenagers remember, they will always remember. Some will always have a shadow hiding behind their eyes.

Bucky knows the feeling, he can identify to an extent - the happiness of a second chance. Of a new beginning. He sees sunsets and sunrises differently. It took him years, but he's finally there. These past few months were instrumental in helping him get here. To sit at a desk, smiling and laughing with children and grown-ups alike. Grabbing a particularly vibrant dragon, he quickly takes a photo and posts it on his Instagram, tagging Wanda.

He puts all the papers together and quickly cleans the room, smiling as the kids play outside and laughter fills the air. Barely ten minutes later his phone rings. His smile turns wider when he looks at the screen.

“Hey, you. How are you?”

“Hi, Bucky. I’m good, I take it was a good class today? If that picture is anything to go by. I’m glad you thought of me,” Wanda replies.

Bucky moves to a table and sits on it, his legs dangling. “Yeah. I had to tell them a story, and I asked what animal they want to hear about, and this one kid Cetshwayo chose the first thing that came to mind, which was dragons. He is obsessed with them, thinks every lizard is a baby dragon and wants to keep it. So... I told them one.”

“Do you actually know any dragon stories other than the ones I told you and we watched together?”

“Uhhh, I do now! Turns out, I can make one up, and it was pretty good, you would be impressed.”

“Then you better tell me.”

“I’ll remember it, maybe make the heroine Wanda…” Bucky can hear her laugh and laughs too.

“How've you been? Pietro and the rest?”

“We’re all good; Sam is training us, and it’s good. Scott and Hope are getting real serious too, they may even be thinking about having a kid together. Cassie is all for it. Sam is super excited about becoming an uncle and already bought so many of his own merch… It’s hilarious. Bruce is doing community work, helping out at rec centres and construction sites because of his strength. Hill and Fury got the Avengers Initiative up and running, with Steve managing here. So far we haven’t had any real missions, but Fury says it is a matter of time. Many groups out there will make a play for power, and that might cause strife.”

Bucky sighs loudly. He knows sooner or later he will probably be called into the Initiative to help again - after all, he has skills they can use. He is stronger than an ordinary human, and they mentioned him in the media as one of the heroes who helped win the war. He doesn’t feel like he did anything, but he's not going to complain. People don’t want to kill or incarcerate him any more, so it all worked out. He and Steve are slowly starting to talk again but he hasn’t talk talked with him yet, just emails. He has no idea how he's doing, how his kids are, his grandkids, what happened after he saw the video…

“Wands…” he asks quietly and Wanda's voice becomes softer. It happens every time he uses the nickname. One of the kids in his class couldn’t pronounce it and ended up with Wands, and now Bucky uses it when feels emotional.

“Yeah?”

“How’s he doing? Really doing?”

“Bucky…”

“Please, I miss him, I’m not so raging angry anymore, it's a bit of a dull ache... But in the end, I care, I always will.”

“He is… surviving. He misses you a lot, and I know it bothers him that we have such good relationship. I know he feels, well, not really jealous, but he misses you. He longs for your company. I caught him the other day staring at a picture of the two of you. He doesn’t really talk about his life anymore, he's quiet, doing his thing and then reading. Or writing. It looks like he started a journal or something. He knows how much he hurt you, and wishes he could take it back, that he could make things right by you. He told Sam that you guys have been emailing, and that you are not ready to talk to him? He wishes he could call you.”

“I… I’m not sure… I know I should, one day, I just… I’m good right now, you know…”

“I know, your tweet the other day was promising, ‘moving on’ and ‘a new chapter’, anything you would like to share?” she teases.

“I knew if there’s anybody who would pick up on it, it would be you and Shuri. She’s waiting for her chance, and I know it.”

“Well, tell me!”

“You know I’ve been telling you about that geologist, who was taking soil samples near the school the other day?” He smiles shyly.

“The one who couldn’t stop talking about the interesting rocks and stones under your feet? You said he's been flirting with you.”

“He asked me out, for coffee.”

Bucky pulls the phone away as her shriek echoes over the speaker. “That’s awesome! Did you say yes? Are you going on a date?”

“I did, yeah. Next week. It is just coffee, but it is... something.”

“It’s great! Are you ready though?”

“I’m not sure? But I am taking it slow, he knows what happened and so far he isn’t pressuring me. It's just coffee, and it's in the morning, it's a public holiday so he said morning, which would be less pressure.”

“That is very considerate of him. What’s his name?”

“Elethu, it means ‘our hope' or 'our pride’. He is the only son with four sisters.”

“Oh, if that’s not romantic…”

“It’s just a name, Wands.”

“And James means ‘supplanter’ and ‘one who follows’ and that is just as romantic.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“I’m happy for you, Bucky. Even if you are not ready for something serious yet, I want you to be happy. We all do.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it. I need to get back to cleaning up the classroom, talk to you later?”

“Of course. Have fun.”

“I will. Bye, Wands.”

“Take care, Bucky.”

Smiling, Bucky puts the phone down and stares at the screen. He really is happy with the progress he's made. He should move on, and he's come so far since five months ago. He can be proud of himself.

Tucking the phone away, he finishes up before making his way to his rooms within the palace. He needs to change before his training in the afternoon.

Back in New York, Wanda smiles as she hangs up and turns around to find both Steve and Sam watching her. “Hi, guys?”

“We heard you yell and came to check if you’re okay?”

Wanda blushes. She didn’t realise she yelled so loudly. “I’m sorry, yeah, I’m fine. I was just talking to Bucky.”

“From the sounds of it, he's making plans?” Sam asks, smiling and already interested.

Wanda returns the smile. “Yeah, a geologist asked him out for coffee. They are going out one morning next week, it’s a public holiday.”

“Why a morning?” Sam asks. Steve is just standing there, not doing anything, unsure of how he feels about this. He can’t participate in the conversation, he doesn’t know what to say.

“Because he knows Bucky had a rough time and wants to minimise the pressure.”

“Wow, that’s actually really considerate.”

“I know. Bucky is really happy about it, he says he wants to take things slow, doesn’t want extra pressure,” Wanda replies before taking off, smiling and happy.

Sam watches her go, before turning back to Steve. “You okay?”

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” Steve asks, trying to sound normal and failing.

“He's moving on,” Sam says, waiting for a reaction.

“He should,” Steve answers bluntly.

Sam briefly closes his eyes. “He will come around and call you. He did start to email you, right? I know you two have a long way to go, but you are allowed to admit that this is hurting you.”

Steve looks back at Sam. “I don’t think I can compare my hurt to the hurt I’ve caused him.”

“It’s not how it works. Besides, you still need to tell him about your condition.”

“I can’t, not until we are friends again.”

“Why not? Steve, this is serious, your heart is damaged, you need to take medicine, your blood pressure is constantly low-”

“I know what I have, Sam,” Steve interrupts. They stare at each other for a while, before they deflate and look away.

“Steve, you got the heart condition after he left, I found you passed out on Bucky’s bedroom floor, it took his departure for you to be hurt, no one else’s…”

“I still had some serum left when Peggy died.”

“I’m not trying to say her death hurt less. I’m trying to say... Oh, it doesn’t matter. You need to tell him, he will be upset if you don’t.”

“I want him to talk to me on his terms, when he is ready, not because he was pressured into it by my heart condition.”

Sam runs his hand over his face. Steve can be so stubborn. He still remembers how he found Steve, passed out, tears on his face, Bucky’s photo in his hand, clutching his side. He first thought Steve was dead - he was so pale, but then he felt a pulse and Steve’s own road to recovery started. He was in hospital for a week, Sam, Bruce and all the others were trying to help him, to give some sort of comfort, but nothing helped. The new Avengers even met his family - it was hard not to, meeting around Steve’s hospital bed. They were shocked, they didn’t understand. They nagged Sam until he told them. JJ wanted to know what was going on; he wasn’t stupid, he knew it had something to do with Bucky.

It's been a difficult time for all of them. They had to put aside their differences and help Steve get on his feet again. Steve was difficult, he blamed himself for what had happened to Bucky, he cried himself to sleep for what he's done, for what he made Bucky do. He confessed to Sam one night that he never thought that just telling a younger Bucky that Steve lived a full life without him was enough for him to give up. He never knew that Bucky was awake when they sawed his arm off. He watched the video several times, crying each time as Bucky talked to his younger self, telling him he did well, that they could be proud of Steve, that Steve got it all. He and Sam spent many nights talking, when Sam had to help Steve deal with all of it. That Bucky is doing well in Wakanda, that he's finding his feet.

He thinks back to the day Steve got that first email from Bucky, that utter joy on his face. It was the first time he smiled for real since he was released from hospital. That was when he finally started to believe Sam when he said thing will get better with time.

“Sam...” Steve starts, shaking Sam out of his thoughts.

“I know he will be mad, but he will understand. You’ve been telling me all these months to give it time, and I am. It's hard, I struggle every day, but I've learned my lesson when it comes to him. I will take it slow, I will do it on his terms, not mine. Never again on mine.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Steve watches as Sam walks back into the office. He has so many questions, so many things on his mind. Most of them, hell, all of them, about Bucky. How is he doing? Does he have more good days than bad? Is he coming back? Is it serious about this guy? Will he stay in Wakanda if he's in a relationship?

Will he ever be able to apologize for his mistakes? Will he ever be able to call Bucky his best friend again? Will Bucky ever look at him, see the “little punk” and smile, or will it always be the stoic empty look? Will… so many questions… all of them unanswered.

“You coming?” Sam asks from the desk.

Steve looks down and walks back in. “Yeah, let’s get this meeting over with.”

After changing, Bucky notices he still has a few minutes left before the training and quickly checks his emails. There’s one from Steve - it came yesterday, but he hasn't read it yet.

Biting down on his lip, he opens it.

* * *

* * *

To: WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa  
CC:  
Subject: Thank you

Hey, I know it is probably late, and I have no right to do this, but I just want to say thank you. I saw the tweet and JJ replying, and you replied back. I know you know who he is, the ‘pilot’ part of his screen name is because he is a pilot. My other son is an Air Force Captain, but they both fly, JJ does it for a private airline. He… Anyway… They – my kids – know you’re in Wakanda, they don’t know the specifics…

I’m lying. They do. They overheard me talking to Sam. They only know I was responsible, that I hurt you and you needed to get away. They don’t know about your younger self. God… I shouldn’t have told you this, but I don’t want to keep it from you. I just… I just wanted to say that JJ liked your reply, that you made him happy and I wanted to thank you for that.

Please don’t… Please don’t let this make the chasm wider. You were going to find out, I rather it be me.

I’m sorry.

* * *

Bucky stares at the screen, the words swimming in front of his eyes till they become a big gray mass of nothing.

They know, Steve’s kids know that Bucky had a fucking breakdown. At least Steve is honest about it.

He shouldn’t let this bother him, he shouldn’t. But it does. The whole world knows, and Steve is right, they would’ve found out sooner or later. At least this way Steve took responsibility for it.

Running his hands through his hair, he gets up and leaves the room. He can’t deal with this right now. Maybe later. Maybe after he punched a few warriors - or tried to, they are too good.

As expected, the training is very good for his mind. He runs and jumps, he sweats and sweats, his hair is wet and dirty, he smells and he lands on his ass a couple of times. Just what he needed. By the time he gets back to his rooms, he's tired. It's been a long day. He's looking forward to a long bath - not a shower, just lying in a tub full of hot water, drifting in and out of sleep. Before he can go and get water running, there's a knock on the door.

“You smell terrible, brother.”

Bucky looks up to see Shuri standing in the doorway. It was one of her conditions of his stay here, he is to have a room in the palace, overlooking the gardens. It's open and peaceful, not closed to the public, yet far enough to have some privacy. There's a huge stoop, and he sometimes sits in one of the garden chairs and reads a book. He loves sitting here on Sundays, the calm before another week.

Laughing, he shakes his wet hair towards her. “Be nice, I’m an old man.”

“Pffft, call the ambulance… You know, Sam is right, you are starting to look like Rapunzel with that long hair.”

“Hey, it’s fashion.”

“In your head maybe.” Bucky, showing how old he is, sticks out his tongue, which causes her to burst out laughing, Bucky joining her. “So… I hear you are going on a date…”

“Oh my word, is there some speed service on the latest news?”

“Hmmm, yeah, so you finally going to take Elethu up on his offer for coffee?”

“Yes, it's at the café he mentioned, we’re going next week, on the public holiday. It's just coffee, Princess”

Shuri drops her smile and looks at him seriously. “I know, but I also know it's a huge step for you. I don’t want to placate you, or doubt you, I just want to make sure you are doing it because you want to, not because you think you should. It’s okay to say no.”

Sighing, Bucky points to the two garden chairs and sits down, Shuri following. Bucky looks at her before looking away, towards the fountain, the water bubbling loudly, calming him down. “I know. I wanted to say yes. Even if nothing comes of it, I will make a friend, hopefully. And I get to experience something new,” Bucky replies, folding his hands in his lap.

“Do you think you are ready for something more?”

“I don’t know. But I also know if I don’t try to move on I will never know if I can. Does it make sense?”

“Yeah, it does. Elethu is a good man. His heart is in the right place, he'll be kind and considerate towards you, he knows what you’ve been through. He also knows that if he hurts you, he has me to deal with.”

“What if I hurt him?” Bucky asks, looking worried.

“I think as long as you are both honest with one another, from the get go, things will work out, whatever way that may be.”

“Thanks,” Bucky says, a weight lifting from his chest.

“You’re welcome.”

It is quiet for a few minutes before she looks at him. “How’s things between you and Steve, have you called him yet?”

Bucky shakes his head slowly. “He sent me an email…” Bucky proceeds to tell her, and Shuri jumps up and kneels in front of him, holding on to his hands.

“Are you angry?”

“I don’t know, it was bound to happen, right? I mean, I tweet about being here, I blog about it… At least he took responsibility for hurting me. That’s something, right?”

“Is it the first time you’ve mentioned what you did? About the reason you are here?”

“Yeah,” Bucky nods, looking lost.

“I can’t tell you what to do, or how to feel, but maybe you need to start talking to him, really talking. You will never get rid of this void between you two if you don’t talk about it. Besides, as you said, he not only took responsibility - he could’ve kept it from you, but chose not to. That must count for something, right?”

“Yeah, it does.”

“Well, first, go shower, or bathe, cause if you stay here, you’re going to scare the animals away. Secondly, get some rest and think about it tomorrow.”

Bucky can’t answer as he's laughing at her remark, but nods. Smiling, she leans over and gives him a quick peck on the cheek before walking away. Bucky watches her go, then stands up and makes his way to his room. Yeah, a bath and then some rest, everything else can wait till tomorrow.

* * *

* * *

Shuri: He and Steve are emailing

Wanda: What? That’s great, right?

Sam: Yeah, they need to start somewhere. Maybe now they can start talking, for real, about real things

Shuri: Agreed. Oh, and he is excited for his date

Wanda: So are we. It will be good for him, right?

Sam: Yeah, it may just help him. As long as he does it for the right reasons

Shuri: He is, I told him that tonight, and he says he knows. He is going into this with open eyes


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve doesn’t say anything, just staring at the screen. He's not sure he wants to see.  
> “… Oh… Wow, Bucky…” Wanda exclaims, shaking Steve out of his thoughts.  
> “Hot damn!” Sam adds as they watched the video. It starts at Bucky's feet and slowly moves up, leaving the biggest surprise for last.

10 Oct 2024

Breathtaking, that's the only word Bucky can use to describe the view. Standing on top of the mountain, he feels like he has the whole world at his feet. He takes a deep and long breath, looking in every direction. It's magnificent. He feels amazing.

Pulling out his phone, he opens the camera app and turns it on to a panoramic setting. "Okay, let's try this..." He lifts the phone and starts to press the button repeatedly, turning around slowly to get the whole scene. "Nice," he congratulates himself as he looks at the picture. It's stunning. Smiling, he holds the camera out in front of himself and takes a photo. He tries a few times, moving his arm to get the perfect shot of the view.

"Shuri, I blame you. Making me take selfies...”

* * *

* * *

* * *

_A selfie... On top of a mountain... awesome view though... #selfie #mountain #iclimbedamountaintoday_

After posting the pictures he sits down on a big rock, uncaps his water bottle and takes a huge sip.

His date is tonight. He changed the time, decided that instead of a casual morning coffee, he wants to have dinner. He wants to have a glass of wine and wear a nice shirt. He wants to do something with his hair. He wants it to be a date, a real date. 

The past few days has been good. He's doing well. The kids love him, and he loves the kids. The only thing is that, besides the quick email, he hasn't heard anything from Steve in a while. He knows he should make an attempt to call him. T'Challa is getting married and Steve, along with the other Avengers, is invited to the engagement celebrations in a month's time. He will have to speak to Steve then, so he might just have to be the one who contacts him before that. He can't make the big day extra stressful by not acknowledging Steve. T'Challa doesn't deserve that. 

Taking out his phone again, he scrolls to his contacts. No time like the present. 

He wonders if Steve still has his number. 

Okay, deep breath.

He presses the call button.

It rings. 

Can't back out now.

It rings.

"Bucky?" 

Oh God... He should have done this sooner...

He should have waited a while longer. 

"Hello?" 

"Steve,” Bucky tries, his voice gruff and thick. Clearing his throat, he tries again. “Hi. Uhm... How are you?" 

"Hey, Buck, I'm doing well enough, thanks. How are you? How's the teaching going?" 

"Good, yeah. It's good. Never thought I'd enjoy it as much, but I really, really do. It's only temporary though. The teacher went on a 6-month maternity leave, and Shuri thought I'd make a good substitute."

"She is right. I take it every day is something new?" 

"Oh yes. There’s been a few challenges."

They're both quiet for a moment. 

What is he supposed to say? How does he even start? They both know this is a very important call, that it has to go right, there’s too much lost already. They're both struggling.

"So... How's the compound, the rebuilding still going on?" Bucky asks, trying to get over the awkward silence. 

"Good. Everything is in place and working. Even the administration is up to date."

"That's good."

Silence again. 

"How's Shuri doing? We got the invitation to T’Challa’s engagement party. They must be excited."

"Yeah, they are, Shuri is running around in her lab, trying to make up for the missing five years, convinced she's behind schedule with inventions. She keeps going on about some medical breakthrough, based on recent discoveries or something, and no one is allowed to know more than that."

"She is brilliant, and I know she will be amazing, whatever it is."

"Yeah, I have no doubt about it."

Silence. 

"Uhm, so are you all coming to the celebrations? It's running over a few days; the initial ceremony is the first day, then the officiating the second. The schools are closing for a whole week, everyone is taking part. Almost like a holiday," Bucky babbles. If they all are coming he needs to know, he needs to mentally prepare.

"Yeah, we will all be coming. Unfortunately, Scott and Hope already booked a family vacation, and Bruce has something on in Africa somewhere. He is trying to help the ‘Doctors without borders’ again. He goes for a few days every month."

"That's great."

"Yeah... Stephen Strange is opening a portal for us, that sling ring thing, or whatever it is called."

"I bet it saves on traveling costs..." Bucky jokes, trying to make light of the situation.

The last time he went through a portal he helped his younger self die and got blown up.

"Yeah... It does... And no jetlag..." Steve jokes along. 

They laugh softly, both lost in their own thoughts. 

"Listen, I have to go, still have a bit of descent ahead, down the mountain and I have pla- something on tonight," Bucky tries, not sure if he can mention the date. 

"Your date?" Bucky's surprised for a moment, then shakes his head slightly. One guess…

"How do you know?" He just needs some confirmation. Little sisters…

"Wanda, she's been way too excited for someone not going on one."

Bucky laughs for real. "Yeah, it was supposed to be coffee at that cafe I emailed you about, the one with the alcoholic beverages, but I changed it to a real date. Can do with a night out, a good dinner, dressing up for a change…"

"That's good Buck. That's... I am really... It’s good."

"Thanks."

Silence, again. Steve takes a breath and Bucky feels the anxiety. He really hopes it isn’t about that video he made, not yet. Please, not yet.

"I miss you, Buck." 

"Steve..."

"I just wanted you to know."

Yeah, he can understand that. He misses his best friend too. And he will be honest.

"I miss you too."

"Can I call you sometime?" 

"Yeah, do you still have Skype?" 

"Yeah... Of course."

"Okay... Good... We can... If you want..." 

"I do."

"Yeah... Okay..."

"Okay..."

"So..." 

"Yeah... Talk to you soon."

"Soon."

No one hangs up. 

"Bye, Buck," Steve whispers softly.

Bucky closes his eyes and grabs his hair with his free hand. "Bye, Steve." 

Bucky hangs up first.

He opens his eyes. The tears are close to the surface and threatening to fall, but he doesn't let them. He really hopes it's going to be okay. There’s still so much between them, so many things to do, to say, but it will take time. He made the first call, he broke the ice. Maybe, just maybe, they can be on reasonable speaking terms when the party comes. Maybe they can even sit at the same table and it won’t be awkward?

Standing up, he pockets the phone and starts to make his way back to the trail leading down. 

He reaches with his hand to steady himself against the rock, then snatches it away with a frown. The rock is hot. Really hot. He looks up and makes sure the sun is on the other side of the mountain. It's early afternoon, but the rock is scorching, like it's baked in the sun for hours. He's no geologist or weather man, but his instinct is telling him something is wrong. 

Making a note of it to ask Shuri about it back at the palace, he quickly makes his way down to the trail, careful to use his metal arm against the rocks, and his flesh on the trees.

Steve stares at his phone long after Bucky has hung up. He _called_ , after five months of not hearing his voice, Bucky finally _called_. Steve was so happy when he saw the name on the screen, and he was so happy to hear his voice. But now... 

He can't remember a single time in his life where there's been this... this awkwardness, so much tension between them. It's horrible. 

Steve wishes he could have him on the phone just for another minute. Unlocking his phone, he goes to Bucky's Twitter account and sees the photos. One is a spectacular panoramic view of Wakanda. Bucky must have been standing on top of a mountain. It already has several hundred likes and comments. Steve's more interested in the second picture, the selfie. 

How he misses this face. For so so many years only able to rely on his memory, his art skills, and two photos. None came close to the real thing. None do justice to Bucky's face, or his personality. No pen, no brush or phone has ever successfully captured the blue of his eyes that can change so much, depending on an emotion. The way he would spend so much time on his looks before the war, and then didn't care after Hydra. Bucky grew out his hair. He heard that some men would grow their hair as a sign of freedom and liked the idea. His hair is tied back in the photo, hidden behind a cap. There are earphones around his neck. His neck is sweaty from the climb, stubble dark against his skin. His face still light, but finally not that sickly pale color it was for months. His sunglasses hang from the collar of his top. He's smiling widely at the camera, his teeth white against the red of his lips.

Bucky's always been a handsome man. He knew it back in the day, but forgot it in the new century. He's learning it again in Wakanda.

He looks good. 

And he is going on a date. 

Steve knows he has absolutely no right to be upset about it. He has no claim to make, but seeing Bucky like _this_ , seeing him trying to rebuild this part of his life is painful. It's torturous.

And it is exactly what he deserves.

He did this to Bucky. That's the whole crux of this story, isn't it? That's why Bucky is in Wakanda, that's why he went back in time and watched a younger version of himself die. Steve still sees it in his mind's eye, every damn night. When he closes his eyes, he sees Bucky, with his long hair and broken heart, looking down at a crying boy who just survived a fall down a ravine, who just had his arm sawed off. Telling him he did good, he did enough, that Steve gets it all... That the world will see what they saw in a scrawny kid. That regardless of the universe or timeline, they will love him always.

Every night Steve tries to shake the image and then he will see Bucky again, the way he was in the video he left him. Telling Steve how he never was there for him or his family, that he never wanted to get married, that he was planning on devoting his life to Steve's. To protecting them. 

Steve blinks, trying to keep from crying, but a tear still runs down his cheek. Bucky was wrong about one thing - Steve wasn't the only one who deserves a good life, deserves a break. Bucky should get one too. And somehow, life is finally giving him one. The only difference is, while Bucky wasn't part of Steve's, Steve is part of Bucky's, and has a front-row seat too see what he lost. He really should back off and be happy for Bucky. But, the pain, the hurt… He nearly died that day in Bucky’s room. He thought it was a heart attack, but no. ‘Broken-heart syndrome', that’s what it's called. A ventricle in the heart basically giving up. The proverbial rooms of the heart, and one of his decided to break down. The strings severed. Poetic justice. 

He watched Peggy die, twice; he lived through years of oppression; he went back in time; he cried when Peggy put a name plaque for Bucky in the Shield board of valour; he cried silently on Bucky’s birthdays, and the day he fell. He watched the Barnes family fall apart because their brother, their only son was dead. Living on only in comic books and newsreels. He thought he was okay with it. In the end, his heart decided 'no more' when he watched a broken Bucky killing himself in one world, when he watched him saying _those_ things to Steve.

Steve, who walked away.

After all this time, Bucky still doesn’t regret what he did. He never will. He found his peace, his turnaround point, in his younger version’s death. One Bucky had to die before another could live again. 

He takes a deep breath, and it comes in bursts as his chest shakes. More tears run down his face as he stares at the photo of Bucky on top of the world. 

Bucky gets out of the bathroom wearing only a pair of shorts. "Thank you for doing this, Princess."

Shuri looks up from her tablet. She's sitting on the bed, a heap of clothes next to her. She's leaving nothing to chance. The tablet is still open to video tutorials. She's playing with a hair cutting kit in her hands. He can make out clippers, two pairs of scissors, and a comb. She's ready, and from the look in her eyes, up for a challenge.

"You're welcome. I was planning on dressing you anyway, have to make sure you look stunning. The hair is a surprise, and I must admit, clean-shaven is a really good look on you."

Blushing, Bucky walks to the chair in the middle of the room, with a plastic cover underneath. He shaved off his beard, and then stared at himself in the mirror for five minutes, deciding that _yes,_ the hair can go too.

"So, how short?" 

"Around the length it was when Steve brought my beat-up body from Siberia. Maybe a little bit shorter."

Shuri rolls her eyes. "Medium to long, or 'a rocker who still wants to impress moms' would work better if you're looking for descriptions." Bucky just gives her a smile and a shrug before he sits down. Shuri picks up another plastic tarp and puts it around his shoulders, covering his body from the neck down. "Okay, remember I'm not a hair stylist, so if it looks horrible don't blame me."

"I won't, and it won't. I trust you – even if the only training you have is a YouTube tutorial.”

"Oh, it was six videos. In YouTube land, it means I practically have a PhD. So, what made you change your mind about cutting it?”

"I read one of those lifestyle magazines, and an article caught my eye. It said that a haircut can be as good as a holiday or something. It all comes down to a change, so I thought, why not?" 

"It's true though, a haircut can be a powerful thing. So we are going to cut your hair and then you're taking a shower and then we are making you look sexy as hell so you can have a very good time." Shuri leans closer to him. 

"Are you planning on staying the night? Or inviting him here?" 

Bucky looks at her quickly before glancing away, shaking his head slightly. "No. I don't think I'm ready for that." 

Shuri places her hand on his shoulder. "Okay. I don't want you to feel pressured into anything."

"I know. I won't. Thank you though."

"Anytime. Now, let's get you ready!" 

Bucky takes a deep breath as she stands behind him with the scissors. He's ready for a new look.

An hour later Bucky is standing in the middle of the room. The plastic tarps are gone, he's wearing a nice pair of dark blue jeans, black loafers and a deep purple button down with a black jacket. His hair is much shorter than before, the tips only just touching his ears, his neck exposed. It's very similar to his look in the 30's. 

Shuri is holding out her phone. "Okay, slowly turn around so we can have a full 360 degree view. Nice..." Bucky sighs and turns around as instructed. "You look so handsome. Fantastic. Those jeans really bring out your thighs... So, so nice..."

"Shuri!" Bucky cries out, his face red. 

"Just stating facts. Now, say ‘hi’ to Wanda, I'm going to send her the video."

"Hi, Wanda," Bucky obliges with a smile.

"Awesome." Stopping the video, she takes a few pictures as well.

“Don’t tell T’Challa, but I think you’re the handsome brother in this family,” she deadpans, causing Bucky to burst out laughing.

“It'll be our secret.”

Wanda is on her computer when her phone buzzes. She's in the living room with the others, some movie playing in the background. They just finished a few pizzas. Looking at her phone, she frowns, then starts squealing. 

“What the hell?” Sam cries, jumping up. 

Looking up, she sees she has everyone's attention. “Shuri.” Lifting her phone, she reads aloud. “Check your email, make sure you watch it on a big screen, look how handsome our brother looks for his date…”

“Ohh, show us!” Pietro exclaims, and Wanda quickly logs into her email and connects to the big TV on the wall. They watch her open the email and click on the video.

Steve doesn’t say anything, just staring at the screen. He's not sure he wants to see.

“… Oh… Wow, Bucky…” Wanda exclaims, shaking Steve out of his thoughts.

“Hot damn!” Sam adds as they watch the video. It starts at Bucky's feet and slowly moves up, leaving the biggest surprise for last. His face is clean-shaven, his jaw standing out perfectly with his short hair. The tips touch his ears, but it's styled to the back. His face is open, and his smile shy, but happy. Wanda lifts her face as Bucky waves, smiling at the camera. They can see the hesitance in his posture, but also the growing confidence, the excitement. 

Steve gets up and walks out. Wanda and Sam share a look, both watching his retreating back.

Shuri did a good thing keeping him occupied so he didn’t stress too much, but now that he is waiting for Elethu, he can feel the nerves making a comeback. He knows he looks good, he _feels_ good, but still, this is his first official date in more than 80 years. It's probably normal to be nervous.

The knock comes exactly at seven.

Taking a breath, Bucky opens the door.

“Hey,” he greets Elethu, looking him up and down. He's a bit shorter than Bucky, his hair short but very neat, with two patterns on the sides. His dark brown eyes are shining, and Bucky knows Elethu is impressed with Bucky’s attire. He keeps staring, the smile wide.

“Wow, you look amazing.” 

Bucky keeps looking in his eyes as the blush spreads on his cheeks. “Thank you. So do you.” 

And he does. Like Bucky, he opted for dark blue jeans, a pair of loafers, a dark green shirt and his leather jacket.

“Thank you. Wanted to impress you, if I’m honest,” Elethu admitted.

Bucky smiles shyly before answering, “So did I.”

Both smile at that, then Elethu holds out his hand. “Shall we?”

Closing the door behind him, Bucky takes it. “Yes, please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some date night eye candy: Boris Kodjoe in _The Last Man on Earth_ and Sebastian Stan at _Doctor Strange_ premiere :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His trousers are wet, and to his amazement no one is staring at his arm like he thought they would. The scars are faded and light pink, and the kids hang onto both his arms, treating him as something to hold on to so they wouldn’t fall in. The arm is a source of comfort for them, something positive, and that makes all the difference. For just a moment, he forgets everything and just plays in the water, swimming with kids and enjoying the afternoon, just like everyone else.

14 Oct 2024

Bucky looks at the several pair of dark eyes staring at him. It's a hot day, and the kids are not really in the mood for anything. They made excellent progress this week and maybe he should be the 'cool teacher' and give them a break. After all, it's after school, and crazy hot even for Wakanda.

"Okay, okay... You all win, we can go swimming."

Bucky can't keep his smile hidden as they cheer. It was a joy to discover that sometimes the kids staying after school could go to the lake and swim, just have fun while they waited for their parents. Bucky felt giddy on behalf of them. He is looking forward to it as well, in all honesty. He's hot too, constantly wiping the sweat off his face.

"Hey... Hey, listen up." The kids quiet down, all looking at him. "It's not going to be a wild outing, you're going to listen to me, you're going to pay attention and you're going to look out for each other, got it?”

"Yes, Mr. Barnes," the voices responded at once. Bucky smiles every time he hears it.

"Okay, troops, let's go!"

They all follow him out the building to the lake, the excitement high, Bucky smiling and laughing too. Once there, Bucky saw he wasn't the only one who gave in to the heat. Several kids are already there, some teachers and even parents sitting around and watching them. A few mothers even set up a table with fresh water and a place with towels.

Bucky decided to forego the swimming and supervise from the side. If it was just him and the kids he would go in, but he still doesn't feel so comfortable with a big crowd and his metal arm.

As the kids swim, his mind drifts to the date he had with Elethu. He enjoyed it tremendously, they had a very good time. They never ran out of topics of conversation and both were nervous, but also relaxed enough to make the evening a great success. They had a very good dinner, even stayed for desert before walking back to the palace. Elethu said goodbye at the entrance with a kiss that Bucky deepened by pulling him closer.

Sighing, Bucky leans back against the chair, his eyes roaming over the kids swimming and playing in the pool, doing a quick head count to make sure they're all still there. They are.

The past few months have been difficult, but also liberating in a way. He can finally find peace, there’s no rush, no ‘maybe he's on borrowed time’ or ‘he needs to rush his healing for Steve’s sake, for Sam, for everyone who is on the run because of him’. This time, it’s just him. _His_ time, _his_ schedule. There is no one to impress, no one to rush for. No war coming, no ‘we are being hunted’ and ‘clear my name’. In all honesty, that’s probably why he is able to finally heal for real, there’s no subconscious pressure. It's not like being on that two year run, before Steve found him in Bucharest. He was able to discover himself, yes, but now he is not alone, he has a safety net that will catch him if he falls.

He knows that just like that day in his shabby apartment, where Steve and the UN pulled the rug from underneath him, he should be prepared. Be the one who contacts Steve, who starts to talk to him - about more than the everyday stuff. About stuff that is real, stuff that neither of them may want to talk about, but really need to.

Bucky really should have paid more attention to his kids. By the time he sees them around him, he knows he's in for it.

“Come swim with us!” they cheer and even grab his arms, dragging him to the water.

He's enjoying the laughter and the water splashing, so he doesn’t put up too much of a fight. He knows he can take them, they're kids, but the water does look inviting. Smiling, he has just enough time to kick off his shoes and put his phone in one of them. They barely give him enough time to remove his shirt and before he can even take a breath he's in the water, the water splashing around him. His trousers are wet, and to his amazement no one is staring at his arm like he thought they would. The scars are faded and light pink, and the kids hang onto both his arms, treating him as something to hold on to so they wouldn’t fall in. The arm is a source of comfort for them, something positive, and that makes all the difference. For just a moment, he forgets everything and just plays in the water, swimming with kids and enjoying the afternoon, just like everyone else.

The sun is low on the horizon, the shadows long, when he finishes preparing for class tomorrow and sits down to enjoy the last bit of daylight. He's calm and relaxed, the afternoon swim was definitely good for him. Once home, he showers and had a light dinner.

Bucky swipes his hair out of his face - he forgot all about the little bangs that always kept falling into his eyes. He should either trim it a bit shorter or have some mini bun on top of his head. For now, he decides to just deal with it, and looks down at his laptop. His email app is open on the last one from Steve, the one where he thanked him for not being a jerk towards his son on Twitter. _As if._

God, he sounds like Shuri now.

He really should reply.

* * *

* * *

_To:_ [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

_CC:_

_Subject: RE: Thank you_

_You don’t need to thank me. Your kids didn’t do anything to me, I don’t know them, I’m most certainly not going to be a jerk on social media, or in real life, Steve... Don’t worry about it._

_With that out of the way, it was really nice to talk to you the other day. I know things are awkward at the moment, and there is this… chasm. I do also believe that for us to get over it, we need to have some serious discussion. We cannot rebuild something when the debris of the previous building is still in the way. Does that makes sense?_

_It will not be easy, it won’t be comfortable, but I think we are long overdue a conversation. We didn’t really talk in the war, there was always something that took away your attention... or mine. Other responsibilities, other things that were much more important than our – my – feelings. Then I fell, and then came DC, then Bucharest, then everything else. I don’t think we ever sat down and had a real conversations about everything._

_So…_

_If you want to…_

_If you're willing._

_We can start now._

_Maybe not over the phone, I find it’s easier to say what I need to in writing, than to talk. Especially about what’s been on my mind for so long._

_So, I'm sending you another email. If you want, you can read it, otherwise you can delete it and… I don’t know, we become acquaintances that only see each other at functions or at work. I’m sorry, I can’t do the in-between. We've done it for a while, but I’m not doing it again. It’s all or nothing, but it is still your choice. And I will respect that._

_Anyway._

_About JJ. It’s fine. I get that you stay a… a dad regardless of your children’s age. So yeah… I will not be mean to them._

* * *

Bucky reads through it again before he sends it. Now he's actually a little pissed off. Did Steve really think he was going to be mean to his kids? Fuck, he can and will be mean to Steve, Steve is the one who betrayed him, who treated him-

No. Moving forward.

Still, he will start talking about what’s on his mind.

Opening another email to Steve, he looks at the subject line.

* * *

* * *

_To:_ [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

_CC:_

_Subject: 1 st issue – Azzano_

Yeah, this might be it, start at the very beginning.

_You know, as I’ve said in that video, I never expected to survive the war. A small part of me hoped, but the realist in me knew it was a one-way ticket. I memorized my family’s faces, I took Becca’s smile with me, I took the twins slightly sweaty grip as they held my hands. I memorized that pressure. I memorized my Mom’s voice, her eyes proud but her heart breaking as she looked at me that last time. Her eyes were so, so blue. A dark ocean-blue that I recalled every day in the trenches. I recalled her voice, as I sat hunched over with cannons going off around me._

_Most of all, I memorized you. That cowlick that was even more stubborn than you. I memorized how you fit so perfectly when I slung my arm around you. Thinking back, I should've probably memorized my family more, as I never got to see them again and I did get to see you, even if you were all different. That stubborn cowlick stayed exactly the same._

_I made my peace with death as I lay on that table and Zola’s little voice was echoing in my ears, in my mind. “Ooh, splendid...” and “he is formidable,” like a mantra. I feared him so much more than Schmidt - to this day, I will take Schmidt over Zola. I remember needle after needle, burning in my veins. The screams. No one ever made it off that table, no one. It was a weapon the soldiers used on us. “Work or it’s the table with you!’” So we worked. Day in and day out. Till the table came for me. I fought, Steve, so hard. I know we never talked about it, I refused to talk, but I will tell you now. I should’ve told you then._

_I wished for death, every day. Prayed for it._

_Then I saw you. I thought you were a hallucination... But you weren’t. I wouldn’t hallucinate you into that muscle giant, I would dream the Stevie that fit under my arm. Then, suddenly, I fit under yours and you dragged me out of there. I realise now that when I asked you what happened to you, it had two meanings._

_The main one was that I wanted to know how come you were so different, but another part of me wanted to know, if what happened to you was the same as what happened to me. When I asked you if it was permanent, it was to know if you were always going to be like this... But the voice in my head wanted to know if what Zola did to me was permanent. Turns out it is._

_That jump. It was amazing to see, but horrifying to know I would've probably been able to do it too. I didn’t want to. I wanted to go home. Then we walked back to the base, and I knew we were the same, not on the exact same level, but... I kept up with you. I barely got off that table a few hours before and I was able to be a sergeant, do that hell of a long trek back to base. Everyone got tired, everyone got sick and exhausted, I did too, but I kept up. I knew that whatever happened, I needed to keep my mouth shut._

_You explained it to us around the campfire, that there was supposed to an army, but you were it now. That they would have loved more. I promised myself I would keep my mouth shut. If they knew… I couldn’t go through those endless tests again, needle upon needle._

_I remember how angry I was, that you would willingly sign up for it. Why? Why would you submit yourself to so much torture, days and days of needles and pain? For what? A war? A fight? Weren’t back alleys enough? To impress people, to prove you were worthy? Then you explained how the whole thing was ten minutes, tops. God, if only it'd been ten minutes for me._

_Days for me, minutes for you... Even if it was seconds, I still wouldn’t do it. I never could understand why you did. I blamed them, you know. Phillips, Erskine, Carter, Howard, the whole damn world. How did it get to such a point that we have to do human experimentation! That killing each other isn't enough anymore, no, let’s make soldiers our lab rats, too. I kept thinking the whole time on our way back to the base, where’s the fucking line? Where do we draw the line between the good guys and the bad? Both do human experimentation, both want to kill the other guy, both want to win. We tell ourselves it’s for freedom, but we never see the price. Freedom is never free._

_I’m sorry I kept it from you. The serum, the enhancements I could feel in my bones._

_I think if I told you and made you promise not to tell anyone, maybe things could’ve been different._

_Maybe we… maybe… so many maybes._

_I was scared, Steve, I was terrified. Of everything and anything. I didn’t want to tell you, because you always saw me as this strong man, and for once I wanted to be that. Even if you have always been the strong one between us. I wanted you to look up to me, just once more, because I have always always looked up to you._

_I will end this email here, with this:_

_I should’ve told you, but I didn’t, because I knew you would have told Agent Carter. I couldn’t let you do that. I think that was the first time something came between us. I should’ve handled it better, but I didn’t and I’m sorry for that. I figured you were already enchanted enough with her, and she with you, that you didn’t need an experimented soldier to clinch the deal between you._

* * *

Bucky looks up and wipes his eyes, feeling much better, but also a bit raw. He clicks the send button, closes the laptop and stands up, walks towards the garden and the fountain. He sits on the edge, swirling his hand in the water. This is a good thing. He is doing well. Now it all depends whether Steve replies or not. To rebuild this... He is willing to try, but he will get it out of his system, one way or another. And he will certainly move on. Without guilt, and without regrets.

Standing up, he makes his way back to his room. A nice shower and maybe a movie will clear his head. Just as he steps into his room, his phone rings.

Sam.

“Frisbee man!” he greets with a smile.

“We are going to have words about that,” Sam replies, and Bucky can hear the grin.

“Aren’t we having words now?”

“Ha, ha, hilarious. So how are you doing?”

“I’m good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I’m doing much better, even though you call every week, like clockwork.”

“And this may be the first time I believe it.”

“Oh, only took you months.” Bucky sighs and makes his way to his small kitchenette, putting on the kettle. “Sam, I know we have our bickering, but I’m really glad to have you in my life. I owe you a lot.”

“Yeah? Thank you. You owe me wings, too, off the top of my head… and a steering wheel…”

“Ah, but you got the shield now.”

“Doesn’t make me fly.”

“It will if I tie you to it and swing you through the air.”

“Funny guy, aren’t you?”

“Hilarious.”

“Well, I feel the same. I’m glad to have you on my side too.”

“Thank you. So how is the training going? How is everyone? How’s little Sammy doing?”

“Keeping my sister up all night. My mom spoils him rotten, and we keep asking why weren't we spoiled like that?”

“Yeah, I bet. The Queen here keeps asking T’Challa if they are going to start a family immediately, he blushes so hard... Shuri thinks it’s hilarious and teases him every chance she gets.”

“Siblings, ey?”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“No, we wouldn’t.”

Bucky smiles, then sits down on the couch again. “So I think I should tell you, I emailed Steve tonight, two emails... I replied to the one he sent and then wrote another one, one where I opened up about an issue that stems from the war... I told him it’s time we tackle the real problems between us, if he is willing.”

“That’s… that’s really good. I’m glad. I know he is willing, and he told me he wants to fix his friendship with you on your terms. He will give it everything he's got, even if it is hard.”

Sighing, Bucky looks down, processing what Sam said. “Do you think we can? Be friends again?”

“I think you both came too far not to try. You both have so many issues that it will not happen overnight, but you two? You're worth fighting for. It’s not going to be easy, Barnes, but I don’t think it's a hopeless case either.”

“I miss him.”

“I know. He misses you too. I see the look in his eyes when we talk about you, or when Wanda tells us something you’ve sent her. When she and Shuri gossip about you, their brave big brother. It's sad to watch, but he knows it's his own fault, he made this bed. It’s up to him to get out of it again.”

“Am I too hard on him?”

“No. You do this on your terms, Barnes, your rules. I know you are smart enough to be fair when you need to be, and kind enough to know how far you can push. In the end, he will fight for your friendship, and you will fight for it too. But it will be on your terms, and that's good, because it means less pressure for you, a chance to heal from the inside out. You need this.”

Bucky is speechless as he processes what Sam said. He is right, Bucky is trying, to the best of his abilities. He can’t just pretend everything is fine and let it go. He needs to clean the wounds, all of them.

“Uh… thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Bucky.”

A few days later Bucky watches Shuri as she works. He always enjoys it, seeing the technology come so far. For once he can actually take part in it, learn it and not just be a victim to it.

“So you said the rock was hot?” Shuri asks, glancing at him.

“Yeah. Almost like a hot plate, and I did check, the sun was on the other side, it wasn't that. Besides, the stones would be hot all over, not just in certain spots, right?”

“Right... That mountain is actually a volcano, it's been dormant for thousands of years. It could be that there’s a new lava flow, or it's starting to get active again. I need to send a team out there, into the caves, to check. Right now, I’m changing the priority of the area to high, with new perameters - so if anything changes, I will be alerted.”

“That’s so cool.”

“You think everything I do is cool!” Laughing, Bucky can only shrug. “So, when are you seeing Elethu again?”

“You really like him, don’t you, Shuri?” Bucky asks and she sits down, her attention on him.

“I like how he makes you smile.” Blushing, Bucky looks away. Shuri grabs his hand. “You, more than anyone else I know, deserve some happiness. Me and my brother, and Wanda and everyone over there in the Compound, we can give you stability and a family, a support that would always come when you call... But you deserve someone to hold you at two in the morning when you have a nightmare, to tease you about the amount of sugar in your coffee, to help you set the table when you make bacon and eggs in the morning. I know it won’t happen overnight, and I know it may not be Elethu... But I do know that you deserve someone who looks at you like the sun after a seven day rain, like the sky when the first summer rain falls after a drought.”

Bucky grips her hand before pulling her into a tight hug, burying his head in her shoulder. “Thank you.”

They're both wiping their eyes when they let go. “Don’t mention it, okay? I don’t want to be accused of favouritism.”

“Our secret. And to answer your question, we are going to going to the village on Saturday, he is helping with something, and I offered to go along, to have a picnic near the lake when he is done.”

“Oh, you are such a sap. Go before you rub off on me, I have a lab to run.”

“Yes Ma'am.” Bucky gives her a half salute, goes to leave, then stops at the door. “You will let me know if this mountain thing is serious? I would like to help.”

“You’re on my speed dial.”

Bucky waits the whole day, building up the courage to read Steve’s email.

Steve replied to both.

Both.

Steve wants to fix this.

* * *

* * *

_To:_ [WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa](mailto:WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa)

_CC:_

_Subject: RE: RE: Thank you_

_I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…_

_Anyway… I really enjoyed talking to you too, I missed your voice, I really, really missed you. Even when I went back. You were on my mind every single day and you… we can talk about it later, your terms, right? You get to start._

_I want us to talk again, I don’t want our friendship that withstood so many decades to be destroyed with one decision on my behalf._

_I will take uncomfortable with you rather than comfortable without you any day. I want you back in my life, Buck, I need you to know I am sorry for what I have done, and I know a 'sorry' isn’t going to help, but I need to try. I need to try and fix this. So yeah, I will read through every email, every shout you throw at me, and I will answer, honestly and without any hidden agenda._

_I would still like to talk to you over the phone, even if it's just about everyday things. We can leave the deep things in the emails. I just want to talk to you again._

_Steve_

* * *

Taking a breath, Bucky sits back on the chair and opens the next email. This is the one he dreads the most, but he knows it needs to be done. He can’t back away now.

* * *

* * *

_To:_ [WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa](mailto:WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa)

_CC:_

_Subject: RE: 1 st issue – Azzano_

_I know I’ve told you the broad details about the serum, and basic training... I didn’t tell you much about my feelings about it. What I experienced, yes, how it felt, not so much._

_You were right, about everything. The whole time. I wanted to prove something. I've always been the scrawny one, the one who wouldn’t make it to next year. So I had to fight to make people see it. I fought against everything, I needed to fight to show I would make it. So many nights I lay awake, thinking about you - how you didn’t need to fight, but did. You fought for your family, and for me. Kept my ass out of the gutter too many times to count. You said you always looked up to me, but Buck, I looked up to you just as much. I saw you, and thought if I could be anyone, I'd like it to be you._

_I never knew kindness was a strength until you showed me. I never thought that sometimes walking away was an option until I saw you walk away from fights and name calling, with your head held high, only getting involved when I did. You made me long for peace when all I’ve known was battles._

_That day you told me you enlisted was the first time I really got jealous of you. You said on multiple occasions that you didn’t want to fight, that it is their war and we shouldn’t get involved, and yet here you enlisted because I wanted to. I was so stupid, so dense, that I only realized later... You never did, did you? You hid the draft letter from me. I found out from Becca when you went to basic. She made me promise not to tell you, she said you could never know. That I would think less of you._

_I never did Buck. Not once._

_That last night… God, I was such a horrible friend to you. Trying to enlist again, after you wanted to spend that last night with me. I knew the girls were a front, a way we could go out one last time, and I threw it back in your face._

_I told you I met Erskine that night, that he signed me off. He saw something in me, something that only two people ever did before - you and my mom. I went to basic training, and I hated it. It was so hard, but once again I was too stubborn, full of this desire to prove something. I met Pe… well, you know who I met there. I was…_

_After the procedure, after Erskine was killed and I chased the man through the Brooklyn streets... I felt powerful for the first time in my life. I could run for miles and not break a sweat. I didn’t wheeze. It felt so good. I was addicted to that feeling instantly. I thought ‘here I come’, going to fight, going to make a difference... Then Phillips told me to my face I wasn’t enough. He wanted an army, and he got me. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worthy. Then a power-hungry man saw me, a way to use me, to make money. He put me in those tights and ridiculous flag costume, made me a dancing monkey. Before, I was caged in by my health, now I was caged in by my strength, by my looks. I did it because it brought money in, it took me places and I hoped it would take me to you._

_It did._

_I performed and got rotten vegetables thrown at me. I didn’t understand. We went days without food, and here I was attacked with it. Peg told me what happened... The survivors of the 107 th. The rest were captured. _

_You were in the 107 th and you weren’t in the crowd throwing food at me. _

_I barged in that tent, demanded to know when the rescue is, is your name under 'casualties'. It was. Phillips remembered writing your name after I spelled it. He said the only rescue would be to win the war. Peg and Howard helped me to sneak out._

_I had one thought and that was to get to you._

_Seeing you on that table, thin and broken, reciting your name and number like some prayer to keep yourself alive... it hurt. Then you said my name and you smiled as if you didn’t believe it. I was too hyped up on the serum and the adrenalin to think further about your questions, to ask about the marks on your face or your arms. I saw the bruises but it didn’t sink in. It only sunk in when I saw your file, the one from Hydra. I recognised those bruises on your face and ears, so similar to the ones from the machine. I hated myself so much. I blamed myself._

_I could see the difference, so did the Howlies. You would drink at the bar but still walk out in a straight line. Your shooting skills were off the charts, the best in the regiment, in the war. I had a niggling feeling, but I pushed it aside. I didn’t want to see._

_That’s on me._

_I was proud to be the one who made a difference in the war, taking down Hydra base after Hydra base, every one like a personal strike against Phillips who didn’t think I was enough. Against every person who told me or my mom I wouldn't make it till Christmas. I was too blind-sided by my pride, proving my worth, that I forgot I never needed to do that with you._

_I wish you told me... but I understand why you didn’t. You were right, I would’ve told Peggy and Phillips, I would’ve tried to get you in the limelight with me. I was so used to having you by my side in everything that I would’ve wanted everyone to know - once again, it was you and me against the world. I was a proud arsehole, prime example of an idiot._

_I’m sorry I never took a moment to step back, to look at things from a different perspective. If I did, maybe… yeah, so many maybes. Once again, you are right._

_I’m so sorry we didn’t talk as we should’ve done. I’m sorry it took us this long, but know this: I am thankful we can talk about this now. I don’t care how many emails it takes, how many tears and how many arguments, how much it hurts - I will read each and every one, for you._

_Steve_

* * *

Bucky reads it twice more, crying more every time. If they were back in Brooklyn they would’ve talked it out, the first night, first round at the kitchen table, eating the little bit of food they had.

They weren't back in Brooklyn.

He has issues, but so does Steve. He never knew he felt humiliated like that, Steve never told him. A small part of him is thankful that _she_ was there, that she built him up where he couldn’t. Steve was a proud man, a fighter. That must have done real damage to him.

Deep in thought, he hits 'reply'.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The photo is on the bedside table. The same one he was holding when his heart decided to take a break. Two young boys who could never imagine the road their lives would take. How vastly different, yet something, someone, keeping them together... Until Steve decided to leave.
> 
> Steve sits down on the edge of the bed. The indentation is there from the previous day and the day before that. Nearly every day he comes by, sits here for a while and just loses himself in memories. Memories of his childhood with Bucky, memories of them during the war... and Wakanda. No memories of his life with Peggy. Even if Bucky isn't here, he won't do that to him.

* * *

* * *

17 Oct 2024

Steve is laying in bed, his hands folded against his chest, his legs crossed at the ankles. His eyes are closed but he isn't sleeping. A documentary about the Second World War is playing on the TV, the sound low, but it doesn't matter. He's seen it before, several times. It's a documentary about the Howling Commandos.

He is quite frankly tired of seeing the same clip each and every time. He was busy plotting on a map, bent over on the hood of a jeep. The rest around him, Bucky opposite him, finding holes in the plan, making sure it was flawless. Steve only noticed the way Bucky stared at the compass once he was on the other side of the screen. When he was looking at the clip from the outside perspective. The first time was at the Avengers Tower, back in 2012, still trying to adjust to this insane new century. Tony made jokes, Natasha laughed at the weapons... He saw, but he didn’t _see_. He was too busy processing, everything still too raw.

The second time was with Peggy, just after it was released. When he went back. That's when he saw _it_. The frown on Bucky's face, his downcast eyes. The downturned lip. "He didn't like the plan, did he?" Peggy whispered and clutched his hand, a smile on her ever-red lips. Steve shrugged. That's when it hit him, that feeling like he was missing something huge.

He replayed the scene in his head.

But Bucky... did. He did like the plan. He was worried about Steve being on the motorcycle going in head-first, but he didn't object - so why did he glare at the map underneath the compass?

Steve opens his eyes and glances at the TV.

Just in time.

That scene, again…

Steve looks down, pencil in hand, and Bucky stares at the compass before running his hand through his hair. His one tell.

He looks to the other men. Dum Dum is also looking down, but his face is tilted towards Bucky.

Steve frowns. Why is he looking at Bucky? Did he know? Picking up the remote, he rewinds and presses play, his full attention on the screen this time. There he is, face down, there's Bucky... And Dum Dum.... He is clearly looking at Bucky.

Dum Dum was like a father figure to a lot of the men, and he and Bucky had a special relationship. They were, somehow, always on the same page. Did he know about Bucky's feelings?

Should he ask Bucky?

Will Bucky tell him?

Steve leans back against the headboard and closes his eyes.

A memory starts playing in his head.

_The war was over, everyone celebrating. The Howling Commandos were together once more, the last time before they went in different directions all across the world. Bucky was dead. Howard had big plans for the future, with the Tesseract. Steve didn't want to be part of it. He'd seen it, he'd lived it. He wanted to move on._

_Steve was standing on the balcony - the bar was on the third floor of the hotel they met up in. He was back in his 'old man clothes', as Natasha dubbed it. He had a glass in his hand, the ice in the whiskey slowly drifting around. His thoughts were all over the place - everyone thought it was about the war, about his crash, about the fact that one Howlie wasn't there._

_It was all true, that_ was _on his mind, but so was the war with Thanos, Sam and Bucky watching him on that platform, then counting down to one._

_Five seconds. It already felt like forever, on this side. He didn't know how old he was, but that felt like forever too._

_"It's a good night, isn't it, Cap?" Steve turned around to see Dum Dum next to him, his cheeks red, eyes glassy. It wasn't from the alcohol._

_"Yeah, a night to remember," Steve replies._

_So much to remember._

_"Or to forget, that would be nice," Dum Dum added._

_No, not to forget. Forgetting is a terrible wish. Bucky did, he was made to forget everything. He struggled daily to get the memories back._

_"To each their own," he opted for instead._

_"I hear you." Dum Dum looked down and wiped his eyes as Steve glanced back into the room. Peggy was laughing at something Howard said, her face thrown back, her dress tight and loose in all the right places. They had their dance, they'd had several so far. Everyone was expecting him to pop the big question. The hints were there, Peggy's subtle looks were there. Everyone and everything was there, except... except Bucky._

_"We all miss him." Dum Dum's voice was was so soft, so somber._

_Steve wanted to scream or jump off this balcony and run like never before_.

 _"Yeah, I... I can't believe..." What?_ He is gone? He is alive? He is counting down to one? _No one knew except Steve. No one felt guilty except Steve._

_Dum Dum was looking at Steve with such understanding, such softness. It crawled under Steve’s skin._

_He didn’t deserve the compassion._

_"He loved you, you know, always name-calling you, 'punk' and 'idiot', but he looked up to you. He couldn’t take a full breath until he know you were okay. Ten times worse if you got a scratch…” His voice trailed off, the memories too much. Steve can relate._

_"I looked up to him. He was my best friend, my anchor, actually." Steve swallows before he gives too much away._

_"Yeah, he always talked about you, before you showed up. Couldn't get him to shut up... Anyway. Tonight is for celebrating." Dum Dum raises his glass in a salute, the light catching on the ice cubes. "Here's to you, you little shit. I'm going to miss you."_

_Steve clutches his glass with whiskey tight, tight enough that the glass shatters in his hand, whiskey and shards and ice cubes and drops of blood falling down and splintering across the floor._

Steve opens his eyes and takes a few breaths.

It was so hard. So hard to adapt and pretend everything was fine. He did propose after Howard dared him, saying there is no time like the present... and Steve would know. He knows about time way too much to not appreciate it. He just didn’t know how it would mess him up right back.

He needs to distract himself before he gets more depressed than he already is. With a few deep breaths, he gets up, grabbing the bedside table. His heart is already giving him enough trouble these days. The recovery is slow.

Standing up, he opens the door and walks down the hallway towards Bucky's room. The door isn't locked. The room is clean, there are two boxes in the wardrobe, half unpacked. Under the bed is his backpack, the notebooks removed - he doesn't know what Bucky did with them, but they're not in the bag anymore. The photo is on the bedside table. The same one he was holding when his heart decided to take a break.

Two young boys who could never imagine the road their lives would take. How vastly different, yet something, someone, keeping them together... Until Steve decided to leave.

Steve sits down on the edge of the bed. The indentation is there from the previous day and the day before that. Nearly every day he comes by, sits here for a while and just loses himself in memories. Memories of his childhood with Bucky, memories of them during the war... and Wakanda. No memories of his life with Peggy. Even if Bucky isn't here, he won't do that to him.

_"Steve?"_

_"I thought you were dead..."_

_"Thought you were smaller..."_

_"Is it permanent?"_

Steve can't keep the smile from his face as he remembers holding Bucky, seeing him after so many months.

_After they left the burning building and met up with the other guys, Steve stood to the side as the men grabbed Bucky. Dum Dum was first, he didn't even try to hide the tears on his face as they embraced._

_"Oh my boy... You got off... You got off..." he cried as he held Bucky and Bucky held on too, burying his face in Dum Dum's neck. The others were just as glad and Steve stood amazed at the display as they held their Sergeant. He didn't know this group's history, he didn't know their lives or what they went through, but he knew one thing. He was very glad he disobeyed orders to get these people, to get Bucky, back._

_It took Bucky five minutes to get his composure, then he took a gun that Dum Dum held out for him, threw the leather strap over his shoulder and turned to Steve._

_"Hey, so this is Dum Dum, you've met..."_ _he introduced Steve to every man he knew by their name and a small trait. Dum_ _Dum, the group's father, Dernier... spoke French but understood more than he let on, Jones, the best storyteller... Steve shook each and every hand. They accepted him as Bucky's friend and one worthy following, not a dancing monkey there to entertain._

_It was the first time Steve felt accepted. That maybe he could be enough._

Steve looks down at the photo again, his finger on the corner.

"Dum Dum knew, didn't he? He knew. He knew all along and he never said a thing. Did you tell him? Or did he figure it out?"

"Steve?" Steve jumps at the voice at the door. Wanda stands there, her eyes on him, looking concerned.

"Wanda."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just remembering."

Nodding, Wanda walks over and sits down next to him. "You really miss him, don't you?"

Steve glances at her, before looking back at the photo. "Do you think I have the right to?"

"Yes. We all do." Wanda sounds convinced. She believes it.

"I hurt him," Steve replies. He doesn’t believe her, he wants to, but...

Wanda leans a bit closer to him, her eyes on the photo, her voice soft and understanding. "That's true, but then again, he was hurt to begin with. He never really got over what happened to him - he tried, he was making excellent progress when Thanos came, but he didn't have a strong enough foundation. He was strong, yet so fragile. I was, too, and I didn't lose nearly as much as he did."

"He gave you your brother back." Steve folds his hands and stares at the wall. He still can’t believe that even hurt, broken, feeling hopeless, Bucky thought of someone else. In his pain, he still tried to make someone else happy. It was incredibly brave, and it was Bucky through and through. That act ensured him the unfaltering loyalty of everyone in this building. Even Fury and Hill were impressed. They were shocked when they read the report, when they heard that the rest would join up the New Avengers to support Bucky, because of him. With one act, he made this group take the first step to becoming a team.

"Yes, he did, and it was a very beautiful thing. I know that helped me a lot in healing, took some of the loneliness away, made the darkness seem a bit lighter. Which is what we're doing for Bucky now. He is finally learning that healing comes not only from within, but also from admitting and allowing outside help. Sometimes healing means just walking around and taking selfies, or staying in bed reading. It doesn't always mean following the expectations of others."

"And is he? Healing?"

Wanda smiles. "Yes. He is finally on the right track. He is moving forward, this time for himself. Besides, you’ve seen his posts, the progress. He is finding joy again."

"And before?" Steve often wondered about _before_ , those years in Wakanda.

Wanda sighs softly. "I think he tried too hard. He remembered you before he remembered himself and I think it pushed him too hard, too fast. He wanted the old camaraderie back, he saw you struggling to fit in, he saw your pain and he reacted to it. He wanted to take that away. He's always been a caretaker, wasn't he? Always looking out for others?"

Steve nods. "Always. Me, his younger sisters, his ma. The troops, he was the best Sergeant I have ever seen."

"Shuri and I talked about it the other day. He is a protector, I think that's why it was so hard for Hydra to re-program him, why it kept failing. His first instinct is to protect. That's in his blood. A shield long before he was molded into a weapon."

"He... if there ever was a mother hen, it would be him," Steve replies, a fondness in his voice. A familiarity with this protectiveness of Bucky's. He was the reason Bucky became a mother hen in the first place.

Wanda is looking at Steve, seeing the heartbroken man. No matter how angry they were at him, he's come a long way too, and he fell hard after Bucky left. He saw the consequences of his actions, what his rejection made Bucky do. They all think about it sometimes. Somewhere out there there is a world with no Bucky. Where Bucky Barnes died on a table in a strange land, in a strange country, in enemy hands. Somewhere, there's a reality where the grave is not empty.

It's tragic to think of, and what's even worse is that this Bucky doesn't regret it.

Since Steve collapsed in this room, they all had a hard road to walk. To be open and honest with each other, to move forward.

Wanda and Steve's relationship took a lot of time getting back on track, finding some sort of common ground. She no longer blames Steve, because he blames himself and is suffering so much. Nothing they can say or do will ever compare to the way Steve hates himself. No amount of anger can match the guilt Steve bears. So they let it go. Focusing on moving forward, focusing on Bucky, his healing. And if he gets better, by some sort of mutual understanding, Steve would get better too.

Steve takes a breath and turns to Wanda. "Did you come to look for me?"

"I did. We're going to Skype Bucky today and was wondering if you want to be there? I think they may have started already. The boys were very eager to tell him about the latest pranks."

No. Yes. Desperately so.

"Yes. But I'm not sure he wants to see me."

"He did say the other day you can Skype, when he called you?" Steve nods and Wanda smiles at the hopeful look in his eyes. "Then its okay, he is aware you might be there, Sam told him. Come on."

Steve takes the offered hand and puts the photo back. It is a little askew, but that’s okay. He will be back tomorrow anyway.

Slowly, they make their way to the media room.

They can hear Bucky's laughter all the way into the hall, Scott and Pietro laughing too.

"Seriously? Scott, that is so awesome, Pietro, take notes, okay? I want to hear more. Keep Sam on his toes, yeah? So where did he find the shield?"

Steve frowns and Wanda leans closer. "Scott and Pietro pranked Sam, they made several fake copies of the shield with cheap aluminum and placed it all around the training room. Every time he picked one up, it was the wrong one."

Steve's smiles wide. "Sam will get them back... Oh, how did they get the shape right, bent it?"

Wanda's smile is answer enough. She can bend things, no problem.

Walking in, they can still hear the laughter. Steve looks at the screen and his smile freezes on his face. Bucky looks... So good, so healthy... His face is flushed from all the laughing, he looks as if he just came from the dance floor - his hair the same style, one streak falling to the side without pomade. His eyes used to be bright from dancing and drinking, but now it's just pure joy, happiness. He's wearing a dark purple shirt, a Henley, the buttons undone. It looks stunning on his body. His arms are muscled, the training must be going well. He's sitting on a high chair in the lab, playing with something, Steve doesn't know what.

Shuri is standing next to him, her face open and smiling as she listens. She's the first to see them. "Wanda, thank you, another woman! I could feel my brain melting..."

"Aaaw... It’s not so bad," the men exclaim with no real fervor.

Wanda lets go of Steve and waves a hand, encompassing the men. "Shuri, this is what I deal with on a daily basis."

"My sympathies..."

Bucky is looking at Steve as the others say their hellos with a lot of bickering and back and forth. Sam comes running in, joining them.

Bucky doesn't know what he expected, but he's surprised to see how bad Steve looks. He seems healthy at first glance, but there's something else... His eyes are shadowed, hiding a deep pain. He's moving slowly, like someone injured. He also looks tired, like he's not getting enough rest? And his eyes are red. Did he cry? Was it just old age? They've slowly been talking in the emails, and he makes a mental note to ask about it. He can’t do it in front of everyone.

Steve doesn’t look nearly as good as he did _that_ day.

The last time he saw Steve he was standing in front of a car, his family inside, going on a holiday. 'Do they all have your eyes?!' or something similar, that's what he asked before he walked away. He thinks he said something about the holiday or enjoying it, but it's all a blur. He just remembers several pairs of blue eyes that belonged to a skinny stubborn punk.

"So, Barnes, are you going to stop sending these two ideas to prank me?" Sam asks loudly, shaking Bucky out of his reverie.

He looks at Sam and puts on his most innocent face. "Me? What makes you think I would do such a thing?"

"Oh... I see that face, it doesn't fool me! No matter how good your puppy dog look is, I know you're guilty. Shame on you."

Bucky shrugs and smiles at Sam, leaning closer to the camera. "Come on, ask nicely and see if I will give you ideas for payback."

"Oh... Nonono... You’re ours, B-man!" Scott yells and steps in front of Sam.

"Enough, I would like to keep my lab smart, boys," Shuri interrupts, trying to hide her smile. Bucky lifts his hands in a surrender. The others follow, except for Steve and Wanda. They didn't do anything. "Good. Now about the arrangements. Steve, you said Strange is opening a portal? So you all won't be flying?"

Steve steps up and nods. "Yes, he volunteered to pick us up, as he is going through the portal himself. Less jetlag, apparently," Steve replies, occasionally glancing at Bucky.

"No jetlag. I will take that any day," Shuri agrees. "Okay, what about your luggage?"

"In our pockets," Pietro answers, smiling.

"Excuse me?" Shuri asks confused.

Bucky also doesn't understand, before... "The AntMan tech... Or whatever it is called."

Scott nods. "Yeah, but don't let Hank hear you, he will never let me hear the end of it... And I'm finally in his good books, he even said I have the potential to make a reasonably good son-in-law! That's huge, right? I can work with that..."

"So, are you proposing?" Bucky asks, leaning closer and smiling.

Scott shrugs. "I'm thinking about it, you know, seriously considering it. Cassie loves Hope, and Hope adores Cassie, I just... you know... don't want to add more pressure on Cassie at the moment, we're all just settling in and learning to cope..."

"Yeah, makes sense. Good luck with that, Scott, but I have full confidence in you," Bucky replies and his face is serious, completely genuine. Scott smiles at that. He didn't expect it, but is visibly glad to hear it.

It's quiet for a moment. Steve looks at Bucky, a knot in his stomach. Sam looks proud but hides it with a smile.

Shuri jokingly elbows Bucky, before looking at them. "So, the tech... It shrinks your baggage?"

"Yes. We all just put it on the table, shrink it to pocket size, come through the portal and size it up."

"I want to see it, you'll show me?"

Scott nods. "Yeah, Hope and I already showed these guys how to use it, they each have their own set."

"Give me a set... Please...” Shuri adds, then looks at Steve. "Steve, please bring me a set."

"Of course."

She glances at him for a moment. Bucky's got the feeling they are talking about something else, but lets it go. He himself hasn't talked to Steve yet, but seeing him is something. He misses Steve, but the face on the screen isn't the one he is used to.

Shuri seems happy with the situation and starts talking about other stuff, the presents being one of them, and everyone puts in their two cents... Then the conversation veers off to the ceremony and sleeping quarters.

"So, my room is next to Bucky's?" Sam asks.

"Wait, what? Come on!" Bucky protests, trying to look upset and failing.

"Yeah, Shuri, what did we do to you?" Sam adds.

Shuri shares a look with Wanda. "I should just let them bunk together."

Bucky and Sam look at each other. "You know, I changed my mind... The rooms are big, and you know, the garden is right here..." Bucky says, trying to hide his smile.

"Yeah, yeah, neighbors... It's fine!" Sam agrees instantly.

"Good, that's settled. Sam, next to you is Steve; Wanda, you and Pietro are on Bucky's other side. It's really beautiful. The view is great, it's private, yet close to the middle yard, it's inside the palace, but will give you privacy..."

"Oh, I remember, it's the same ones as last time, right?" Pietro chimes in.

"Yes. The very same."

"Awesome. I liked it! Hey, Bucky, remember when we were there and we made-" Pietro asks.

Bucky grins widely. "Yeah... it's still here, we can show Sam."

"Oh, before you two get started, I'm going back to work," Shuri butts in and waves at them. She points to her phone while looking at Wanda, who nods. "See you all later!" With that, both Shuri and Wanda leave.

Steve makes to leave too, but Bucky stops him. "Hey, Steve?"

"Buck?"

The others feel the atmosphere changing and get up. "I just remembered that I have a thing..." Scott tries before he goes, Pietro on his heels.

Sam glances between the two. "Bye, Barnes."

"See ya, Sam."

They're finally alone, looking at each other.

"So... Uhm... Thanks for replying to the email... I know..." Bucky stumbles over his words.

"Of course Buck, I meant what I said. I will do whatever it takes."

"Thank you. I do feel much better. Still trying to get used to this hair, was used to just putting it in a bun, this takes work."

"It looks good. The training, too...” Steve adds. These things were already said in the emails, but the silence is just too awkward.

Bucky looks down at himself. "Yeah, it really helps. Keeping my mind occupied."

"The kids?"

"Ooh, yes. I never thought I would enjoy it as much. There's this one kid, such a handful, but in a good way, you know?" Bucky starts to tell him all about his students and the challenges, the swim... Steve responds with energy and laughter. They talk for nearly half an hour before the conversation starts to dry up.

Steve has so many questions, but he doesn't know if he should ask. Will it jeopardize their progress? He decides to bite the bullet. "How's Elethu doing?"

Startled, Bucky looks around before looking back at Steve. "Uhm, he's fine. He is in a meeting with T'Challa and the council, going over the yearly report of the soil, rocks… sand… whatever. I bet it's just as boring as it sounds," Bucky adds with smile. He's always hated meetings. Even back in…

Steve was the one who would sit in.

"That's good. Did you enjoy the date? I didn't ask and Wanda didn't want to tell me. She did show us all the video Shuri sent."

"She did?"

"Yeah, big screen TV."

"Oh my god, that's so embarrassing..." Bucky blushes as he runs his hand through his hair.

Steve can feel the familiar knot in his stomach, a pull in his chest. He still hasn't told Bucky about his condition... Not yet. Besides, the knot and the tightness don't happen every day.

"It was good, I enjoyed it. It was fun, we had a picnic the other day, he had some things to do in the village, he helps out some elders... And I said I wanted to go with. We only saw each other over the weekend, and once, briefly, during the week. We text a lot though."

"That's great, Buck. I'm happy to hear that. Does he- Is he-" Steve tries but falters. He doesn't know how to ask.

"Yeah, he knows. He doesn’t know about what I did, you know, to end up back here, when I went… He knows I… had some trouble… coping… with stuff. I'm not exactly a closed book anymore. Hey, my entire life and history are open to everyone with Google."

"I'm sorry."

"It’s fine, at least now I'm in charge of which parts of me goes to the web. I post what I want, so..."

"People like your posts."

"Yeah, there is one or two people that are being... difficult... but for some reason other followers take care of them, I hardly have to lift a finger. I blocked a couple hard-asses though."

"Yeah, that's good. Focus on the positive, right?"

It's a bit quiet after that. Bucky wants to talk more, just a little, and he knows Steve wants it too, he can see it. "So… Pietro is really fitting in nicely, isn't he? I know he speaks to Sam sometimes about what he's missed, and we talk too. I try to help him as much as I can, but I’m not in the best mindset to offer help right now."

"You are ideal. Don't sell yourself short."

Bucky breathes in sharply at that, a hesitant smile on his mouth. "Thanks. Listen, I should get going, we'll talk again? If that's okay?"

"Of course. Always. I'm glad to see you're doing well."

"Thank you.”

They look at each other, both smiling, cherishing this moment for what it is, for what it could mean for their relationship going forward.

“Bye, Steve."

"Bye, Buck."

With one last glance Bucky cuts the video and lowers his face to his arms resting on the table. Shuri instantly walks over and wraps her arms around him.

"It went much better than I expected," Bucky mutters into the hard metal surface.

"Yeah. It did."

"I thought you were going to be a bit, you know, bitchy towards him."

"I wanted to, but I didn't. For you. You have enough to deal with without me adding to it by being nasty to Steve. Besides, it looks as if he is being nasty enough to himself all on his own."

"Yeah, he looks like he's dealing with a lot."

"His problem."

"Shuri-"

"Yeah?"

"I'm doing good, right?" Bucky asks, glancing up at her.

Placing both her hands on his face, she stares him down. "You are doing great."

Steve is lying in bed. He can't sleep, his mind keeps going to the Skype call, to how great Bucky looked. It's been so long since he's seen him so happy and full of energy. He's doing so well.

The memories have started to plague him more and more since his stay in the hospital. The children visited and knew he had a heart problem, but didn't know the details. They are convinced their dad had a heart attack, and that's it. He didn't collapse because his best friend just left. They can't know that.

Steve still has the two disks in his room. He made the mistake of watching them again a few months ago, and nearly had a heart attack for real. He still can't get over how Bucky went back, how he stood there and told Sam that the screams were nothing... That they used to remove his organs while he watched. That he went back to the night before he fell...

How he talked to his younger self. _"No one ever told you, so I will. You did good, you did so good..."_

He did. He was amazing. Steve knew that. But no one ever told him. Steve knew that too.

Bucky was expected to fit a certain social standard, he was praised for his achievements and his manners and his marksmanship, but he wasn't praised for what a good man he was.

He wants to tell Bucky that he did go back. He did see his family. Bucky asked in the video, and Steve was filled with shame... Because he did, and it didn't end well.

_The streets looked the same. The war was over but the poverty and the effects of the Depression were still around. Newspapers declared the victory, but people went on with their daily struggles._

_He knocked on the door and it was Winifred that opened._

_Steve remembers how she clung to him, sobbing because at least one of her boys made it back. It wasn't her son, but Steve was as good as. She ushered him in the house, offering to make coffee. Becca ran to him, her fiancé behind her, watching as she also cried on Steve's shoulder._

_Steve felt as if the serum was failing, as if he was having an asthma attack. He shouldn't have come. He knew Bucky was alive, somewhere in this world, somewhere in the future... Still waiting, still counting down to one._

_He cried with them, it wasn't hard. One hug, one glance around the house and he was crumbling. He told them how brave Bucky was, had been... He told them it was quick, keeping the agonizing slow torture to himself. The long, long years a secret._

_He felt like a traitor, he felt like Schmidt, putting on a human mask to fit in. “We left humanity behind a long time ago...”_

_He agrees, now._

_He told them the good news: he is getting married!_

_He felt the atmosphere change. He felt more than saw Becca and one of the girls sharing a look, their confusion. He didn't understand until much, much later. Like 80 years later. One of the girls ran out, Becca followed._

_He remembered a whisper. "But Bucky..? They-"_

_"Shhh... Not here."_

“ _But-”_

“ _Not now!”_

_Winifred smiled, but it was hard, painted on. Fake. "That's good, Steve. You be happy, you hear? Sarah would have been proud."_

_"Will you come? You all are invited. I will introduce you to the other-"_

_"No. I'm sorry Steve. You go and get married. You go and be happy. You made it back."_

_"But-"_

_"Sorry, Steve, you should go. I have to take the twins to school now. We will talk later."_

_She never talked to him again._

_He walked out the door, feeling like he just lost a part of himself... Like he was just pushed aside, like he just made a terrible mistake._

_She found him. The Ancient One. She gave him tea, told him that the Barnes family was hurt, grieving... He shouldn't have come, not yet. They didn't blame him, but they knew he wasn't their son's friend anymore. That Stevie is gone. Gone the moment he went into a metal casket with Vita rays._

_He broke down, falling to his knees and crying. Cried like hasn't in years. He never cried like this in the future, the future that just became his past._

_She allowed him his time. She allowed him to lie on her floor, clutching his legs in a fetal position. He cried for Tony and Natasha. For Bucky and for everything he left behind._

_For his choice._

_"It may be five seconds, Steven Rogers, but it will change everything. You can't go back. You're here now."_

_"I have one set of particles left." His voice was hoarse, rubbed raw by the tears._

_"Who are you going to leave behind this time?"_

_He kept crying._

Steve opens his eyes to the room around him. She knew, too.

Becca knew.

The twins knew.

Winifred knew.

Dum Dum knew.

… He didn't.

He keeps crying.

Bucky is sitting on the highest lookout over the city, one of the palace towers. It's dusk, the sun low. The sunsets here in Wakanda are slowly becoming his favorite time of the day. When he was younger it was always the sunrise, the possibility of a new day, a new adventure. Now, it's a chance to reflect, to let go.

His talk with Steve is fresh in his mind. Something was bothering Steve, he looked like someone who is struggling. He no longer had that relaxed and carefree attitude about him, like when he sat on that bench. Maybe it is because what Bucky's done, going back to kill his younger version? Steve saw the video, he heard what Bucky said. In every timeline and every universe he would love Steve. Steve got it all.

It's true. He will always love Steve. But now it isn't crushing him anymore. It's getting better.

He doesn't know if and when he will be over it, but he will enjoy the time he has here, now. The chance he's been given, a fresh start.

He still doesn't regret what he did. He never will. Out there there is a Bucky who didn't become a monster. That still is, that _always_ will be, a good thing.

He looks down at his phone. Elethu asked him on another date this weekend. So far they had only shared a few dinners and walks, kissed twice, and Bucky enjoys it.

He still feels like they should take it slow. Elethu has his own problems to work out, but they are honest and open with each other. He can't ask for more.

Opening the camera, he takes a photo. He really loves this new world and its technology. He posts it to Instagram with a small description.

* * *

* * *

_As a child, and then a young man, my biggest fear, my one phobia, was heights. I hated heights. I read in a book that if you're afraid of heights it means one ancestor died by falling. But what if that ancestor is me? I fell, I died, then lived a life that made my fear of heights obsolete. Maybe I feared the fall long before I actually plummeted from that train? Now I can sit on top of the highest tower and appreciate the beauty of the world. I am better. I am good. I live. Day by day, one step at a time. Soon I will run again. @MyNameIsBucky  
_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you think you will ever forgive him?”  
> In the end, what for, really? He didn’t really owe Bucky anything, he didn’t know how Bucky felt. It was clear to see Steve wasn’t in the right place mentally, and he dealt with it maybe the only way he knew. It was shitty, but can Bucky still blame him? He did only come clean in that goodbye video. Too little, too late.

19 Oct 2024

Bucky wakes up to an insistent knocking on his door.

“It’s open!” he yells and turns around to check his phone on the bedside table. Still early, and he has another ten minutes on his alarm. The door opens and he can hear very light but clearly excited footsteps.

Shuri. 

Lifting his head, he is proven right when she walks around the corner and right into the bedroom. “Tsk, tsk... Such a beautiful day, and here you are…”

“Yup, here I am, sleeping in…” Bucky replies, smiling widely and trying to sit up. He is no longer surprised by her visits. It's not that she is persistent, or unreasonable - it's more like she is being the typical little sister, which he secretly loves. He misses his sisters fiercely.

“I’m actually impressed, didn’t know you knew how to do that, isn’t it your brooding time? Posting on your blog or something?” Shuri jokes, trying and failing to look serious. 

Bucky plays along. “That’s Sunday evenings… I schedule that in now…”

“Oh, good. Timetable and everything, I take it, a diligent teacher.”

“Oh, yes, even tea breaks, they're marked in yellow…” Shuri bursts out laughing and sits on the edge of the bed. Bucky looks up at her with fondness, his hands folded under his head. “Why are you so up early, should I be scared?”

“No… you and T’Challa are the same! See me early and start to wonder what I’m putting you through next. Really…”

“It is with good reason.”

“Well, since you mention it... I just came from the labs to get you to have breakfast with me. They're making those awesome cinnamon and raisin dough thingies…”

Bucky jumps out of bed, eager and happy. She furrows her brows and narrows her eyes. Bucky shrugs. “You had me at cinnamon…”

He quickly gets out his clothes and waves her towards the small living room to wait for him. She rolls her eyes. Once the shower is done and she can hear him in the room, putting on his shoes and combing his hair, she speaks again.

“Oh, you were right about the volcano…”

“Yeah… What about it?” Bucky asks as he grabs his phone and wallet and walks to the front door, opening it for her.

She continues, “The temperature did rise since the last time it was taken. Well, when I say last time… It’s been a few years, but it's still in the database. It got warmer over the years, since the battle. I think the Stones, their energy, or, hey, maybe even just nature itself, shifted it.” 

They walk to the communal rooms, occasionally passing someone and greeting them.

“Is it, like, bad hot, or just hot hot..?” Bucky asks.

“I have no idea what you just said or meant, but I take it you want to know if it's something to be concerned about?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Depends. I am keeping watch, but I don’t think it's something you should get all hot and bothered about. Unless that science geek side of yours is trying to come out.”

“Science geek… No idea what you’re talking about,” Bucky denies with a smile, trying to look innocent. 

Shuri just shakes her head. “Yeah… sure you don’t. Let’s feed you before your stomach rumbles and we mistake it for a volcano.”

“Ha, ha, ha.” Bucky makes a face at her. She just smiles.

They're quiet as they load their plates with food. Bucky takes two of the cinnamon thingies, and some coffee, too. They go to sit at one of the open tables, overlooking the jungle. 

“So, don’t get me wrong, I’m no archaeologist, geologist, or whatever they are, but isn’t it a bit, I don’t know, sudden?” Bucky asks again. He can’t hide his excitement - he only read about stuff like this as a kid, and he wasn’t paying as much attention as he should have.

“Oh, you know what they are called, you’re dating one… But back to the point, no, yeah… I mean… it doesn’t always happen overnight, I already got a team together to go check it out, get some readings. They will go into the caves and get samples, put down cameras and equipment for us to stay on top of it, but it does look like it will erupt in the next few years. We won’t be able to say for sure, we can just track it. Oh, if I say it's awesome, you understand that it's a scientific opinion, not like some villain who wants to see destruction?” Shuri asks as an afterthought. 

This time Bucky laughs and rolls his eyes. “Yes, I will. Don’t worry. The ‘science geek’ as you so eloquently put it.”

“Oh, good. Usually when I say something like that, I get these weird looks. It’s just, it will be good to see our technology and shielding in action. I don’t think we have anything to worry about, now that we know. We can prepare, get the data and minimise the danger. And there is nothing wrong with being a geek.”

“Yeah I know, I am one.”

“That you are. So…”

“I knew it. Not just a normal breakfast.”

“I did get you two cinnamon thingies!”

“Yes, you did,” Bucky agrees, already starting on the second one.

“Steve… Are you ready to see him?”

Bucky takes a breath and looks at his food. He knew it was coming, that he would, in a couple of weeks, or days… They've already Skyped once, spoke on the phone and sent a couple of emails back and forth, they are tackling their issues starting from the beginning... He still hasn’t got to the video part, the event that lead to him back here to Wakanda, but it is a start. Progress. The question though is, is he ready to _see_ him. In the flesh? Without the ability to hide behind a screen? 

He is. He thinks he is.

“Bucky…” Shuri starts but Bucky holds up his hand, smiling at her.

“I am. I miss him, and I know so much has happened, but I still miss the little punk. I keep getting these memories, you know, and I would see something beautiful and take a picture, and remember how we didn’t have cameras so I would ask Steve to draw it, but now I can’t do that… I still take the picture though, I save it, but it is… the… the little things.”

“Do you think you will ever forgive him?”

In the end, what for, really? He didn’t really owe Bucky anything, he didn’t know how Bucky felt. It was clear to see Steve wasn’t in the right place mentally, and he dealt with it maybe the only way he knew. It was shitty, but can Bucky still blame him? He did only come clean in that goodbye video. Too little, too late.

“I don’t think it's about forgiveness, he didn’t do anything that requires forgiving. Not from me at least. He did something for himself, he'd never done it before, and as much as I am hurt, and pained, and saddened by it, I can’t hold it against him. I held it against myself. I wanted to be worth it, I just didn’t measure myself with my own definition of worth, instead I used his, and I fell short. I didn’t deal with it in a good way, I know that now. I just felt so… lost… so conflicted, that I grabbed for anything that could take it away, even for a moment. In the end I still ended up broken at the bottom of the ravine and now I’m working myself out of it. I'm using my own measuring tape now, no one else’s. And I can’t… if I felt like this… how did he feel? He had to survive for so many years after we were gone. He was always too stubborn to adapt, always taking the long and hard way. He needed to fight, you can only fight for so long before you lose yourself,” Bucky says the last part so softly, looking away into the distance. It's true though. Shifting in his seat, he looks at Shuri, smiling sadly.

“Talking about you… what you did… when you went back…” Shuri tries, but doesn’t know how to put it.

Bucky can’t blame her. He got into a time machine, brought a dead man back and made sure a version of himself didn’t get off a torture table. “I still don’t regret it. I never will. You watched the video feed, right? I was broken long before Hydra got me.”

“That’s true. I also remember seeing a man telling himself he did good because no one else would. And I can’t help but be angry at the people you dealt with back then, even with the society back then, because I can’t comprehend someone not telling you you did good, when the only thing you’ve ever been is amazing.”

Bucky swallows deeply to hide the lump before looking at her. “Thank you. I needed to hear that, I think.”

“Yes, you did. But enough of the negatives… Change of subject. What’s your plan for today, seeing Elethu?”

“Yes.” Bucky is glad for the change. Elethu is a much better topic.

“Just ‘yes’?” Shuri asks, her eyebrows furrowing and mouth pouting. She wants more.

“We’re going to stay in, he is coming over and we’re going to watch a few movies, then I am going to make us dinner. Just a night in, relaxing.”

“Oh jeez, I’m so cloning myself a straight version of you.” Shuri takes the perfect moment when Bucky is drinking coffee to say that. Bucky snorts his coffee all over himself and the table, causing Shuri to burst out laughing.

“Shuri!!!”

“I should’ve taken a photo, perfect meme! You have a meme face, Bucky Barnes.”

“Oh, not that again.”

“At least you know what a meme is.”

“That’s true.” Bucky quickly takes a few napkins and wipes the table, glancing at her. “Straight version?”

“Yeah, I think a man like you is a keeper.”

The blush is light, but still there. “Thanks… I think?”

“Hmmm. Anyway, I’m glad you’re having a good time. Just… don’t take this the wrong way, I mean no disrespect…” Shuri leans forward, her face suddenly serious.

Bucky’s smile falls off his face. “What?” he asks, dreading her answer. She looks carefully in his eyes.

“Don’t break your bed.” 

The blush is instant, covering his whole face, and Shuri shrieks with laughter, then stands up.

“I should not have told you that,” Bucky tries to avoid any more embarrassment.

“I’m so glad you did. I’m going to remember it forever.”

“Oh, please no.” 

“Sorry! Got to go, I have another brother to annoy today, he and Nakia are talking table settings…”

“Oh… good luck.”

“For him or me?”

“Him.” Shuri shakes her head and starts to walk away, but Bucky stops her. “Hey, before you go… Can I go with the scientists? When they go to the caves again, I would like to help?”

“You can go with the next group, they will actually take samples, stay longer than five minutes.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Have a good day, Bucky Barnes, geek in hiding.”

“You too!”

Bucky watches her leave with a smile, and a light shake of his head.

This one.

* * *

* * *

Bucky is making the first preparations for dinner when the second knock of the day comes. Smiling, he goes to open the door.

“Hey,” he greets as Elethu walks in, carrying a bottle of wine.

“Hey, sorry I'm a bit late, I had a conference call that went on a bit longer.”

“You’re…” Bucky looks down at his watch. “… four minutes late. It's hardly anything.”

“Still, I didn’t want to keep you waiting,” Elethu replies, smiling at Bucky who's blushing furiously.

Closing the door, he pulls Elethu close. “If we’re going to talk penance, I think a kiss would suffice?” Bucky mutters softly before pulling him in for a kiss. Elethu wraps his arms around Bucky and doesn't bother to answer with words. When they part, both smile happily.

“I should put this in the fridge. I made some snacks, hungry?” Bucky asks, taking the bottle from Elethu. On the small kitchen table there are several plates with snacks and dips.

“I could eat. It looks great. So you’ve never seen these movies before?” Elethu asks as he takes a small plate and loads it with some snacks before making his way to the couch.

“Nope. It looks good, or at least the description does,” Bucky replies, also taking a plate. They put their feet up on the small table in front of them and Bucky presses play.

“Just so you know, James, I do have a tendency to offer my unmatched and delightful commentary.”

“Really? Okay, let’s see what you’ve got. I bet I can beat you though.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty good with my mouth.” Bucky blushes again, looking away, trying to hide his embarrassment. 

Elethu laughs softly. “Okay. Kick my ass then.”

The whole movie they try to outdo the other with witty remarks. The end of the movie is a great dance scene, and that is when they both finally quiet, watching in awe.

“That’s pretty amazing,” Elethu says as the credits roll.

“Yeah, I mean, I could dance back in the day, but this… I had no idea what the movie was about, but I do know they can dance.”

“Yeah, same. We dance quite a lot in our culture, but those people, they got some moves.”

“I want to learn how to dance like that. I think I can, can’t be that hard, right? I did some ballroom dancing, the Lindy Hop was something, too...” Bucky says, a faraway look in his eyes, a smile on his lips.

Elethu looks at him and can’t help but feel like a teenager with their first crush. Bucky is beautiful to look at. He's seen him dancing at the festival all those weeks ago, and he's seen him training, but moves like that…

He jumps up as an idea strikes him. Taking out his phone, he starts scrolling. “Okay, come on, let’s see some moves!”

Bucky looks confused as he watches Elethu starting to move some of the furniture. “What?” 

“Come on, I will play DJ, let’s dance, show me your moves… and no Linda hopping, got it? Bring it on…” Elethu is full of life and energy and Bucky is swept up. Smiling, he jumps up and helps move the furniture.

“Okay, show me your moves first, I will follow.”

“Got it.”

The first drum beat hits the room and Elethu starts dancing, some funky hip hop style with his legs and hips, and Bucky follows. They are laughing like children, but don’t stop. Elethu is mesmerized. Bucky looks happy, he's getting the moves right the first time, without struggling. He was born to move, he's got the rhythm. Dancing was his passion, it's clear to see.

They dance long after the music stops; Bucky’s hair is flying everywhere, his eyes shining. They're both sweaty and laughing wildly: happy, radiant, but most of all, just living in the moment.

Elethu moves to the side so Bucky could have the floor, trying a complicated move that requires him to half fall and jump up again. He does it right the first time, a huge smile on his face.

“Yes! Take that. First time!” he exclaims, holding his hands in the air in victory.

Elethu doesn’t say anything, he keeps staring at Bucky, who laughs and does it again, slower.

“You see that! Master in the making,” Bucky adds before turning to Elethu. “What?” 

Elethu keeps staring, his eyes glued to Bucky, his smile soft.

Bucky frowns and looked down at himself. “What? I did it, right? Did I step in the dip… What?”

Elethu doesn’t answer, instead he walks over to Bucky, his steps slow and purposeful. Bucky watches him with a slight frown. Elethu comes to a complete stop before him and slowly raises his hands to cup Bucky’s face.

“You are _beautiful_ , James Barnes,” Elethu whispers. 

Bucky is taken aback, the wonder in his eyes as Elethu looks at him, the adoration and pure acceptance. “I… don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything,” Elethu replies, before closing the distance and locking his lips with Bucky, who pulls him tight against him, his arms wrapping around Elethu’s torso to keep him close. 

They kiss for several minutes, growing more and more and heated, until Bucky finally pulls away, taking a deep breath.

“Sorry… I just…”

“It’s all right.”

“It’s just, if I don’t stop, I don’t think I will be able to… and… I... it’s…” Bucky tries, but Elethu puts his finger under Bucky’s chin so he can look at him.

“It’s fine. No rush. I’m with you, every step of the way.”

“Thanks,” Bucky sighs. “I think I should start dinner, that okay?”

“Perfect. How can I help? I can chop vegetables like a pro...”

“No, my treat. You just… talk to me, about anything.”

“Okay. So… remember I told you about my sister’s first dance class…” 

* * *

* * *

[image saying: The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.]

One of the things I'm most grateful for in this new life if that I have people - family, sisters! - that understand me. They communicate to understand, and when they reply, it's always thoughtful and worth listening to. You make moving on worth it. #family #sisters #newlife #understanding _@mynameisbucky_

_@GeniusPrincess_ It's a privilege, Brother.

_@RedWispsOfAir_ Well, we're all in this together, aren't we? Right back at you! :*

_@AwesomeFalcon_ ... I'd like to state for the record that I've got paperwork to prove my qualifications as a truly amazing listener. Just saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kocuria's note: for the moodboard, I've decided that the 2011 remake of _Footloose_ might be a fun, classic, dance-related date movie. 'cause why not.  
> Also, have some gifs of smiley Seb dancing, for futher visual :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't think we understand the value and importance of honesty, of communication, until it's no longer possible. We take it for granted, we use it like a bottle of salt - something we can take off the shelf and use, then put it back, thinking we flavoured the whole dish. But we didn't. Not until everyone agrees that the meal was good, that the taste was the same. Some may have got a bit with too much salt, others didn't get enough. Some don't like it, and others didn't even have a meal."

20 Oct 2024

Bucky spends the Sunday morning cleaning up and putting his furniture back the way it was. After their little dance session (that escalated into a make-out session) Bucky finally made dinner that they ate on the floor. Elethu put a blanket in the open space and Bucky lit a few candles. Bucky insisted he would set everything right in the morning, so they just lied back down, talking and making out. 

Bucky was a bit conflicted when Elethu left. He isn’t ready for anything more, but he does like the way he feels with Elethu, how they move together. He wants to take it slow, to make sure it's real before they move it to that next level. He isn’t going to make the mistake of having sex for the wrong reasons again. He tried that and it didn’t turn out well. It has to mean something.

Although looking back, he can see the humour in being caught with his pants down…

He sighs as his thoughts go back to Elethu. He left after nine when he received a text message from his sister. Something was off, but he promised he would talk to Bucky about it today. Bucky just hopes everything is fine, even though he hasn’t met Elethu’s sisters yet... He wonders if his past is going to be a problem. 

Speaking of which, he needs to send an email to Steve. He has some time. Taking his laptop, he sits down at the desk and opens a new mail.

* * *

* * *

To: [StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com](mailto:StevenGRogers@Shield-HQ.com)

CC:

Subject: Another issue

Hey, firstly, it was really good to talk over Skype. I was a bit hesitant, scared because I kept remembering the last time I saw you, going on that holiday... 

It was good. I didn’t know how much I missed seeing your mug until then. I think it was a good step forward.

Anyway. We've been sending emails back and forth over the past few weeks, slowly dealing with stuff, talking about things and... I don’t know Steve, I think we should've talked about a lot of this stuff years ago. We’re we too full of pride? Too full of the conditioning, of how we were supposed to be in the war? When you were on the run, how many times did we sit at the lake, talking nonsense, while there were so many important things to discuss? I mean, did I ever tell you how much I hated you leaving to go on your Nomad missions with Natasha and Sam? I know you had to. I know it was the right thing to do. But we never talked about ‘why’, about how it came to that? You were all so careful with my recovery, with me trying to find myself, that I think we were wearing kid gloves most of the time.

Sometimes I wished we just, you know, yelled, or argued about it. You were trying to fix everything. I kept trying to understand why you felt you had to do it alone. I know you blamed yourself, you always did. But nothing was your fault. None of it. Things just sucked. It's life, you know. Try as we might, there will always be something that requires us to make a decision, and it may not always be the right one, and we might have to struggle, deal with the outcome, but still. It isn’t one person’s fault. It certainly wasn’t yours.

You didn’t let the 107th get captured. How could it have been your fault? You were doing the USO tours. You didn’t know about Zola, or Schmidt… you certainly didn’t know about me being tortured. Yet, you felt responsible.

Then the fall…

Fuck…

You never let that go, did you?

You know, I remember everything, that moment is ingrained in my mind. It wasn’t your fault.

The Valkyrie…

I think… what I’m trying to say is that if you didn’t carry so much guilt, if you dealt with your PTSD... I wonder if things would’ve been different. Not your choice to go back, I don’t want to talk about that _now_ , I did that already, I left you a video, so…

Did you ever deal with your PTSD, or did you just go on and on and on? Went on hiding behind the shield, trying to fight your way to peace?

I talked to Sam a couple of times, back in the day - about you, about how you have this ‘martyr complex’, that unless you take responsibility for each and every person and thing, you don’t feel valued. We were both so frustrated with you. It was nice, not being the only one at wits' end anymore. Sam told me that until you found me he didn’t really know the real Steve - he only knew Captain America because that is what you showed to the world. It's not healthy, Steve. I don’t even know why I make it an issue, it’s nothing new. Maybe because I know things could’ve been so different if you dealt with it. Maybe the Accords would have been handled differently, maybe…

I had a dream about Tony the other night. We were back in Siberia. The place where it all began. God, I never, ever wanted to go there, but I did. I had to watch your back. Zemo… fuck… I put him in the same bag as Zola, more scared of them than anything else in the world.

I spent decades in that place, Steve. I knew every hallway, every room, every sound of every metal door. That chair in the middle... my chair. No other Soldier was ever placed in it. It was there just for me. I was the only one that had to be wiped again and again. In the open, so that there was enough space for the other soldiers to take me down if needed. I killed… too many when it was placed in a small, confined room. The bigger the room, the more people, the more guns…

I would lay in that chair, bound, and look up and see that damn metal hatch, wishing I could just climb up and out… but I never did. Then, that fight, and you told me to go… I got to the top. After so many years, I got to the top, I was going to climb out! Then Tony wrapped his metal arms around me, he asked if I even remember them, killing his parents… I said “I remember them all.” Then we fell again. The hatch closed. I don’t remember much after that. I do remember Tony getting the upper hand, and the only thing I could think of was to distract him, trying to touch his leg. A soft feeble grab, but it was enough. It distracted him so you could win.

You know, I didn’t lie… I do remember them all… I… I… malfunctioned... after Howard. He recognised me… I didn’t understand. I was out of cryo for a few weeks by then. The conditioning never lasted very long. I went back and they could _see_. I asked: “Was Sergeant Barnes me? Why did he call me that…?” I knew I messed up when I saw their faces. It was time for another lesson. I usually learned my lessons quickly.

It was almost thirty years before I malfunctioned again. When I saw you on the bridge. They were going to wipe me again. I was ‘problematic’. Pierce came in, told me how great I am, how wonderful I was to the cause... I didn’t listen. I pushed a scientist away when they tried to wipe me, it caused the STRIKE team to lift their weapons. I’m no stranger to having multiple weapons aimed at me.

I remember, I know exactly how my body would look if they did indeed shoot. They'd done it so many times before.

I got a picture of a bend and rusted lid… It was the one you picked up behind that dumpster one day. Anyway, I recognised you, but couldn’t place you. I asked Pierce “Who was that man?” and he said I met you earlier that week, when I was on another mission. When I shot Fury. I didn’t believe him, I could feel his lies, I told them I knew you and they just looked at each other, and I knew… Once they looked at each other a certain way, I knew I malfunctioned…

I didn’t want to forget…

They didn’t give me that muzzle for the helicarrier. I remember afterwards they did it to spite you. To make you look at me, knowing I don’t know you, that you would have to fight me. Plus, after the helicarrier, I was to be terminated, so they didn’t care about my face being seen.

I’m sorry they did that to you, make you face me like that. Would it have been easier if I wore a muzzle that day? Would it have been easier on you? Did I just add to your PTSD? Did I add to your nightmares?

I’m going to go now. I will call you during the week, hopefully we can Skype again too. It was so nice seeing you. Say “hi” to everyone, and by everyone, I mean, your… You know… kids.

Bucky

* * *

Bucky walks towards the café where he and Elethu decided to meet up. It's a good decision. The walk did him good, cleared his mind of the hard email. Maybe he should’ve have sent it later, it was a bit heavy on the ‘feels’, as Shuri would say. But it had to come out. He can feel the change within, he can feel the progress he is making with this. Sam was right, the wounds need to be completely cleaned before they can heal and he can move on. The scabbing is just a mess, but he does feel better. For the first time in a very long time he feels as if his friendship with Steve might be salvageable.

Elethu is standing next to a small clothing shop opposite the café. He's looking at swimwear. Bucky walks up to him, already smiling and happy.

“Thinking about swimming?”

“James...” Elethu spins around with a huge smile on his face. He grabs Bucky’s hand and pulls him into a hug and a small kiss.

“I think I should make it a rule, everyone should greet me like this,” Bucky says when they let go, their hands still clasped together.

“That wouldn’t be advisable,” Elethu says, grinning.

“Fine, only you.”

“Acceptable.”

“So, are you thinking of buying a new costume?”

“I have one at home, but I didn’t bring it, and I suddenly felt like going on a swim today. It's a very good day for that, isn't it? I was thinking I could buy a pair and we could go swimming, the lake is close by.”

Bucky is surprised at the idea, but then again, it is a wonderful day, and maybe swimming would be nicer than just splashing in the shallows.

“You know what… let’s do it.”

It's late afternoon when Bucky and Elethu end up under a tree, the lake in front of them. They're in their swimwear, towel underneath them, and the ground is pleasantly warm. Children and families are swimming and splashing around.

Bucky is lying flat, his arms under his head. Elethu is resting against the tree.

“Okay, so you were right, the swimming _was_ an excellent idea.”

“Thank you. I very much enjoyed it, too. But the water is just… I don’t know, it feels warmer than usual.”

“I think it feels fantastic, not so cold… warmer is nice, feels like a bath. Perfect for skinny dipping...” Bucky adds as an afterthought, feeling lazy. Elethu is right, the water does feel warmer, but maybe it's because of the weather. It is almost summer.

“Skinny dipping?” Elethu asks, his eyes narrowing at Bucky.

Bucky smiles back and shrugs, or at least moves one shoulder.

“Oh yeah, it's tons of fun. I should take you some day.”

“I will hold you to that.”

They are quiet for a few minutes, each enjoying the lazy afternoon sun. Bucky keeps glancing at Elethu. Something is bothering him, and there is a slight tension in his shoulders.

“Elethu?”

“Hmmm?”

“What’s wrong? You left suddenly yesterday. I know you said you will tell me, but I can’t help but wonder, is it my past? Is your family unhappy that we’re spending time together?” Bucky asks. He can’t keep it in. He needs to know.

“No! Oh, Bast, James, no… I’m sorry you got that idea… They are happy for me, and actually want to meet you,” Elethu protests fiercely, grabbing for Bucky, to ground him. Bucky allows him to take his hand, sitting up and crossing his legs.

“Then...”

“My sister found out, Thabo is back in Wakanda.”

Bucky keeps his face neutral as a heavy feeling settles in his bones. He knows that name.

“Thabo… your ex.”

“Yes. Remember I told you about us, what happened?”

“Yeah, you were both young, talked about moving in, just starting your careers, then the Snap happened and you were alone... You stepped up in the office, had to, as most were gone and you survived. We came back and things changed.” That's the short version, the full story was much more detailed, much more filled with emotions.

“Yeah, to him, to everyone that was gone, it was a mere moment, right?”

“Right...” Bucky would know. His life changed completely but to him it was just a blink. A Blip.

“To us… those who stayed, it was horrible. Half my family were gone, _he_ was gone, and the previous day we were trying to make peace with the fact that there was a war coming. We just came back from a night of clubbing, and then he was gone. We, those who stayed, picked up the pieces… And when he came back, he didn’t realise so much has changed. That I am five years older now, that I no longer am the free-spirited young man who wanted to go out on weekends and still had yet to work my way up the ladder. I already _was_ up the ladder, at the very top, so quickly, I had so much responsibility now… So many other priorities… He still wanted to be young, carefree. We started fighting, we couldn’t communicate anymore… We were complete strangers. I didn’t think we would adapt to it overnight, so much has changed. I mean, besides moving in, we were just getting started, we didn’t even have our affairs in order, a will or a testament, we were just living in the moment. Thabo was still like that when everyone came back. He sought me out, he realised something massive had happened, then the shock of seeing me, in the palace, running my own division, advisor to the Queen, trying to keep Wakanda going... Last time he saw me I was wearing shorts, with dreadlocks and a tongue piercing… Suddenly I was this adult, this mature man, and he didn’t understand it. It was a difficult few days. My sister that was gone - she was still in varsity, she was studying for her exams, and suddenly it was five years later, and she'd never taken those exams, all her friends are finished with school, some are married, some have children, and here she is, still a kid.”

Bucky knows the feeling. He knows all about being strangers with someone you were very close to. He knows about having to find a way when the roads all seem blocked off.

“Shuri says it can take up to five years for some balance to be regained, the bare minimum to be visible..." Elethu continues, "longer to be restored to what was before, up to par. How could I focus on him, move on, when he didn’t understand this? When there is so much to do? When it felt like he is behind me... or I’m way ahead. Does it make sense?”

“Yes, it makes sense. You two are different now, just like we all are... Those who stayed and those who left, I think it is a very difficult situation for both sides. The problem, or solution, or whatever you want to call it, will be a compromise, meeting each other halfway. An adaption. So… now he is back? Did he say for how long? What he wants? Why he came back?” Bucky can't help but wonder what this means for whatever's going on between him and Elethu. He just started getting his feet under him, he can't help but dread that something will come and ruin it before it even begins.

“Yes, he left for a year. He always wanted to travel the world, he had everything planned and he wanted me to go with. I was originally going to go, a year off, see the world... Now that the war is over and so on, he still wanted us to go, to celebrate. But I couldn’t, it wasn’t who I was anymore. So, we broke up. He said he wants to talk, he said something about how this year wasn’t easy for him.”

“Are you going to see him?” Bucky asks, not sure he likes where this is going. He won’t even try to stop it though. He understands the idea of moving on, of finding common ground, of surviving... of finding a new equilibrium in those relationships that suffered.

“I don’t know, I don’t know what to say.”

Bucky leans into Elethu’s space, bringing their faces closer.

“I think, you will do what is best, the right thing, because I know you. You are one of the good guys, Elethu, and whatever it is, I will support you.” 

Elethu’s shoulders drop, his posture relaxes as he leans in closer.

“Thank you. I’m glad that I know you.”

“Same here. Now… I’m going to kiss you, that okay?”

Elethu smiles at that and pulls Bucky closer. “More than okay.” When they part, Elethu tilts his head. “So when are we going skinny dipping?”

They stay until the sun is very low on the horizon. Bucky takes more pictures. Elethu holds him tight. They kiss, then they swim once more. They're happy for now.

Bucky's face falls the moment he's back in his room. He's wearing his clothes again, his swimming trunks wrapped in the towel and waiting for laundry day. 

He grabs a beer from the fridge before making his way out the door, sitting on one of the chairs, staring at the garden. 

He meant what he said about supporting Elethu... But he also knows that feeling, that first true, real love. Moving in together was not a small decision, it was huge. Elethu confided in him, back when they were still just talking, before they started dating, that he thought Thabo was the one, the one he was going to marry. You don't just move on from that overnight. And the way the break up happened, the whole Snap... It ruined a lot of good things for a lot of people. 

In the end, there isn't a lot he can do. He doesn't know how it will end, but he knows that he will learn to be okay whatever happens. 

His laptop is still on the small table next to the chairs. Pulling it close, he logs on to his blog. It's been a while. 

He isn't sure what to say, but once he starts, the words just flow out of him. 

* * *

* * *

I don't think we understand the value and importance of honesty, of communication, until it's no longer possible. We take it for granted, we use it like a bottle of salt - something we can take off the shelf and use, then put it back, thinking we flavoured the whole dish. But we didn't. Not until everyone agrees that the meal was good, that the taste was the same. Some may have got a bit with too much salt, others didn't get enough. Some don't like it, and others didn't even have a meal.

We can talk and talk and never say anything worthwhile. Yet we can be silent and whole conversations flow. I used to do both. I could talk a mile a minute, and say nothing. It used to be easy, smile the right way, dance to the right song... Easy... I could be silent with a few, with one, and say more than any words possibly could. 

Now...

I'm still trying to figure out if I can be both. My silences aren't always read the right way, with the right amount of 'salt'... But then again, the people at the table don't know my brand, they don't know how I use it. That means I have to say more. Which is difficult. I think one of the hardest things I had to do, in this new world, is finding myself after being lost for so long, and opening myself to words. Not just empty nonsense that was expected, but words that had to be edible. To be understood. To be vulnerable, yet strong, open, yet confident in my confinement. To be me, yet be someone who changed, who evolved.

I saw a picture on Twitter the other day, a quote about a butterfly and a worm in a cocoon. The worm told the butterfly it changed. The butterfly responded: “We're supposed to.” I like that. Change isn't always bad, not when we keep the core of us, the inner person, the same. We don't change for the worse, we evolve for the better. 

Maybe the way we communicate plays a vital role. It did in my case. It still does. 

Maybe I have no idea what I’m trying to say, and this is just the late-night ramblings, but... still.

I really should go to bed…

Blog updated…

* * *

It helps. These emails he's sending to Steve are helping him more and more, too - more than he ever thought they would. It was a good idea, because finally he is learning the value of communication, something he should've learned and done long ago. Maybe if he and Steve had been on better terms, maybe if they'd communicated better all those years ago, in the war and after meeting again, maybe things would have been better. Maybe Steve would still have left.... But maybe Bucky would have dealt with it better, too. He will never know, now, he can only move forward. In doing that he needs to make peace with a few facts. One is that he really, really wants to have Steve back in his life, even if it is for a short while. Before Steve… Okay, so it's just one fact so far. Second one: he also wants to move forward, discover a life that he was robbed of.

Closing the laptop, he sits back in the chair, allowing the sounds of the night to comfort him. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I took you for granted. I didn't value your loyalty and compassion until I lost it. I only realized how much I appreciated you in my life when I no longer had you. It was the biggest mistake of my life."

24 Oct 2024

Steve re-reads the email Bucky sent. He has to stop several times to get his composure back. These emails are brutal in their honesty, cutting straight to the core. Bucky wasn't joking when he said it was going to be hard, but this... It's so raw, so crude, that Steve must take several moments to just process what is being said. He never replies straight away, taking a day or two to process the email, to make peace with it, then to admit to himself that Bucky is right. That so much pain and heartache could’ve been avoided if they'd just talked.

They never had that problem in Brooklyn. But the war...

It always comes back to the fucking war.

Steve hates it now - the word, the idea, everything about it. He was so desperate to join, wishing he could help... He did get his wish. 

Careful what you wish for, that’s what they say. He wasn’t. He paid the price.

Sitting down, he looks at Bucky’s email. He should reply, it's already been a few days. They did text briefly during the week, and he saw a few posts Bucky made on Twitter. Somehow, they have an unspoken agreement to keep the email issues private.

Taking a breath, Steve starts to type.

When he's done, he reads it through one more time before clicking 'send'. He wishes he could say more, he wants to ask about Dum Dum, about his family, but doesn't. Maybe when the time is right. When Bucky is ready. He may have said a few things that he wishes stayed hidden, but the whole point was, no more hiding away. Open and raw.

Standing up, he measures out his meds and swallows them with water. He wonders what Bucky is doing now. 

Bucky stands in the middle of the classroom, his hands on his hips. The kids are all around him, looking up and smiling widely... Two teams, standing in two rows.

"Okay, one more time. Everyone holds hands, don't let go, the stronger your link, the harder for the other team to push through. Okay... One... twooooo... three!"

The kids stand strong as the other team tries to push through the line, everyone holding tight. Bucky looks at the clock. Time's almost up, and it looks like there's going to be a tie.

"Aaaand stop. That’s it, kids. Class over."

"But who won?" the one closest to him asks and there's a chorus of agreement.

"It's a tie, so maybe tomorrow we will have a rematch. Or, you could all share the prize..."

"Rematch!"

Smiling, Bucky nods. "Okay, tomorrow, rematch. Bye, you all!"

Some wave and run out, others stop to pick up their bags first. Some give him a hug. Eventually the class is empty, and Bucky sits down at his desk. Today's bunch was busy and loud. There's no training tonight as the warriors are doing a pre-sweep for the engagement party. This means Bucky has time off.

Opening his emails, he sees Steve's replied. Bucky's email must have hit him a bit harder, as he took a few days longer than usual. Steve did briefly interact with him on social media, and they sent a few texts, but it was all superficial, nothing like what they discuss in those emails.

Opening it, he starts to read.

* * *

* * *

_To:[WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa](mailto:WhiteWolf@wakandaschool.co.wa)_

_CC:_

_Subject:_ RE: Another issue

Hey, Buck.

It was very good to speak to you on Skype, I'm really looking forward to seeing you again. I must admit, I was taken aback with how good and wonderful you look. And happy. I kept trying to figure out when was the last time you were so happy and I couldn't remember. I'd like to think of it as a good start as well.

You know, I kept wondering why we didn't talk. We never had this problem as kids, how many nights did we spend talking each other's ears off? We couldn't stay mad, we couldn't go a day with at least one big sit down. Maybe it was the social boxes and check marks that changed us.

I wish they didn't.

I never knew you felt like that about the Nomad missions. I never really liked going, but... I felt it was my responsibility, my penance. My fault.

So many nights I've spent thinking about how my life changed, what would have happened if I never went to war... but, I can't. I can't comprehend it. Would your unit still have been...

In the end, it all comes down to a single moment in time. I lost you the moment I watched you walk away at the Expo. That's the night Erskine saw me. He heard us talking. What if we didn't stand in that spot, at that time? There are so many variables that led to that moment, that I can't doubt I was supposed to be there. That I was meant to. The only thing I struggle with is... is the idea, or the thought, was I meant to lose you in that moment?

Did I lose you the moment I was noticed by something bigger than us, out there?

Then I can only conclude that, no... I did that myself. I did that to myself. To us.

God, I was so selfish, I never stopped to think what it would do to you to go back to Siberia, to that place. I saw your fear when your arm was held in that vice, but I pushed it aside, there were other things to worry about. You didn't let your fear deter you. You followed me, once again. Without complaint, without expecting anything back. You never did.

I took you for granted. I didn't value your loyalty and compassion until I lost it. I only realized how much I appreciated you in my life when I no longer had you. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

I was so concerned with stopping Zemo that I didn't see that place in its entire evil. That Chair. I saw it and got angry, I saw it and wanted to scream, but you... You're the one who was made to sit in it. It was you that...

My anger was nothing compared to...

And I didn't offer you any comfort. Why don't you hate me? You should! I do. For what I've done... You should've never granted me the opportunity to talk to you again, yet you do... you always were a better man than I was.

I led you back there...

You followed.

Because of me.

Always me.

“Look after Steve...”

Me.

ME.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Malfunction?

They had no right.

That muzzle?

Dammit, Buck. Fuck... No... It wouldn't have been easier to fight you with it. I still knew it was you under there... I...

The first time I ever stepped back from a fight was that day. I couldn't do it. It was you, Buck. It was you. It's always been you.

Tony once said he didn't trust someone who didn't have a dark side... And it's you. If someone as much as touched you, I wanted to fight them. You always had that power over me. I'm not trying to say you are the bad part of me, I'm trying to say... you have always been my biggest strength, but also my biggest weakness. I couldn't see clearly when you were involved. Maybe I could've handled the Accords better, but I saw you, and went completely off the rails. I remember you in that glass cage, completely resigned to your fate... You said in Bucharest, “It always ends in a fight.” That killing you was a good strategy.

There is absolutely zero strategy in the entire universe where you dying is a good one. None.

You were right about me never letting go, carrying the guilt and shame for what happened to you. When Natasha gave me your file and I opened it, there were two pictures: you, young and in uniform, the other one, you in cryo, eyes closed, dark circles like bruises, face frozen in pain. They might've as well put my name in big red letters on it. It felt like I did that to you.

I didn't deal with it, not once, not even a little.

I wanted to be Cap so badly, because Cap had all the answers, Cap was infallible, Cap was strong. Cap dealt with things like a man. Me, I was scared and skinny, Stevie Rogers who felt more alone than ever. I felt like a failure. I failed you.

I wanted to be strong, serum-filled soldier, not the small, scared boy.

And what it cost me...

Here I am, alone again. In a world twice lived, but hardly anything changed.

I gained a lost life, I finally gained the respect of the world, I finally stood up to the biggest bully, but at what price?

My prize was glory. My price was you.

It wasn't an even deal.

You never added to my nightmares or my PTSD. Never. I never really dealt with it and that's all on me. As you said, I took the blame.

There wasn't anything else left to take.

PS. I will.

PSS. Thank you.

* * *

Bucky sits as if frozen, flabbergasted by what he just read. How… what? Steve… Did no one actually care to look at him after he came out of the ice? Did no one spend time with him? Trying to learn who the man under the suit was? Did everyone just see Blue, Red and White and screw the rest? Bucky is angry, so angry and so frustrated. He feels the need to punch something. If someone saw… If someone… Maybe he would’ve adjusted better and then maybe… He never…

No.

“No. Stop… Don’t think like that,” Bucky whispers to himself, rubbing his hands together, trying to calm himself.

He reads the email again and something else sticks out. “What the fuck? _‘My price was you?!’_ Fuck, I went nowhere, you left! You walked away, not me… I didn’t, I never, ever in all my fucking life willingly left you…”

The anger rushes through him and he jumps up, starting to pace around the room, his hands pulling on his hair in frustration.

_'Alone again…'_

Bucky spins around, back to the screen. “You’re the one who walked away, you’re the one… who… we didn’t… we just tried to survive! You’re the one with the fucking family, Halloween dress-ups, Thanksgivings… dancing… ocean holidays… surfing… remember?!!” Bucky yells at the screen, before taking a deep breath. He looks around. The walls feel oppressive around him. He needs to get out.

Grabbing his stuff, he nearly runs out of the room.

Wanda is in the kitchen preparing dinner when her phone buzzes. Distracted, she picks it up.

_Shuri: “Okay musketeers… we are back on Bucky duty”_

Frowning, Wanda lowers the spoon and reads the text again before replying. 

* * *

* * *

Wanda: What’s up? Thought he is doing well? 

Sam: Yeah, that’s why we took a break from guardian angel duty… and this group chat 

Shuri: He is, very well, however in the next couple weeks he will be seeing Steve for the first time face to face since that day… 

Wanda: Oh shit… that’s right…

Sam: Damn… 

Shuri: Exactly, even though they have started talking again, this is going to be quite intense… there is a lot on the line here 

Wanda: Yeah, Steve came a long way, he is suffering, but Bucky is our first priority. Even if he pretends everything is fine, this must be hard for him 

Sam: Okay, so we all will just make sure we stay close and pay attention. We should maybe ask Pietro to look out as well? We should add him to this group 

Shuri: Will do. Will send information as I get it. I will talk to Bucky again, did the other day, he seems ready and eager to see him again. But maybe he thought about some more, I did kind of do it spur of the moment 

Sam: That’s okay, this means he is aware of it, and maybe started to think about it, or prepare himself for it 

Wanda: Yeah, I bet he is psyching himself up for it 

Shuri: He will be fine. I will keep you updated 

Wanda: Thanks 

Sam: Gotcha

Shuri: Oh, before I forget, I know about Steve’s condition, is he still taking his meds? 

Wanda: Yes, but, uhm… I don’t know if it's working… 

Shuri: Why?

Sam: It’s not the meds, it’s the pain, the guilt… he is not coping very well 

Shuri: Well, I can’t fix that, he made his bed. As much as I care about his health, the truth is you can’t make your own rain then complain you’re wet. He must face it and move on 

Sam: That’s true. Anyway, he is still taking his meds, and he is scheduled for a check-up before we leave 

Shuri: I will arrange for one here as well, we recently had some new medical breakthroughs that could help him

Wanda: Thanks, Shuri, I think it would help a lot. I know he is slowly improving, now that he and Bucky are talking again, but I get the feeling there is still something else 

Shuri: Hmmm, we can only speculate 

Sam: Yeah, but without confirmation, we won’t know 

Shuri: But we can guess… 

Wanda: That we do

Shuri: When is he going to tell Bucky?

Wanda: …… 

Sam: ..... you got me....

_Pietro added to group…_

* * *

Bucky runs for close to an hour before he's calm enough. He still doesn’t know what to do about the email. He's been going over it again and again in his mind, the words swirling around. He's angry and sad, because he knows why Steve said that... he understands where it's coming from. You don’t do months of therapy and not learn something. Steve is a bigger train wreck than he was, or maybe still is... And Bucky has decades of brainwashing and mental instability under his belt. But the thing is, the difference is that he knows he's messed up, he admitted it from the beginning and got help, made an effort to get better. He changed his mindset, he grew and learn.

Steve… didn’t.

He never got to the point where he admitted he needs help. He only admitted time and time again that he was too afraid, too focused on keeping up appearances, that it cost him. He is alone now. Yes, he is back with the Avengers and all of that, but he _is_ lonely, he's back to being the one on the side. He doesn’t fit in anymore, and he only has himself to blame. Bucky really is of the opinion that Steve didn’t think about that. He only saw the positive, the second chance, he didn’t think about ‘after’.

Coming back to a broken world and its broken people wasn’t on his mind. He made peace with what had happened years, decades ago. 

And maybe to some extent, he did lose Bucky again, when he went back. But he did it on purpose, and maybe, just maybe, Steve didn’t think about it like that. He didn’t think it through. He's always jumped first and thought second, and this time the fall was much longer than he anticipated. 

As he said, you don’t appreciate the value of something or someone until you no longer have it. 

It doesn’t take the anger away, even if Bucky can logically understand it.

It's already late afternoon when he comes to a stop at the lake. It's a lovely day, and some people are still enjoying the last few hours of daylight, splashing in the lake. He can hear some parents and kids talking as they walk by him, talking how warm the water is, how wonderful. A kid asks if they can skip bathing as they did it now… The mom says no. Bucky smiles - he tried that trick, too, his mom said no, too.

He should focus on the positive… Those happy memories… not Steve.

The lake is almost deserted. The water is warm. He just ran miles and is hot and sweaty.

He promised Elethu skinny dipping…

He's focusing on moving on.

Smiling, he takes out his phone.

_B: Hey, how was your day?_

_E: Long, boring and hot… yours?_

_B: Okay, it’s over now… so… want dinner?_

_E: Yes, please, shall I book us a table? Or stay in?_

_B: Picnic at the lake, I’m already here… bring food :)_

_E: Swimwear?_

_B: Nope._

He would understand what that means.

_E: :) :) :)_

Bucky smiles. Of course he does.

By the time Elethu arrives, most people have gone home; the sun is very low, and the moon is just waiting to come out. Bucky knows the lake pretty well, so he knows that a few hundred meters to the left is a small area separated from the rest of the beach, made private by big trees and long grass around it. It's a secluded spot that the fishermen usually use, as not many people swim that way. It's quiet, perfect for two grown men to be alone.

Bucky sends the directions to the spot and waits on a big flat rock, throwing small stones into the water.

“The view is very nice tonight…” Elethu flirts, keeping his eyes on Bucky as he walks closer. 

Bucky's smile is crooked as he flirts back. “Naaah, it’s just a lake. You know, a body of water, with a sunset, orange and purple sky…”

“Wasn’t talking about the lake though,” Elethu deadpans and Bucky chuckles softly before he hooks his hands around Elethu’s waist and pulls him closer to stand between his legs.

“I know what you meant.”

Elethu leans down and kisses him, dropping the blanket and basket with food at their feet so he can wrap his arms around Bucky. They kiss for a long while before pulling away.

“So, dinner and then swimming?” Bucky asks softly, still cuddled in Elethu's arms.

“Then we better eat now.”

Bucky lets go of Elethu and picks up the blanket, spreading it out on the rock while Elethu gets out the food and two solar lanterns. Bucky fills their glasses with wine and hands one to Elethu before taking his plate.

They talk and laugh as they eat, taking their time, excitement for the evening ahead simmering in the background. Both know that tonight may be the night.

Bucky occasionally thinks of Steve, the email and the reason for his run, but always catches himself and then makes a conscious decision to think of something else. He's nervous for what the night may bring... Yet he's also giddy with anticipation, feeling those familiar butterflies in his stomach.

Once they finish, Bucky quickly helps Elethu pack everything away. It's full dark now, but the stars and moon are bright enough to see. 

Bucky leans over and switches the solar lights off.

“You ready?”

Elethu just nods and slowly starts to undress, Bucky following. They share occasional glances, then look at each other purposefully when they remove their underwear, keeping their eyes locked. They're both breathing a little fast, anticipation palpable. Bucky reaches his hand out and Elethu takes it immediately, and together they walk to the water.

“It’s warm.”

“Thank goodness for that,” Bucky laughs and pulls Elethu deeper.

“I agree, but I think it's warmer than the other day.”

“It is getting warmer, you know. It's summer.”

“Yeah, I know, but it's stra-” Bucky cuts Elethu off with a deep kiss. Their bodies are close to one another, but not actually touching yet. When they part, Elethu smiles. “Yeah, shut up about work and enjoy the night, I get it.”

“Please. Come on…” Bucky says as they go in deeper, the water covering their torsos. It _is_ warm, and Bucky also thinks he might skip bathing at home. This really is warm enough.

It was quite difficult to get hot water back in Brooklyn and Steve would always… No. No Steve.

“How far do you think we can go in?” Elethu asks, oblivious to Bucky’s thoughts.

“Uhm, a few meters maybe? I don’t think all the way to the middle, though…”

“Let’s go.” 

Smiling they take a breath before swimming deeper into the lake, the water sloshing and splashing around them as they cut through it. It's quiet except for their laughter.

They swim for a couple of minutes before they slow down and gravitate towards each other. They start kissing, their bodies slowly moving closer and closer before they're flush against each other. Bucky has one arm around Elethu’s neck, the other slowly moving down his back to his ass, his hand cupping a cheek and pulling him closer. Elethu lets out a low groan as he pushed himself tighter against Bucky’s body.

“J-James…” In response, Bucky shifts his hips, aligning them, then kisses down Elethu’s jaw and neck.

“Out… of the water… blanket. Now,” Bucky whispers before he starts to move them to the shore. 

It's a miracle no one falls as they stumble to the blanket, not willing to stop touching even for a second. Elethu pulls Bucky on top of him, not breaking the kiss. Bucky shifts so one of his leg is between Elethu’s.

“James…” Elethu whispers, trying to bring Bucky even closer to him. Bucky responds by trailing kisses down his jaw, his one flesh hand reaching down Elethu’s torso.

“I… Yeah. Did you bring…”

“Yes… Please…” Elethu whispers, reaching into his backpack and pulling out a tube of lube and a condom. “I didn’t want to presume…” he stops and moans as Bucky sucks at a spot under his ear. He can feel Bucky’s smile.

“But preparedness is a virtue…” Bucky whispers back, taking the bottle and condom. “So… do you want me to…”

“Oh, yes...” Elethu answers and moves so the Bucky's between his legs.

Bucky stops kissing him and leans back on his heels, watching Elethu’s face in the low light.

He is ready for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kocuria's note: today's chapter is sponsored by making healthy decisions for the right reasons! (isn't it...)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s an Instagram pop-up, Bucky posted a picture. Steve reads it, feeling the pain in his chest, that familiar contraction. He wishes his heart would just either stop hurting him like this, or just give in already and spare him the pain. Still, it can’t compare to the pain of what Bucky is going through.  
> Bucky is clearly having a bad night, too. He hopes he isn’t alone.

25 Oct 2024

Bucky wakes first, while it's still dark; some bird is making a ruckus nearby and it startles him awake. He's on his side, Elethu behind him, his arm across Bucky's waist, holding him close. They're both still naked.

Bucky reaches out to grab his trousers and takes out his phone.

It's just after four. They should get dressed and get going, before the rest of the town wakes up. They both need to shower before going into work; he can't show up in yesterday's clothes, the kids will notice and then the rumors will increase tenfold. They've already been noticed on their dates – it's really hard to miss Bucky in the street – but there's no need to add fuel to the fire.

Bucky smiles as he shifts from underneath Elethu's arm. Elethu mumbles something and then moves onto his back, legs spread out, arms out wide, completely comfortable and at ease.

Last night was really good. He can’t remember if he ever had sex that was so comfortable, even though they did it in the open. Back at the docs, before the war, it was just fumbling, a few blowjobs and jerking off. That one time in the war was filled with anxiety and fear of being caught and he was shitfaced drunk. Bucharest… just a one night stand, both wanted only one thing, no questions asked.

Cody… well, that’s a story in its own right.

This, this is good.

Another bird screeches close by and Bucky looks to the sky. He needs a shower, a hot one - even in the summer the night is still cool. And they have to go to work in a couple hours. He needs a hair brush, too. Elethu's hands mussed it up completely, there's no doubting what they've been up to.

"Hey... Elethu, wake up..." Bucky whispers, reaching out to shake him awake. Elethu stirs and stretches his limbs lazily. Bucky's eyes follow the movement.

"Good morning." Elethu's voice is still thick with sleep.

"Morning, come on, we need to get moving," Bucky answers, already reaching for his clothes.

Elethu turns to his side, watching. "But this is so nice..."

"Yeah, until people walk past and find us, two naked asses out here in the open..."

"Okay, that may be a bit problematic," conceding, Elethu sits up straight and reaches for his clothes as well. "Hey, I was thinking, since its Friday, want to have dinner tonight?"

Bucky turns to Elethu. "Yeah, sure, my place or yours?"

"Can we do it at yours? My sister is staying at my place tonight, her roommate is having a friend over and she isn't in the mood for them. So she bunks with me, nice to have a big brother you can harass, hey?" Elethu jokes. They both know he actually loves the fact that his sister is so close to him. Bucky knows the feeling.

"Sure. I'll make something nice."

Both dress and Bucky folds the blanket while Elethu takes the picnic basket and they slowly make their way to the palace, hand in hand.

Bucky is able to make it to school on time, freshly showered and clean. Elethu texts him, saying he also made it, no one the wiser, and he's looking forward to the weekend.

Bucky is too... in a way.

He has a feeling that things between them just changed in a way that he didn't bargain for. Somehow, things just got serious. Way too fast. He's afraid of it. He knew sex is important in a relationship, and not something to take lightly; that it could shift a relationship into waters they may not yet be ready for. Or, at least Bucky isn't. He's not ready for an intense relationship, not so soon. It’s not even a full six months since he went back in time and essentially killed himself. 

But it’s just sex, a lot of people do it without getting too serious. Right?

How can he be in a relationship that is not only committed – not that he thinks he has commitment issues, but this is different, this is _important_ – but it may also be long term? Is he ready for someone to move in with him, to be with them constantly? Like _forever_ ever; five, ten years down the line, and what, get married? Is he ready? Could he be? Should he put that much pressure on himself? On someone else? He's still not really able to consider himself the marrying kind. Not yet… Is Elethu?

These thoughts keep him antsy during the day. He pays attention to the kids, he does his job, does it well… but in the back of his mind he's slowly starting to get worried. He enjoyed the sex last night, and he knows any normal person would be on cloud nine with happiness, planning the weekend ahead. All the things they could do… And yet, here he is, a bit of a scared mess about what this means for their relationship. Is this a testament to his mental state? Is he actually ready for this?

He still hasn’t even thought about what to send Steve next, what issue to deal with, and already he has a new one with Elethu. If it is an issue. Is it?

When the bell indicates that school is officially over for the week, Bucky is gladder than the kids... yet also even more hesitant for the weekend to start. He packs his stuff slowly and makes his way out.

Once outside, the kids are somehow even more excited, jumping up and down and pointing to the gate. Frowning, Bucky looks towards the gate and smiles. T’Challa. This is a surprise - he does occasionally walk around the grounds and interact with his people, but he is clearly waiting for something, or someone? He's talking with the kids, showing them a few Black Panther moves. He looks content. He must be so excited for the wedding. He's been waiting years for it, literally.

Bucky owes this man so much. Yes, he once tried to kill Bucky, and he very nearly succeeded - it was only instinct that saved him. But then, Siberia, and this kind man offered him a sanctuary, a place to stay; opened his home, his medical facilities to help clear his mind. He enlisted his sister, arguably the smartest person on the planet, to aid him. Bucky will forever be in this man’s debt. T’Challa can ask Bucky to jump and he would only ask how high. He really would.

It's not compliance, it's respect – it's an honor to serve under this man. He knows the difference.

Bucky makes his way over to them.

“Ahh, White Wolf, how are you?” T’Challa asks once Bucky is close. He stands up straight, his hands by his sides. He's waiting for Bucky?

“T’Challa, I am well, thank you. Keeping busy and out of trouble, as you can see,” Bucky replies, smiling at the last part.

T’Challa smiles back. “I am glad, I hear wonderful things about you, not only about your recovery, but also about your teaching. One mother, Relebogile, is especially happy - she says her son is blooming under your care, and wakes up every morning eager to go to _the white man's class_.”

Bucky bursts out laughing, a blush high on his cheeks. It's things like this that make it all worth it. Plus, he sees the term ‘white boy’ or ‘white man’ as a compliment now. He owns his worth here.

“Yeah, Isoke, he is a handful, but very clever. And by handful, I mean he is one of those that know how smart they are and use it for mischief. Kind of like Sam,” Bucky responds and starts to follow T’Challa, who started to walk back toward the palace. He knows Sam is a good man, smart and caring, but he can be handful. He knows the type all too well.

“You know, the more I hear of you, see you in action, the more I am convinced you are a natural leader. Your heart is with the people, with their concerns, their lives... Your passion is helping, and I am very glad you rediscovered that, that Wakanda is able to provide you with more than a home.”

Bucky is speechless, so he stares at T’Challa’s, hoping the man will see what words can’t say.

T’Challa smiles softly. “I see,” he says and Bucky knows he was understood.

They continue to walk in silence for a while, occasionally waving at passersby. When they're close to the palace, T’Challa takes a breath.

“I require a favour of you.”

“Anything. You know this by know.”

“I do. Still, it is only right to ask.”

“How can I be of assistance?” Bucky asks, noticing the seriousness in T'Challa's voice. 

“After the engagement party and the wedding, Nakia and I will be going on our honeymoon. We will be gone for a week, maybe a bit longer.”

“Okay?” Bucky frowns slightly. He is aware of this, people usually go on a honeymoon directly after a wedding. Bucky wonders what it has to do with him.

“I need you to help Shuri. I am leaving her in charge, Mother will of course help run everything, but all final decisions will be made by Shuri. I want you to help her, guide her a bit, to lighten the yoke, so to say.” 

Bucky stands still, rooted to the spot. Did he just hear right? A whole royal council at his disposal, and he wants _Bucky_ to step up? T’Challa stares at Bucky, a smile on his face.

“Huhhhh… what?!”

“You heard me. You know what I am asking.”

“True, I heard that, but I’m trying to figure out, why?”

“Because I trust you, and for some reason my sister allows you to have a say over her decisions... Not a big one, but she respects you, she values you, and I think out of everyone in this palace, you and Mother have the biggest chance to actually assist her.” 

Bucky smiles. That is true, Shuri has a strong will, her own ideas, and she will definitely need help with the Kingdom.

“I… I don’t know what to say,” he finally manages.

“Just say yes.”

“Yes. Of course. And you are right, I will protect her with everything in me, with every ounce of my strength.”

“Good. I will pass the information to the council. The schools will be on holiday during the festivities, so you can fulfill your role next to Shuri during this time.”

“Of course,” Bucky agrees instantly. “Thank you, Your Majesty, for… Huh, I don’t even know where to start? For everything… believing in me, giving me this chance, trusting me… for-” T’Challa places his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. He quiets down.

“You are welcome, brother.”

With that, Bucky finally gives his eye permission to let down one tear. He nods at T’Challa, who nods back before letting go and walking towards his quarters, leaving Bucky alone. 

He should share this with someone, someone who's always believed and still believes in him. Pulling out his phone, he dials.

“Wands…”

31 Oct 2024

Bucky goes home the moment the school is out. It's Halloween, and even if it's not something celebrated here, in Wakanda, the rest of the world does, and this year it's going to be bigger and better than any other. The world won, every kid is desperate to dress up as the heroes who saved the world, who defeated the Big Bad Grape, as social media started dubbing Thanos. 

Everyone is back. They want to celebrate. 

Bucky doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t want to. He never wants to be part of Halloween again. Steve’s kids did that, JJ dressed up as Bucky, for fuck's sake. That’s what Steve said, “a way to keep him alive.” In fact, that is a perfect email to send to Steve, a perfect issue to deal with.

But maybe not tonight.

Tonight is a bad night, today was a bad day. He just wants to stay in his room, in his bed, and sleep. Or just stare at the ceiling. It didn’t start out bad, but it all went downhill when he got to school and he heard the kids talk about it. One kid wants to dress up as ‘Captain America’ - the new one, the flying one, the black one. Bucky nearly burst out laughing, making a note to tell Sam... but he didn’t. It somehow hit him square in the gut.

He can’t deal with everything tonight. Not people, not work, nothing. He just wants to be alone. Deciding on a quick shower, he doesn’t even bother to put on his pajamas after as he crawls into his bed. All the lights are off. His phone buzzes a few times to notify him about social media activity, but Bucky isn’t in the mood. Switching his phone off, he puts it on the charging pad and turns around.

Laying in the dark, he tries to fall asleep but has no luck. He knows technically tonight can be labeled as a ‘danger night’, but he doesn’t care. He shouldn’t be alone, really, but he doesn’t care about that either. He won’t do anything dangerous or stupid, he came too far for that. His progress is too good, too precious to be forsaken for a bad night with bad memories.

He should try to think of something positive... He should try to move forward, focus on the engagement party, focus on the others meeting Elethu.

Steve will meet him too.

He will need to face Steve… face to face… For the first time after he left to go back in time, and Steve left to go on holiday… Shit… double shit… fuck, fuck… fuckitty fuck… he can’t.

This is making him even more depressed.

Switching his phone on, he goes to his Pinterest app. Shuri introduced him and it's a great tool for teaching, but also to find relevant quotes and poems of the last few decades... Or just people's thoughts.

There’s few that immediately catch his eye.

“Oh, yeah… Like, want that… Save, share… Posted.” Smiling, Bucky looks at the picture.

Shuri and Wanda will know it's a bad night, but they will not hold it against him. 

Tomorrow is a new day. A new month. Tonight, he can be alone in the dark.

Steve’s phone pings with a notification. He's sitting with his family, his kids and grandkids and great-grandkids who just came back from trick or treating; they're dressed up, like always. The kids are counting their sweets, the grown-ups are drinking mulled wine. 

Steve is tired, so tired. He wants to go to bed, he wants to be alone. Tonight is a bad night - he knows that Bucky overheard that conversation and he can’t hear the kids’ jubilant laughter, he only hears Bucky’s anguished cries and heartbroken words.

_“Yeah, he lives a happy life and I get tortured? But it's okay, at least his kids think I'm swell enough to dress up as for Halloween."_

Steve hates himself a little more every day. The more he remembers, the more he realizes what he's done, what it meant, the impact… He didn’t do anything. He just stood on the sidelines.

_“Did you have something against running away?”_

_“You start running, they’ll never let you stop. You stand up, you push back… they can only tell you ‘no’ for so long.”_

He's been running away for so many years, and no one even tried to stop him - they let him run and run and run.

_“It’s okay.”_

_“Why…? Wh-why didn’t you j-just stay down, Mama?”_

_“Because, and you listen close, Steven… You always stand up.”_

His mom was his first hero, teaching him to stand up... Then he met Bucky.

And then he stayed down.

Like a coward.

How did he do it? Why?

Looking around the room, his eye catches JJ sitting to the side, holding a photo. A soft smile plays around his mouth.

“JJ?”

He looks at Steve. “Dad, you okay, do you need anything?”

“Oh no, I’m quite all right. What are you looking at?”

“Oh, just remembering my years trick or treating, the first time you didn’t actually secretly follow us? I was ten, I think, also my last year dressing like Bucky. I just… You know, I never thought I would actually meet him… even if it was under such bad circumstances. I just… I wonder, how it would’ve been if he was there, when we were growing up? I think, personally, me and Sam-Anthony and Sarah would have had an even harder time getting out from under your thumbs. Way too many over protective grown-ups.”

“Yeah, he was over protective. If I was, it is because I learned it from him.”

JJ smiles at that and looks back at the picture. “But I think it would’ve been more awesome than anything else. Especially since we didn’t really have uncles or aunts; I mean, you had no brothers or sisters, mom didn’t, too, and if there were distant relatives, we never met them? What with her being in the States and focusing on her career.”

“And her family,” Steve defends. Everything JJ is saying is correct. Peggy was all that, but she did care about her family.

“Yeah, I know… I didn’t meant she wasn’t there for us. I just meant she was building an empire, not organising family reunions-”

“JJ-”

“Leave it, dad. I was just thinking how nice it would’ve been to have someone like Bucky growing up, someone to ask for advice, to pull pranks with, to run to and ask for help when we first broke a window… Someone who would've taught us how to dance, or drive, or tell good jokes. His social media accounts make me realize we missed out on a great man.” His voice is so wistful, so nostalgic, that Steve feels like screaming. Unable to keep JJ's gaze, he looks down at his phone, trying to see what the notification was about.

It’s an Instagram pop-up, Bucky posted a picture. Steve reads it, feeling the pain in his chest, that familiar contraction. He wishes his heart would just either stop hurting him like this, or just give in already and spare him the pain. Still, it can’t compare to the pain of what Bucky is going through.

Bucky is clearly having a bad night, too. He hopes he isn’t alone.

He looks at the picture again. It’s a poem.

* * *

* * *

_“Tell me,  
_ _If a person falls apart  
_ _Alone in the dark,  
_ _Does it make a sound?  
_ _And if it does make a sound  
_ _Is it as loud and devastating  
_ _As a decaying broken heart  
_ _When it is finally found?  
_ _Or is the sound  
_ _A soft strangulations hidden  
_ _That we miss all the time  
_ _Behind world like “I’m fine?”_

Nikita Gill, _Your heart is the sea_

#nikitagill #awesomepoems #goodquestion #imfineipromise #universallies #weallarefine @mynameisBucky


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky can feel the tension in his shoulders, the slight tremor in his hands. He knows Shuri, Sam and Wanda are looking at them, keeping an eye on him, and he appreciates it, but he really wish they were alone right now. He's prepared for this. He can do this... he should be able to do this.  
> Feeling a slight squeeze on his shoulder - he doesn’t even have to look to know that its Sam, who never moved far after the hug. Now he knows why.  
> Taking a deep breath, he walks over to Steve, who's standing next to T’Challa. Strange is behind them, closing the portal.  
> “Hi, Steve,” he greets, and congratulates himself on his voice sounding fine. It isn’t high or squeaky. It's normal.  
> “Hello, Buck,” Steve says, a soft and kind smile on his face.

* * *

* * *

3 Nov 2024

Shuri: Halloween was very tough on Bucky 😢😩

Wanda: Did you see that poem he posted? Made me want to cry, and I was watching a comedy!

Sam: That was a quite a high risk night... He hasn't had one in a while?

Shuri: No, he actually did very well these past few weeks. The last one that was this bad was in back in September

Wanda: We all know why now, right?

Sam: Yeah... It’s not hard to figure out... Plus it's less than a week that he will see Steve again...

Wanda: Did you see JJ posted that picture on his Twitter? I am just so glad he didn't tag Bucky, so awkward

Shuri: Yeah, seeing your best friend's kid dressed up like you more than 50 years ago would have been a bit too much. The memories alone... and the way he found out...

Sam: That was bad, I don't think he dealt with it yet. He did deal with a shitload of other stuff from our conversations. I'm just glad he's finally talking to Steve, especially about their unresolved issues. They should have done that years ago

Shuri: Oh yes. That was a good decision. Does Steve know about Elethu and how close they are?

Wanda: Yeah, but I can see it bothers him. Not because he is a man, but because... Oh, I don't know.... He gets this look, and then he takes a deep breath as if it's a struggle...

Sam: Unresolved... It will probably never be resolved now, with him old. But Bucky deserves to be happy and Elethu makes him happy....

Shuri: ?

Wanda: 🤦

Shuri: About grandpa - is he going to tell Bucky about his condition?

Sam: 🤷 let's hope so

Wanda: 🤷 agreed. Are you still planning on doing tests on him?

Shuri: Yes... Broken heart syndrome.... First time seeing it in action, I will try some of our newer treatments

Wanda: Cool 😎

Sam: 👍

* * *

05 Nov 2024

Bucky is sitting in front of his laptop - he and Wanda have decided to Skype instead of their usual phone call, she insisted she wants to show him her outfits for the party.

In truth, it's Wanda's way to get a look at him, to see for herself how he is coping. _Not that he needs to know that_ , she thinks wryly.

They've been talking for a while, making plans, what kind of weather to expect, when Bucky turns quiet.

“What is it?” Wanda asks finally.

“Hmmm?”

“Bucky, something is on your mind, what is it? I may not be there physically, but I can still see when there is something bothering you.”

Sighing, Bucky leans a bit toward the computer. “You know that Elethu and I are close, right? And we have, you know… established our relationship…”

“You mean you’ve had sex.” Wanda smiles mischievously.

“Yeah… that,” Bucky replies, blushing.

“Wait… you didn’t want to?”

“Nonononono! I did… I really did… Huh, it’s… I can’t… Maybe I’m just scared or something…”

“What’s up, Bucky?”

“Isn’t this moving too fast?” he blurts.

“Fast like, how… is he talking about moving in, or?…”

“No. Although he pretty much stays the weekends anyhow, I just… Not even a year ago I was Snapped, dust in the wind, then I came back… It’s… a lot has happened, you know. And I don’t want to mess this up. It is very different than what it was with Cody, but still, I can’t let go of that small voice in the back of my mind, _am I ready for this?_ Where do I see myself in three months? What happens when I go back to the Compound? What if he-”

“Bucky, stop,” Wanda says firmly.

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. Listen, this is normal, you are not overthinking it or being weird about it. It's a normal response. The only thing I can tell you is that you have come a long way, you are doing so well. I also bet that Elethu knows how far you’ve come. Do the two of you talk a lot? Have you talked about your relationship before going the next step? My advice: talk to him, tell him about your concerns and fears, and he might just surprise you.”

“Yeah, communication...” Bucky runs his hand through his hair, heaving a sigh.

“That’s right, in the end, just talk to each other.”

“We do talk, a lot… We made a promise, talk even when we don’t want to.”

“That’s good. Relax, it will all work out. And enjoy this, you deserve to be happy, to be with someone who makes you happy.”

“I am happy when I'm with him,” he says tentatively.

“Then that is all you need.”

“Thank you… I actually do feel better.” He laughs wetly.

“Good, now, let’s get back to business.”

“Right… your wardrobe.”

"Okay, so these pants with this top to arrive, what do you think?" Wanda asks, twirling around the room so Bucky can see the outfit.

"I really like it, the color is a good idea, and I didn't know you like teal?" Bucky asks curiously.

"I saw the top, and liked the cut, they didn't have one in red... So I thought why not, try something new, right?”

"Absolutely. It looks great on you, it brings out your eyes, plus it makes your skin look paler and smoother... Not that it was rough or scaly, I mean-" Bucky quickly corrects himself.

"I know what you mean, don't worry." Wanda laughs at his expression. "The color fits my skin tone."

"Yeah... That.”

"Okay, and then for the party, you said there would be dancing, right? So I bought this dress... It's soft, the material is flowing, and it doesn't have any unnecessary frills. Wait, let me show you... It's still in its bag, so I can't put it on, but wait... There. Don't go anywhere." Wanda instructs as she runs back to her bedroom.

“I won't-" Bucky tries, but she's already left the room. Shaking his head, he smiles - it feels like being a big brother all over again. He loves it. He thinks he was meant for this. And for some reason, all his siblings are women. He and Pietro got close, too, but it's a different level, it's more like being a mentor than brother... Or maybe it is the same, he's never had a brother before, so he doesn't have anything to compare it with.

While he's still waiting for Wanda, Bucky's door opens.

"James?"

Elethu. Bucky almost forgot that he and Elethu have plans today - Elethu wants to take new samples of the rocks, soil, whatever, near the volcano, and then Bucky needs to see Shuri later in the day.

"In here," he answers distractedly.

"Hey," James greets and sits down next to Bucky, pulling him in for kiss which somehow turns a little more serious.

"Hmmmm, I leave for one second!" Wanda's voice startles them back. They jump apart, Bucky's whole face red. Smiling sheepishly, he turns back to the screen.

"Oh... Well..."

"Well, I absolutely understand, now..." turning to Elethu, she goes on, "... you must be Elethu, I've heard so much about you," she adds with a wink.

"Hey, Wanda, it's nice to finally meet you."

"Yeah, I would have been happy with a handshake or hug, but the blackmail material from the get go? Loving it, really..."

"Wands..." Bucky tries - both men feel beyond embarrassed.

"Oh, save it. Now, my dress. What do you think?"

Bucky and Elethu give each other a look and then simultaneously begin.

"Ooh, amazing!"

"Yeah, marvelous, perfect..."

Wanda rolls her eyes and twirls the dress around.

"In all seriousness, you guys sure? I don't want to look like something the cat dragged in."

"Wands, you will look beautiful. And I love this dress. In fact you better start watching YouTube videos because I will definitely spin you around the dance floor, old style... And that dress is perfect for that," Bucky says, leaning closer to the screen.

"You think? Will you really?" Wanda asks, a bit shy.

Bucky leans even closer and drops his voice, his eyes boring into her. "Yes. Remember that day, months ago, when you said you want to live again, and I did too? That we want to dance? I will make good on that promise. You and me, a date on the dance floor, got it?"

Wanda's eyes fill with unshed tears and she gives him a nod. "I remember."

They both do, how could they not - it was the day they started bonding, him shaking with withdrawal and her opening up about her life. That ultimately led to Bucky saving her brother. It was their special moment, it will always be.

"Good."

Sitting back against the couch, Bucky smiles. "And bring swimwear, and hiking boots... We're going on an adventure. Just as Bilbo said."

Wanda crouches down and lifts up a pair of boots. "Already packed!"

“That's awesome. So I will be seeing you all in three days, you guys are coming in the morning, right?” Bucky asks and Wanda can see the slight worry that settles in his eyes. He is strong, but this is affecting him. All of them. Steve himself is quieter too, unsure of how the meeting will go. 

“Yes, the ceremony is only the next day, so we will have some time to settle in, look and walk around. It starts early Friday morning, right?”

“Yup, a whole day. The festivities will last a week, but the engagement party is on Friday, the wedding ceremony early on Saturday, then the newlyweds will go on their honeymoon, and the rest of us will party on.” He grins.

“I can’t wait. I bought a new camera, I've been experimenting… You do realize that you and Pietro and Sam, and Elethu if he wants to, are going to be my number one models? Elethu, you in?”

“As long as I’m next to James,” Elethu answers, holding Bucky’s hands. Bucky looks down, smiling with a slight blush on his cheeks. 

“Aaawww, that is so sweet. But I must warn you, I learned from Shuri so flattery is not going to get you anywhere. Maybe with Bucky, but not us, oh no, young man… We women are tougher than that.”

“I’ll try my best to win you over, then,” Elethu replies with a smile that Wanda mirrors. She likes him, Bucky can tell.

“Good, keep me well fed and you’re halfway there,” Wanda adds with a wink.

“That’s true. Listen, we've got to go, have a few appointments for the day. I can’t wait to see you, all of you,” Bucky says reluctantly and lets go of Elethu so he can switch the link off.

“You too. I want the first hug, got it?”

“Always. Take care and say hi to everyone, okay?”

“Will do. Bye, Bucky; bye, Elethu, it was nice meeting you.”

“Goodbye, Wanda, see you soon.”

With a last smile, Bucky shuts the call off.

“She is very protective of you,” Elethu states as he stands up so they can go.

“How do you know? You’ve met her once, through a screen,” Bucky asks, following him out.

“I can see it in her eyes, she will protect you at great cost. You are her brother, her family, she's lost too much already to not protect the ones she has left. She's honored to be your little sister.” 

“I think the honor is mine,” Bucky says softly. 

Elethu stops in front of him, putting his hands on Bucky’s cheeks. “And that is why you are a good man, with a gold heart.”

Bucky just pulls him closer into a kiss, instead of replying.

Friday morning Bucky wakes up with a lot of tension in his body. He's hardly slept. Getting up early, he decides on going for a quick and very fast run to burn off excess energy. After the shower, he does a couple hundred push-ups and then finally makes his way to Shuri’s lab where they will be arriving. 

Strange said that he will open the portal at 11 in the morning so that they can settle in, freshen up... This means that they will leave New York around 5, to make up for the time difference - it’s early for them, but they are all more than happy to oblige.

Bucky makes it with ten minutes to spare, watching the others slowly gathering close. He drifts off to one side and a machine catches his eye. Frowning, he stares at it, and unsettling feeling settles in his stomach. The machine somehow looks familiar. But it can’t be... he doesn’t have anything to compare it to, does he? 

“Bucky, are you okay?”

Bucky turns to Shuri, who is standing next to him, her eyes filled with worry. He gives her a reassuring smile. “Yes. I’m excited, very excited, but also nervous. We have talked a couple times over the phone and via Skype, and then the emails, so I am prepared for this, I'm just… not prepared, at the same time, if that makes sense?”

“Of course it does. We are all very proud of you, you know that, right?” She touches his shoulder reassuringly.

“Yeah, I know. Hey, what is that machine over there…?” Shuri quickly glances to the side, where the machine stands. Bucky catches the sudden tension in her shoulders and eyes. “Shuri…”

“It’s a prototype, only in its early phase. It will hopefully be able to cure cancer, HIV, a bunch of other diseases... It works on cell regeneration, almost like the serum, but with lots of algorithms and nanites.”

“That’s great! Why would you be nervous about it, though?” Bucky asks, but before Shuri could answer, a great golden circle starts to appear in the middle of the room. Bucky recognizes it immediately - after all, he's had quite an intimate encounter with one. 

“We’ll talk later,” Shuri promises before taking her place next to T'Challa. Bucky sighs and waits to the side. Waiting for them, for Wanda, and Pietro and Sam… For Steve…

He can’t even run his fingers through his hair, it's styled back with some kind of gel or wax, something Shuri gave him to try that works better than the pomade he knows. His clothes are neat and elegant, but simple. His nails short so he can’t start to bite them…

Sam and Pietro are the first through the portal, both smiling widely and looking around. They greet T’Challa and Nakia, then Shuri. Wanda comes next, her eyes immediately searching for Bucky. The instant she sees him, she ignores the protocol and rushes to him.

“Bucky!” she cries out and Bucky has no choice but to open his arms as she throws herself at him. Bucky can feel the tension drain out of his body as he spins her around, before burying his face in her neck. He's missed her so much.

“Wands,” he whispers.

“I missed you, so much,” she whispers back, before squeezing again and then letting go. 

“How are you?”

“I’m good. Really good… Oh, I should greet the others…” She quickly extricates herself. Sam and Pietro take the opportunity to walk over to him.

Sam gives him a tight hug. “It’s good to see you, Barnes,” he says, looking him up and down.

“You too, Sam. I actually missed your ugly mug.”

“Oh, my… Excuse you, this is a beautiful complexion, and what about you? Did you shave, is that hair wax…?” Sam asks in mock surprise, but Bucky can see he's glad to see him. They respect each other, joking is their way to stay close. He knows he can always rely on Sam's help when he needs it. He pretends to push Sam away.

“Pietro. Tell this man he wishes he had my hair wax…” 

Pietro laughs and hugs Bucky too. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too, Pietro. You look good, how’s the training going?”

“Very well. I’m still the fastest…” Pietro jokes, earning himself a glare from Sam and a laugh from Bucky. Bucky wants to reply, but then he can feel someone staring at him. He looks back to the ring and unerringly finds pale blue eyes.

Steve.

Bucky can feel the tension in his shoulders, the slight tremor in his hands. He knows Shuri, Sam and Wanda are looking at them, keeping an eye on him, and he appreciates it, but he really wish they were alone right now. He's prepared for this. He can do this... he _should_ be able to do this.

Feeling a slight squeeze on his shoulder - he doesn’t even have to look to know that its Sam, who never moved far after the hug. Now he knows why.

Taking a deep breath, he walks over to Steve, who's standing next to T’Challa. Strange is behind them, closing the portal.

“Hi, Steve,” he greets, and congratulates himself on his voice sounding fine. It isn’t high or squeaky. It's normal.

“Hello, Buck,” Steve says, a soft and kind smile on his face.

Bucky returns it and then holds out his hand to shake Steve’s. He can’t hug him, he can’t, please it too much at once…

Steve reaches out his hand and grasps Bucky’s. 

Oh… His hands are cool to the touch, not warm like after the serum, but not cold like they were back in their rundown flat, either. They aren’t as big as after the serum, but not as small and fragile as before it. Somewhere in between. They're… cool. Strange, yet familiar. He knows them, but he doesn’t. Not really. He hasn’t really touched Steve at all since the hug back at that platform. They haven’t shared a hug when Steve appeared on that bench, they haven’t clapped each other on the shoulder, they haven’t…No physical touch in months… years, for Steve. Years in five second, months afterwards… a lifetime.

Bucky keeps his face neutral, willing himself to not cry or break down. He looks down and his eye catches Steve's left hand. The ring is gone. Where is his wedding ring? Shaking his head, he decides he doesn’t care. Not in the slightest.

He focuses back on Steve’s face.

“It’s good to see you.” Here his voice does have a slight tremor.

“You too. Really, really good. I missed you,” Steve replies, his voice trembling too, his eyes shiny with welled up tears. Bucky cant look at him any longer, if he does, he will cry… He won’t cry, not in front of everyone, not like this, not now.

“Yeah… So, uh… Happy travels, right? Your baggage… You have to show me the whole transformation, I just remember a man saying 'if I tear myself in half', or something like that,” he tries to joke, letting go of Steve’s hand.

“Oh, and you owe me a set!” Shuri adds, practically jumping in front of Bucky. 

“I brought you two sets, Princess Shuri,” Steve replies, finally tearing his eyes from Bucky.

Wanda walks closer to stand next to Bucky, grabbing his hand and leaning against him. “So, where’s Elethu?”

Steve eyes turn back to Bucky, who ignores him to look at Wanda. “He's in his lab, apparently very excited about some rock, or measurements... Readings from the Earth’s core? It was all very interesting when he told me, and I paid attention, but…”

“You didn’t pay attention,” Wanda finishes for him. 

Bucky chuckles softly. “You got me. He will join us later today, I will let him know where we are.”

“Cool, so what’s the plan?” Pietro asks.

T’Challa steps closer so he can address all of them. “Bucky offered to show you all to your rooms, many of you already know where they are. Then we can have lunch at 1, and then the rest of the day you are all free to do whatever you like.”

A chorus of ‘yeah’ and ‘awesome’ is heard. Wanda pulls on Bucky’s hand.

“Come on, show us our rooms.”

Bucky nods and then proceeds to lead them towards the living quarters. The rest follows.

Steve stares at Bucky’s back, his hands still trembling. His heart aching.

He needs his meds.

Shuri quickly walks over to him. “Remember our appointment, okay?” 

Steve looks at her and nods, before walking out, following the rest.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I never admitted it then. I can’t do it now.” Steve doesn't meet her eyes.  
> This is tragic. Shuri feels the desire to scream. Or to cry. Possibly both. If Steve only dealt with his PTSD, if only he talked, so much pain could have been prevented.  
> “Why not?”  
> “Because my pain is justified, while my love isn’t. Love don’t do what I did.”

08 Nov 2024

Bucky is aware that Steve is following behind them and makes sure he is walking slow enough for him to keep up. He knows they need to talk more, but not in front of everyone, and not so soon. The real, meaningful conversations they've had were always through emails, but Bucky knows sooner or later they need to sit down and actually talk.

Although they're all very excited, there's some silent agreement to save the stories and fun till after lunch. Or, breakfast, for those who got up early. Bucky shows Pietro and Wanda their room first - they're the same one they used previously, located just across the hall from him. Sam and Steve are next - they're on his right and left, respectively.

Wanda and Pietro both go in, with the promise to meet them all at the dining room.

"Where's your room?" Sam asks as he opens his door.

“Right here, the one you passed. Don’t worry, I'm close enough to hold your hand at night if you get scared."

Sam snorts. "I want to know which door to knock down if the snoring gets too loud."

"Oh please, as if. Maybe if you need grooming tips? Because I don't know what that growth on your face is... An experiment? A fungus?"

"Oh, says the one with the Santa Claus beard until recently... Still, a goatee... Are you trying to grow a beard, or actually doing it?"

"Oh, no, you didn't..."

Steve watches the two interact with a mixture of fondness and grief. He once had that and he took it for granted. Sam and Bucky were already like this back when they needed to hide from the world here, in Wakanda. They respect one another, and this is their way to strengthen that. Steve knows that they've had deep conversations since Bucky came here, Sam still plays a vital role in his health and recovery. He is a strong constant in Bucky's life - and he's not the only one. Bucky will always have Wanda's loyalty for saving her brother, for making a change that enriched someone else's life even when he himself was falling apart.

Steve is so deep in thought he doesn't realize it's quiet. Looking back up, he notices Sam is gone and Bucky is waiting for him.

"I'm sorry, I didn’t realize-" Steve starts, then stops. He didn't realize _what_? That Sam went into his room?

Bucky gives him a quick smile before standing up straighter. "It's okay, Sam says you've been doing that more and more lately. Thinking about your family?" Bucky tries to break the ice, making small talk.

"You, actually. How the two of you would bicker back when you were here, when we hid here."

Bucky didn't expect that. He furrows his brows. "Oh, right, well. Your room is here."

He knows the door after that is Bucky's. He is right next to him. So close, yet so far. "Thanks, Buck."

"Sure, well, you can freshen up, I'm just going to be in my room. I'll see you in about twenty minutes?"

"Yeah, sure... Thanks."

"Sure, you're welcome. Oh, your luggage?" Bucky starts. He remembers something about the need to re-size the luggage, yet they all went into their own rooms without a worry.

Steve notices his confusion. "We each have our own set of tech to size it up."

"Cool," Bucky says carefully.

"Want to see?" Steve asks, hoping to see some interest in his eyes.

"Uhm... Yeah, sure."

Bucky follows Steve into the room; Steve walks over to the kitchen table and reaches into his pocket. Taking out a small metal tin, he opens it up and Bucky can see three suitcases, neatly packed and super small. Steve places them on the table and takes out something that looks like small disk.

"Check this out," Steve says with a smile and then tosses the disk on the suitcases - that immediately grew into normal size.

"Woah, that's awesome. No wonder Shuri wants a set." Bucky actually smiles.

"Yeah, it is pretty cool."

"Well... I should leave you to unpack."

"You can stay?" Steve offers, but Bucky shakes his head.

"Nah, still got a few things to do. Today is going to be busy, and I need to pack some towels, someone always forgets to bring one. Or one ends up in the lake. Plus sunblock, because I know Wanda won’t remember, and the African sun is bad... and then there’s the snacks.” Bucky stops. He's getting more and more worked up, running his mouth. He clears his throat. “Uh… Can I meet you at the dining hall, or do you want me to walk with you?”

“Walk with me? Please?” Steve asks with sincerity.

Bucky nods. “Yeah, okay. I’ll- I'll meet you in about thirty minutes?”

“I’ll be here. Thank you, again.”

“Sure. No problem.”

With a last smile Bucky quickly leaves the room, making it back to his own. He closes the door and leans against it, taking deep breaths. His hands are shaking, and his eyes are burning. It's progress, compared to several months ago, but it still hurts. His best friend, the man who-

A soft knock interrupts his thoughts.

A whisper comes through the door. “I know you can hear me, with your super hearing, let me in.”

Sam.

Bucky reaches blindly and opens the door, moving only enough for Sam to come in. He leans back against the door, his eyes on Sam.

Sam is staring at Bucky, his face open and full of concern. “How are you holding up?” Bucky shrugs his shoulders. “Want a hug?” A nod.

Sam slowly opens his arms and lets Bucky come to him at his own pace. Bucky just leans forward, his hands still at his sides, only his head resting on Sam’s shoulder. Sam closes his arms and holds him, not saying anything. He doesn’t have to, sometimes companionable silence is enough.

They stand like this for a couple minutes, then Bucky sighs and straightens up, smiling at Sam. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, do you have coffee in this place? 'Cause I got up early to see you, Rapunzel.”

“Hey, it’s short now!”

“Oh, shows how much you know. Rapunzel ends with a pixie cut at the end of the film! Catch up man, it’s called catching up…”

Bucky flicks him the bird as he goes to the small kitchenette and starts making coffee. Sam looks around the place - noticing that there are two plates and two mugs in the sink. The couch has two coasters, one on each side.

“Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but did your boy move in?”

Bucky frowns and turns around. “No, why- Oh, he stays over the weekends. We don’t see each other much during the week, so we try to... ‘catch up’ is the term, right? Whenever we can,” Bucky answers smugly.

Sam shakes his head. “Nice. Should've seen that coming.”

Bucky hands him one cup, takes out a pack of biscuits and sits down at the kitchen table. Sam joins him, opening the packet as he goes.

“Out of curiosity, why would I take it the wrong way?”

“Just thought… It might be a bit quick, you know?”

“Oh…” Bucky breathes, looking down and playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Barnes, is everything okay between the two of you?” Sam asks worriedly.

“Yeah, it’s going very well. In fact, I was actually talking to Wanda the other day - that sometimes I wonder if we’re not going too fast.”

“In what way?”

“I’m sure it’s just me, but ever since... We took it real slow, I mean, became friends first, then the date, it was a while before we went further, you know- and-” Bucky tries, but finds it hard, not really used to how much more open everyone is nowadays. Even if he is more than grown up, and Sam is… Well, Sam.

“Had sex,” Sam finishes bluntly.

“Yeah. But since then, it feels like it all went up a notch, as if we didn’t have to take it slow anymore. As if everything is a done deal now. We still talk a lot, both of us are very keen on good communication, and we still do everything together, but now, it's... Solid, signed on the dotted line already.”

“Have you told him this?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I don’t know if it is just my mind that’s scrambled up, but I actually want to take my time with this. Somehow, the world has this thing - because of what's happened, they can’t do things fast enough. As if they are afraid they will disappear again. There’s a couple in the village, they got married after a month, we asked why… ’Timing seemed right.’”

“Yeah. Time, man.” Sam sighs. “I’m so tired of all this mindfucking time crap. It’s as if everyone is still on some kind of edge. Like you say, the world is fine, it’s been _months,_ yet we all still have that mental image, that trigger in the back of our heads, that we'll blink and suddenly it'll all be gone.'”

“Exactly, everyone seems to want to do everything right away, and I’m the complete opposite. I can wait, I _want to_ wait,” Bucky finishes his thought.

“That’s good. Security over instability, right?”

Bucky nods and finally eats the biscuit he's been holding, Sam follows with his fifth. It's silent for a while and Sam can see there is still something on Bucky’s mind.

“Are you saving yourself for lunch, or is there something else?”

Bucky snorts, then frowns. “Do _you_ think we are moving too fast?”

“I haven’t met him yet, but to be honest? If you think you are, even if you think it's all in your head, you still need to tell him. It's clearly bothering you, and whether it's true or not, it needs to come out. You need the clarity.”

“I hate it when you are so wise,” Bucky replies, smiling and trying to make light of it. They both know Bucky needed to hear this. He's thought of it too, but hearing it from someone else makes it sounder.

“Nah, you love it. This is good coffee?”

“If you got it, you got it,” Bucky answers smugly.

“In that case, I might bang on your door every morning for my cuppa. Thank you, now I need to go unpack though. We’re all meeting at the lake after lunch, right?”

“Yes, today is spent relaxing before all the fun tomorrow.”

“See you in a bit,” Sam says, getting up and leaving Bucky with his thoughts.

He still has about ten minutes before he's supposed to get Steve and walk him to the mess hall. Closing his eyes, he leans forward and focuses on breathing calmly before he needs to go.

Steve watches them as they make their way to the lake after lunch, all happy and excited. They joke around and threaten to dunk each other in the water, boast about who can hold their breath the longest, and make bets on who can swim the fastest (those seem to be split evenly between Bucky and Pietro).

Bucky was expecting him to come along and looked suspicious when he said he had something else to do first. The fact that no one else tried to change his mind didn’t help. Bucky most likely knows something is up - if not, Steve will tell him, in the coming days. Right now, he has an appointment with Shuri. She's been dying to see him ever since she learned about his condition, eager to get him in her lab. Now's the perfect chance.

He isn’t sure how she can help him. His heart is healing, it's just taking much longer than normal - even baseline-human normal. His left ventricle isn't responding to the meds the way it should - or it may be that the constant pain, the constant ache he feels is actually something else? He just isn’t sure.

“You ready?” Steve turns to Shuri, who is looking at him with unexpected compassion.

“Yes, thank you. Although I don’t know how much you will be able to do. The meds are fine, it’s-”

“-You who isn’t,” Shuri interrupts.

Steve snorts. “Sounds about right.”

“Come on.” Silently, Steve follows her back to her lab. “Okay, lay down on the bed.”

Steve has spent so many days in this lab he knows every machine, every inch of it. The cryo tank that is on the other side of this room... The tank Bucky went in - willingly. Steve would stay and tell him stories, or read to him, or just… stare. He tried to convince Bucky not to go back in, but he was adamant, the idea of causing other people more pain too much to bear. Sam is right - Bucky is a protector, not a fighter; he only ever fought to keep his loved ones safe, to protect. Steve was the first and biggest reason Bucky fought at all - because Steve couldn’t back down from a fight, couldn’t just walk away.

Then he did, and that caused more damage than he could ever have imagined. 

He looks at Shuri, who is busy with her computers, and he can see his body on the screen. Several areas are red, his stats showing at the top. His heart is the biggest problem area, even he can understand the flashing red. Shuri presses buttons and checks stuff, tsking, but occasionally glances at him.

“He is doing well, you don’t have to worry so much,” Shuri’s voice is soft.

“I know.”

“Then why are you so broken up about him?”

“I’m not broken up-”

Shuri only raises her eyebrow at him. His blood pressure is increasing, and his pulse is elevating.

“Broken heart syndrome?” she says quietly.

“You and Sam are the same,” Steve concedes. They've had this talk before - maybe they have a point and he is just too much of a coward to get it. Or admit it.

“We’re not wrong. The things you survived, the things you went through, then Bucky leaves and that's the final straw?”

“Did you _see_ what he did? He went back- He killed a version of himself! He told a Bucky out there that I lived- I _lived_! A whole life without him, and that’s okay, he can go? And just like that, Bucky _gave up_? He died. Out there, there is a world where he is _dead_. Where he never lived again, breathed again, he didn’t get to experience a world that's changed so much. A world where he could have been free to love whoever he wants to, enjoy sunsets and... and swim in fucking _lakes_. Have friends who accept him. He never met the Shuri of that world, did you think about that? He never saw- There is a Steve who never _saw him_ again. Who goes to a museum, and the things it says are actually true. Who is alone-”

“Steve-” Shuri tries. The machine is beeping loudly now, so Shuri turns the volume down before turning back to him and touching his shoulder gently.

“I know. It’s my fault. How much, how deeply did I hurt him, that the only thing it takes for him to die is to hear how well I lived _without_ him?”

“I saw the video. I was there in the hospital when he woke up. I saw the pain.”

“Then you shouldn’t even _talk_ to me, let alone _help_ me,” Steve says vehemently.

Tilting her head, she stares at him. “You think you deserve this?”

“I don’t deserve _him,_ ” Steve reiterates, his eyes full of tears. He looks up at Shuri. “It wasn’t all sunshine and roses, you know. I struggled, for a long time, and the only thing that let me get through it was the fact I would _see him_ again. At the end of it, he would _be_ there.”

“Steve, he deserves the in-between too. Or, he did. Remember what he said - he got you sick and small, and then old and frail, _she_ got the middle part, the strong you, the _healthy_ you who could enjoy life with her. He deserved that too, don’t you think? After everything he did for you, he may have also deserved some of that middle?”

“I never meant- I didn’t mean-” Steve tries to go on, stopping when his breath becomes shallow, his chest aching. Shuri watches him for a while, her anger and disappointment fading. He is broken, and so, so lost. She _knew_ he was, she saw it back when he would stand in this room, his eyes on the cryo tank. Bucky made him alive, Bucky made him _strong._ Bucky was his dark side, but he was the light too. And somewhere, in those missing five years, it all went horribly wrong. Maybe Steve broke - after all, he's just a man too.

“You love him too, don’t you?” Shuri softly comments and Steve looks away, a tear falling down his cheek. Finishing the scans, the algorithms, whatever it is she does, she switches the machine off and folds her arms expectantly, staring him down.

“I never admitted it then. I can’t do it now.” Steve doesn't meet her eyes.

This is tragic. Shuri feels the desire to scream. Or to cry. Possibly both. If Steve only dealt with his PTSD, if only he _talked_ , so much pain could have been prevented.

“Why not?”

“Because my pain is justified, while my love isn’t. Love don’t do what I did.”

“You should tell him.”

“No. Never. I cannot, not after all this time. A lifetime with another woman and a family he never met? To come clean now, with a literally broken heart, and ask for anything in return? I don’t have long, I know it, your machines know it. The best I can hope and pray for is a chance for forgiveness. A chance of him looking at me and not seeing betrayal. To be in a room with him, and not feel awkward. I would settle for that. He is better off without me, I only ruin him. Always have - he never wanted to fight, _I_ did. And I got it. I got it all.”

“That’s not true.”

Steve shrugs and looks away, leaving Shuri to do her thing. The machine spews out results and Shuri nods, making notes. Once she's done, Steve stands up.

“They all knew. I was too stupid to see it, but his family, the Commandos... I think even Peggy suspected, but never knew for sure. I went to see his family, it didn’t go over well. My guilt started that day, and it hasn’t stopped following me wherever I go.”

“Steve-”

“He can never know. I will tell him about my condition, but not the rest. I’m done hurting him.”

Shuri looks at him sadly. “I won’t say anything.”

Steve gives her a tight smile and straightens his back. “I gotta go, said I will meet them at the lake. Maybe some sun will actually do me good.”

“It will. And I _can_ help you. We will start the day after the wedding. Three days, two treatments a day, 6 sessions - so somewhere in there you need to tell him, because he is here often.”

“Thank you. I will, the first chance I get.”

“Okay, now go, get a tan,” Shuri jokes, but it falls flat. They're both hurt and not in the mood. Steve still accepts the jest and walks out.

He makes it to the palace front door before he stops to rest a little. The steps down will require a few deep breaths.

“Are you okay, sir?” Steve is momentarily startled by the voice, then turns to it.

“Oh, yes, thank you, I just need to take a breath before taking on those steps.”

The man is young, his head shaved, beautifully scuplted facial hair, high cheeks and deep dark eyes full of compassion. It puts Steve at ease instantly.

He's carrying a backpack and a bag filled with food; casually dressed, a man comfortable in his skin. He holds out his free hand. “You can lean on me, if you’d like? We are both going down. I’m going to the lake, not sure where you're headed?”

“The lake, my friends are already waiting for me. Probably swimming, and I heard something about drowning each other, but I’m not that worried. They are quite capable.”

The man laughs out loud. “Me too, I’m meeting my partner, he is probably enjoying the sun as well, he loves the outside.”

“Well, don’t let us keep them waiting,” Steve replies and takes the offered arm.

* * *

* * *

The water is definitely hotter than a few months back. Even more than a couple weeks ago, when Bucky and Elethu... swam... in it.

Bucky looks around. No one minds it, they're all too busy enjoying the warmth. Playing in the sand and water, or relaxing in the shade, a few are catching up on their reading, some trying to work on their tan. Wanda is laying on a blanket, wearing a glittering red bikini, hair tied up in a bun, her eyes closed and a smile on her face. Sam and Pietro are racing each other from one side of the beach to the other, with two trees acting as the starting and ending point.

No one said anything that he's in his swimwear, without much worry about his shoulder or arm. The scars are faded, soft white lines, even though they are made more prominent when the rest of his skin is browned in the sun. He doesn’t care. The arm is beautiful, gleaming in the sun. He laughs, splashes Sam, tries to dunk Pietro, and above all: he is having fun.

The only thing on his mind is Steve. He didn’t accept the offer to go with them to the lake, said he had something to do first and would meet them in a while. The most suspicious part was that no one said anything. They shared a glance, said okay, and dragged Bucky with them to the lake. Something is going on, and he has no idea what. He has to try to find Steve alone and ask him.

On their way to the lake, Elethu sent him a text, saying he will be there in an hour or so, and can’t wait to meet his friends. That caused everyone to go ‘awww’ and then start the jokes, doing their best to get Bucky to blush. Of course, it worked.

As they play, Bucky keeps looking towards the path to the palace, hoping to see Elethu coming so he can go and meet him - prepare him, or apologise in advance, whichever comes first. In the meantime he decides to dry off and keep Wanda company, ask her if she remembered her sunblock. Walking out of the lake, he looks up and freezes.

“Oh fuck,” he whispers.

Sam, the closest to him, hears. “What’s up?”

Bucky keeps looking towards the path, and Sam follows his gaze. Steve is on his way, talking to a young man. The man is handsome, smiling widely, carrying a backpack and a plastic bag with that looks like food.

“Who's Steve talking- Oh, is that your man?” Sam asks, looking back at Bucky. Bucky nods. “Oh, fuck,” Sam says empathetically.

Steve is still smiling about something the man has said, when they both stop. Bucky is standing next to the lake - he clearly just got out, still dripping wet, his swimwear low on his hips. What really gets to Steve though, is how relaxed and comfortable he looks. His body is sculpted, the training clearly having left its mark - but it's his shoulder that's the surprise. Bucky isn't afraid to show his scars. They are light, but his skin is tanned a soft golden brown, making them stand out more. Yet, somehow, it makes him look even better, it makes him more... soft. Even his eyes were light and sparkling, until he noticed him. Now he stands still, Sam next to him. Sam's mouth moves, but Steve can't make out the words, his hearing having grown worse with age.

Taking a step closer, he notices that Bucky isn't looking at him, anymore, but at the man next to him. Steve turns to the man, who's staring at Bucky like he's the most beautiful person in the world. He might be, Steve would agree, but why... Oh.

The man lets go of Steve's arm and fairly skips closer. "James!"

James?

"Elethu," Bucky greets back; the tension leaves his shoulders and a soft smile appears on his face. Steve is still close enough to them that he hears and sees them clearly, the way they look at each other, their voices pitched low and intimate.

Bucky is about to say something more, when Elethu pulls him close and kisses him. Not just a quick peck, too, a full-on kiss, open lips and a bit of tongue. Bucky's tense for a moment, but quickly melts into it.

And Steve has a front row seat.

He can see the smile on Bucky's face as Elethu holds him close for the brief moment after the kiss, he can see Bucky's hands resting comfortably on Elethu's hips, speaking of familiarity.

He can hear Sam and the other's whistling and cheering, but the only thing Steve sees is a _happy_ Bucky.

Bucky who looks radiant, like he's finally glad to be alive.

Bucky is still blushing when Elethu lets go of him. He looks a bit awkward but hides it quickly - or maybe Steve's just imagined it, wishful thinking in play.

"Sorry for being late," Elethu says, still smiling.

"It's okay. Come on, they want to meet you," Bucky answers, holding Elethu's hand as he turns to the others, who are standing in a group, smiling widely at the two of them. Any other man would be intimidated by the assembled Avengers, but not Elethu, apparently. He holds out the bag with food.

"Wanda, it's a pleasure to meet you in the flesh. You said to keep you fed, these are the freshest pastries this side of the Kingdom, came out of the oven less than an hour ago."

Wanda takes the bag and opens it, the smell of warm, freshly baked food making them all groan. "Thank you. Nice to meet you too," Wanda replies, obviously impressed as she shakes his hand. Pietro and Sam are leaning close to her.

"You must be Pietro, Wanda's brother. And Sam. I'm Elethu, James has told me so much about you all."

They both shake his hand, but then immediately start to bombard Wanda about the snacks. She just smiles, and walks back to her towel not relinquishing the bag; then takes a bite of a pastry and moans. They follow her – or the smell of the food – like puppies.

Bucky turns back to Steve. "And you've met Steve on your way here."

"Steve?" Elethu looks back at Steve, who is still standing there, looking at them.

"In my defence, I didn't know who you were, either."

Bucky frowned at them. "You didn't know who you were? But you walked down here together."

"I helped him down the stairs and we started talking, I never asked for a name," Elethu replies, looking sheepish.

Steve shrugs. "Well, neither did I"

He certainly wouldn't have accepted the help if he knew that this was the man Bucky has been... seeing. He realizes he's being petty, but he can't really help it.

"Oh, okay, well, let's sit down? Steve, we brought a chair down for you, it's here under the tree, next to Wanda.”

They walk the few steps to the space they carved for themselves on the crowded beach. Sam and Pietro are laying on their towels, both with a pastry in each hand - apparently Wanda decided to share. She's sitting cross-legged, with the bag open on the towel in front of her. Bucky sits down next to her, on his own towel, pulling Elethu down with him, and helps himself to the pastry, unerringly tracking down one of the cinnamon thingies.

From a distance it looked amazing and wonderful, everyone together and having a good time, but up close... Steve occasionally joins in, but most of the time he's quiet, watching them. Watching other people, too. All those children yelling in excitement, running around, exasperated parents following them.

For the first time, Steve doesn’t think of his family, of his kids. He's thinking of the family around him. They've accepted him, and respect him, seeing him as the old wise man, or the team grandpa. Pietro and Wanda are still the youngest, Sam still growing into his leadership role. His eyes drift to Bucky, who's telling some kind of joke. If he and Elethu get serious... They can get married, they can adopt children, or have their own through surrogacy. They can be a family.

And Steve would have to watch, depending on how long he lives. Certainly not another 80 years? What would Bucky look like in 80 years? Would his hair be grey, or salt and pepper? What will his eyes look like with wrinkles and laugh lines surrounding them? How many upgrades will Shuri do on his arm? Will he a dad, a granddad? Will Bucky tell his kids stories about him? The man who hurt him?

“Really, Elethu, come on, no work!” Steve looks back to them to see Elethu is standing up, his backpack open.

“Just a quick reading, don’t worry. I’ll scan it, and then race you to the middle and back,” Elethu replies, smiling, causing the others to cheer.

“Ooh, in house competition, way to go, Barnes!” Bucky flicks Sam the bird, but gets up nonetheless. “Why is it so important to take a temperature reading _now_?” Sam asks, suddenly serious.

“Since the battle, the water has been progressively getting hotter. James noticed that even the surface temperature of that mountain over there on your left is going up - and that was still early spring, which means it definitely wasn’t supposed to, not to that extent. And then Shuri discovered that the volcano underneath may still be active.”

“But it's almost summer now, no? So the water can get warmer because of that, can't it?” Pietro asks.

“Oh yes, but not to this degree. Even the other night, when James and I- When we swam, it was quite warm, too. It's a phenomenon that I simply have to record, it's so fascinating.” They can all see the passion for his work in the way he talks, and Bucky’s fascination with him. He seems to be quite taken with the man.

Sam folds his arms, then looks at Bucky. “Do you always swim at night?”

Wanda starts to giggle, seeing the instant blush on Bucky’s face. Bucky just grabs Elethu’s hand and drags him to the water. “Wouldn’t you like to know!” he yells back as Elethu shakes his head and follows him, chuckling.

They swam here at night… Alone. Bucky used to love skinny dipping as a child, even when they were growing up. They stopped when he turned fourteen of fifteen, and Steve never did find out why.

With a deep sigh, he continues to watch them. Bucky and Elethu are swimming deeper into the lake - Elethu must have gotten his reading. Wanda, Sam and Pietro all get up to join them.

He can’t, not anymore. He sighs, opening his tablet to look through some data that Hill sent him.

* * *

* * *

**Take this as your sign**

When will you stop being afraid / of everything you can be.

I have never seen the sky, nor the earth / wear their flaws like they are apologies,

Instead they defiantly present them as / their truth, take it or leave it, it is up to you.

When will you realize that you can still grow / forest from the scorched earth of your soul

Remind yourself that the moon even with / her scars is still the fairest of them all

It's the light she gives to the world that / matters in the end, the calm of her heart

When will you understand that / those broken parts of you have learned

How to sing more elegant songs / than the loveliest of songbirds.

Everything around you is asking you / to set yourself free, become everything

That you do not think you can be.

_Nikita Gill_

As signs go, I will take this. Everyday is a new day, a new chance, and I appreciate every chance I am given. _@mynameisBucky_

 _@GeniusPrincess_ Wow, this is lovely.

 _@RedWispsOfAir_ Saving it!

 _@SGRogers_ You should read her books, it is inspiring.

 _@ElethuOhakim_ I share the sentiment. We should never squander a chance that was given, it's a rare gift.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated timeline for the fic! [CLICK HERE](https://i.imgur.com/W4LzJTy.png) for full size.  
>   
> Aaaaand [CLICK HERE](https://i.imgur.com/u0ogEGA.png) for timeline of part 1, "The Power of Five Seconds".  
> kocuria's note: 50k in, they're _finally_ in the same country! We're fairly buzzing with excitement about what's coming :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elethu closes the door and follows them. “Please, help yourself to the food as well. The ceremony can usually be a bit long and something solid will keep the hunger away.”  
> “Thanks,” Sam answers as he hands Steve his cup of coffee.  
> “Thank you for your hospitality, Elethu.” Steve's voice is strained.  
> “You're welcome, friends of James are friends of mine.”  
> “Speaking of which, where is he?” Sam peeks around the living room like he's expecting Bucky to be hiding behind the sofa.  
> “Oh, showering,” Elethu says with their back to them, turning the hot plate back on. Sam pretends to not see the face Steve makes at the statement.

9 Nov 2024

  
Bucky wakes first; lying on his side, Elethu in front of him, his back to Bucky. Bucky's arm is over his side, holding him close. They're both naked.

Bucky slowly pulls his arm back and shifts so he's on his back. It's still early, too early to get up.

Early enough for his brain to replay the previous day's events, apparently.

They stayed at the lake until the sun was low, then they packed up and made their way back to the palace. Elethu and Wanda talked about the volcano and his work. Bucky and Sam bickered, while Pietro tried to juggle with the sunblock and two towels (it didn't work out, unsurprisingly).

Once back, they enjoyed dinner at the dining hall again, before making their way to their rooms. Elethu left, saying he needed to put the readings into his computers, but that he enjoyed meeting them all and couldn't wait to spend more time together the next day. They said goodbye with excited smiles - everyone really liked him. Well, Steve just nodded before going into his room, not saying much else.

Bucky knew Elethu would come back to his room. Sure enough, about half an hour later, Elethu came through the door.

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd want them to see us come in together, plus it looked like you needed a moment alone."

Bucky felt his heart swell, because yes, he did need some time alone. Elethu could've just put the readings in on his tablet, but he'd gone out of his way to make Bucky comfortable.

"Sam knows you stay weekends here, so its fine, but I appreciate it nonetheless. And I did actually need a moment. It's just been a rough and busy day."

"Seeing Steve probably didn't help either... You told me what he did, but seeing it-”

"I don't want to talk about it," Bucky interrupted.

"James," Elethu tried, but in response Bucky did the only he knew how to do well. He pulled Elethu close and kissed him. Not a soft, loving kiss, either - it was hard and rough.

"Elethu, let's not talk about anything tonight, okay? Tomorrow is a new day. Let's just spend the night together. You and I and no worries."

Elethu nodded and nearly ripped Bucky's shirt off his torso in an effort to get him naked. Ten minutes later they were naked in bed, Bucky on top of Elethu, holding on to the bed frame as he moved atop him, Elethu holding his hips, his fingers leaving marks on Bucky's ass.

Bucky shifts carefully, slowly getting out of the bed; standing up, he walks towards the small living room overlooking the gardens. It's going to be a beautiful day. Bucky can't remember the last time he was at a wedding... Is it possible he's never been to one? Maybe a distant cousin, but he really doesn't remember. He was invited to a Wakandan wedding before, but stayed at a distance, not really partaking in anything. He was still too damaged, hardly out of cryo, while Steve, Natasha and Sam were somewhere in Europe.

Today, however, he will be taking part - Shuri already gave him several duties. He is to make sure the guests are happy and seated, that drinks and food keep coming and the youngsters don't make trouble. He remembers that alcohol and brave young men, or _stupid_ men, aren't always a good combination.

Shuri also asked him to stay close to her - she prefers him to any other bodyguards. Personally, Bucky thinks it's just to keep an eye on him. It's not as if she really needs security here. He can't blame her, though. Seeing Steve was... well, it wasn't perfect.

He still has so many emotions about the situation, even though he made peace with Steve and they have, sort of, made progress. There is still a chasm between them, but Bucky thinks it will always be there. He can't talk to Steve like he wants to, and he misses his best friend. He has others now, to joke with, to run around with, to protect and keep safe, to love... But they aren't like Steve. He doesn't think he will ever love someone the way he loved, _loves,_ whatever, Steve. That was something ingrained in him, something that's been there before he even hit puberty. Before he realized what it meant to love. He thought it was normal, until Becks said something-

Shaking his head, he looks back to the bedroom. He's convinced that with enough time he can and will fall for the amazing man in his bed, and maybe even truly _love_ him... He isn't sure what that means long term. Could he- could they be..? Can he see himself getting married in this new world? Would they stay here? Would-

His phone buzzing breaks his train of thought. It's a text from Wanda.

_Bucky, when do I change from formal wear into my party dress?! Where? Is there time between the ceremony and the party? Would everyone be changing? What's the procotol here, it's a royal wedding, holy shit, help?!_

Smiling, he starts to type.

**I'm going to go change sometime during the party, in my rooms – you can sneak out with me, if you'd like. Don't worry, we've got time :)**

_Thank you. Will do. The outfit for the ceremony is perfect, thanks to you :* See you later!!_

**See you soon!**

Putting the phone back, he walks to the small kitchenette to make a small but hearty breakfast for himself and Elethu, getting the coffee started too. He goes over the plans for the day - what Wanda doesn’t know is that he memorized the color of her dress, and asked Shuri what it's called so he got a shirt that matches it perfectly. He's been practicing the Lindy Hop for days now, to be sure he still remembers it. Elethu laughed at him doing the moves over and over again, but agreed to help him - he understood that Bucky had a reputation to uphold. Fortunately, dancing still comes natural to him, and he still loves it, even after a century.

He is actually very excited for the day ahead.

The maize porridge is perfect for this breakfast - it keeps you full for longer. Bucky fell in love with it when he moved here - it's filled with vitamins and minerals and protein, and is surprisingly versatile. You can choose to have it with butter and sugar, or even with eggs and sausages, or whatever else strikes your fancy. Bucky prefers butter so it turns yellow, and then lots of sugar; Elethu likes his with scrambled eggs and a few sausages, or bacon.

“Oh, the smell and the view, five stars.”

Bucky spins around to see Elethu standing in the doorway, his trousers already on. Bucky is still stark naked; blushing furiously, he looks pointedly at the clothes.

“You showered, and didn’t invite me?”

“If I did, we would've been late for the ceremony.”

Bucky tilts his head, then shrugs. “True enough. Hold the fort while I quickly go and shower?”

“Of course.” Elethu smiles at him like he's hung the moon. Bucky ducks his head to hide the blush.

“Cool, thanks. The eggs are almost done, the plate with the sausages can be switched off, and the porridge is ready. The coffee's in the carafe, and I will be right back.”

“I got it, go, shower,” Elethu laughs.

Walking past Elethu, Bucky gives him a quick kiss before disappearing into the bathroom.

Elethu's just pouring the coffee when there's a knock on the door. Without thinking, he opens it to see Sam and Steve standing there, each holding several hangers.

“Love the tan, Barnes,” Sam jokes immediately to hide the surprise. Steve swallows deeply, then looks away.

Elethu laughs. “Now I know why he likes you so much! Come on in, do you want coffee?”

“Did Barnes make it?”

“Yes,” Elethu answers, a bit surprised when Sam claps his hands together.

“Yesss, he makes awesome coffee,” Sam replies, walking past Elethu to go inside. Steve follows at a steadier pace. Elethu closes the door and follows them.

“Please, help yourself to the food as well. The ceremony can usually be a bit long and something solid will keep the hunger away.”

“Thanks,” Sam answers as he hands Steve his cup of coffee.

“Thank you for your hospitality, Elethu.” Steve's voice is strained.

“You're welcome, friends of James are friends of mine.”

“Speaking of which, where is he?” Sam peeks around the living room like he's expecting Bucky to be hiding behind the sofa.

“Oh, showering,” Elethu says with their back to them, turning the hot plate back on. Sam pretends to not see the face Steve makes at the statement.

By the time Bucky comes out of the shower, the three of them are sitting around the table having breakfast. His plate is already waiting for him, the butter melted and sugar crusty on top.

“Hey, guys,” he greets, sitting down and digging into his food, not bothered by their presence. He must have heard them - after all, he does have the enhanced hearing.

Steve watches him out of the corner of his eye - Bucky is enjoying his food, not even touching the eggs or sausages, happy with just his sweetened porridge. He was like that back in Brooklyn too - didn’t need luxurious food, even if he did try to spoil Steve sometimes, when they had a bit of extra cash. Give him his bowl of porridge, though, usually watery oatmeal, and he was happy. The sight is so familiar, even now, with two lifetimes between them.

“Sam and Steve came over because they needed help with their outfits. They tried suits, but the weather…”

“Oh God no, you will look like sponges dripping with sweat,” Bucky counters, looking at them.

“That’s what we figured. Shuri sent us a couple of outfits that could work for the ceremony, but we aren’t exactly sure how they come together,” Sam replies, not even trying to look ashamed. Bucky loves that about him - he isn’t pretentious of fake, if he doesn’t know, he will admit it and ask for help, like he does now.

“Sure, we can help,” Bucky replies.

Elethu nods. “Yeah, James, you can go be the fashion guru, I will clean up.”

Bucky turns to Elethu and smiles, taking his hand. “You sure? I can help?”

“No, it'll be fine, I’m packing it in the dishwasher anyhow. Go help them,” Elethu insists, squeezing Bucky’s hand and getting up. Steve watches the interaction with discomfort. It's all terribly domestic, like they do it every day.

“Thank you,” Bucky replies before finishing the last dregs of his coffee and standing up, walking towards the hangers. “Okay, let’s see what we’ve got.”

There are three pairs of slacks each - soft cotton trousers, one pair black, one white, and one dark blue. The tops are also made of a soft light cotton, short- and long-sleeved, each in two colors, white with black trim and black with white one. The third is blue with black and white embroidery. Shuri gave them very good options. He himself is going for white trousers and a white and black short sleeve top. He wore black for so long that given a chance he always opts for light.

Thirty minutes later they're all done. Wanda and Pietro join them and together the six of them make their way to the courtyard.

The ceremony spans two days: the first day, where the whole community celebrates and shares in the goodwill, everyone participating in the rituals to ensure the full blessing of both ancestors and gods, to make sure the union is permanent. It's open so anyone and everyone can join in. Bucky loves it, the whole kingdom coming together, everyone taking part - something meant for good, a ritual meant to draw people closer, unite them. It isn’t just a wedding between two people, it's something celebrated by the entire community. He thinks it's amazing. Tomorrow, the actual marriage ceremony, will only be between close family and friends... plus the world leaders that were invited, the VIPs. Today, however, is for everyone. Bucky watches as Shuri stays close to her brother, pursing her lips every now and then. Bucky knows she is trying to keep face, but silently begging to put someone in their place. She's a fee and wild spirit.

He looks back to Steve and the rest - they're sitting on the right side, their tables are in shade, they look happy and are enjoying themselves. Steve is smiling, but Bucky knows his tells, even in this a ninety (or is it almost 200?) year-old body. The man is feeling a bit out of place, not sure where he fits in anymore. He's also pale to the point of looking quite ill. Bucky is momentarily worried. Is Steve okay? Is he just not used to travelling long distance anymore? Staying up so late? Is it the heat? He can’t dwell on it too long though, because he sees Elethu sitting on the other side of the room with his family. Watching closely, he notices Sam walking over to them. He wonders what he's up to.

The ceremony is a huge success; everything looks fantastic and Bucky has no problem doing his job. Elethu leaves his side after a while, saying he will be back, he just needs to go to his family. The New Avengers have a row reserved especially for them, joined by Rhodey, Strange and a few others. One side is taken entirely by invited diplomats, ambassadors and world leaders.

Steve notices several of the American politicians looking at Bucky warily, whispering behind their hands. He feels a swell of rage - Bucky's been cleared of all charges, he's been pronounced innocent _years_ ago. Steve might have failed him in nearly everything else, but he did not fail to clear his name. It took him nearly five years, two years on the run and three years after the Snap, but in the end James Buchanan Barnes wass cleared and he's now considered a hero who helped saved the world. Bucky did his part. Those idiots should keep their opinions and judgement to themselves.

Bucky, on the other hand, is oblivious. He walks around, his head held high, his arm swinging lazily next to his body, his shoulders relaxed and his smile wide. He occasionally stops to take a few pictures on his phone and then moves on. He walks past their seats a few times, too, asking if they are okay, and bringing them bottles of cool water when they need it. He also stops next to Elethu and talks to his family for a while. Steve knows that one of the strings that pulled them together was that they were both big brothers who helped to raise their sisters.

Steve quickly notices a young man who would stare at Bucky with open jealousy, especially when he's standing next to Elethu, or talking to his family. Steve frowns. Who is that? He keeps looking to Elethu with longing, with regret… Oh. He knows that look, he was on the receiving end of that look for years, even if he realized it too late. 'Everyone is someone’s fantasy' he remembers the line from a song somewhere. And isn’t that the truth.

* * *

* * *

By the time the sky goes dark, the party and celebrations are in full swing. Luckily, there are no incidents requiring any serious intervention. T’Challa and Nakia are radiantly happy and only have eyes for each other. Everyone's excited, there's dancing, loud music, and Bucky is finally sitting at the table with the Avengers... and Elethu’s family. Sam organized it so that Bucky wouldn’t have to split his time so much. Now that he knows what Sam was up to, he must find a way to thank him.

Bucky looks at the time and gets up, taking Wanda’s hand. The others look at them.

“Go change into your dress, the party is about to start in earnest. This is where we dance the night away, as the saying goes.”

Wanda smiles brightly. “What about you?”

“I’m going to change as well, meet me here in twenty minutes.” Feeling giddy, Wanda quickly runs to her room. Bucky turns to the others.

“Excuse me, I'll be back.” He flashes a smile.

“What’s with the changing?” one of Elethu’s sisters stops him, asking.

Bucky looks to her. “I made Wanda a promise. She said something really important to me a couple months ago, so, this is me, making good on my word. It’s a dance and we want to be comfortable. And, she also has a really nice outfit planned.”

“Plus James has a surprise for her,” Elethu adds with a smile. Bucky mirrors it.

“She’s my little sis, I’m going to do everything I can to make her happy.”

The all ‘awwww' at him, but he just turns around and quickly runs to his room. Steve watches him leave, feeling that old familiar ache in his chest.

Wanda makes it back with five minutes to spare. Shuri quickly runs over when she sees her dress.

“Oh, this looks amazing,” Shuri exclaims, smiling widely.

“Thank you.” Wanda blushes.

The others all compliment her, too. It's a soft A-line dress, the top tight and then the bottom flaring out, coming to a stop just below her knees; sleeveless, with a low V-neck. It's a light, soft blue, holographic. It looks perfect on her.

“I’m a bit nervous... I saw the YouTube videos and tried to learn some of the moves, but Bucky keeps saying I shouldn’t worry, he has it under control,” Wanda replies running her hands down the dress, smoothing the material.

“What dance are you going to do?” Rudzani, Elethu’s youngest sister, asks.

“The Lindy Hop. It was apparently a popular dance style back in his time, he said he enjoyed it and I made a comment once that I would like to try it... He said he would show me,” Wanda answers looking around, trying to see where Bucky is.

Steve looks down when she says ‘Lindy Hop’. He remembers it - Bucky would practice every chance he got, in their flat, making Steve laugh at his moves, trying to show him how to do them... Steve never got it down. He saw the dance again, when he went back, but he and Peggy never tried it. He remembers the sadness when the style faded away into a distant time, lost to memories. Just like Bucky did.

Sam’s eyes catch something in the distance.

“Oh, wow. The boy does know how to clean up nice…” he comments and everyone turns around. Steve’s eyes widen and he can hear a low impressed murmur.

Bucky's changed into black pants and a soft holographic shirt, a perfect match to Wanda’s dress. He's wearing a _hat_ , a soft black hat, similar to his army one, askew on his head, a soft hair strand curling over his forehead. He looks amazing - he looks…

Hot. Sexy. It hits Steve like a train.

“Wow, Barnes, you look good,” Sam compliments again, once Bucky is close. He smiles shyly once he's in front of them.

“Thank you,” he answers. Elethu grabs his hand, squeezing it slightly. Bucky glances at Wanda. “Surprise,” he whispers softly.

“We match!” Wanda finally utters.

“Of course we do, we’re doing this right! Oh…” He turns to the rest of the table. “If I may… I have a bit of a speech? Wasn’t sure if I should make one, but I think it is appropriate…”

Everyone stops what they're doing and turns to him, giving him their full attention.

“I just want to say a quick word, a word of thanks. To so many people, but to my younger sisters, my adopted younger sisters, most of all. I really, really love you both, so much. You have been such a steady rock for me to lean on. A couple of months ago I was in a bad place, and I thought I was alone, but... I wasn’t, was I?” He locks eyes with Wanda. “Wanda, you came into my room offering me snacks and tea, and a listening ear, an open heart and a shoulder to lean on. You told me you want to live again, dance again and I wanted that too, so when you said you wanted to learn the Lindy Hop I made a promise that one day I would show you, dance it with you. This may be just a silly dance, a silly song, but it's so much more to me... And right now, tonight, we will dance it for you all,” he says, looking back at the group. “I hope you enjoy it, but I also hope that you can forgive us if we muck it up a bit. We didn’t really have any chance to practice. Thank you.”

They all clap, causing some people to look to their table. T’Challa and Nakia share a look and grin. They knew this was coming.

Wanda throws her arms around Bucky and he pulls her tight, both trying to keep their emotions in check. Sam looks at them and smiles, his eyes shiny. He remembers that day - Bucky was withdrawing, Wanda came in, and a friendship was born.

“I’m still not sure about all the moves.”

Bucky pulls her away, a bit to the side, closer to the dance floor. “I know them. Wanda-”

Wanda starts to pull away but Bucky stops her so he can watch her intently. Wanda feels the change like electricity in the air.

“Bucky…?”

“I know what you can do, Steve told me years ago. You can go into minds. I want you- I give you permission, to go into mine, right now… or as we dance? The moves are there, you struggle, you go get them, all right?”

Wanda's hands go against her mouth in shock, but Bucky slowly takes them and put them against his face, touching his temples.

“Bucky…”

“I trust you.”

Wanda takes a steadying breath and then her hands glow red for a moment.

“I got it.”

“Then let’s do it.” Raising his arm, he gives a thumbs up - suddenly the familiar jazzy tune starts playing and then, as one, Wanda and Bucky start to dance. The crowd goes wild - laughing, cheering and clapping. Sam and Pietro whistle. Both Wanda and Bucky are laughing wildly, dancing like they were born to do it.

Steve stares. He tries to look away, but can’t. He's frozen in place.

His eyes on Bucky, the scene familiar. He can almost smell the sweltering hot atmosphere of the hall, he can feel the ache in his chest from the cigarette smoke and cold night air. The familiar feeling of an oncoming asthma attack, or a cold hitting his small body. But now he's old, and the ache comes from age, from grief, not smoke or asthma. The moves are familiar. Bucky dancing is familiar.

The song ends and a loud cheers erupt; Pietro and Sam jump up and down, clapping loudly. Shuri has the whole thing on film. Steve's eyes catch the diplomats and the ambassadors, who a few hours ago looked at Bucky with wariness and worry - they're clapping and laughing too.

Sam leans over to Steve. “What did Bucky say and what did Wanda do there? It looks as if she didn’t expect it.”

“She didn’t,” Steve answers, his voice gruff, his throat thick.

“Then…?”

“Bucky gave her permission to go into his head, to get the dance moves.”

“He- he gave her- to go into- Fuck, that’s huge! He- Wow…” Sam struggles to form words, staring at Bucky who's hugging Wanda close. A new song starts to play, something more modern, and other people come to the dance floor.

“Yes, it is,” Steve agrees quietly. It is huge. Bucky freely giving someone permission to go into his head? That's amazing.

Wanda comes running back, all smiles as Pietro hugs her close and they both laugh. Steve watches Bucky, though, who holds his hand out to Elethu. Elethu grabs it, then walks right into an embrace. Steve can see Bucky's eyes are red rimmed with emotion. Steve’s are, too. He wants to walk over, to tell him how wonderful, how _beautiful_ he looked, but he doesn’t. He watches as Bucky and Elethu start to dance, the song slow, and then, to his surprise, to his shock, Elethu kisses Bucky, right there, for all the gathered world to see. Bucky responds deepening the kiss, not caring that they're standing in the middle of the dancefloor, people dancing all around them.

Steve chokes on his breath. It hurts, so much. His right arm grabs his chest, a habit.

No one notices, except Shuri and Sam - they share a look, then get up and stand on either side of him.

“I need to go. No, I’m fine, don't worry, I just…” Steve mumbles out.

“Sure, let’s help you,” Sam says holding onto his arm. Shuri has the other one.

“No,” Steve grits out, pushing them away. “I’m sorry, I need to be alone. Excuse me.” Without a second glance he starts to walk back to the palace, to his rooms, alone and hunched over - his feet shuffling, his shoulders tense. Sam and Shuri watch him with sad eyes, both knowing why he's reacting like this. The man is broken. He has been, for so many years after he woke up, when he saved the world all those times. He got fixed, a bit, when he went back, and now… after years of denial, finally facing facts…They turn to look at Bucky, who is still dancing with Elethu.

They both sigh deeply.

There is nothing they can do.

* * *

* * *

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. […] Dance when you’re perfectly free.” Jalaluddin Rumi @MynameisBucky

Thank you for the dance. Love you lots. @RedWispsOfAir 

You guys were AWESOME!!! @Quicksilver

You got the moves Man, I will admit it! @AwesomeFalcon

Whiteboy, you put some men to shame... even in your glitter shirt! @GeniusPrincess

@GeniusPrincess It is holographic blue! @MynameisBucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Wanda's dress:](https://diggzprom.com/products/dq-3144-short-spaghetti-strap-shimmering-metallic-homecoming-party-dress)
> 
> Rose's note: "The power of 5 seconds" just passed the 300 kudos mark. I have not once in my life thought one of my stories would reach a point like this series had. The effect it has on people. I can't describe the overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I can only be inspired to do better, to do more. This series was born out of one idea, and it's grown to this, and it has such a impact on people. It's wonderful to know so many people love it, but on the other hand, that fact that so many identify with it due to what happened in Endgame makes me feel like we are all in this together, trying to find a way to cope, to make sense. To turn something dark, something painful into something good. Thank you all for leaving kudos and comments. I appreciate it!


	14. royal wedding media coverage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good day folks, this is Michael Patton here. As you can see, I am here at the royal wedding in Wakanda. That’s right, the longest-kept secret, country of Wakanda here in Africa. I’m standing under a seemingly impossible force field that is lightly tinted blue, and I must admit, it makes for some atmosphere.  
> Personally, I am interested in a few of the guests in particular. The new Captain America Samuel Wilson...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bonus chapter - the idea attacked us a few weeks ago and we had _so much fun_ doing all of this!  
> The chapter count has been upped from 44 to 45, since this chapter is a late addition.  
> There will be a regular chapter coming out tomorrow, as well, covering the events shown here from our characters' perspective, fear not!

* * *

****

* * *

****

**TWITTER**

_@OfficialWakanda_ Finally! We waited years - the world waited years. The wedding of the new century, King T’Challa & Nakia are GETTING MARRIED Follow us for the latest Use the #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding tags & share with us your experience & photos!

_@OfficialWakanda_ Today the prince is becoming a king. He looks calm and collected waiting for his queen. Princess Shuri and the Queen mother looking elegant and happy. Everything is going according to plan. #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ [picture of reporters crowding] The world is watching. Newscrews are camped. King T’Challa has invited a select few, with strict instructions. The guests are finding their seats, expectations are high, the smiles wide, and the fashion! #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ The ceremony is about to start. The royal couple have decided on making new traditions, but will keep a few of the old. There will be a feast, although no animals will be explicitly killed today. #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ It’s happening! Nakia is making her way down the aisle and she is looking absolutely stunning! We as Wakanda can stand tall and proud. This wedding will be the talk of the town #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ [picture of standing wedding guests] Oh my… everyone is shedding a tear. This wedding has been long due, some waited 5 years longer than the others, hoping & praying for today. It's truly magnificent, everyone coming together to celebrate. #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ [portrait of Nakia and T'Challa embracing] IT’S OFFICIAL! King T’challa and Queen Nakia are greeting the guests as a married couple. Is that a tear in our King’s eye? #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ Now that the official part is over, the party is in full swing! Laughter, playing around, everyone is having fun. Local customs, the food... It's truly a sight. The journey was worth it. #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ [picture of Shuri and Bucky smiling] Princess Shuri is clearly 1 of the main attractions, her personality shining through. Her appointed guardian, Bucky Barnes is close. She stated multiple times he is her 2nd brother. The bond is obvious #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ The Royal couple is opening the dance floor. The song's a soft mix between traditional Wakanda & classical music. Their dance is perfect. Nearly everyone suddenly has something in their eye #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

_@OfficialWakanda_ [picture of gathered party crowd at night] The party is in full swing, people enjoying themselves tremendously. Dessert is about the be served and then the night will be spent dancing and having a good time. #RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

* * *

****

**INSTAGRAM**

@OfficialWakanda

[picture: garden full of flowers] Follow us live here on Instagram, we are live in Wakanda! The royal wedding is happening today. We will be sharing pictures, stories and everything in between. The overall theme today seems to black and white, with some rainbow color accents in between. It's simple, yet sophisticated and classically beautiful. There are several tables placed around what will be the dance floor later on. All of this will be happening outside in the courtyard. A special force field in soft translucent blue is hanging over the palace. It keeps the harsh UV rays out, protecting the guests, yet provides the perfect light.

#RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

@OfficialWakanda

[picture: a trellis with greenery] Here we have it people, the archway where the ceremony will be taking place. The Queen Mother and Princess Shuri are already in their places, talking with a few close friends. Most of the ambassadors and world leaders are in their designated seats, looking calm and friendly. There's shared jokes. The overall feeling is anticipation and joy. Today has been a long time coming.

#RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

@OfficialWakanda

[picure: a woman in Xhosa wedding gown walking down the aisle] Our future queen is walking down to meet our King, look at that dress! She is looking wonderful, and from that smile on King T'Challa's face, he is in agreement. The gasps of the guests could be heard across the yard.

#RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

@OfficialWakanda

[picture: Nakia and T'Challa touching foreheads intimately] A loud cheer and a clapping of hands to congratulate the newly married couple. This is truly a magnificent day. Everyone here knows it, they can feel it.

#RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

@OfficialWakanda

[picture: romantic raised dancefloor at night] The sun is setting and somehow it makes everything even more magical. People are having fun. Everyone here today is coming together in a way most could only dream of.

#RoyalWakandaWedding #Wakandawedding

* * *

**LIVE NEWS REPORTS**

**UK lifestyle reporter:**

Today is the day. The world is celebrating its first royal wedding since the Blip - King T'Challa of Wakanda is marrying his long term fiancé Nakia Shauku. The usual week-long celebration will happen over a two day period instead, to accommodate all the guests from around the world. Wakanda has opened its borders after centuries of secrecy, and this is a great way to bring the world together.

As you can see behind me, the tables are filling up with guests.

A table has been set aside specifically for the Avengers, the old and the new. Although several couldn't make it due to their responsibilities, we do have a few here. The newly minted Captain America, previously known as Falcon, Sam Wilson is already seated and, from the looks of it, enjoying himself. Looking especially stylish in his Wakandan outfit, he cuts a fine figure.

Next to him is Dr. Stephen Strange, the gifted physician and surgeon turned Sorcerer Supreme. Also in attendance is Wanda Maximoff, known as Scarlett Witch. Her brother, who's been missing for several years and presumed dead, is also here - Pietro Maximoff, known as Quicksilver, is looking mighty fine in his outfit. All the Avengers got inspired by the Wakandan tradition and have mixed local culture with modern fashion.

It is worth mentioning that the original Captain America, Steve Rogers, is also present. Now old, due to a complication with the Infinity Stones and fight with Thanos, he is alone here, no plus one in sight. Along with Thor, the Hulk and Hawkeye, Rogers is one of the last Avengers remaining. Today must bring memories, as well as nostalgia, since the loss of Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) and Tony Stark (Iron Man) is one of the main reasons we are here to celebrate today at all. Their sacrifice, along with everyone else participating in the intergalactic war a year ago, made this future possible.

...

I have just been informed that the former Winter Soldier, Sergeant James Barnes, known as Bucky, is also here. In fact he was personally chosen by Princess Shuri to act as her personal body guard, after his extended stay here in Wakanda made him effectively an adopted member of the royal family. From the looks of it, the White Wolf, as we just heard him referred to, is doing quite well. He's looking more like the Bucky Barnes from history books than the Winter Soldier the public has come to know him as after the events of the Helicarriers Massacre in 2014, when Captain Steve Rogers revealed his identity in a press conference that created arguably the biggest scandal surrounding the good Captain. Bucky seems to be fully back to his old self – charming and handsome, he is making an impression wherever he goes.

...

The wedding is about to start. It is quite interesting to see how the customs of Wakanda and the new modern world come together. Although Wakanda shares many traditions with the Xhosa tribe in South Africa, it's been announced they will not participate in a few of them - most notably, the sacrifice and consumption of an animal in front of the guests.

The tables are beautifully decorated and laid out, each with a personalized touch. There are no name tags, as the general consensus is that it's a day to share among friends and family, not guests and acquaintances.

...

**US news reporter**

Good day folks, this is Michael Patton here. As you can see, I am here at the royal wedding in Wakanda. That’s right, the longest-kept secret, country of Wakanda here in Africa, probably one of the only African countries that hasn't fallen prey to colonialism. I’m standing under a seemingly impossible force field that is lightly tinted blue, and I must admit, it makes for some atmosphere. Just now, I can see the ambassador of Australia and he is thoroughly enjoying the wonderful garden the ceremony is taking place in.

Personally, I am interested in a few of the guests in particular. The new Captain America Samuel Wilson is here, and, no offense, looks quite at home in the traditional Wakandan attire. His transition into the role of Captain America hasn’t been the smoothest - the first black man to lead not only the New Avengers, but also the rest for the world's superheroes, has been met with conflicted feelings. Even the Scarlet Witch, a refugee from Sokovia, seems much more at home in her new role. Discovering her brother, Pietro, is alive came as quite a shock, but it is more than welcome. The twin siblings – now with quite a visible age difference between them, and we can only assume it has something to do with the Time Stone present during the intergalactic war with villain Thanos - they filled the gaps in the Avenger Initiative created by the deaths of two of the original members, Natasha Romanoff and Tony Stark. Both with great powers, we can only wait and see how they fit in long term.

Then as you can see, over there at the Avengers table, the one and only Steve Rogers. It's been revealed that he suffered some shock that damaged the serum in his body, causing him to rapidly age. Although still part of the Avengers, he is now holding an administrative position, working with Sam Wilson on plans and strategies. It must be quite a shock to have changed so suddenly, but he is no stranger to shocking transitions, as evidenced by his 70 -year-long nap in the Arctic ice between his heroic sacrifice at the end of WWII and his awakening just in time for the Battle of New York in 2012…

Speaking of shocks, we have the former Hydra operative and American POW Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. I have to tell you folks, it is quite something to see him here - young, his hair cut… I must admit, he looks nothing like the Winter Soldier we've all come to fear. It's not something anyone thought we would ever see, to be honest. He looks… innocent and happy. His name has been cleared, and he is a free man, now residing in Wakanda and, surprisingly, enjoying the favor of the royal family, including the groom, King T'Challa, son of T'Chaka – the man the Winter Soldier allegedly murdered in the bombing of the Vienna International Centre in 2016. The Winter Soldier files, showing the torture he's endured for 70 years, are out there for the world to see, and that admittedly has helped immensely to turn the tide of public opinion on his favor. It is known that he has since fought and used his skills to protect Earth in the battle against Thanos here, in Wakanda – he seems to become a force for the good. It's known that he became an integral part of the New Avengers, sources going as far as naming him as new Captain America's second in command…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come back tomorrow for some long-awaited heart-to-hearts!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky takes a breath. "I'm sorry, I just needed to get away for a while. There's a lot of things going on. I just need to breathe for a bit."  
> "Is it because _he_ is not here?"

10 Nov 2024

Like the previous morning, Bucky and Elethu decide on another quick breakfast before the final part of the ceremony gets underway. Today will be quieter and more intimate than yesterday. They're hardly done when there's a knock on the door. They share a look.

"Sam, he wants coffee," Bucky provides and shrugs when he sees the look of disbelief on Elethu's face. Still, Bucky gets up and opens the door.

"Hey, Michael Flatley, got coffee?" Sam asks and then invites himself into the room. He's alone this time. "Elethu, my man, what’s up?" Sam greets and sits down, holding his head and wincing.

Bucky stands behind Sam, hands on his hips, and grins. "Told you."

Elethu just shakes his head. "I’m well, thank you. I take it you partied a bit hard?"

"I don't remember it being this hard..." Sam moans and takes the mug Bucky offers. "Thanks, Barnes. I owe you."

"Where's Steve?" Bucky asks instead and sits down. He's used to seeing them together, and he's wondered if they sorted their issues.

Sam takes a long sip and looks at him. "Aw, this is perfection. No, he said he will join us later when the ceremony starts, he's a bit tired, can't really stay up for long..." Sam says, his eyes down. Bucky finds it strange. Sam usually holds unwavering eye contact.

"He left quite early? I didn't see him after my dance with Wanda." Seeing the miniscule flinch, Bucky becomes more suspicious.

"Yeah... he went to his room. Long day, we aren't really used to long parties, we're used to long meetings..." Sam smiles, happy with his own joke.

Bucky nods and waits till Elethu goes to brush his teeth before he looks at Sam. "Sam... Is Steve okay?"

Sam sighs and glares at Bucky from underneath his arms. "Yeah, um... you should talk to him about it."

"Something is up."

"Bucky, really... I think you both need to talk. And not in emails."

"I'm not sure how to even start all of this, but it's like I feel something's wrong-" Bucky stops talking and gets up, picking up both his and Sam's mugs. Sam frowns until he sees Elethu walking in.

"Are you ready to go?" Elethu asks, not picking up on the tension in the room.

The wedding vow ceremony is beautiful. The queen performs it as the highest official ranking person in the Kingdom. It's outside, on the open grass; some kind of force field is up, blocking most of the sun rays, but keeping the light. Nakia is dressed in a [beautiful black and white dress](https://i.imgur.com/Rmt7dKq.png), almost a mermaid style in modern terms. Across her shoulders are myriads of beads and patterns. T'Challa matches the beads and patterns on his shirt, black and white with black trousers. Both have headpieces on, also decorated with swinging beads. Shuri stands close as the queen talks, trying not to look as emotional as she obviously feels.

There's about a hundred seats, in four sets of twenty-five each, set up in a half moon so everyone can see; all the politicians and ambassadors on one side, the family and friends taking on the other. Steve is sitting in the same row as Bucky and the rest, at the very end. He was one of the last to arrive. Next to him are Sam, then Bucky, Elethu, Pietro and Wanda, then the others. Bucky is a bit surprised seeing Steve - he looks tired, still pale, moving very slow. Bucky thinks back to his talk with Sam. Something is wrong with Steve. Seriously wrong. He needs to talk to him, and soon.

The ceremony doesn't drag, and before Bucky knows it, it's over. There's a loud cheer and clapping as everyone stands up. They all stand in line to congratulate the new married couple, before they can move to the reception area. The smell of food is already in the air and everyone is sniffing and smiling in anticipation. It truly smells delicious. After the congratulations, the crowd will make their way to the reception while the bride and groom take a few pictures.

Bucky stands closer to the back, relaxed, with all the time in the world. Steve is one of the first - Wakanda respects their elders. Bucky frowns thoughtfully. Something is off. Now would be a good time to catch a private moment. Then, among all the smiles and greetings, Bucky momentarily loses track of Steve, and by the time he looks for him again, Steve is long gone.

"Do you know if Steve is sitting at our table? I can't see him anywhere?" Bucky asks Elethu as they slowly move towards the newlyweds.

"I don't know, I think so? Sam did say something about a group photo or something."

"Oh, I need to talk to him, I haven't seen him this morning."

"I'm sure he is okay," Elethu soothes a hand down Bucky's arm.

"Yeah, yeah, I bet... Still..." Bucky looks around, still worried. Elethu frowns and steps closer to him.

"Hey, what's going on? Last night you didn't want to talk about him, now you're desperate to talk to him?"

Bucky looks at him. "Well, something came up, I'm... I need to know what's going on."

"James-"

"Move forward please," an irritated lady behind them interrupts, so they both smile at her before turning and following the queue. Finally, they're right up front.

"King T’Challa, Queen Nakia, you look absolutely gorgeous. Congratulations," Bucky leans forward, kissing Nakia's hand and giving the king a hug.

"Thank you," T’Challa replies, beaming.

Nakia pulls Bucky close before he has a chance to walk away. "Give me a hug too," she orders, and with a soft laugh Bucky hugs her close, careful of her gown. "I heard a rumour that if things progress the way they do now, we might have another celebration soon?" Nakia whispers mischievously and Bucky frowns as he pulls away.

"Huh?"

"Tsk, tsk... We'll talk later, go enjoy the day, your man is waiting!"

Bucky turns his head to see that Elethu is indeed waiting for him a few steps away, looking excited. Bucky puts on a forced smile and walks away. Well that's another thing on his mind, now, besides Steve.

Elethu leads them to the table, where the others are already seated. Steve isn’t there. Bucky frowns immediately, his eyes darting to the empty seat.

Sam sees it and frowns. Bucky really isn't subtle, and he's obviously caught on to what's happening. Steve may have hidden his illness from him when it was just Skype and emails, but when you see him in person it's clear that the man isn’t doing so well. He needs to distract Bucky, even for a short while.

He waits till Bucky sits down, then leans over. "He made an excuse, saying he needed to call and check in with the compound and then with JJ. It sounds as if JJ’s daughter is getting a divorce."

Bucky gives a stiff nod. The compound he can understand. Even the family. He's just not sure what to do or think about all of it. He has enough on his plate right now.

The atmosphere is light and music starts playing. Everyone is happy and enjoying the day.

Steve doesn't return.

Bucky keeps thinking about him, and about what Nakia said. What did she mean? Who else is getting married? Not Shuri... The villagers and their love life wouldn't cause her to say something like that... Oh... what if- but- no, he and Elethu are nowhere near that. Not even remotely.

He looks at Elethu, who's talking to someone on his side. What does Elethu think? Is he aware of this rumour circulating?

Bucky needs to get out, get away. He can't do this... he needs some air.

"Please, excuse me." Bucky gets up.

Sam and Wanda immediately look concerned. "You okay, man?" Sam asks.

"Yeah... I just need a moment, it's all a bit overwhelming."

"Okay, but if you need anything-"

"I know. Thanks, Sam. See you all later."

Bucky quickly walks away. He makes his way to the other side of the lawn that's mostly private and quiet, before:

"James! JAMES!" He turns around to see Elethu running after him and stops.

"Where are you going?" Elethu asks once he's in front of him.

Bucky takes a breath. "I'm sorry, I just needed to get away for a while. There's a lot of things going on. I just need to breathe for a bit."

"I understand, but let's stay for just a while longer and then we can leave, just till after the toasts."

"No... I'm not hungry, and I don't want to drink anything. Please, go back. Enjoy it. I will find you later," Bucky replies and turns to walk away.

"Is it because _he_ is not here?"

Bucky spins around, confused. "Who? Steve? He will be back soon, Sam says he is just making a few calls-"

"James, I know this is hard, but listen, we can work through it, you and me, together."

"I know, it's not that..." Bucky isn't sure how to put his thoughts into a coherent line. He looks at Elethu, sighing. He might as well come clean. "Do you know there is a rumour about us, about us being the next couple to get married?"

Elethu frowns but doesn't look like it's bothering him. "So? I think Rudzani made a joke... It's just talking. Pay no heed.”

"Elethu, it's not, people could get the wrong idea!"

"How would that be wrong?"

"Because we're not there, Elethu. It's added pressure."

"Maybe not now, but who knows what the future holds. We can take our time."

Bucky sighs and can feel the uneasiness in his heart, the heavy feeling in his stomach. What happened to _slow_?

"Elethu, I'm not sure if I will ever get to the point of marrying someone. I'm still trying to take it day by day. A few months ago I was still a wreck, in a really really bad place... Where I am, at the moment, is good enough for now. I can't take this, I can't and won't add more to my plate."

"What about me? About us?”

"We both decided to take it slow and see where it goes, right? This is a bit-"

"James, _I'm not him._ I'm not going to hurt you or leave you," Elethu interrupts, making Bucky still.

"What? I know that, I'm talking about me."

"It’s okay to be scared."

"I know. Trust me, I know it's okay to be scared."

"So why is the idea of commitment so bad?"

“Because I’m not ready! I know everyone has this idea about time now, about seizing the moment, but I had enough time, enough time fuckery to actually step back and take it as it comes. I’m not rushing into anything. I did that once, got burned, got an addiction out of it, too.” Bucky's voice is quiet, but hard. He came a long way and can’t afford to ruin his progress. He _can’t_.

“James-”

“Listen, this is supposed to a be a happy day, filled with celebration. Let’s… You go back and enjoy it. I need to be alone. To recharge, to get my mind sorted. Please, we can discuss it later, we can get some dinner and talk, just, please, I just need to go,” Bucky nearly begs.

Elethu breathes deeply, his shoulders sagging. It's quiet for a moment, no one saying anything. Bucky looks away to see Sam and Wanda looking at them from where they're sitting - they must have picked up something, and since Bucky and Elethu are standing some distance away, this really isn’t helping. He's watched enough movies to know it doesn’t look good from that point of view.

“Okay, but call me if you need me, okay?” Elethu concedes.

Bucky immediately feels immense relief. “I will. Thank you.”

“James-”

“I’ll see you later, we can talk then,” Bucky interrupts.

They give each other small pained smiles, before Elethu turns around and walks back to the reception while Bucky goes the other way. The conversation keeps playing in his mind. He makes it halfway back to his rooms, then he stops.

He wants to be alone, really alone… no potential of other people. Definitely no memories of kissing, laughing, dancing, having sex with-

He needs a place he feels comfortable. There is only one. Changing direction, he goes into the fields. The uphill walk is slow but familiar - it feels like he walked this path a few weeks ago, not several years. The lake is still the same, serene and quiet, a few birds standing on its shore line, drinking water. Soft waves breaking against small grass. How many nights did he lay here and listen to the water, letting it soothe him?

He looks inland and, there. The remains are still visible - the round foundation that once was a hut, a home, now in ruins. The roof is gone, half the walls broken away. Nature has started to reclaim the area, a few shrubs and plants growing around and inside. Next to the once-hut is a pile of wooden sticks, the only remnant of a pen that once held goats…

It’s gone, all gone.

Bucky feels sad. Nostalgic. One day he woke up, made coffee, and then…

Speaking of which, he wonders how many of his things are still there.

Slowly, he makes his way to the hut and walks inside. A few of his belongings lie scattered around. A few books, now only mouldy heaps of paper and moss. The sink is brown with mud and soil, the dishrack somewhere in a corner, a spider’s mansion. The mug he drank coffee from the morning he left is still in the sink, brown with stains; and it looks like it's also a nest. That’s sad, it was one of his favourites. Steve gave it to him after-

The table is overturned, one chair broken, the other on its side. Half the shelves are gone. Nature wasn’t kind to his small home. The only home he had in this brilliant future world. Sighing deeply, he wonders what is left of his bedroom. Slowly, he turns around and freezes, his foot still in the air before he slowly puts it down; the floor creaks, something obviously breaking even further.

His bed is still standing, the frame strong, though the metal rusted. The mattress is ruined and shredded, but still on top of the frame. The pillows have long scattered around, the blanket on top is ripped and hardly recognizable. But it's still there, messy but obviously still sturdy, because there's a person sitting there. His eyes are red, dry tear tracks on his cheeks, his face pale. Old wrinkly hands holding a bowl, or what used to be one. There's a small book lying on the bed - one of his journals, ones he used trying to remember his previous life.

Bucky looks into the pale sky-blue eyes.

“Hi, Buck.”

“Steve?”

* * *

Obstacles and challenges are part of life, you can't have the good and not take the risks of a struggle somewhere. Being strong is sometimes more than just muscles and a hard punch.

[image quote saying] Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when the storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome:   
"Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you."  
Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo 

#thecountofmontecristo #keeponkeepingon _@MynameisBucky_


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everyone knows?" he asks, his voice hard.  
> "Yes, they've been adamant that I tell you, but I couldn't, I didn't want to rush you, make you contact me-"  
> "What the fuck, Steve!" Bucky yells and tries to take deep breaths.  
> "Buck-"  
> "No!" Bucky yells and stands up, his fists clenched. He walks till he's standing close to Steve, his finger pointing at him. "You could have told me, I wouldn't have felt pressured into talking to you. I deserved to know!"

* * *

* * *

10 Nov 2024

Bucky and Steve stare at each other, trying to figure out how to move forward... how to begin a conversation that won’t be awkward. Bucky is the first to break the silence.

"What are you doing here? Sam said you were making a few calls; the signal is the same there as here..." Bucky says as he picks up a chair. Taking the table cloth he finds on the floor, he tries to wipe some of the dirt off.

"Try this," Steve offers and Bucky notices that he's holding his old feather duster out to him. Bucky takes it and tries again. Much better.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Sitting down, Bucky looks at Steve. "So..."

"I needed some space, some time alone. I started walking and it turns out this is the path my feet knew best."

Bucky nods and looks away. His heart aches for his home, lost now. He loved it here. "How's the compound?"

"Good, still standing. Friday is uploaded and keeping watch, everything is online..."

"That's good."

"Why are _you_ here?"

Bucky looks at Steve. "I needed some space, some time alone. I started walking and it turns out this is the path my feet knew best."

Steve tilts his head, trying to understand, sees the look in Bucky's eyes and bursts out laughing. Bucky follows.

The laughter dies off quickly, though.

"Why are you really here, Steve? You can't have missed this hut," Bucky asks, leaning back more comfortably against the chair, folding one leg over the other.

Steve looks down to the bowl.

"I remember... The first time you cooked when me and Sam stayed over, you made this meal, with maize porridge and meat. Sam and I were sceptical, I mean - porridge and meat? But you dished it out in these bowls, and we couldn't get enough. We had seconds and you were smiling that secret smug smile, you knew you got us, got us good. Sam was so impressed, but he kept saying he was doing it because it made you feel better, looking after us, and you snorted but kept quiet as he refilled his bowl. He enjoyed the food. Whenever we got a mission and had to go back, he would tell Natasha about this meal, hoping you'd make it again. And you always did."

Bucky's eyes are downcast. He remembers it. It's a good memory, a fond one. He'd always cooked and made sure Steve didn't go hungry. Even in the war, he would make sure Steve got a bit extra, even when he struggled himself - the serum enhanced him too, but he didn’t know that yet. He suspected, but would find other ways to get some extra food in. The chain smoking also kept the hunger pains tolerable. In Wakanda... He was glad to be of use when they visited, to be able to feed them from his little farm and his little fire and oven, all by himself.

"So..." Bucky prods.

"I missed this hut, even when I went back; the fire outside, the lake, the animals, the joking around, the way Sam would snore on the couch, you and me scrambling to not fall off this bed... I think- I know that for those two years we were on the run, the best of it was here, with you. The best time since I woke up in the ice was here, with you," Steve answers, directly and openly, his voice thick.

Bucky closes his eyes and wraps his hands together. How can Steve say things like that? Doesn’t he know? Not to mention, the bed- he offered to sleep on the floor, Steve refused, he said if Bucky slept on the floor, so would he. He was used to sleeping next to Steve, since childhood, since before he knew what his feelings meant. Some nights that was hard, so hard, but he did it, took the scraps that he could get. Didn’t think he was worth more.

"Steve-"

"You asked, and I wasn't going to lie. My feet still remember the path, and I miss this hut, I've missed it for so many years. After the- when Thanos won- and everyone was gone... I came here, but it was empty, so empty and cold, even though the weather was warm... Everything was cold, people were screaming, crying, panicking, I- I- I switched off and Natasha brought me here, to regroup, to breathe, but I couldn't, it was like the asthma was back... I run out, fell on the ground... I broke your three legged pot, the one you- you cooked those meals in… It was empty, like everything else. We walked back, it was quiet, so quiet and empty... Everywhere, everything was empty. This emptiness became a character in my head, a shadow, every time I closed my eyes, I saw you, I heard your voice, calling to me... And once again I didn't hold on. I couldn't hold you when you fell, looking at me for help, looking to me to save you. My entire life I looked to you to hold me, to save me and you _did_ , and when it was you that needed me, I couldn't. It blurred together, your fall and your... fading away... Me and Natasha went back to the States and then it became a survival thing. I was good with surviving, not so much with living…" Steve trails off, his eyes blurry again, his voice thick.

Taking a breath, he looks back at Bucky who's looking at him, his eyes filled with tears.

"Your hut may have been your home, but it became mine too, and it was because you were in it. I would take the Brooklyn flat and this hut over Stark tower, over the fancy Washington flat I had, any day."

Bucky’s voice is gruff, as he replies. "That may be... But you still left, you got a house and a picket fence, you got screaming kids and a house full of laughter. That beats this hut, hands down. You still got the best in the end."

Steve bites down on his lips and nods. "I did."

Bucky isn't ready for this conversation, he isn't ready to talk about it. He came here to get away from it all, now he is face to face with Steve and he still hasn't asked what is wrong. They skipped from emails straight to face to face discussion of their issues.

"I never blamed you for it, Steve."

"I know... I remember, you blamed yourself for thinking you had a right to think you're-"

"Yeah, about that video..." Bucky interrupts. "I’m sorry you had to see that. What I did, when I went back... no one was supposed to know."

"You succeeded."

"I did."

"Out there, there is a Steve who woke up and never met you again, never found you."

"Out there, there is a Bucky who was never turned into a nightmare, a mindless killer,” Bucky counters furiously. “Who wasn't tortured for 70 years, ripped apart and apart and put together again and again with electric shocks and trigger words. I prefer my perspective, no offence."

Steve gives a nod and looks back at the bowl. Bucky takes a breath and runs his hands through his hair. He's tired, and it isn't even midday.

"Why did you come here?” Steve asks. “Isn't Elethu going to wonder where you are?"

"He knows that I needed to get away, to get some time alone. It was all a bit overwhelming. This was the only place I knew I could be alone without... prying eyes and constant company."

"And I messed it up for you."

"It's okay, honestly I'd rather take you over... them," Bucky replies, waving his hand towards the palace.

"Elethu is a good man, he looks like he really loves you."

"Hmm, yeah... I think I just messed that up."

"What? Why?" Steve asks, concerned.

Bucky's face contorts into a half smile, a grimace, as he points to his head. "Messed up head, remember? Sooner or later the PTSD and the paranoia always come out to say hi."

"I'm sure it will all work out. He also has his own problems, doesn't he? He was one of us who stayed behind, he will understand, and you will be okay. Every couple has its up and downs, the trick is to communicate. I learned that the hard way," Steve offers, trying to keep his voice steady. He's learned a lot the hard way.

"Steve..."

Steve sighs deeply, looking into Bucky’s eyes. "There's something I should tell you, now that we are on the subject of communication."

Bucky narrows his eyes. Is Steve going to tell him what's going on, or is he trying to change the subject? "Okay?"

"Before you get mad... I didn't want to tell you because I didn't and don't want to pressure you into talking to me. I wanted to try and mend our friendship because you _wanted_ to, not because you _had_ to. I said, on your terms."

"That doesn't sound good. What's going on?"

"A couple of months ago I had a health scare. Basically my heart strings, ligaments or whatever, stopped working, causing my left ventricle to expand and drop. It's all big words, but I was rushed to the hospital and was admitted for a week. My recuperation isn't as fast as the doctors would like it to be, it was supposed to heal in month, but there’s been complications. Shuri offered to help me, my treatments start tomorrow."

Bucky stares and stares. Fuck, this day just isn't done messing with him. He was right, Steve's ill, his heart, since childhood it's always been his fucking heart. The man with a plan, known for his heart...

"Everyone knows?" he asks, his voice hard.

"Yes, they've been adamant that I tell you, but I couldn't, I didn't want to rush you, make you contact me-"

"What the fuck, Steve!" Bucky yells and tries to take deep breaths.

"Buck-"

"No!" Bucky yells and stands up, his fists clenched. He walks till he's standing close to Steve, his finger pointing at him. "You could have told me, I wouldn't have felt pressured into talking to you. I deserved to know!"

"I know, Buck, I'm-"

"Don't say sorry... I don't want to hear it. What treatment!? Is it bad? Will it heal?"

"Yes. It will, with the right medication it will."

"But you said it's slow?"

"Yes, the doctors said there is no set timeline, but usually it should have improved more than it already has." Steve knows there's no way he can tell Bucky that it's his own fault, the pain of what he did to Bucky. That knowing the depth of his betrayal keeps him from getting better.

"And Shuri can help?"

"Yes, she said there's a treatment and it's still just a trial, but I said I don't care, I'm willing to do it. Some machine or something, I’m not sure of the specifics.”

"Of course you want to try it, never able to back out from being a science experiment," Bucky bites out bitterly. "Shame we can't call Howard or Peggy to egg you on... maybe the kids though?" he spits and turns around, storming out of the hut.

Steve wants to say something, anything, but he's too shocked, too stunned at the bitter tone, the ugly remark, to say anything. He knows Bucky is right - Bucky would've tried to stop him, to reason with him, whereas Peggy and Howard egged him on. Bucky did say that Steve and Peggy were the same, wanted the war, the front lines, to hell with the rest....

He gets up to run after Bucky - he can see his shadow close to the lake. He takes a few steps then stops, his chest aching, his breaths shallow. He got up too quickly. The walk down here already tired him out.

"Bu-" he tries. Bucky doesn’t hear, or if he does, he doesn’t let on. Steve’s face contorts into a grimace. It really hurts to breathe. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he tries to move to the foot end of the bed; his jacket is laying on top of it. He had some meds in there, his inhaler...

His feet scuffle forward, bumping into a cooking pot, causing it to roll over to the side and hit against metal bed frame. The clash is loud.

Bucky hears and storms back in. His hair is a mess and his eyes red rimmed - he probably cried in anger, or frustration.

“Don’t kick- Steve?!” Bucky comes to a stop, seeing Steve struggling to breathe, reaching for his jacket. “Steve, fuck, what do you need?!” he asks frantically as rushes to Steve.

Steve's hands are shaking too much, so Bucky takes the jacket from him and searches it, finding the inhaler in the inside pocket. Removing the lid, he holds it to Steve’s mouth. Steve doesn’t fight him - instead, he places his hands on Bucky’s arm to steady himself as he uses the inhaler.

Bucky’s other arm, the metal one, is around his back, holding him upright. It's still an ingrained move, his body reacting without a thought. A default setting, holding Steve as he tries to breathe.

“That’s it… Deep breaths. Fuck, you make me so angry… What-”

“Is… kay… I'mmm okay…” Steve replies once he's stable enough. Bucky slowly lets go and Steve feels the instant loss.

“I’m sorry, that was out of line,” Bucky apologizes, and Steve waves it away.

“You had every right; besides, it was a fact. You were always the only one keeping me in line and in check,” Steve replies, standing upright and trying to breathe as deep as he could. Bucky clears his throat and steps away, bending down to see what Steve kicked over, using it as an excuse to stay close. It's a pot, dirty but still intact. Bucky picks it up and puts it on the bed.

“We- I should call Shuri, tell her about this.” Bucky pulls out his phone.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to-”

“I’m still angry at you, very angry, so I’m going to ignore your bullshit and call Shuri,” Bucky retorts and starts dialling.

_“White Wolf?”_

“Shuri… Steve just had a setback or something, he struggled to breathe, he clutched his chest and used the inhaler thing. He looks better now though, what should I do?” Bucky pulls the phone away as he hears some Xhosa expletives. Even Steve hears it and groans.

_“Bring him to the lab! Will he make it? Where are you anyhow, should I send someone?”_

Bucky turns around to face Steve. “Will you make it to the lab, or should I call for help?”

Steve stares at Bucky with indignation. “I can make it.”

“Captain Stubborn here says he will make it. I will call you once we’re at the palace. See you soon,” Bucky replies and hangs up before Shuri can asks more questions. He knows she's dying to know where they are, and he doesn’t feel like telling.

He puts the phone back in his pocket and picks up one of the wooden poles lying close by. He hands it to Steve. “Come on, lean on that, I will take the other side,” Bucky holds out his arm for Steve to take.

“Buck-”

“Come on, let’s get you sorted out, we can talk later.”

Shuri's waiting for them once they reach the palace. She doesn’t say anything as Bucky helps Steve inside, towards her lab, and starts to switch her machines on.

“So, eager to start your treatment?” she asks instead, once Steve's back on the familiar bed. Bucky's standing with his back to the wall, his arms folded. He's still very angry.

Steve sighs and looks at her. “I’m sorry I took you away from the celebration. The inhaler worked well enough, I’m just tired.”

“Your blood pressure is too low. Your oxygen levels are low, and your pulse too high…” Shuri replies and pulls a small translucent tube from one of the drawers. “Here, you know how to use a cannula, right?”

Steve nods and wraps the tube around his ears and under his nose. Shuri opens a canister and a swishing sound is heard as the oxygen starts to flow.

“Okay, so Bucky knows now, about you-”

“The heart condition, yeah,” Steve interrupts. ”And that you will give me treatment.”

Shuri narrows her eyes as Steve says ‘condition’, like he doesn’t want to use the exact name. She glances to Bucky who's looking down - he's listening, intently, he just obviously doesn’t want to look at them.

“Okay, yes, so, there's some complications. The machine, as I said, is a prototype.”

“What does it do?” Bucky asks, the first thing he's said since they came in. Shuri tenses her shoulders and Bucky looks at her, closing his eyes and letting his crossed arms fall to his sides. “It’s that machine, right, the one I saw?”

“Yes.”

“You said it will cure all major diseases.”

“Potentially,” Shuri hedges.

“How does it work?”

“It…” she trails off, before squaring her shoulders. “It's based on the same algorithm Dr. Banner used when they went to get the Infinity Stones.”

Steve’s eyes widen in surprise - he clearly didn’t know that.

Bucky's eyes are shooting daggers. “It uses time travel.”

“No!” Shuri quickly interrupts.

“You said-”

“Bucky, listen. It uses the concept, but not the actual time travel. In short, the algorithms are used to determine the damaged cells, to identify the paths they take in the body and where they may potentially go. Then the machine uses that, with an enhanced liquid cell complex to repair the cells. To revert them back to their original state. According to Dr. Banner’s findings, before the algorithm was corrected time moved _through_ an object or person, not the other way around. It's based on that. We aim to revert the cells to before they were damaged, in effect curing the patient.”

The men stare at her in shock and amazement. Steve remembers it, he remembers Scott as a baby, he just didn’t realize that it could be adapted to such a major medical breakthrough.

“You can cure cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer’s…” Steve whispers.

“Yes, that’s the plan, the idea. But, as I said, it's only a prototype, I have no idea of its long-term effects, of whether it will actually work. It works in smaller cases, like the common cold, and muscle spasms, which is why I think it will help you. Your heart is just a muscle.”

“True. I'm willing to try it,” Steve says. Bucky snorts and folds his arms before turning away. “Bucky-”

Bucky spins back around and looks at them. “I’m okay! I’m... okay, I'm not okay, but I will be, I just… Today’s been a challenge, my plate is a bit full. I understand the concept, I do, I like it, I just-”

“I know,” Shuri whispers, walking close to him. Anything with the machine and time and cells is a sensitive subject for him.

Bucky nods, swallowing deeply. He looks back at her. “You’re going to start tomorrow?”

“His first appointment is at eight.”

“I’m going to be here, with him,” he turns to Steve. “With you. Got it?”

Steve is surprised at that. He can see Bucky's upset with the whole idea, and they still have a lot to talk about. He's, selfishly, glad and grateful that Bucky will be here - he was, and continues to be, a bit scared with the whole thing.

“Okay, if Steve says it’s okay,” Shuri caves.

Bucky looks to Steve, who gives him a wry smile. “I’d appreciate it, Buck.”

Bucky nods and relaxes his arms, as much as he can. He swallows a couple of times, and Shuri reaches for his hands.

“If you need to go, go, I will stay here with him. I will call Sam to help him to his room, you look like an energy drink buzzing in a shot glass. I will take care of him.”

Bucky looks at her, trying to convey his emotions, his gratitude. He looks towards Steve. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Okay.” Steve smiles weakly.

Bucky nearly runs out of the lab, and Shuri and Steve share a concerned look.

* * *

((Journal entry, the start of one))

“Storms draw something out of us that calm seas don’t.” Bill Hybels

I don’t know what this storm is trying to tell me, I just know that I may not be ready. I need to be. Tomorrow, Steve needs me, or wants me to be there, but can I? Am I strong enough? What are my feelings for him? Where do my mind and my heart fit into this? I just know that this is changing me, something about _this_ storm, about Steve’s illness, is revealing parts of myself I thought I overcame. Calm seas made me placid, fooled me into feeling safe. I don’t think I'm meant to be safe. This storm is too revealing.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What should I do?" Bucky asks, his voice soft, helpless.  
>  _"Where are you now?"_ Sam asks, already moving, the sounds softer. He's already some distance away from the party.  
> "My room."  
>  _"I'm on my way."_  
>  "Shuri might call you to fetch Steve at the lab, he is getting oxygen or something."  
>  _"Okay, I'm on my way to you now, let's take it from there."_  
>  "You should enjoy the day."  
>  _"I should be with my friend."_

10 Nov 2024

Shuri and Steve watch as Bucky nearly runs out of the lab. He put on a very good show, a mask of being okay with everything, but both could see he's affected by the day’s events. Shuri knows something happened, he left early and Elethu didn’t look too happy, either. She just knows that Rudzani has something to do with it. Well, some of it. Whatever happened between Steve and him also played a big role. Tonight she's going to be on the group chat - their brother needs to be looked after.

“He'll be okay, right?” Steve asks softly, afraid to break the tension in the room.

Shuri turns to him. “Yes, I believe he will be. Today must have been terrible for him, so many emotions and adrenaline, then whatever happened at the hut…” she trails off, leaving the room for him to go on.

Steve takes a deep breath. “I told him that I went to his hut after the… the Snap, and- and you were all gone, and we lost, and we didn’t know if you were dead, or… and it was so quiet, and the hut was so empty without him… I went there again, this morning. I missed the hut, I missed how I used to feel when I was at the hut. Before…”

“With him?” Shuri asks softly. Steve nods. “Steve…” Shuri looks down to see his hands clasped together, old and full of age spots. The nails look a bit blue. She touches them and they're cold. Bad blood circulation.

“I bet the treatment would work for these old hands too…” Steve muses.

“Yes. It will, certainly.” Shuri sees a small white line where the ring used to be - it's almost completely faded away. “You don’t wear your ring anymore.”

“I’m a widower,” Steve responds, turning his hands palms are up.

“Did you take it off because-” Shuri tries again, but Steve is stubborn.

“My wife is dead, for nearly eight years now. It was time. I should have done it a long time ago.”

“Steve.”

“Don’t. Not tonight, please,” Steve begs softly and Shuri lets it go.

Standing up, she looks at his stats. “I will call Sam.”

“Thank you.”

Bucky runs all the way back to his room.

Once there, he closes the door behind him, locking it shut. Today hasn't been a good day, in any way. Not for him. It started out perfectly well, breakfast with friends, a beautiful wedding ceremony and then… slam dunk, shit hit the fan, a spectacular mess.

First that comment about him and Elethu, which he really really doesn’t want to think about now, then the talk at the hut, which he doesn’t want to think about even more. Then the whole condition thing…

Steve has a heart problem - well, he's always had one - but now... It will take Steve away. It will kill him. It's just a matter of time now. Time, again, screwing with Bucky. Complications... What does that even mean?

Steve was supposed to get better, but it's taking too long, and Shuri has a weird ass machine that can heal practically anything...

God, he really is losing Steve all over again, isn't he? And this time, he won't come back. Bucky will be the last one, the man with 100 years of memory and no one to share it. No one to confirm whether it happened or not.

It's so unfair, so fucking unfair... but Bucky knows better than to expect anything good to happen to him.

What about Elethu? Do they still have a relationship? Can they work it out, or is this too much? He isn't ready for marriage or anything serious beyond what they have now... But would that be enough? Elethu is a serious man. He has an amazing sense of humour, but at the end of the day, he plans ahead, he likes things to be sorted out, a clear idea of where he is going. Bucky can't say the same. Maybe a few years- a few decades ago, but not now. Now he just wants to take a day as it comes, live it fully and then wait for the next one.

He still doesn't even know what condition Steve has. It wasn’t a heart attack, it's a 'condition'...

Meaning what?

Moving to his fridge, he gets a bottle of water. He hasn't had anything to drink since this morning. Or to eat, either, but he really isn't hungry now.

Sitting at the kitchen table, he opens his laptop and starts to search, typing away.

 _'heart condition'_ 501 000 000 results

"Fuck no."

 _'left ventricle not working'_ 29 900 000 results

"Nope..."

 _'heart strings broken'_ 25 900 000

"Better. What…?”

The first result is quite telling. _‘Is broken heart syndrome real?’_ His eyes skim over the page until a phrase jumps out at him.

" _Is broken heart syndrome real or a myth... Also known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy_... Huh," Bucky reads aloud and clicks on the link.

_'Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a weakening of the left ventricle, the heart's main pumping chamber, usually as the result of severe emotional or physical stress, such as a sudden illness, the loss of a loved one, a serious accident, or a natural disaster such as an earthquake. That's why the condition is also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy, or broken-heart syndrome. The main symptoms are chest pain and shortness of breath.'_

Bucky sits back against the chair. "What the fuck, sudden stress? What, as if waking 70 in the future isn't enough? Or living a full life? What could have been so sudden and bad, or traumatic..? You lived a traumatic life Steve... Frozen, aliens, intergalactic war, nothing special happened when you came back," Bucky talks to himself as he continues to read.

He continues on to a new page.

_'But about 1 in 10 patients with broken-heart syndrome experience cardiogenic shock, a life-threatening complication in which the heart suddenly cannot pump enough blood to meet the body's needs.'_

Bucky stops reading, his fists clenching and relaxing.

Complications...

Steve said he has complications...

Does this mean... Is he going to die sooner? Does Bucky have even less time than he thought?

Is he going to lose Steve for real, forever, soon?

With shaky hands and shallow breaths, Bucky tries to understand what he's reading, to understand what's going on. What does this mean?

On top of that... Everyone knew about it, but Steve felt too guilty to tell him. Because he was afraid that Bucky would contact him out of guilt, and not because he was ready. Steve has a point, if Bucky's to be completely honest about it. But where does it leave them?

Will they be friends again before Steve dies?

Do his children know?

Bucky isn't sure what to do. He does know he needs to do something, or talk to someone. Someone to talk some sense into him, to make all the questions go away, focus on what to do, instead of what to think. Pulling out his phone, he starts to type.

_Broken heart syndrome?_

No…

_What complications?_

No…

_How long does he have?_

The reply is immediate. Sam doesn't answer, instead he calls. Bucky answers straight away.

_"Barnes?"_

He can hear music and laughter in the background.

"How long does he have?"

 _"He told you?"_ Sam takes a moment to breathe before continuing. _"We don't know. The medication is helping and Shuri says her treatment can’t be compared to what is currently out there. It will help. He will always need to take medication and go for regular check-ups. Did he tell you today?"_

"Yeah... just 'a condition', so I Googled it. Broken heart syndrome? How did he manage that?"

_"Barnes-"_

Bucky goes right over him. "Possible causes... sudden stress, sudden trauma, certain medications... Stress? He lived a long life filled with trauma, he fought bullies twice his size when he was five years old, he spent 70 years in the ice, he fought aliens, he fought an intergalactic war. He buried his wife, twice, what the hell was so traumatic that his heart decided to take a break now, all of a sudden?"

The line is quiet. What do you say to that? The only one who could answer was Steve, but how to tell Bucky that.

"What should I do?" Bucky asks, his voice soft, helpless.

 _"Where are you now?"_ Sam asks, already moving, the sounds softer. He's already some distance away from the party.

"My room."

_"I'm on my way."_

"Shuri might call you to fetch Steve at the lab, he is getting oxygen or something."

_"Okay, I'm on my way to you now, let's take it from there."_

"You should enjoy the day."

_"I should be with my friend."_

Hanging up, Sam rushes to Bucky's room. Bucky opens before Sam could knock, he's heard him coming from a distance.

Sam gives him an obvious look over, seeing the exhaustion in his red eyes, the messy hair and tension in his shoulders. "Okay, tell me what happened after you left our table."

Sitting on the couch, Bucky starts to tell him everything. The fight with Elethu, the hut, the talk with Steve, then the _fight_ with Steve, what happened at the lab.

When he finishes, Sam sits forward, shaking his head. "Man, you really had a shitty day, and I must say, you're handling it very well."

"Doesn't feel like it."

"Well, you are."

Bucky gives him a tired smile. "Thanks."

"So, how angry are you at Steve, and what do you think about the rumour Elethu's sister started?"

"I'm quite angry, but I understand why Steve did it, I do. In his way, he was respecting me and my decision to do things my way. I said I would contact him when I was ready, and he respected that, so... I will be okay. I will. I said I will be there tomorrow, for the first treatment. I... I want to see it through, with him, you know? Maybe we can be on speaking terms, or friendlier... Not friends, not like before, but- I miss him, Sam, I miss my friend Steve. And I had to mourn him, he isn't dead, but I had to mourn him. The role he had in my life, the friendship, it was the most important relationship in my life, and it's gone. But he isn't dead, and I need to build something new now, with _this_ Steve, and forget or push aside the other one."

"That's actually very wise and very deep."

"I pay attention in therapy, or paid… When I had to go, now it’s just talks with friends," Bucky offers, causing Sam to laugh softly.

"And..?"

"I'm angry about the rumour, but I think it's more of a frustration about not being in control of the situation and the results of the comment. I had no control for a very long time and I know this isn't even close to that, but she hardly knows me, except what she probably heard, what _he_ told her. I get little sisters, I do, but it feels like she violated my decisions, if I can put it like that."

"In a way, she did. She didn't talk to you first, and that comment, innocent as it may be, found its way to other people. The new queen basically congratulated you on something you didn't even consider."

"I never even thought of marriage, you know? Not back then, I couldn't. It was illegal, and when I got my head back, I was too messed up, concentrating on getting better. Then everything happened and I relapsed, so badly. Now I'm just... living, day to day, focusing on getting better. Commitment like that... I'm in no way anywhere near ready, plus what about when I go back? What if I become an active fighter again, an Avenger? How's that going to work? You guys need me there, I know I'm here on borrowed time."

"That's all valid questions, but before you start to worry about that part of your future, you need to focus on _now_. First, you need to talk to Elethu, about this, about how you feel, so you can move forward. Second, this thing with Steve, take it the same way you did your recovery. Day by day, moment by moment, and try not to analyse everything too deeply, no matter how tempting it is," Sam advises Bucky, knowing he is listening intently. The silence is broken by Sam's phone beeping. He looks to it. "It's Shuri, she wants me to come to the lab."

"Go, I will be okay. Go help Steve, I run out, wasn't much use when I was there."

"Understandable. You going to be okay?"

"Yeah... Going to read some more and then I probably need to talk to Elethu. We'll see. I will be up early tomorrow, to take Steve for his treatment."

"Okay, see you later. I'm going to call you, okay?"

"Okay."

Sam isn’t keen on leaving Bucky alone, but he can see that even upset, he's still clear headed enough. He really is not having a good day... but then again, something like this was bound to happen. The only spanner in the works at this point is Elethu.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, they were close, had a solid foundation. Maybe they got caught in the freshness of their relationship, like all new couples do - eventually some things get pushed to the side or don't get as much attention as they should. Like communication, real communication, some emotions that can upset the equilibrium, the tone of the relationship.

Bucky has serious issues with control and being able to make his own decisions, and he has every right to have them. Weddings and endorphins do strange things to people, give a rose tinted shade to most things, especially couples and their future... The comment was far too soon, but maybe Elethu didn’t tell his sisters the whole story of Bucky.

When he reaches the lab, Shuri and Steve are sitting quietly, looking over his results. Steve looks better than he did in the morning, but he's still upset, sad, hurt. Shuri looks a bit helpless - science she can do. Medicine? No problem. Decades worth of unresolved feelings? Sam doesn’t think there is anyone who can help with that, except the people directly involved.

“Hey,” he greets and walks in.

“Is Bucky okay?” both ask the same time.

Sam nods as he walks closer. “Yeah, he is fine, I was just there... Oh, he figured it out, the name, ‘broken heart syndrome’? He is perplexed on why you have it, considering the life you lead.”

Steve looks away. They all have asked that. Sam and Shuri know, but Steve… “Did you tell him?” he asks instead.

“That you watched a video of what he’s done, then the goodbye video explaining why he did that, then collapsed with a broken heart? No, I didn’t,” Sam replies.

“Thanks, Sam.” Steve looks grateful.

“He is going to figure it out, you know that, right?” Shuri asks, folding her arms.

“No, he won’t… He will think about it, but his pain, his doubt will not let him believe it,” Steve answers, still looking away as he gets up. He walks to the door before turning to Sam. “Thanks for being there for him, Sam. I know my gratitude probably doesn’t mean much to you when it comes to him, but I am.”

“I know. And you are wrong, it does mean something.”

Steve just nods and takes the branch he used to get here.

“If you need a cane, we have good ones, you don’t have to use that old goat pen pole.” Shuri exasperatedly takes it away and hands him a cane from one of the cupboards against the wall.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, so how does the hut look?”

Steve looks surprised at her. “How did you know?” he asks and she rolls her eyes, throwing her hands in the air.

“Oh, you think I don't know you? You needed to get away, you’re nostalgic, and Bucky needed to get away after his fight with Elethu. You two came in together, all dusty, dirty shoes, and, oh wait… a goat pen pole?”

Sam chuckles at her expression.

Steve just shakes his head. “He looked sad, seeing the state it was in... It’s all ruins now.”

“Yeah, nearly six years in the open will do that… Speaking of time, I should get going, my brother is about to depart for his honeymoon and I need to go say goodbye. See you all later!” Shuri throws them a smile before rushing out of the lab.

“You should also go,” Steve tries as he and Sam start to walk out, slower than Shuri.

“Nah, I said my goodbyes and gave my well wishes already. Besides, it's only a few days, they said they won’t be long, a week at most. Come on, let’s get you to your room, you also had a rough day.”

“He told you what we talked about?”

“Yes. It was some heavy stuff, but necessary, I think,” Sam answers. It was hard, but he also knows that things can and most likely will move forward now, finally improve.

“He's very angry,” Steve says quietly.

“He's allowed to.” Sam throws Steve a hard look.

“I know,” Steve agrees.

They've walked halfway to his room when he stops. “Sam, I was selfish, and everyone thought that I was allowed to, for once in my life... But the repercussions? I wasn’t in a good place, you know how difficult it was for me when we met running that morning. You were the only one who saw it, the PTSD, the unresolved issues, and you didn’t expect anything except to be a friend. In such a short time, you've become my best friend, the second real friend in my entire life. Bucky was always the first, the only one, and then... you. And for a few years I had you both back, and it was the best years of my life in this new world, and then I lost you both. I was programmed to survive, to fight, but when an opportunity arose to get away, I took it. I was blindsided by the idea of a whole life in five seconds, I never once stopped to think what it meant. What it entailed. I am sorry, so sorry, about what I've done to you and to him, and I will try my absolute best to use the little time I have left to make it up to you.”

Sam keeps his eyes locked on Steve as they both struggle with their emotions. Finally, he swallows deeply, his eyes bright. “I know. Thank you.”

Steve pats Sam’s hand and they start to walk again. When they pass Bucky’s door, both stare a moment before quietly walking past.

Back in Bucky’s room, he's reading more about the syndrome and what to do from there on. His anger has subsided and now he's filled with sadness, with something he can’t identify. He wants to scream and he wants to run and he wants to hide.

Sam's hardly left when there's a knock on his door. It can only be one person. He opens the door for Elethu to come in.

“Hey.”

“James… you never called.”

“I know, a lot's happened and I’m just trying to hang on. I talked to Steve-”

“I should’ve known.”

Bucky frowns and pulls a face. “What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You say something happened, he doesn’t return after the ceremony, and then you leave. A few hours later Shuri rushes off, then Sam… Did you find out what is going on?”

“Yeah… He has a heart condition, he was hospitalized back in the States for it. The progress is slow, and he will need permanent medical care,” Bucky explains as they both sit down, Bucky on the love seat, Elethu on the sofa opposite.

“I’m sorry. He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he actually respected my wishes, didn’t want to pressure me into contacting him. He's starting treatment tomorrow, Shuri said she can help him, maybe even heal him fully. I want to be there with him.”

“Why?” Elethu asks, perplexed.

“Because it’s _Steve._ He's my friend and I want to be with him through this.”

“But he hurt you! Shouldn’t you focus on moving on?”

“I am, that doesn’t mean I have to abandon him when he is ill.”

“He did it to you.”

“Doesn’t matter. I miss him, I want to be there while I still have the time. I promised him, till the end of the line - well, we're not there yet.”

“What happens when he goes back? When the celebrations are over and school starts and they go back to the States, what then? Are you going to fly back and forth until he dies? That can be months or even years-”

“I will _be_ there, I have to _go back_ sometime! My stay here was always going to be temporary, you _know_ this. I have told you many times.”

“But… You have a life here, you have a future, I was hoping that maybe- seeing we could be happy would change your mind? Stay with me.”

“I need to help them, I need to go do my part. I promised Sam I will watch his back, I need to look after Wanda and Pietro. I’m part of the New Avengers Initiative… Elethu, I was always going to go back.”

“What about me, about us? About being a teacher?”

“It’s a six-month gig, I was only meant to help out.”

Elethu opens his mouth to say something but shuts it, looking away and hiding his face in his hands. “Is it because of the comment?” he asks finally, voice muffled.

“No, I told you! We talked about this, we were going to take it slow… Elethu, given enough time, I _will_ love you, I could…” Bucky tries, but trails off. He's trying to explain, but it's hard. He struggles, he's been thinking about this all day, and he needs to make sense of his thoughts. Focus on what he can do, instead of what he can’t. What he can do is be honest, with himself, with Elethu, with everyone. And as much as it hurts, it needs to be done, before the hurt gets worse.

“You just don’t want to take the risk with me, to see what we could be. Is fighting that important?” Elethu’s voice goes straight to Bucky’s gut. It's hurt. It's heartbroken. He's hurting this man in front of him, somehow with all their textbook communication, he still inflicted pain on someone. He needs to be honest, he needs to be clear.

“I need to redeem myself, for what I’ve done.” It all comes back to his past, what he should do - like Natasha said, red in the ledger. She managed to clear it, she was in the black. Bucky can only hope to be, too, one day.

“And living a good life, a quiet life, isn’t enough?”

It is, it's perfect, idyllic, but it would never last. He tried that, once. He would give everything for a life like that, but Bucky Barnes isn’t meant for that, not really... Or maybe not yet.

“I need to know that the world is safe enough for people to live a quiet life. I have the skills.”

Elethu looks at him, then stands up and starts pacing the floor. “Is that the reason, or is it because you still love him?”

“My feelings for Steve are not in question here, nor my feelings for you. I need to give back. I took too much from this world, I must try and make sure it stays safe for others, that what happened to me will never happen to anyone else, ever. I can prevent that, I want to prevent that.”

“You don’t have to fight.”

“I know, but I need to.”

“I… I think I need to be alone now, I’m going to... go. I will talk to you tomorrow, if I stay, we'll only fight and I don’t want to.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Bucky responds miserably, folding his hands together. This isn’t what he wanted.

Elethu nods and leaves without looking back, closing the door quietly.

* * *

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,  
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,  
When the funds are low and the debts are high  
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,  
When care is pressing you down a bit,  
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.  
Life is strange with its twists and turns  
As every one of us sometimes learns  
And many a failure comes about  
When he might have won had he stuck it out;  
Don't give up though the pace seems slow—  
You may succeed with another blow.  
Success is failure turned inside out—  
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,  
And you never can tell just how close you are,  
It may be near when it seems so far;  
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—  
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 _Don't Quit_ by John Greenleaf Whittier

#keeponswimming #staystrong #neverbackdown #althoughitishard _@mynameisbucky_

You are so strong. You make a setback a step up. _@RedWispsOfAir_


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve sits down, unbuttoning his shirt so he's lying in his undershirt and slacks. Bucky uses all his skills to keep his face neutral. He knew Steve was old, it was a fact; the hands and face were a giveaway, but now... His body, it's so loud and clear. The arms are void of tight muscles that used to cord them, only small indentions in their place; old frail skin, dry elbows and wrinkles spreading from underneath the armpits. His shoulders are small, the broadness gone. Where once there was a six-pack across his abdomen, visible even through clothes, now there's a small bump and soft pale skin. He's old… Bucky’s brain knew it, but his eyes... his heart...  
> So fucking unfair.

11 Nov 2024

* * *

((Journal entry, the start of one))

I don't understand. I'm feeling a little bit... on edge. I feel as if things are happening a little too fast for me too keep up. In a way, it's not bringing me down, it's not drowning me, I just want to know how to deal with it. I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to stay ahead, but maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should slow down and deal with it at a pace I'm comfortable with? Things will happen regardless, the only thing I can control is my response. I need to deal with one thing at a time, and give it my full attention. Tomorrow Steve is getting his first treatment, and Shuri is very optimistic. I'm not angry that everyone knows about it, I understand why they did it. Even Steve.

I just hope that maybe I can somehow reconnect, have some type of relationship with Steve. If he can be more healthy, if we can... Can I get my friend back, in a capacity that can benefit us both? More importantly, benefit _me_?

* * *

Bucky keeps his promise and 7:30 the next morning he knocks on Steve's door. Steve opens immediately.

"Bucky, you came?" Steve can't keep the surprise out of his voice.

"Said I would." Bucky shrugs

"I know, but- never mind, do you want coffee?"

"Just had, thanks. Did you have a good breakfast, or do you still need to eat?”

"Yes, we can go."

"Okay."

They start to walk back to the lab, Steve using the cane Shuri provided. Bucky is walking close to him, on his right, to steady him... it feels weird. Everything is weird these days.

Steve wants to ask him about Elethu. If they are okay now. He wants to ask about Bucky's feelings, how he's coping. He wants to know if Bucky's still so angry at him. He wants to talk about so much, but he doesn't know if he can. If it's allowed.

Right next to him, Bucky is having the same problem. He wants to ask about the treatment, about his general healthcare. He wants to know if his family is okay... But on the other hand, he doesn't.

Taking a breath, he glances at Steve. "Are you excited about the treatment? Think it will work?"

"Yes, Shuri and the doctor she assigned to me have given me a whole new set of medications to try. The treatment will take three days, I'm not sure what she's got planned specifically, but I know she is very optimistic about the results."

"That's good. I read that someone suffering from this will need to be closely watched for a few years, as the heart is weakened now? So..."

"So it will always be a little weaker, yes. It's like a crack in glass, can break anytime." Steve doesn't sugarcoat the situation. He's lied enough.

"Yeah... Will Shuri's machine prevent that, too?"

Steve looks at Bucky with bewilderment. "You know, I have no clue. I should ask her."

“Yeah, do that, don’t just jump head first into this,” Bucky orders as they walk into the lab.

Shuri and the doctor are already waiting for them, Steve’s medical files on the screens. The machine's been brought closer, and they both look at the thing with mixed emotions. Bucky still has a ‘thing’ against futuristic machines that alter the human body. No matter how good and amazing it sounds.

“Good morning, gentlemen,” Shuri greets them and indicates they must come closer.

“Morning, Shuri,” Steve says. Bucky just smiles a bit.

The doctor steps closer and Shuri introduces her.

“This is Dr. Barkhuizen, she is currently the leading specialist in cell therapy in Wakanda. She helped with the formulation of the Cell Repair Complex that is going to be administered during the procedure.”

“Pleasure to meet you Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes.”

“ _Mr_ Rogers, or just Steve.”

“Bucky,” they both correct and shake her hand.

“Okay, any questions before we get started?”

“Uhm, my condition, according to studies the aftercare is extremely important, right? Especially the first five years, would this take care of that?” Steve asks as he sits down, unbuttoning his shirt so he's lying in his undershirt and slacks. Bucky uses all his skills to keep his face neutral. He knew Steve was old, it was a fact; the hands and face were a giveaway, but now... His body, it's so loud and clear. The arms are void of tight muscles that used to cord them, only small indentions in their place; old frail skin, dry elbows and wrinkles spreading from underneath the armpits. His shoulders are small, the broadness gone. Where once there was a six-pack across his abdomen, visible even through clothes, now there's a small bump and soft pale skin. He's old… Bucky’s brain knew it, but his eyes... his heart... So fucking unfair.

“Oh yes, if this works, your heart will most likely be in a better condition than most of ours,” Barkhuizen replies.

“Exactly how is this going to be administered? How is the procedure going to work?” Bucky asks, standing near the machine. It even looks scary; Steve once described the machine he was in when he was changed, drew him a picture - Little Steve went in, Big Steve came out. Bucky was convinced it looked like a metal coffin, but didn’t say that. He wasn’t in one when he was the guinea pig. He would often wonder if the coffin made any difference, or was it just for dramatic effect… Did it make the serum work faster? Steve's transformation was, what, ten minutes, and Bucky's took days. Would his have been so fast if he was in a coffin?

Pushing that aside, he focuses back on the doctor.

“Well, we will first take another EKG, his blood pressure, pulse and oxygen levels. We will start with a small dose of the cell serum, monitor that, then we will use the machine. The machine uses a particular set of algorithms and laser technology to scan the body for troubled areas and focus on that part…” She turns to Steve, a wide smile on her face. “… in fact if you have any other ailments, like gout or arthritis, this will probably help that, too.”

“Sounds good, my knees aren’t what they used to be,” Steve responds with a smile.

Bucky doesn’t smile. He looks back to the doctor, his jaw clenching tight. “How long will it take?”

“About an hour, you can grab a chair if you're staying.”

Bucky nods again and pulls the chair from the nearest desk closer to the bed. “Uhm, before we begin, how exactly does the machine work?” Bucky asks, looking at the doctor. He can feel Shuri and Steve’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t care - he wants to know everything. “Is he just going to lie on this bed? Will he be strapped down?”

“Well, I said it would take about an hour, but in fact it could be much faster. Because this is trial period, we want to go slow. Steve will lay on this table, we will administer the serum complex with a syringe. Then the machine will send out a force field around him, like a bubble. It will regulate the air to a full 90% of oxygen and use a small amount of gamma rays. This will ensure the serum works as it should. It will basically reform the damaged cells. The algorithm identifies damaged cells to focus on them,” Barkhuizen explaines, calm and reassuring.

Bucky nods and looks back at Steve, who's staring at him. “Thank you,” Bucky replies, not looking away from Steve.

Barkhuizen smiles. “You’re welcome.”

“Great!” Shuri exclaims, clapping her hands together.

“Let the party begin.”

Bucky snorts and rolls his eyes. “Not a party.”

“But I ordered snacks and coffee! Even those cinnamon thingies you love!”

Bucky sighs contentedly, hearing that. “I do love those.”

She leans closer and gives his shoulder a squeeze. “Do I know how to please you, or what?”

Bucky bursts out laughing as he tries to keep his balance on the chair. Shuri keeps smiling as she makes her way back to the machines.

Bucky’s eyes catch Steve’s and hold them for a moment, before he sighs and focuses back on the machine. Steve counts that as a victory - it's the first time Bucky's looked at him with a smile. He didn’t cause it, but it wasn’t a look full of pain and anger or grief, it was… optimism. To Steve, that's a good sign.

It's quiet as Steve is being connected to the machine and cell complex is administered. They can see the path it takes through his body on the screen, straight to his heart. Shuri turns the machine on, and a crescent of light starts to shine. They can see a soft white sheet of light spreading out over Steve’s form and ending above his head. The sheet is very soft and light, almost translucent.

“You okay, Steve?” Bucky asks as Shuri and Barkhuizen check the controls and make adjustments.

“Yes, thank you.”

“You should feel a slight buzz,” Shuri says looking at Steve’s arms.

“Yes, I can feel it, it's similar to a slight current, or a shiver.”

“You’re electrocuting him?!” Bucky asks jumping up, worried.

Shuri puts her hands on his chest. “No, not at all, it’s more like a tingling feeling, right, Steve?” Shuri asks, looking to Steve over her shoulder.

“Yes, that’s right, I’m not in pain Buck, I’m okay. Really,” Steve answers.

Bucky looks in his eyes and sees only the truth. Nodding, he sits back. “Sorry.”

“No worries. So, we’re all okay?” Barkhuizen asks, stepping away from the machine and Steve. They all nod. “Okay, well, I will be back in a while to check up on you, Steve. I just need to make a few calls,” Dr Barkhuizen says before she walks to the adjoining room. Shuri goes back to her side of the lab, already typing away, leaving the two men alone.

Bucky shifts his chair a bit closer. “Does it hurt?” he finally asks after about five minutes of silence. He's run his hand through his hair a total of three times, bit down on his tongue twice before he finally spoke.

Steve's been waiting, also trying to find a way to break the silence. “No, the needle was a bit uncomfortable, but I don’t feel anything right now. Just the slight buzz,” he answers.

“Good… that’s good.”

Shuri, who occasionally glances at them, wants to scream. She isn’t busy with work at all, she's in the group chat.

* * *

Shuri: Finally, five minutes and Bucky broke the ice...

Sam: They are talking? Serious stuff or general?

Shuri: Bucky asked if the procedure is causing him pain

Wanda: He would, wouldn’t he... Did he talk to Elethu again today?

Shuri: No, he didn’t say anything, but I can see he has some serious stuff weighing on him. I can’t believe Rudzani did that, she's always been an impulsive one, no filter between brain and mouth.

Sam: It was meant innocently, I don’t think she knows the whole story

Shuri: She doesn’t. Still it could’ve come at a better time

Sam: No, this is actually perfect. The timing may be bad, but they need to sort it out before both get more committed, this will clear the air

Shuri: Their relationship might as well be over

Sam: But it will save him heartache later on

Shuri: Yeah, well…

Wanda: Do you think he and Steve will become friends again? That they'll move on?

Shuri: I think, or rather hope so. I can do only so much, science can only do so much, the rest depends on them

Sam: God, they are worse than a Shakespeare tragedy

* * *

Oblivious to being a topic of discussion, Steve and Bucky try to find ways to mend their fragile relationship. They're both tiptoeing, knowing that this is going to be hard.

“Buck?”

“Hmm?” Bucky looks up, but noise from the door interrupts him. It's one of the workers, bringing a tray with food and drinks. Bucky jumps up to get the tray, putting in on the small trolley next to the bed. “Coffee or tea?” he asks and starts to take the lids off the two plates filled with sweet and savoury snacks.

“Coffee, please,” Steve answers and watches as Bucky prepares the drink before taking a small plate and loading it with snacks.

“Here, try these, I still don’t know what they're called, but the closest I can think of is cinnabons, they're really good.”

“Ah, the way to please you, according to Shuri.” Bucky turns around to give them to Steve, then stops.

“Oh, wait, you can’t have these now… Not for another twenty minutes.” Bucky shrugs and puts it all back on the table, preparing his own plate and coffee.

“You’re going to eat the food in front of me?” Steve asks, trying to touch the field. It doesn’t budge.

“Well, these things are just amazing. Sorry, ey?” Bucky answers, sitting down and starting to eat. “Oh, wow, this is so, so good, you can feel the softness of the flour as you bite down. Not to mention the cinnamon, so perfect... They taste so good, and with this coffee… very, very nice. They compliment each other so well…” Bucky exaggerates as he eats. Shuri rolls her eyes and pulls out her phone.

Steve points a finger. “Keep it up, wait till I get off here…”

“Sure, sure, Steve… Maybe after the whole course of treatments, I will even give you a five second head start?” Bucky jokes, putting the rest of the pastry in his mouth and making a chef’s kiss with his metal hand. Shuri snickers and takes a photo. Bucky turns to her. “Don’t make it a meme!!”

“Too late… No five second head start for you, meme boy,” she replies and goes on with her work.

Bucky finishes his snack and puts the plate down before shifting the chair so it's a bit closer to Steve. “You wanted to ask me something?”

“Yeah, uhm, is everything okay now, with Elethu?” Steve asks, a bit hesitant.

Bucky takes a long breath. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so.”

“Buck, I’m sorry, there no chance…?” Steve tries, but doesn’t know how to ask, how to handle the situation.

“I don’t know… I don’t think- It wasn’t supposed to get so serious so fast. He knew this was temporary, my stay here. That I would go back to the compound and the Avengers when I was… better? And he thought…” Bucky tries to explain. He isn’t sure how to go about it. How do you explain something like this to a man you've been in love with forever, a man you are trying to rebuild a relationship with?

“He thought that you would change your mind, stay for him,” Steve guesses, feeling that particular heavy feeling in his stomach, in his heart. He wonders if it's the treatment working.

“Yeah. That somehow, love would be enough…” Bucky’s voice briefly has that old bitter tone back. It’s been a while since he used it.

Steve's quiet. He knows he should be supportive, he should not let his emotions and feelings get in the way. “And it isn’t?" he asks finally. "Maybe if things progress?”

Steve's feeling so mixed up. He knows Bucky deserves to be loved, to have someone who not only loves him, but would also respect him. And if that is Elethu, there is nothing Steve can do about it, even if it takes Bucky away from him. After all, he's the one who left.

Bucky’s reaction however, hurts a bit more. “Nah, I’m not… emotionally ready for something serious like that. Maybe a few years from now, but now… I just want to- I don’t want to rush into anything just because it is expected of me.”

“Have you told him that?”

“Yes, we had a long talk yesterday, haven’t spoken to him since. I think it's over.”

Steve looks away, happy that Bucky confided in him, but sad because Bucky is hurting again, just when it looked like he could finally be happy. His eyes catch Shuri looking at Bucky with compassion and sympathy - she's heard all of it. She looks to him, and bites down on her lip before she looks away again.

Steve can’t say anything because Barkhuizen suddenly comes back, the hour over.

“Okay, everyone still okay?”

Bucky just smiles and nods at her.

Steve starts to sit up, heedless of the forcefield. “I feel fine, a bit lightheaded, but otherwise I’m all good.”

“That’s great, let me just switch all this off, then you can get up and have your snacks.” Dr. Barkhuizen makes her way to the screens, handing Steve his shirt back. Bucky watches him pull it on, his fingers itching to help him. Instead, he focuses back on the screen. Several numbers look better already, higher than before.

“You should feel better," Dr. Barkhuizen says. "According to this, there is a 5% increase in your oxygen levels. Your white blood cells count has increased, your pulse is steadier, your heart rate is a bit more stable. You will feel a bit light-headed for a couple minutes until your body has adapted to the change. We will draw blood tonight, after the second session, and then we can determine tomorrow’s dosage.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Steve replies and steadies himself as he stands up. Bucky echoes him, reaching out and taking Steve’s arm, helping him get upright. Steve smiles in gratitude before they start to walk to the door.

“See you tonight at 8,” Shuri calls after them. Nodding, they slowly make their way out, leaving the two women alone.

Shuri walks over to the doctor and the screens, looking at the results. “This is excellent progress, especially after one session.”

Barkhuizen nods. “Yes. See, here and here… His heart rate spiked a couple times. I’m not sure what it could be - it’s not the cell complex, that would cause spikes in the cell regeneration, not the heart rate.”

Shuri points to the readout with a knowing look. “That is when Bucky was smiling at him.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.”

Steve and Bucky slowly make their way back.

“Can you feel a difference?” Bucky asks. He can already see Steve’s complexion's better.

“Yes, I fell much better, like, you know when I would get an asthma attack and after the inhaler I would be able to breathe deeper and right again?” Bucky nods. “Like that, it feels like I just had a good dose from an inhaler.”

Bucky smiles at that, relieved. “I’m glad Steve, that’s real good. So, what do you want to do with the rest of the day? It’s not even ten yet. Feel like a marathon?”

Steve bursts out laughing. “I think I won’t enter the competition anytime soon. I was thinking to just take it slow, maybe… If that’s okay with you, maybe we can just sit somewhere? Talk? Or not, I mean, if you have plans-”

“I know a place. No people, it sounds good,” Bucky interrupts.

Steve would jump if he could. Bucky didn’t push him away, he doesn’t think it was a stupid idea… He's okay spending time with him.

Steve frowns when they reach their rooms. Bucky just smiles and opens his door, leading Steve straight to the glass door on the other side of the living room. It opens to a wide green area. Steve looks out and notices that it stretches across all the rooms on this side of the palace. Small hedges separate each part, but a bit further away it's wide open. In front of Bucky’s door is a small fountain, the quiet sound of water comforting. He looks to his side to see a small table and two comfortable chairs.

“Oh, this is beautiful. Do you spend a lot of time here?”

“Nearly every morning. And every night, I would come home from school from this side, enter my room through here. It’s private and secluded. Perfect. Sit, I will go get us some ice tea.” Bucky indicates one of the chairs and goes back inside.

Steve sits down and relaxes, closing his eyes for a moment. A few minutes later Bucky comes out with a tray with two glasses and a tumbler filled with ice tea and some sliced fruit.

“I still can’t believe fruit is so readily available these days, remember how we struggled to find even fresh apples?” Steve comments, taking a sip.

Bucky nods, grimacing. He remembers those days in vivid detail, but Steve... He had to get used to it. He had decades to see the change... He should've let it go, found something else to talk about.

Steve sees the change instantly and knows he stepped wrong. It isn’t like before. They have to take it slow, one step at a time. “Thank you, this is really good,” he says carefully.

“No worries.”

They sit for a moment in silence, both looking at the garden, the birds, not knowing what to say.

“Do you know what the others are doing today?” Bucky asks, putting his empty glass back on the table.

“Not really. I know Wanda said something about her tan. Pietro met some youngsters and they are going to do... something, and Sam said he wants to spend time with the general, talk about training and stuff.”

“This is a good place to relax. Wanda must take care, the sun is insane here.”

“She will.”

They continue to sit for a while, then suddenly Bucky straightens up, tilting his head. He closes his eyes briefly before taking a breath.

“Uhm, sorry about this,” he says and Steve frowns. Before he can ask, however, he sees someone walking out. Elethu. He looks towards Bucky and Steve sitting quietly, both looking up to him.

“Hello, Steve, James.”

“Hi, Elethu,” Steve answers, feeling the tension.

Bucky runs his hands across his thighs, then stands up. “Excuse me.”

Steve nods and pulls out his phone. “I will be fine, need to text a few people, update them about my treatment.”

Bucky nods brusquely and walks back inside, Elethu on his heels.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay. I’m going to eat you for dinner, Rapunzel…” Sam challenges and Bucky holds out his hands.  
> “Oh, sorry, I don’t jump so fast on a rebound! Besides, this… This is dessert material, Captain Tweety, dessert,” Bucky replies, looking smug, and slightly shakes his hips as he sticks out his tongue.

11 Nov 2024

Bucky doesn’t close the door behind him as they walk back inside, Elethu following him into the bedroom for some privacy. Once inside, Bucky turns to Elethu, wondering how this is going to go down.

“I’m sorry, I should have called first, or texted,” Elethu tries but Bucky shakes his head.

”No, you didn’t, this is fine; besides, I could’ve called too. It’s a two-way street,” he replies.

Elethu nods and glances towards the garden. “How did his treatment go?”

“Good, really good, they are optimistic. They saw a change in his vitals immediately, and Steve says he feels different already. We are going back tonight at 8,” Bucky answers happily.

“I’m glad, for him and for you.”

Bucky frowns at that. “Me? Why?”

Elethu takes a step closer, before sighing and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“You’ve been… troubled… about this friendship. I mean, you are in history books! There are photos of you and him, walking down the streets of New York a century ago; he was, _is_ , your first and oldest friend. He was there when you went through puberty, the first time you smoked a cigarette. He knows the first time you were intimate with someone, the first job you had. He was there the first time you got fired, the first time you got drunk. He shared the fear of another World War, the fear you had when you were drafted. He knows all about the pain of killing someone for the first time… It's the same for you. His firsts, his illnesses, his asthma attacks, his job, his art… That created a bond and even if you didn’t love him the way you do, or did? You still loved him as a person, as your best friend, and the loss of a friendship like that is never easy. Now you have a chance to get some of that friendship back, to see it evolve into something else, a new bond. I am happy that you got that chance back.”

Bucky stares at Elethu with open surprise and wonder. “Elethu-” he tries and Elethu shakes his head before going on, his voice resigned.

“I have fallen in love with you, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, that there is no manual for this. But I did it anyway, because I knew you were worth it. That being with you would be worth the risk. I couldn't not take this chance. I guess I just wanted you to feel the same, or at least hoped you would,” Elethu says it in a steady tone, almost as if he's citing a scientific fact - something he wished for, but knew wouldn’t happen. He looks up from where he's sitting, his hands still folded as if in prayer. It’s an empty one. They both know it.

Bucky feels the floor drop from under his feet, and sits down next to Elethu. He never expected anyone to say something like that to him, not after everything he's done. Not until he repaid some of his debt to the world. He knows he can fall in love with this man. He can, he should, he really should give himself the opportunity. He will never get it with Steve, that’s a given, but… He can’t expect Elethu to wait for him. To hope that one day, Bucky will be able to put aside his need to make amends and let them be together. It isn’t fair to him.

“I never wanted to do this to you. I know how much it hurts, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt anyone like that, ever, and somehow I still did-” Bucky starts, but Elethu stops him, again.

“It wasn’t you. You were honest from the beginning. I was too, but I let my heart run away from me. I know you were going back, I guess I was hoping for a miracle.”

“Miracles don’t happen,” Bucky starts, but then looks away, down to his hands folded together in his lap. “Or maybe they do? Maybe for some, at least.”

“Yeah. Not us though, not here and now.”

“I’m sorry, Elethu. I wish I could tell you what you need to hear, but I can’t. There's things I need to do.”

“I know. Retribution. James, you do realize that your life, your worth, doesn’t depend on you fixing the world? It's not a scale, you did nothing wrong! Your happy ending does not need to be on the other side of a war, or a battle…” Bucky pulls a face and looks away. Elethu reaches out and grabs his hands. “You do, don’t you?”

“I killed a lot of people, and that's the least of it... A lot of families were destroyed because of me.”

“But you’ve also helped a lot of people, you saved millions. You deserve good things, James.”

“Have I earned it?”

“It’s not about earning. Life is not a job, hoping to get a good salary at the end of it.”

Bucky snorts, trying to laugh, but it comes out broken. Elethu lets go of Bucky’s hands and wraps his arm around his shoulders, hugging him close. Bucky buries his head in his neck.

“I’m sorry Elethu, I’m so sorry...” Bucky whispers, trying to keep his emotions in check.

Elethu holds him close. “I know… I know.”

They stay like that for a while, Bucky holding Elethu as close as he can, with Elethu holding him right back.

They move away after some time.

Bucky looks up at Elethu, who leans closer, kissing him. Bucky kisses him right back, holding him close with his hands on Elethu’s cheeks. They part to breathe and Elethu gives him a sad smile.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Me neither.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t continue to see you,” Elethu smiles sadly.

“I know.”

“I will miss you.”

“I will miss you too,” Bucky whispers. “I was very happy with you, you made it better, you made _me_ better, you made me see the good, that life can move on, that there is hope. You gave me hope.”

Elethu swallows the lump in his throat before he lets go of Bucky and stands up.

“I’m going to take my things. I think some time apart will be good.”

Bucky nods and just sits on the edge of the bed as Elethu moves around the room, taking his stuff that has accumulated here over the few weeks. Unable to take it anymore, Bucky gets up and walks out to the living room. He can’t go outside though, he doesn’t want Steve to see him like this.

A few minutes later Elethu comes out, his backpack full of stuff. He walks to the door and looks at Bucky.

“Goodbye, James. I hope for all the best for you.”

“Thank you... Bye, Elethu.”

Elethu closes the door behind him, leaving Bucky alone, standing in his small flat feeling lost. Bucky closes his eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling and failing, a single drop running down his cheek.

Steve's been outside the whole time - he sent a couple texts to his family before he sitting back and trying to relax. He knows what's happening in there, he saw the way they looked at each other. He saw the pain and heartbreak in Bucky’s eyes. The relationship is over. Bucky isn’t going to stay, his guilt over what had happened to him will not let him sit back. He wants to make amends, but once again he's got a hard choice to make. Live a life he always wanted but doesn’t think he deserves, that he deserves more than anyone else? Or live a life he thinks he deserves, but doesn’t?

A few minutes later he hears the door close. Elethu is gone. Steve glances to the door, but no one is coming through. Should he, or shouldn’t he?

Putting the phone away, he stands up and slowly walks back. The sight inside makes him stop.

It's so unfair.

Bucky.

Bucky is sitting on the couch, looking down, his hair falling into his face. Steve walks up to him. Putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, he gives a slight squeeze.

“I’m sorry, Buck.”

Bucky nods, not looking up - instead, he puts his hand on Steve’s. “Not the first break up you’ve seen, right?”

“Still…”

“It's fine… don’t worry, did you contact everyone you needed to?” Bucky asks, standing up and walking past Steve, opening the fridge.

Steve sighs and lets his hand fall back down. “Yes.”

“Good! So, hungry? I can make some sandwiches?” Bucky tries changing the subject. He pulls out bread and some fillings.

“Sure, I could eat. Can I help?”

“Uh… Can you grate the cheese?” Bucky asks, handing him a grater. Steve takes it and moves to the counter.

“Plates and containers are in the cupboard on your left side.”

It's quiet as they make a couple of sandwiches, not bringing up the subject of Elethu, trying to keep it light. They're almost done when there's a knock on the door. Bucky rolls his eyes.

“What now…” he asks, but goes to open it. He sees a flash of red, and then he's wrapped in a pair of small arms. Smelling Wanda's perfume, Bucky wraps his hands around her and holds her close. When she finally lets go, she puts her hands on his cheeks.

“Are you okay?”

Bucky smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, instead they go all shiny and he slowly shakes his head. “How did you know?” he asks.

“Rudzani. She was at the lake with her friends, she called him, asking about something, and he told her. She told her friends, saying she has to go, her brother needs her, so I left with her, 'cause my brother needs me too.”

Bucky laughs at that, pulling her into another hug. Steve watches them from the table. He wishes he could comfort Bucky like that - just a hug, a warm presence. Wanda lets go and looks towards the table, not shocked at all at seeing Steve there.

“So, I called Sam and Pietro, they are bringing ice-cream, and I’m going to make brownies, so, where’s my ingredients?” Wanda asks, walking towards the kitchenette.

Bucky holds out his hands towards the cupboards in a wide gesture. “моя кухня твоя кухня” [moya kukhnya tvoya kukhnya]

Bucky should’ve known they wouldn’t leave him alone. Not now, after the break-up of his first real and serious relationship in the new world. First serious relationship... ever, actually. He never got this far with the girls, back in the 30’s.

It isn’t even twenty minutes later, and Pietro and Sam show up, carrying two bags of food.

The ice-cream goes into the fridge, the rest gets spread out on the table. Wanda does preparations for what looks like a big meal, already declaring they are staying for dinner. They will leave when they feel like it, they might even stay over, have a movie night. Bucky and Steve can go for his treatment at 8, but the Avengers will watch the place.

Bucky’s small place never had so many people in it before, and he must admit he loves it. They're all doing something - Sam is going through his music playlists, making remarks as he goes, and the one thing Bucky can gather is that Sam is on a mission showing him ‘the real side of music’. Pietro is checking his movie selection, while Bucky and Steve watch, both smiling.

“Ah hey, what’s this…?” Pietro lets out and bends down, picking up a plastic ball.

“That’s one of the kids', I confiscated it,” Bucky explains.

Sam got a serious look on his face. “You confiscated a ball? From a child? Have you no shame? Tsk, tsk… Poor kid!”

Bucky rolls his eyes and flicks him the finger. “Playtime is playtime, school time is school time. Gcobani knew that, but no… The little shit didn’t listen...” he replies, causing everyone to look at him.

“That sounds like you say that a lot,” Pietro comments.

“Every day… Several times a day. I have hooligans, I tell you, rebels all of them… Gcobani's the leader of the pack.”

Sam walks closer. “You know, if you didn’t say that like a proud dad, I would’ve felt sorry for you.”

Bucky smiles smugly and shrugs. “They’re awesome.”

This makes everyone laugh. Sam takes the ball from Pietro.

“Okay, outside, I feel like playing volley ball. Come on, Pietro, you’re on my side. Barnes, Wanda, you two are together. Steve, you’re the referee. Oh, no cheating!” he focuses on Pietro with his superspeed, then turns to Wanda, “… no magic powers…” and then finally to Bucky, “… no… whatever. Let’s go!” Dutifully, they all follow him outside.

Pietro looks around, before turning back to Sam. “Don’t we need a net?”

“Yes, we do…” Bucky states and pretends to look disappointed.

“Don’t give me that look,” Sam says and then looks around before handing the ball to Pietro. “Wait here.” He goes back into the flat and brings out the broom and the mop.

“Yeah, Sam, the garden is immaculate, so the broom may be unnecessary. Plus, I know I’m from the ‘back in my day’ era, but shouldn’t you use a rake?” Bucky jokes, and the others burst out laughing.

“Keep it up, smartass.”

Sam takes the two and tapes them together with duct tape, then walks over to the fountain. He tapes one side of the makeshift pole to the it, putting two small rocks on it to make it sturdier.

“Wow, the most technologically advanced country in the world, reduced to a mop and broom on a fountain… Amazing… Wands, take a picture!” Bucky goes on and Sam picks up a small pebble and throws it at Bucky, who just steps aside.

“Barnes…”

“Hey, you said keep it up! Challenge accepted. It’s my mouth that’s smart not my ass, but I do think it has some aesthetic value to add,” Bucky retorts.

Sam narrows his eyes, then takes the ball and stands on one side. He stares at Bucky, all serious, before he points a finger to him.

“Okay. I’m going to eat you for dinner, Rapunzel…” he challenges and Bucky holds out his hands.

“Oh, sorry, I don’t jump so fast on a rebound! Besides, this… This is dessert material, Captain Tweety, _dessert,_ ” Bucky replies, looking smug, and slightly shakes his hips as he sticks out his tongue.

Sam stands as if frozen, his mouth hanging open. Pietro and Wanda are nearly doubled over with laughter and Steve feels a blush on his cheeks. He always knew Bucky could be a flirt, and now that he feels comfortable doing it with men, too?

He should be glad. Glad that Bucky is moving on, that he feels comfortable being himself. There's not a small amount of jealousy there, though - he wishes he was on the receiving end of one of Bucky’s flirtatious remarks. Just once in his life.

By unspoken agreement, Wanda, Sam and Pietro do everything they can to make Bucky forget about the break-up. Sam and Bucky throw insults and bicker the whole afternoon, Pietro and Wanda egging them on. They play volleyball, Steve keeping score and making sure there's no cheating… at least not too much.

Steve's phone is open on a clean note page, two columns with several ticks. His hands are much better since the treatment - before, they used to shake quite badly and were always cold. Some warmth had come back already, and they are steadier. He can already feel the difference and that is with what, one treatment? He is optimistic for the whole course. If one can make such a difference, just imagine what a full 6-session treatment course can do. He doubts it will make him as agile as he was a few decades ago, though. He misses running, the ability to go a mile without breaking a sweat - now he can hardly walk up the stairs. He knows it's the price of getting old, but looking at the people running and playing in front of him, he misses it. He didn’t have friends like this when he went back. The Commandos did their own thing, Howard was always busy. He didn’t have friends before the war, except Bucky... And Peggy didn’t have close friends, really. They occasionally had some colleagues over for dinner. He didn’t have anyone to play volleyball with - or basketball, or anything, really. When the kids got older, they quickly started playing with their friends, to cool to play with their dad… So, yeah, he misses the camaraderie. Besides, he knew that if he and Bucky were on a team together, they would have kicked the others' asses. Even if the other's were enhanced.

He watches Sam, the new Captain. Strong, good and brave, a leader. Teaching Pietro the game and rules while they play - Pietro struggled a bit, but he's got the hang of it now.

Pietro, the young kid, the one Bucky saved. He's adapted so quick... in the beginning it was a bit hard, hearing what he missed, hearing the things his sister went through, knowing he was unable to help her. But he is doing remarkably well, now. He knows when things are serious and pays attention, but he also knows when he can relive some of that youth he never got, and Scott and Wanda usually play along.

Wanda, who has come so far. Steve knows she is a force to be reckoned with, that she should never be underestimated... and the only reason she is doing so well is because of Bucky. She could have gone a different route, let anger and rage and vengeance consume her, but she chose a different path. One Bucky helped her with.

Bucky. Sam is right, Bucky is the glue that binds everyone tighter, even if he doesn’t see himself like that. Bucky is the one who brought Sam and Wanda and Shuri closer, who made Sam step up in the new dynamics. Sam was always going to do it, and do it well, but Bucky gave him that little push, a comment here, a sassy word there. He knew what was expected of Sam and this new mantle of Captain America, and he played his part in getting him there. He may not have declared loudly _'Let’s hear it for Captain America'_ , but he made it happen another way.

He watches Bucky as they play - this man who was so afraid of saying anything, of doing anything, right after Bucharest. Those months in Wakanda, relearning who he is, what he likes and dislikes. Here he is, playing volleyball, laughing and throwing commentary. He's leading Wanda now, showing her the ropes, and somehow it becomes a tactical exercise instead of just hitting a ball over a homemade net.

He misses this, he misses being part of this.

Steve gets up when they call ‘time out’ to switch places and to get some refreshments. He looks to his phone to see he has several texts from his family and Fury. He doesn’t read those, instead he goes to the text he'd sent out to the three people outside. _Stay close, you might be needed, Bucky is having a bad day._

Wanda replied immediately.

Sam replied within five minutes.

Pietro replied within ten.

They were at Bucky’s room within an hour.

“Okay, round two…” Sam yells, sweating but happy.

“Hold on, I just need to use the bathroom first,” Steve says.

“You know where it is… And take your cane!” Bucky answers, lifting his head from where he and Wanda are discussing their strategy.

“Yes, yes, I will be back shortly,” Steve replies, exasperated at the mothering, and makes his way inside.

The bed was perfectly made, but there are indentations of where two people sat. One bed side drawer is slightly open. Steve knows what it means - Elethu removed his thigs. The stuff he accumulated while staying here on weekends... It happens so fast. A few nights and before you know it, half your clothes and things are there. His heart is breaking for Bucky, but on the other hand, he's horridly, secretly happy because now they may stand a chance to fix their friendship. Because Bucky _will_ come back to them, sooner or later. They'll talk about things that matter, things they should’ve talked about years ago.

He should not be happy that the relationship is over, but a small part, that small part in the back of his brain, that _jealous_ part, is. He's happy.

Happy because now he doesn’t have to… what, share him? It's not like he can make things right, not like they stand a chance now… but Bucky can focus on _him_ now… He shouldn’t. He's had his moment and floundered it like paper planes, he's had a chance and he blew it. But the human heart… is glad, because now he can maybe fix his friendship with his first and best friend, the second person ever to believe in him. The one who always saw Steve first, the suit later. He only had, what, two best friends his entire life? And both of them was either before the war, or after the ice. None when he went back.

He went back alone, came back alone, with a family in-between.

His foot goes a bit too close to the bed corner as he's walking back out, and it displaces something. Looking down, he sees a small box. Frowning, he picks it up.

Oh. Condoms. The packet is open, half missing.

Bucky and Elethu… He knew they slept together. He knew that, but now that he is holding a nearly empty packet of condoms, he is struck by just what that means. They had sex. As in naked, heated bodies.... The intimacy… Elethu saw Bucky naked, he was able to kiss Bucky’s skin, to undress him, to make love to him. He saw Bucky at the height of pleasure, he could- he did-

Steve closes his eyes and remembers Cody. When he and Sam discovered Bucky used drugs and followed him... He still remembers Bucky's cry of pleasure that made them break the door down. They thought it was a cry for help, but actually…

He remembers Bucky naked on a broken bed, his legs wrapped around another man, kissing him. He remembers Bucky’s swollen lips, his flushed torso, his rapid breathing, and he remembers the smell of sex in the room.

He was so angry, and he took it out on Bucky, he handled it so poorly.

‘Babe’… that’s what Cody called him? ‘Have you seen those thighs, have you been between-?’

Cody never finished his question, but Steve knew how it would’ve ended. He knew the answer, too. 'No'. Yes, he has seen those thighs, no, he hasn’t been between them. He didn’t know it was an option until it was too late. He never for once thought- and when he could, when he realized what he'd done, it was way too late. No going back, no second chances, not for him and Bucky. He wasted the only second chance he had on a different life, a different route. God, he doesn’t regret his children, he doesn’t regret being a dad, or even a husband, but if he knew… if he only knew…

“Yo, Steve! Need a hand?” Sam yells.

Steve startles out of his reverie and puts the condoms on the bedside table.

Wasted chances.

“I’m coming!” he yells back.

Steve opens his phone to the WhatsApp he'd received from Sam. It's a picture, a quote, but it says everything he needs to hear.

* * *

[ ](https://imgur.com/ADZ1UuU)

You have to remember that when someone is giving you a second chance, you need to have some patience. You might need to chill the hell out every now and then. You can’t rush forgiveness and acceptance. You can’t make someone feel comfortable. You can’t force them to take your word for it again.

Remember, you fucked up and this person is brave enough to risk looking stupid over you all over again. It’s never easy so the next time you get upset at them for struggling with believing you, remember that you damaged your credibility. Now, chill out.

_Horacio Jones_

* * *


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I saved your favourite mug… that weird one, not the one I gave you."  
> Bucky smiles as he looks up. "Yeah? Thanks, Steve."  
> "I don't know why that one is your favourite though? It's the ugliest of the lot."  
> Bucky smiles, leaning back. "It was my first," he answers softly, deep in thought. It clearly has a very important connotation, a memory? A sad one, but also sweet.

12 Nov 2024

* * *

((Journal entry))

Today is going to be hectic... I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to cope with it all. After Steve’s treatment this morning we're going back to the hut, to clean it out a bit. I’m looking forward to doing some manual labour, to building up instead of tearing down...

I have no idea what we’re going to talk about. I know there's so much, but deep down, a part of me is so happy to just be spending time with him, being with my friend, my best friend. I almost don't want to rock the boat.

The other part of me… the part that lo-

I’m scared.

* * *

The next morning Bucky and Steve are back in the lab. Dr. Barkhuizen gets busy administering the Cell Repair Complex and Shuri pulls the machine and the lasers closer. Steve lies down, back in his slacks and A shirt, looking much better than he did yesterday. Both of them noticed the change - Steve was even able to walk better this morning, holding the cane more than using it.

Last night, when they went back for the second treatment, they left Bucky’s room with three occupants still there, cleaning up after dinner Wanda made and discussing what movie to watch. Bucky should’ve known they wouldn’t leave him alone to wallow in self-pity.

By the time they got back, the kitchen was clean, the three Avengers lying across his couches watching a movie, each with a bowl of ice cream and brownies. Bucky and Steve shared a look and joined them.

Ice cream cures all ills.

This morning Steve was the one who knocked on Bucky’s door before the treatment.

So far it's a good day. Shuri hugged Bucky close as he came in and Bucky held her for a moment before letting go, smiling and assuring her that he is all right, sad but fine. He's doing okay. Shuri narrowed her eyes, assessing him as he stood in front of her, then nodded and went on about her day as if nothing happened. She did promise extra snacks and cinnamon goodies for Bucky. Steve is happy about that - he's also developed a fondness for it by now.

As the treatment goes on, they talk about the previous day, about others cleaning his kitchen, about Wanda’s amazing cooking skills. Steve looks at Bucky, sitting at the side of the bed, already on his third cinnamon thingie. Steve stuck with just one, but has a second on his plate. He doesn't have the amazing metabolism anymore.

"So... You’re sure about the day's plans?" Steve asks as soon as Barkhuizen left after checking the progress.

Shuri stays close to them this morning. "What's your plans?" she asks, looking at Bucky.

"We've decided to spend the next few days cleaning out the hut. See what is salvageable, throw away the rest, see if we can rebuild anything.”

"That's... I'm actually impressed. So the gang gets something to do and you two decide on extreme makeover, home edition? Cool," Shuri jokes, typing on her computer.

It's true though - Sam and Pietro received an invitation to go with a few warriors on a 'guy trip'. It's basically camping and pretending it's survival and training... Bucky was invited as well, but declined. Sam didn't even try to convince him to come, understanding that being with Steve now was more important than any trip. As a result, Wanda and Shuri made plans to have a girls' night and spend the evening doing whatever they want. Bucky is happy about it, in a way, glad that he and Steve can be alone for a while. Even if it's only about two days.

"You are more than welcome to come," Bucky jokes and Shuri takes a dramatic step back.

"Oh wow, my life's mission, cleaning out a hut! Where is my selfie stick, I'm _so_ going to hashtag that moment..."

"I'm looking forward to it," Steve provided, smiling, and Shuri pats his arm.

"You would... Remember to take enough water."

"We will."

Bucky and Steve came up with the idea the previous day, when they were all sitting outside, tired from playing volleyball, having something cool to drink. Wanda and Steve sat on the chairs while the rest lay down, or more accurately, sprawled on the grass. They talked about the wedding, the ceremony, about things they wanted to do... About everything and anything. Bucky was quiet, but the others didn't let him wallow too much, they found ways to bring him back into the conversation.

The treatment ends around nine. Like the day before, the evening one also scheduled at eight again, leaving them a lot of time to spend together. They're back at the hut just before eleven, both quiet and deep in thought. This little hut became a refuge for both of them, at different points in their lives. Bucky, to hide and rediscover his humanity, for Steve to hide... and try to rediscover his friend.

Steve looks at the hut, then back at Bucky. “I think we should start inside, two heaps, one that can be saved, the second everything to be thrown away. We can move to the outside walls and roof. Or do you want to do it the other way around?”

Bucky looks around. “I think the inside first, maybe add a third heap for things that should be fixed, like shelves, chairs and so on? We can do the walls last, along with the roof. We may need extra help with those, so we should move what we can out of the way, first,” he agrees.

"Okay, after you." Steve holds out his hand towards the door. Smiling, Bucky picks up the bucket with supplies and steps inside. Steve's at his heels, carrying the basket filled with water, cold drinks and food.

"I'm going to start with the bathroom, we will probably need to use it. Plus it's the most intact, so we can move the things we save in there. Then move from there to the other room," Bucky thinks out loud. He walks to the basin, pulling out the broom and mop, the cleaning cloths and soap.

Steve walks to the bed, putting the basket down on top of it. It's the only surface they have for now. "Before you fill the bucket, can you help me with the table? We can put all the things there, deciding what to throw away and what to keep, and we can use it to eat on, later."

"Yeah, sure..." Bucky replies and picks up the table with the chairs that have fallen over. "This is awesome, the chairs are all fine, a few may be a bit rickety, but that's an easy fix."

Steve looks at the chair doubtfully. "Well, _you_ can sit on those..."

"Ah, don't worry Steve, I'll fix one for you too."

“Great, you can put it in heap number one, on the left there…” Steve answers, pointing to an open space next to the door.

Bucky puts the two chairs that are fine at the table, then fills the bucket with water and soap and walks over to the bathroom. He starts with the broom, sweeping everywhere. Steve gets started on the things lying around on the floor, picking them all up and putting them on the table. Bucky banned him from any strenuous work, he isn't allowed to sweep the floors, mop, pick up or move furniture, or even wash the windows. Instead he can do light work or sit and make sure Bucky doesn't fall over from dehydration.

He's also brought a sketchpad and pencils to draw up plans for expanding the hut. Bucky said he wants to add a small room, maybe enough for an extra bed or a desk... He has this idea that this is going to become his 'home away from home', a holiday retreat. Somewhere he can escape to when things get tough. He's also planning on seeing the world, going to the ocean and so forth, but he wants to have this place, this hideaway, as a backup plan. Steve can understand that, he himself is glad to see this place being fixed up. He just hopes he will be invited back.

They work for a couple of hours mostly in silence, just the occasional comment or suggestion. Around two Steve forces Bucky to take a rest.

"I can go on a while, I'm not even tired!" Bucky tries, and Steve can see he made huge progress with the bathroom. It looks almost as good as it did back when he lived here. It just needs some paint and the wooden shelves need some polish, then it will be perfect.

"That may be, but I want some coffee and you need to eat. Come on, the sandwiches won't eat themselves," Steve tries.

"Yeah yeah, let me just finish this one side..." Bucky says, turning back to wiping down the window. Steve sighs at the stubbornness and shakes his head. Time for his secret weapon.

"There's some of these cinnamon thingies you like..."

Steve watches as Bucky stop moving the rag and then throws it down. Victory.

"I regret introducing you to those, feels like I gave you bribe material," Bucky replies as he wipes his hands on a clean cloth before sitting down at the table. Steve has kept one side of it clean, and now there's a tablecloth there, with plates of snacks and fresh coffee.

"I did always know what strategy to use," Steve jokes, causing Bucky to laugh.

"Yeah, I guess you did."

They're quiet as they eat, looking around them. Already a significant change can be seen. Steve ignored Bucky's orders and cleaned out the cupboards that were still standing. The salvageable cutlery and utensils were washed and packed away.

"I saved your favourite mug… that weird one, not the one I gave you."

Bucky smiles as he looks up. "Yeah? Thanks, Steve."

"I don't know why that one is your favourite though? It's the ugliest of the lot."

Bucky smiles, leaning back and playing with a butter knife, twisting it round and round. Steve has a momentary flashback of the Winter Soldier on a bridge, twisting that knife before trying to stab him, ending up stabbing the side of the van.

"It was my first," he answers softly, deep in thought. It clearly has a very important connotation, a memory? A sad one, but also sweet.

"Your first?" Steve asks and Bucky nods, looking up from his hands.

"After waking up again. Shuri made me hot chocolate in that one, giving it to me while I was shaking from the cold. It was just after she told me my head was clear, no more trigger words, no more Hydra. To celebrate, she even added extra marshmallows to the hot chocolate. I cried, wrapped my hand around the mug, feeling the warmth spreading through the mug into my hand, up my arm.

"I wasn't allowed to want, to have anything, before. Everything in that flat in Bucharest I picked up in trash cans and garbage heaps, in abandoned buildings... or hustled it from someone doing odd jobs for money, food, anything. I carried a fridge for two miles for that couch. Fixed a church roof for that mattress, sleeping bag and pillow. Stuff like that. I picked it up or got it out of necessity, out of survival. That mug... that was the first thing I chose because I could. I was allowed to. My therapist said it was normal, that after being denied everything for so long I would grow attached to anything that was my own, even something as simple as a mug.”

Steve stares at Bucky with so much emotion in his eyes, and Bucky just shrugs. Why did he ask? And why has he never heard the story before? Oh, yes, Bucky was too focused on healing and being the person he was expected to be... and Steve was too busy being a stubborn asshole to see through it. Too happy to have his best friend back.

Oblivious, Bucky continues. "I never told anyone that. I still can't wear sunglasses. It's a... a WIP, the therapist said back then."

"WIP?" Steve chokes out.

"Work in Progress. It's going to take months, even years, for me to make peace with some stuff or move on from it..." Bucky replies, looking away, putting the knife down.

“The sunglasses?” Steve asks, and regrets it instantly.

“Because of the goggles, the mask... the muzzle… I can’t take... things… around my face… on my face… scarves, high collars… I keep feeling the muzzle.”

Steve feels the food turn in his stomach. He is so close to throwing it all up.

Bucky takes a breath, shifting in his seat. “Steve…” he starts, but isn’t sure exactly how to continue. There are so many things to say.

“Buck?” Steve prompts.

“You can ask me anything, Steve, I will answer as honestly as possible,” Bucky adds.

Steve smiles and nods. “I know you said on your terms, and it’s more of me saying something, instead of asking. The video-”

“I still don’t regret what I did,” Bucky interrupts him, his voice hard, eyes flashing.

“No, I know… the other one.”

“Oh.”

That one. Why he was so angry with Steve’s choice, how he wasn’t there.

“I, uh… I never thought about it like that, that day when I went back… You were right. You weren’t there, for the entire life I led, I took that opportunity away from you. And I missed you, and it hurt, but nowhere as much as you’ve been hurting. I realise that, and I am not trying to compare it. I- just- you were right. And that is on me. I can’t take that away, I can’t fix that. I wish you were there. The other night, JJ mentioned how he wishes he grew up with you, that it would have been less… lonely. I not only did an injustice to you, I did one to them too.”

“They probably had friends, I mean, there was the family vacations, right?”

Steve flinches at that, remembering the talk he had with Sam. Bucky overheard that.

“It was family, not friends. I think I coddled them quite a lot knowing the world out there…”

“Why didn’t you try to change anything? You have never, ever backed down from a fight in all the years I've known you. Why did you stop when you went back?” Steve looks down guiltily. “Steve. Did you?”

“I tried, but... Uh... The Ancient One forbid me. Said I messed with time enough already, by going back, the only way I can keep the threads of time, or whatever, together, was to live my life without causing any radical changes. That my actions would cause more harm than good. It wasn’t easy, it was _so_ hard, so I focused on _them_. My kids. On raising them right.”

It's quiet for a while, no one saying anything. Bucky still isn’t really happy with that answer, but there's nothing he can do about it now. What’s done is done. He needs to focus on the future.

“Bucky… The things you said-”

“Don’t worry about it, Steve... or let’s leave it for later. I wasn’t in my right mind, I’m not taking it back, what I said, but it is just- I have spent so long, it took so much work to get to where I am now. I still have my bad days, I will for a long time, I just. I’m still not okay, Steve.”

“And now you have to deal with me _and_ with a failed relationship. I understand, I’m not trying to add to it. I'm hoping to be able to help you.” Steve touches Bucky's hand softly and is thrilled to see Bucky doesn't pull away.

“I know. I just don’t think it will happen overnight, although... this is helping. Besides, this thing with Elethu, it's a good thing it ended when it did. Can't put someone through that, through the mess that's in my head, he doesn't deserve that," he adds with some bitterness. Steve’s heart is twisting, and it isn’t his illness - that excuse will no longer work, it was flimsy from the beginning, it won’t hold now.

"He would have loved to be with you, even if you were to work through stuff," Steve answers and sees the corners of Bucky's mouth lift in a smile. He knows _he_ wouldn’t have minded, but then again, they weren’t _like_ that.

"Yeah, he would've. But it wouldn't have been fair," Bucky answers.

"It's not about fair, Buck."

Bucky snorts and looks at Steve. "That's what he said."

"Maybe you should start believing it, then."

"Hmmm... maybe, ey."

It's quiet for another few minutes, each in their own thoughts, Steve's hand still resting on Bucky's.

Steve breaks the silence. "Sarah, my youngest, is getting a divorce. She came out a few weeks ago, told us she's gay, she said she felt pressured into marrying a man because of our family. She said she can't take it anymore, that she's been in love with a woman for the past ten years. They're planning on getting married the moment the divorce is finalized.”

Bucky's head snaps up to look at Steve. He remembers Sam saying something like that the other day. He didn't ask Steve about it then, even though he wanted to.

“Sam said something about a granddaughter, not daughter. Has she been having an affair all this time?”

“No, he probably heard wrong. Sarah met Michelle ten years ago at an exhibit, they only started dating with the Snap. Nathan, her husband was…”

“Blipped,” Bucky provides when Steve can't seem to finish the sentence.

Steve nods. “Yeah, she never told us. None of us knew. When the Snap was reversed they… Sarah didn’t feel like pretending anymore. Michelle told her to try, that she and Nathan have been married for nearly thirty years, but she just couldn’t. She didn’t want to. She said she was done doing what the family wanted, living up the Carter expectations, and was going to do her own thing. And she wants to be with Michelle.”

Bucky tilts his head. He knows the pressure of fitting in, of living a life that was expected of you instead of the one you want to. Frowning, he looks at Steve.

"What did she mean pressured by the family? You told Sam you raised your kids to be open-minded. Didn't you? Are you a homophobe?! Do you think I'm sick?!" Bucky asks, his fists clenching, ready to fight. Steve holds out his hands.

"No! Bucky, no, I don't care if you love men. I did, I did raise them to be tolerant, liberal even, to love and respect regardless of race, gender or orientation. I even dragged JJ to the first rally after the Stonewall riots. I _was_ at the riots, had a big fight with Peg, slept on the couch for a few nights. I tried to raise them by what I learned from you and mom. To love people, period.”

Bucky opens his hands to relax them. He didn’t think he had such a huge impact on Steve. Sarah, Steve’s mom, yeah, she was amazing, Winnifred too. Bucky? He did the best he could, with his sisters, with Steve.

"Then why?"

"Because- I think- you see, we didn't have family reunions or get-togethers, there was no family. I had no one and she had no one, we had work colleagues and army acquaintances, no real friends. We were always expected to act and think a certain way. I was always stubborn and set in my ways, you know that, I never deviated. But... the higher Peg went up the ladder, the more we had to blend in, for security purposes and so on. Colonels became Generals, Generals became Directors, managers became CEOs, there was always a standard to uphold. Sarah said she felt pressured because both her brothers were in the armed forces, a man’s world, her mother run a defence organization. She felt she had to keep her orientation a secret as long as Peggy was alive, that she wouldn't have accepted it. Apparently she made a few comments when she thought no one was listening.

“Sarah says she remembers something about Peggy always telling her to choose carefully. To choose what is right, what is best, and that means that you can't always follow your heart. That your head and heart aren't always in line. That she can give several examples of where the _right_ thing is more important than the thing you _want_. That you should choose what gives you the biggest advantage. That it is indeed a man’s world and therefore you should always try to stand taller, bigger, stronger.

“She fought in World War as an officer, she was respected and that required sacrifices. I never knew about it, you know? I would never have stopped Sarah from being with whoever she wanted, but those years... they were tough. When you have more agents, army generals and District Attorneys on speed dial than friends, there is a certain level of expectations involved. I just never wanted it to extend to who you are allowed to love. Sarah hid it well, just like you. I never knew you were gay. Always a different girl, I mean, you went out of your way to please Greta, that one girl? You even helped her to get enough money to visit her mother in California..."

Steve is looking down at his plate. The revelation about his daughter is sitting heavy on his heart. He didn't expect that to happen... Didn't consider that maybe Peggy had her faults. Everyone does. It's part of being human. He just, he wished he knew that she told their daughter that, that somehow a comment like that made her hide her entire life.

Bucky, on the other hand, feels for her. He knows what Sarah is going through, the difficulty in hiding like that. Some small part of him is glad he never had to go through something like that, the divorce, the painful coming out. Bucky would have loved for Steve's kids to know examples of a different life. He knows that he would haven been one.

"Greta was a lesbian, Steve..." Bucky says slowly. Steve's eyes widen in shock.

"What? But you... You kissed her, I remember you bragged about it to anyone who would listen!"

Bucky sighs deeply. "We arranged it like that. She was seeing another girl, Marcia, and they wanted to elope, to run away. Marcia was expected to marry a family friend, and people were getting suspicious about Greta, because one girl at her work said she saw Greta drawing a naked woman. I stepped in and said I would pretend to be her boyfriend, help her to save up, so she and Marcia could run away, the excuse being to visit her mother. I said I would tell everyone how we kissed so they don’t have to gossip or wonder. She agreed.”

Steve's mouth is hanging open. "But I was so angry at you, for bragging about kissing her so brazenly..."

Bucky lifts one shoulder, smiling as he thinks back. "I remember... _'that's no way to treat a dame, Buck',_ that's what you said before leaving for art class, saying I'd better make my own dinner."

Steve looks down in shame. "I was such a dick to you. Me and my self-righteous ego."

"True, but you did well in the end."

"Still..."

"There is another thing..." Bucky starts and takes a breath.

Steve narrows his eyes. "What?"

"Peggy knew I was gay, or queer, or a fairy, or whatever she wanted to call it. Or she had a suspicion. She never asked, but she knew, I could see it in her eyes.”

"What?!"

"She figured it out, I don't know how. I mean, I was so careful, you know? But I think what gave it away was this one time, we were on a weekend pass and we were all in this smoky bar, and this bunch of girls came in. I didn't flirt, instead I moved to the far end of the bar to drink.... I spent most times we were in bars at the counter, alone and drinking, remember? Well, anyway, this young man came in and I, well... I'd had a few whiskeys and liked what I saw... We smiled across the room and when I looked to the side, she was staring at me. Knowingly. With this fire in her eyes. She turned to him, and he spun around and rushed out. She put her hands on her hips and then declared the night over, that we must get back to base, deploying next morning at some early hour. And she just walked out, saying goodnight and ignoring me flat. She ignored me for two days, giving me these sideways glances. I knew she knew, and she knew _I_ knew she knew."

Steve doesn't say anything for a long while, looking away, clenching his fists, then gets up. He picks up one of the broken plates and swings it against the far wall. It falls and breaks into even more pieces. He breathes deeply, not looking at Bucky. Bucky doesn’t move a muscle. He can see what's about to happen.

"Excuse me a moment."

Bucky sighs as he watches Steve leave, walking swiftly down the path. Steve is upset. Bucky doesn’t know what set him off like that, though. He sighs and gets up, packing the food away, before making his way back to where he stopped for lunch. He takes the broom and starts to sweep the rest of the floor. The bathroom is finished, it’s time to start on the rest of the hut. Work has always kept him busy.

Occasionally he tries to listen if Steve is coming back, but he's still sitting on a tree stump a few yards away, staring at the lake.

Bucky sighs. Steve will come back when he is ready.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want _in_."  
> Bucky frowns and stops pushing and turn to Steve. "In, what?"  
> "The hut."  
> "You're already in?" Bucky grins.  
> Steve rolls his eyes and waves his hand around. "I want to live here too, when you do. You said, a place to escape? To get away, like a mini vacation or whatever... Well, I want to, too. I haven't been here in decades and I miss it. It was quiet, calm, relaxing, and it had you. So, dibs."

12 Nov 2024

Steve rushes out of the hut as fast as his feet can carry him. He makes his way to the lake, a few yards away from the hut, his chest heaving, anger simmering underneath. Finding a log, he sits, willing himself to calm down.

He wants to punch something.

Fuck, they all knew.

They all knew, and no one said a damn thing.

Dum-Dum knew, Bucky’s sisters knew, Winnie knew, and now... even Peggy?!

Did his mom? Did Sarah know? Is that why she was so fond of Bucky? Probably, she was very good at reading people.

Everyone knew, except him.

But oh no, no no no, Steve was too busy fighting bullies. He was too busy trying to get into the war, and then taking down Hydra, to stop and think for a second.

Bucky was always ready to defend him, to protect him, to keep him safe - and every single time that Steve should have returned the favour, he failed.

Steve leans forwards on his arms, closing his eyes and pursing his lips.

Why did Bucky ever fall in love with him? He isn't worthy of his feelings. Bucky should throw him out, not try to mend their friendship.

Bucky will always be out of his reach, no matter how hard he tries. Because for some reason Steve never grasped the enormity of what it means to have someone like Bucky in his life. He took it for granted. He never will again.

 _Never again._ Whether the treatment is a success or not, whether he has five months to live or five years or fifty. He will do it right, at least once in his goddamn life.

Once, that's all he asks.

The other thing bothering him now is why didn't Peggy ever tell him? Why didn't she ask him about it? Why did she keep it quiet?

Did she think Steve felt the same? Is that why she was so angry at him when he went to riots and rallies? Did she suspect him?

She always saw more than she let on, did she notice something? Did she know something that Steve never did, until he finally admitted it to himself years and years later? Years and years too late...

It's like the whole world knew, when he defied orders and went into enemy territory with nothing but a fake shield, just because he heard that Bucky was missing. He didn't even want to consider that Bucky may have been killed in action, that he was suspected to be dead. He did it all for the sole purpose of getting Bucky back. Of finding him. Failure was not an option.

And he got him back, and that set them on a course that changed the world.

His anger slowly seeps out of his body, replaced by a deep sadness. A pain of knowing he did wrong... but maybe, just maybe, he can get some sort of rapport back with the one man that stayed good, stayed this amazing person, regardless of what life threw at him.

He should just get up and go back to the hut, but he wants to sit here... Just a little longer.

Bucky's busy pushing all the furniture to one side of room to sweep the rest of the floor. The bed is already stripped down, the mattress placed against the massive hole in the wall, acting as a makeshift cover. It's actually a good idea to keep it there until the hole can be either fixed or turned into a door to another room.

He doesn't look up as Steve comes back in. He doesn’t think Steve would appreciate this kind of attention.

"I'm sorry I broke your plate."

Bucky smiles and turns around as he finishes, picking up the broom. Steve suddenly looks tired, resigned, but there's also a renewed hope. Whatever he did out there, it seems like he's decided. He even looks… oh crap… stubborn. Bucky mentally groans at what that could mean.

"It was already broken. Besides, nearly all of them are beyond repair anyway. Do you feel better?" he asks instead.

"Yeah..."

"You looked as if you wanted to punch something. Or someone," Bucky adds, starting to sweep from the bathroom towards the door.

Steve looks a bit sheepish. "I did... Haven't had that urge in years."

Bucky laughs softly and points to the table. "Want to sit down for a bit? Relax, draw? Talk about it?"

Steve moves to to the table. "Uhm, no, not right now. Maybe later..."

"Cool, whenever. I will be here," Bucky answers, and knows Steve will take him up on his offer. Steve just needs to work everything out for himself before he talks about it. He always did.

Steve nods and pulls his chair back to the table to sit down. He watches Bucky work. Bucky is stronger because of the serum, and the arm, but still... Steve wishes he could help.

Once one side is swept, Bucky starts to push the furniture in the other direction, and Steve makes his move. He stands up and looks at Bucky, his arms folded. He has decided out there, and now he needs to act on it.

"I want _in_."

Bucky frowns and stops pushing and turn to Steve. "In, what?"

"The hut."

"You're already in?" Bucky grins.

Steve rolls his eyes and waves his hand around. "I want to live here too, when you do. You said, a place to escape? To get away, like a mini vacation or whatever... Well, I want to, too. I haven't been here in decades and I miss it. It was quiet, calm, relaxing, and it had you. So, dibs."

Bucky folds his arms and tilts his head, his eyes locked on Steve's. Steve stands straight, not backing out.

"Like, shared ownership, or signing power?"

"Yes. "

"What about your getaway place at the sea, the yearly trip?“ Bucky will never forget that. Steve flinches but keeps his eyes on Bucky who goes on, “I doubt your family will be able to fit in a little small hut... not to mention _I_ will be here."

"I won't invite them. It's your place, but I want to hide here with you. They can go to the holiday home on their own, they know the way... Plus Sarah already said if she can't bring Michelle, she will never go back," Steve answers, stubborn.

Bucky unfolds his arms and shifts so he's sitting on the edge of the table. "Steve-"

"Please! I'm already helping you with the clean-up, not that I expect payment, I'm happy to be here with you in any way I can, it's just, you're adding an extra room, so it will be cool, we won't even be-"

"Steve-"

"- sharing a bed, not that I minded, but still, I can cook now! I’ve always been able to clean, maybe not so quickly anymore, and I, mhhjmj!"

Bucky's pushed himself off the table and crossed the floor to stand in front of Steve, using his hand to block Steve's mouth, shaking his head, a smile on his lips.

"I would be happy to have you here as well. As long as you'd like. You can have your dibs or be 'in', okay?" Bucky answers, smiling softly at Steve.

They're the same height now, Steve is back to being maybe a few hair strands shorter than Bucky, and Bucky wants to smile at that. Some of his fondest memories include wrapping his arm around Steve's shoulders. He stares into Steve's eyes... he forgot how blue they are. The treatment is going to be a huge success, he can tell - Steve already lost some of that glazed look in his eyes. They look softer, clearer... Not to mention that stubborn expression.

Steve looks into Bucky's eyes and suddenly remembers that they're the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen, so full of soul and life. Not to mention that Cupid's bow, much more defined than any woman's... The five o'clock shadow is just another distraction. He can't remember Bucky's cheekbones being so prominent...

Wait, he can, he did, he's been drawing them for years, he just hasn't seen them up close for... decades. He had photos, but they don’t even come close to doing this stunning man justice.

"Steve..." Bucky tries, but his voice falters.

"Hshm..." Steve tries, and Bucky removes his hand, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Sorry," he mumbles and takes a step back.

Steve wants to grab his hand - it's their first such close contact, the other day when he helped him with the inhaler doesn't count. It wasn't skin on skin. He misses the warmth of Bucky's hand, of his presence in his life.

"It's fine," Steve retorts, because it _was_ , _more_ than fine.

Both stand for an awkward moment, looking around the hut.

"I will get started on the counters," Steve points to the cupboards full of extra boxes and stuff that needs to be sorted.

"I'll take out the garbage bags, then get to mopping the floors," Bucky answers quickly, picking up two garbage bags in each hand and walking out.

They continue to work for several hours, only stopping once or twice to use the bathroom and to drink some water, keeping the conversation light. Around five they decide to stop for the day. They've made huge progress already.

"This is great, Buck, have you decided on the goat pen?"

"Uhm... maybe? But I was thinking maybe a bit further away, just about ten yards, maybe less. I want to start a vegetable garden too, or cacti... I mean, I won't be here to keep an eye on the vegetables, so..." Bucky trails off.

Steve narrows his eyes. "What about a small garden, just green grass, maybe a little table in the shade, flowerpots, so you can sit here? Maybe even a small set up for the bonfire instead of that large open space you had?”

Bucky looks the place Steve indicated and nods. "That would look beautiful. Maybe one of those retractable covers for when it rains at midday, like a detachable roof, you know those, right?" Bucky continues as they slowly start to walk back, both happy. Bucky's muscles are sore, but in a good way, and Steve can feel his hands ache a bit.

"Yes, they will look great! So when it rains, or even in the evenings one can sit outside. You will need to add lamps too," Steve continues.

"Oh, definitely. Those small solar lights to put around the path as well..." Bucky sounds more and more excited about the idea. A small part of him doesn't want to get _too_ excited, because in the end... In the end he will probably be here alone anyway, depending on how many years he still has with Steve.

He resolutely decides not to think about it right now.

Just as they start walking past the lake, they hear a weird sound.

"Did you hear that?" Bucky asks and stops. Steve tries to listen, but doesn't hear a thing. Bucky looks around, trying to discern the noise.

"What does it sound like?" Steve asks.

"Uhmm.... It sounds like... bubbles?" Bucky answers, pulling a face.

"Bubbles?" Steve asks, sceptical.

"Yeah... Crazy, right..." Bucky answers, trying to smile, but it doesn't really work. He walks down the shore a few steps, trying to figure out what he heard, when the water ripples in front of him and a bubble bursts out. "Did you see that!?" Bucky yells, turning to Steve who takes a step closer.

"Buck, look!" Steve points to the water, and just as Bucky turns, a few small fish start to float.

"What the hell?" Bucky mutters and then reaches out to the water.

Steve picks up a pebble and throws it at Bucky. It hits his metal shoulder, pinging loudly.

"Ouch! What was that for?!" Bucky asks, turning to Steve, who stares back.

"It didn't hurt. And what the hell were you going to do, pick up dead fish?!"

"Well... yeah."

"It's dead, James Buchanan Barnes, boiled dead. Look at the steam on your right, across the tree line over there. Now come back here before you boil yourself." Steve has his hands on his hips, the cane dangling off his wrist. He looks pissed.

Bucky looks at him and tries to keep from laughing, but he can't help it. Here is the hot head extraordinaire, trying to keep Bucky from doing something stupid. It used to always be the other way around.

"Don't laugh, come back here!" Steve orders, not easing up on his glare.

Bucky slowly gets up and steps away from the water. "Yeah, I just, you..." Bucky can't help it, he bursts out laughing, his hand on his stomach as he slowly staggers back to the footpath.

"What's so funny?" Steve asks once Bucky is standing next to him again. Bucky just shakes his head.

"Nothing... Nothing at all, just ironic... Come on, I need to tell Shuri about this, this looks serious," Bucky answers, slowly starting to walk back to the palace.

"What's ironic?" Steve asks, but Bucky doesn't answer, just smiles and shakes his head again.

They walk back to the palace quickly. Whenever they walk past another person, Bucky stops them and tells them to stay away from the lake, to keep the kids away. The water is boiling.

Once at the palace, they walk straight to the lab, put their cleaning stuff down just outside and go in.

"Princess?!" Bucky yells.

"In here!" Shuri yells back from somewhere they can't see.

“Don’t yell,” Steve orders, causing Bucky to roll his eyes. They walk around several shelves to see Shuri looking at a big screen, aerial view of the mountain in front of her. Certain parts are red, and numbers are climbing even as they watch. Bucky recognises the place immediately.

This is serious. Crap.

"Is this important, because I'm a bit busy here," Shuri asks, not looking up from the formulas and schematics.

"It's the volcano, isn't it?" Bucky asks, standing next to her and looking at the screens.

She nods, frantic. "Yes. It isn't supposed to act up like this so quickly! We've been monitoring it closely ever since you felt the mountain warming up all those months ago. It's so fast, almost aggressive. It's never happened like this before!" She keeps typing as she talks.

Bucky bites down on his lip and glances towards Steve, who is also looking worried.

“Where’s the group that went out, Sam and the warriors?” Bucky enquires, worrying about them being outside in all this.

“On the other side of the mountain, they are fine, don’t worry about them,” Shuri answers, sparing a quick glance at him.

Bucky smiles, relieved, and points to the lake in front of his hut. "The lake is boiling up in parts, the fish are floating to the top. I've warned everyone I saw, they will warn the rest," Bucky adds as he watches her work.

Steve is standing to the side, listening to them, worrying about what this all means. He didn't even know Wakanda had a volcano, and now it might, what, erupt? What kind of damage are they looking at? Should they evacuate, fight? Fight what… Steve steps closer as they keep talking.

"Thanks. I've also sent out a message to everyone through the beads," Shuri adds and Bucky shares a look with Steve before turning back to the screen and its rapidly blinking numbers. Taking a breath, he puts his hand on Shuri’s, forcing her to stop. She looks at him. “Bucky, I can’t… What?”

"Princess, where's Elethu?"

Steve frowns at that. What does Elethu have to do with it? He is a- Oh. A geologist.

Shuri's shoulders sag and she gives Bucky this look, and Steve knows it doesn’t mean anything good. If the volcano is serious, they're going to hate her answer.

"He took a team out this morning, he was worried about the readings. Said he wanted to get a closer look, plant a few cameras and sent a drone into the caves. They are inside.”

Oh yes, Steve _hates_ the answer.

Bucky’s face turns serious, his fists clenching by his sides. "What is the drone camera picking up?" Both can hear the strain in his voice.

"Heavy activity. We already lost one drone when it went in too deep," Shuri answers and Bucky sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"Shuri, is the volcano going to erupt?" he asks, and Steve can feel the dread.

Shuri looks at Bucky. "I don't know. According to this, yes... and soon."

“Tell them to get the hell out,” Bucky instructs and Shuri shakes her head.

“Not this soon. They will come back tomorrow.”

“Shuri-”

“They need to plant the cameras and lasers. Without them, we can't track it, and therefore have no idea how to plan ahead. I’m sorry, I know you are worried, I am too, but they need to do their job.”

Steve watches them interact, both so serious. Steve knows that even though the relationship is over, Bucky still cares for Elethu. He will still try to make sure that he is okay, and right now, Elethu being on a team inside a volcano that can erupt at any time must be scary.

“I’m staying here with you. Tell me what to do,” Bucky says with finality, and Steve closes his eyes. He understands Bucky's old exasperation more and more each day.

“Okay, I will set you and Steve up with data, small stuff so I can deal with other things, and you can stay until after Steve’s treatment tonight. Then you guys will go get some sleep.”

Bucky steps back into Shuri’s space. “I’m staying until the threat is over. You are not doing this alone.”

Shuri looks down, then up with a teary smile, and hugs him close.

Steve gets ready for a long stay at the lab. If they are staying, so is he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kocuria's note: we've always been completely and utterly _floored_ by the love you all give us in the comments - they, more than anything, have been motivating us to work _more_ , work _harder_ , to get this story out to you. Every comment and kudos you give us is 100% making our days, especially with all the chaos that's currently raging outside this little supersoldier-filled bubble.  
> THANK YOU for being amazing! 💖


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Buck!” he yells once in the hallway.  
> Bucky stops, turns around and Steve takes a breath. “What’s wrong?” Bucky asks, surprised.  
> Steve knows the line, he has said it before, _‘don’t do anything stupid...’_ Instead, he forgoes all the lines and goes with his heart. “I didn’t get my hug.”

13 Nov 2024

* * *

Good morning Wakanda! Did anyone else notice the smoke on top of the mountain? #Wakanda #wakandavolcano @Anathi

@Anathi Yes! Woke up and then there it was, right outside my kitchen window #wakandavolcano #bigmorningsurprise #volcano #smoke @Babalwa

* * *

Something is going on! First the lake gets warmer, and now smoke? Keep those beads close, we will get an announcement soon peeps #announcementimminent #wakanda #wakandavolcano @Fezeka

@Fezeka Not worried, Wakanda can handle it! #Wakandarules #Willbefine #wakandavolcano @Khanyiswa

@Khanyiswa @Fezeka Wakanda rules. Even if the volcano looks about to erupt. Bast will protect us #Wakandavolcano #bastprotectus @Nomlanga

* * *

Good morning Wakanda, here at Wakanda FM we keep you up to date with the latest news, gossip, and anything else that you need to know. First thing on the agenda this morning: if you look out your windows you will see our Intaba Yegolide, or Volcano of Gold for our English-speaking listeners, has decided to wake up for the first time in more than 500 years. Smoke is slowly, almost lazily released upwards and filling our skies. Our source at the palace says that Princess Shuri has been on high alert ever since she was notified of the rising temperatures a few weeks back. Since then, several teams have been dispatched to the caves inside the volcano to closely monitor the situation. It is our understanding that late afternoon yesterday, there's been a sudden jump in the readings. Currently a team is on site. We will have more for you after the nine o’clock news. Stay tuned!

* * *

When Steve wakes, his side of the lab is still dark. Looking around, he sees that Bucky and Shuri are already up, their mattresses empty and blankets neatly folded up. They slept on the floor, or tried to - one of them stayed awake at all times, checking readings, and they talked about strategies late into the night. Somewhere in the early hours of the morning, Steve drifted off, leaving Bucky and Shuri discussing evacuation plans. Bucky was quite stressed, worrying about Elethu and the men inside the lava-filled caves, but he seems to have accepted it's their job. He understands the importance of what they're doing.

They decided to stay on after his treatment, using the bathrooms just off the lab to shower after a day of hard work. Wanda brought them clean sets of clothes - she wanted to stay, but there wasn’t much to be done. She promised to be back early with breakfast. Bucky visibly cheered up at that.

Shifting upright, Steve looks to the far side where the screens are, two small solar lights providing light. The overhead bright lights are still off. Bucky and Shuri stand in front of the big screen, and it looks as if they're having an argument or something. Their voices are low, whispers, but it sounds heated.

They're clearly butting heads, and seeing as both of them are strong willed, he wonders whether he should intervene. With his feet dangling off the cot, he clears his throat.

"What's going on?" he asks loudly, interrupting them. They both turn to him, Bucky looking as if he made a decision, his face stern. One stubborn lock falls into his face, and he keeps trying to push it back. Steve wants to reach out and do it for him. He used to dream about it, and every time he would draw or paint Bucky, that stubborn lock of his made always an appearance...

Steve shakes the thought and looks to Shuri. As capable as she is, she looks young and worried. He knows, he doesn’t know how, but he _knows_ the worry is for Bucky.

Bucky steps away from Shuri towards Steve. "Morning, Steve, did you sleep okay? You really didn't have to stay with me."

“Us,” Shuri adds, causing Bucky to briefly look back at her before he walks over to the counter where they’ve set up refreshments. He presses a few buttons, and Steve hears the distinct sound of coffee brewing.

"I slept fine, thank you. As I said last night, I want to help, and I am not leaving the two of you alone." With a smile, Bucky walks over, giving Steve the cup of hot coffee. Steve takes it gratefully. “Thanks, Buck.”

"How are you feeling? How's your back, your hands?" Bucky asks, trying to determine if Steve's just tired and rumpled, or if there is a problem.

Steve pats his arm comfortingly. "I'm fine, Buck, just rumpled, remember how Falsworth used to say?"

Caught out, Bucky can only laugh fondly.

Shuri watches them with exasperation - these two are worse than her brother and Nakia... Grey hair, that's what they are going to give her, grey hair.Steve takes a few sips, then gets up and walks towards the screens with Bucky.

"What's going on? Why are the two of you fighting?"

"We're not fighting!" Bucky replies quickly and Shuri just pouts and gives him a look.

Steve sighs and turns to Bucky. "Buck, what do you want to do that Shuri doesn't want you to?"

Shuri snorts. Steve still knows Bucky too well. Bucky looks down, then at Shuri, finally focusing on Steve.

"The biggest drone, the one that goes into the deepest cave, was destroyed around five this morning. They need to send in another one, ASAP.”

“Don’t they have cameras set up anyhow?”

“Yes, but this drone not only has a 360° camera, it also has sensors and lasers and... There's a lot of fancy words involved. It's a vital part of finding out when the volcano is going to erupt.”

“So, someone needs to take it to them? There is one right here, I remember you talking about it yesterday…” Steve answers, and from the expression on their faces, he hit jackpot. And Shuri is upset because… “Dammit, Buck!”

Shuri furrows her brow. Of course Steve caught on immediately.

“I’m the best man for the job, Steve.”

“Who’s going with you?”

“No one.”

Steve tilts his head, glancing back to Shuri, then glares at Bucky, his eyes filled with anger. “Are you out of your mind?”

Shuri nods. “Exactly what I said. And why I am pissed,” she replies.

Bucky knows Shuri just got another vote in her corner. He holds out his hands. “Come on, I _am_ the best candidate! I’m faster, stronger, and I know the route. I can load the drone by myself, take the craft, go up, put it down for them, and come back. In and out. Have some faith in me, it's not that dangerous. The volcano is stable for now, I don’t understand why this is such a big deal.”

“Buck, we have all the faith in you, but this _is_ dangerous…” Steve tries and sees Bucky is ready to protest.

Shuri steps up. “Yeah, we know you are capable, we are just _scared_. Especially since you want to go alone, why? I mean, taking someone with you is better, you can still do the heavy lifting, but let someone else drive, be there just in case!”

Bucky gives her an arrogant smile. “Is this because you’re doubting my driving skills?”

Shuri reaches out to smack his arm. “Yes, that’s it, my secret is out,” she snarks.

The thing is, this is the first _real_ mission that Bucky will go on, since going back in time. Since the ”mission” that caused him to end up here, broken and hurt. That ended up with Steve in a hospital, with a heart that took a break. And once again, Bucky wants to do it alone. If Sam were here…

Steve knows there is nothing they can do. Bucky is convinced, and he is stubborn, and maybe, _maybe_ this is what he needs to do. He always wanted to help, and by doing this, maybe he will get some confidence back. This may actually be the perfect opportunity. It's not life threatening, it's not aliens and power hungry mongrels. It's just taking equipment to a geological team of researchers to study a volcano. A milk run.

And if the volcano is active, and one of the researchers is his ex, a very recent one… Well, that’s just extra.

“How long will it take? He just needs to drop it off and come back, how long? I mean, maybe we are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill,” Steve asks, the voice of reason, or trying to be. Bucky snickers at the reference, and Shuri's mouth pulls up as well.

“That’s a good one, for an old man, just saying…” Shuri answers, but turns serious again. “An hour, two max. He needs to drop it off, wait for the team to send it in, then pack their stuff so they can all come back.”

“See, it's not so bad. If I leave within the hour, I will be back before Steve finishes his treatment, then we can go back to the hut…” Bucky tries.

“I don’t like this, Bucky,” Shuri replies with a whine in her voice. Bucky pulls her into a hug.

“Oh come on, it’s not dangerous, I will be back soon! Tell you what, I will take someone with me, to drive, if it makes you feel better, okay…?”

Shuri squeals and does a fist pump. “Yes. See, wasn’t so bad compromising, now was it?”

“No, it wasn’t,” Bucky concedes, stepping away.

Shuri looks back at the screen and starts typing. “You can take Onyeka. I’m arranging it, he is one of the best drivers we have. You know, all of this is so inconvenient, couldn’t it wait for my brother? I mean, T’Challa leaves me in charge for a week, tops, and this happens? He should handle this, he would know what to do!”

Bucky and Steve share a look, both rolling their eyes. Bucky steps closer, putting a hand on Shuri's shoulder.

“So do you. He left you in charge for a reason, don’t try to deny it. You are more than capable. Besides, I said I would help where I can - this is you and me, stepping up to the plate. It will be fine. I will go up to the mountain, drop off your toys, load the team and come back. Then I can continue to clean the hut and make Steve do the dishes and prepare lunch,” Bucky says to lighten the situation, and it works. Shuri snorts, unable to keep stern, and Steve tries to look affronted.

“As if… you will get dry bread if you keep this up. I won’t even put butter on,” Steve jokes, causing Bucky to smile widely.

Shuri puts her hands on Bucky’s cheeks. “You be careful, you hear?

“I will,” Bucky answers and hugs her again.

Steve watches them and feels the ache to hug Bucky as well. He wants to have that freedom with Bucky... but he can’t. Bucky is already giving him more than enough. Working with him, cleaning the hut, planning to visit and live there with him when they can. These past few days he was able to get more quality time with Bucky than in the two years before the Snap.

This is enough. It must be. He doesn’t deserve anything more.

“When are you going?” Steve asks instead, as Shuri lets Bucky go.

“Now. The quicker I go, the quicker I can get back. Listen… I’m sorry I’m going to miss your treatment. I will try to be back before you’re done.” Bucky is now standing in front of Steve, looking so sincere that Steve has no choice but to believe it. He wants to, so badly, but he's got a gut feeling.

Bucky is going to be late. He just knows it.

“Sure, I understand. You take care, you may be a super soldier, but you are still just a man. Go in, do what you need to do, and get out. Got it?”

“Understood,” Bucky replies and starts to make his way out to the hallway. Steve watches his back, remembering another time Bucky left Steve standing alone, going off to war. A war he never returned from.

Steve feels that anxiety bubble up, seeing Bucky leave. Last time he got a hug, this time…

Making up his mind, he runs after Bucky.

“Buck!” he yells once in the hallway.

Bucky stops, turns around and Steve takes a breath. “What’s wrong?” Bucky asks, surprised.

Steve knows the line, he has said it before, ‘ _don’t do anything stupid...’_ Instead, he forgoes all the lines and goes with his heart. “I didn’t get my hug.”

Bucky looks down and swallows before looking up, his eyes so soft that Steve wants to scream. To pull him close and beg him to stay, to ask him if they can just go to the hut and forget all of this. He doesn’t want him to go. He doesn’t want him to go see Elethu.

Bucky slowly walks closer. He also knows the words he is supposed to say: ‘ _you’re a punk’_ and _‘how can I…’_ \- instead, he also abandons the script.

“Let me rectify that,” he answers, smiling, opens his arms and pulls Steve close. Steve wraps his arms tight around Bucky, using all his strength.

He can’t remember the last time he hugged Bucky. Did he, after the Snap? Wait, he did, to say goodbye… But the last hug that wasn’t a _goodbye_ , but a _hello_ , a _good to see you_ … that was years ago. “ _How are you doing, Buck?” “Not bad, for the end of the world.”_

It was the end of the world as they knew it.

He should’ve hugged Bucky more.

Forcing back the tears that threaten to fall, Steve lets go. “Thanks.”

Bucky nods and Steve can see his eyes are also a bit brighter than they were before the hug. He remembers that last hug too.

“Sure. I just hope Elethu will be okay with seeing me… He did say _‘see you around’_ , but I don’t think he meant so soon,” Bucky says and stands up straight.

“I’m sure Elethu will be glad to see you,” Steve answers, easing Bucky’s mind a bit.

“Yeah… Me, or the drone… He is a geek,” Bucky smirks.

“Don’t worry, it’s all going to be fine. You go, I have my treatment, and then this old man can make you lunch again,” Steve jokes and Bucky lets out a burst of laughter, pretending to be serious as he replies.

“You better, and keep those cinnamon thingies warm, you hear? I want four, maybe five…”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I’m sure they have a name, Buck.”

“Yeah. Thingies,” Bucky shrugs and grins as he walks away, not turning away from Steve until the last moment.

Steve turns around to go back into the lab, feeling strain in his cheeks from how hard he's smiling. He sees Shuri in the doorway. She's obviously listened to the whole conversation.

“Are you ready to admit it yet? To yourself and out loud?” she asks, her arms folded. Steve knows what she means. He was, maybe... but he can’t, not anymore. It's too late, years and years too late.

“Shuri-”

“You should. It will help you, both of you. And I want to be there when you realize this,” she comments and turns around, walking back to her screens.

Steve sighs and walks back inside. If he wants to know about Bucky’s progress, he should be as close to Shuri as possible, she is their best bet. Not to mention that he can’t shake that uneasy feeling. He is either a worry-wart, or he's already too used to having Bucky with him non-stop.

Or both.

“Oh, shit…” Steve whispers and sits down. He just thought of another problem.

“What?” Shuri asks, still typing.

“Wanda. She will be here in a few minutes, she is going to be pissed to hear what he's doing,” Steve answers, looking at Shuri. They both pull a face.

“Shit.”

* * *

****

Incoming Kimoyo bead alert

"Wakanda. The volcano is becoming active, and will probably be erupting in the coming days. We will keep you updated. We have taken precautions and there are several contingency plans in place. Be alert at all times. Stay close. Take care of each other. Keep calm. Shuri”

* * *

Called it! Yegolide erupts! #announcementimminent #wakandavolcano @Fezeka

Oh my word. First Big Bad Grape, now Yegolide?! #wakandavolcano @Silumko

Does anyone know if the science team is still in there? #wakandavolcano #team @Ntando

My brother is part of the team, he is leading it. They are still there!!! #worried #wakandavolcano @Rudzani97

@Rudzani97 Holy shit! Stay strong gal! @Mbulelo

* * *

Listeners, we just received a mass message from the palace. Princess Shuri has confirmed that the volcano is indeed expected to erupt, though no specific timeframe has been given. My sources tell me that she and her science team have been working non-stop since yesterday, to get ahead of the situation and to put plans in place to protect Wakanda and its neighbors. The pressure is on, now that the King and Queen are out of the country. My source also tells me that the Queen Mother is preparing the royal halls and has ordered the kitchens to prepare meals and provisions that may become necessary. The way things are being handled, it looks like we can indeed stay calm and carry on. We will of course share more as we hear it. This is Wakanda FM.

* * *

At the hangar, Bucky quickly helps the others to load the craft with everything he needs to take to the team. Elethu is aware that Bucky is the one bringing it, and he didn’t seem to mind - but then again, when Shuri told him, he was surrounded by his colleagues. Who knows what he's really thinking? Bucky hasn’t seen or heard from Elethu ever since the man walked out of his room with a bag over his shoulder. Since then, Bucky spent all his time with Steve and the others. That first evening playing volleyball, then yesterday with Steve, and today... they were planning on a watching a movie tonight. He didn't expect to see Elethu so soon.

Strange thing is, instead of worrying about Elethu, the only thing on Bucky’s mind is Steve.

Steve ran after him, asking where his hug was. Bucky could see the reluctance to ask, the hesitance whether he was allowed to ask for something like that. But he did ask. Bucky wanted to hug him too, there in the lab, but he didn’t, he didn’t think it would be okay. Even with things getting better between them every day, he thought it would still be a while before they were comfortable on a physical level like that. But here they are, again.

Bucky still remembers the feeling. It was familiar - old and small, or muscled and full of energy, he knows his Steve. He knows the feeling he gets hugging him. He knows what the small blip in his heartbeat means, he knows that sudden dip in his stomach. He knows that voice in his head that scream _‘don’t let go’_.

He also knows he isn’t supposed to get these feelings. He shouldn’t. He can’t.

“All done, we can go, Bucky.”

Startled, Bucky turns to Onyeka. “Thank you. Let’s do this! I, for one, have plans for the rest of the day,” he says, getting into the craft and sitting in the passenger seat.

He needs to focus on the job, on getting the equipment out and coming back. He and Steve need to finish the hut, the treatment. Steve already looks much better than he did back at Tony's cottage, all those months ago.

“Me too…” Onyeka replies and starts the craft, slowly making their way out of the hanger and across the plains. Bucky knows that both Shuri and Steve will be watching over the cameras, so he turns around, looking back to the palace. He wants to wave, he wants to smile, but in the end, he just looks towards them. He really hopes this will go quick, so he can go back to the hut.

To Steve.

Steve touches the screen showing the video feed from outside the palace, his hand slightly shaking.

“Shuri.”

“Hmmm?”

“I have a bad feeling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: canonically there _is_ a volcano in Wakanda, called [Golden Volcano](https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Golden_Volcano). We just adapted the name into Xhosa, "intaba" meaning "volcano" and "yegolide" - "of gold" or "golden".


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky turns to Elethu, standing behind him. “This is awesome! What's all this?” he asks, pointing to the microscopes.  
> Indulgently, Elethu steps closer. “This is all the samples we've gathered so far, from different areas. We use it to measure the level of minerals and metals in the soil.”  
> “Why?”  
> “Well, besides the scientific purposes, the metal content itself could potentially show us how dangerous the eruption is going to be. Especially the ones with the higher vibranium count.”  
> Bucky nods. “Because it melts, and could cause explosions, right…?”

13 Nov 2024

The moment Wanda walks into the lab, she knows something's going on, something happened. Steve is sitting at a make-shift cot, staring out the window towards the mountain. He looks worried, tense and tired. Shuri is typing away. Bucky-

“Where’s Bucky?” she asks stepping into the lab. Steve and Shuri turn to her, glance at each other, then back at her.

“He went to the mountain-” Shuri starts.

“The one that may or may not be erupting? The one where his barely-just-ex-boyfriend is? _That_ mountain?!” she asks, her voice going a bit shrill at the end. She absent-mindedly puts the basket with food down on the table next to the coffee.

“Yes. We lost our biggest drone and he volunteered to take it to them. He should only be gone for about two hours!” Shuri explains quickly and Wanda sits on the edge of the bed heavily.

“Then why is Steve so worried?”

“Because…” Steve sighs and folds his hands together. “Don’t mind me, I’m just being an idiot, worrying about Bucky having a mission like that.”

Shuri and Wanda share a look, suddenly understanding what he means. It makes sense - there is a real sense of danger here, not to mention the tension of Bucky seeing Elethu again as well.

Wanda takes his hand. “It’s going to be okay. But I understand, Bucky does bring out the overprotective mode out in all of us. I mean, he is older and stronger, yet we all want to wrap him in a blanket and just keep him safe. He just needs to drop off the drone and come back though, right?”

Steve puts his hand on top of hers. “Yes. Thank you, Wanda.”

“Yeah. Oh, and wait for them to pack their stuff up, he is bringing the team back too,” Shuri adds, typing away. She presses a few buttons and Elethu’s face shows up on screen.

“ _Princess.”_

“Hi, Elethu. Bucky left about twenty minutes ago, Onyeka is driving, they should be there any time now. They’re bringing a few smaller drones for you, too, and some sensors for extra readings around the area.”

“ _Thank you. Once we set that up, we will load up the equipment and cameras. We're nearly packed, so it should be quick. I must admit, we are all very keen to get out of here, even though the readings are fascinating,”_ Elethu grins as he gestures around. From what they can see, they're quite high up, standing at the entrance to a big cave, several strong lamps lighting it up. They can see heat waves coming off the walls, and Elethu is grimey and soaked with sweat.

“I can imagine. The temperatures are rising, you all must feel like in a sauna?” Shuri says, and they can hear several people laughing, a bit nervously, in the background.

Elethu smiles as well, though it's tight. _“Yeah, well, I would take a nice cool swim and some ice tea just about now.”_

“They're almost there, then you can all come home.”

Elethu opens his mouth to reply, then looks off-screen. _“Ah, there they are.”_ Elethu pans the screen and they can see the craft coming to a stop, Bucky standing up and looking in their direction.

“Be quick, you hear?” Shuri orders one last time.

“ _Will do, Princess,”_ Elethu says and then the screen goes black.

Steve feels that tug - that inkling that something is wrong. He hates it. It isn’t jealousy, he doesn't think - he has no reason to be, right? He knows he shouldn’t be greedy over Bucky’s time like that, but he... he misses him, already. He wants them to go back to the hut, talk about any and everything. Even the uncomfortable stuff. There is so much he has to tell Bucky, so many things, and most of them aren’t even about the past.

Bucky feels more and more nervous the closer they get to the mountain. He's had no contact with Elethu since that day... He isn’t very worried, he knows it will be okay, they're both grown-ups and understand the job at hand - yet, a small part of him is so anxious.

He hasn’t heard from Elethu these past few days, and he's missed it. Before, they would talk every morning, send each other pictures and memes during the day, share titbits and talk late into the night. It was a close bond, and it suddenly came to a crashing halt.

But there's also the fact that these few days spent with Steve completely took hold of him, leaving space for little else. Once again, the only thing on his mind is Steve. Steve’s condition, Steve’s treatment, Steve’s friendship, Steve, Steve, Steve…

Not to mention that moment at the hut. He knew what he said upset Steve, that Peggy knew, but why? He knows Steve'd talked about him a lot, the kids confirmed it, but didn’t she talk back? Didn’t she ask Steve about it, wondering if he knew?

Steve was so upset. Even old and mellow, he felt enough anger to throw a temper tantrum and rush out. Bucky saw that tight clench of Steve’s jaw, the way his wrinkled hands started to shake in anger. But why?

And when he got so desperate to get ‘ _in_ ’ on the hut. Did he really think Bucky would cast him aside? Make him help, but never let him enjoy it? He was so quick to say he will never go back to the family holiday home, won’t invite the kids to the hut... Was it about what's been said before he went out to be alone, or is he just that desperate to win Bucky’s friendship back? To fix things before he... before he dies?

His biggest worry now is, how can Steve still have such an impact on him, even old, even after everything he's done? Bucky wasn’t turned on, no, but there was that overwhelming feeling of _‘this is the person who has my heart’_. This is the person I willingly followed into war, into battle, into death, and would do so again. That moment he looked in Steve’s eyes as he held his hand against his mouth... how Steve stared back, a million emotions in his eyes. Bucky couldn’t identify them. He doesn’t even want to try - he just knows that he will probably never get his heart back from Steve. Pieces of it, yes, maybe even enough to move on, but the biggest part, the deepest one? That’s going to die with Steve, and it won’t be decades from now. A few years, tops…

Taking a deep breath, Bucky tries to think of other things, take his mind off Elethu, off Steve, that whole depressing direction. Instead, he focuses back on the job at hand.

He can see there is a thin twirl of smoke rising from the mountain that wasn’t there yesterday. This isn’t good. They've also passed more animals than usual, all going deeper into the jungle, away from the mountain. If that isn’t telling…

Bucky waits for the craft to come to a complete stop before jumping out. Elethu is waiting for them in the shade of the cave, and from his body language alone Bucky knows he's also tense. Taking a deep breath, Bucky picks up the heaviest drone and starts to make his way to the entrance. That way he can keep his hands busy. Onyeka is following behind him. Elethu straightens, and meets Bucky halfway.

“Hi, Elethu,” Bucky smiles.

Elethu smiles too, the tension draining from his shoulders. “Hello, James, it is good to see you. Do you need help?” He points to to the drone.

Bucky shakes his head. “Nah, I’m okay, maybe you can bring the rest of the boxes. Don’t know about you, but I’ll be glad to get off this mountain, it’s so hot here.”

Elethu starts to laugh in earnest, before pointing back. “This is nothing, wait till you get inside!”

“Ouch,” Bucky replies with a grimace and goes ahead. Elethu walks to the craft and picks up two boxes.

Bucky feels himself relax - this wasn’t as awkward as he imagined it would be. They're both dealing with this like two professionals sharing one goal. It will be fine.

Inside, Bucky puts the drone down on the floor, next to a workstation consisting of two folding tables - one holds screens, the other microscopes, several samples, and a few of the smaller drones. Bucky is immediately thrilled by all of this, leans closer to investigate, a huge grin on his face. The other researchers watch him with a smile.

He turns to Elethu, standing behind him. “This is awesome! What's all this?” he asks, pointing to the microscopes.

Indulgently, Elethu steps closer. “This is all the samples we've gathered so far, from different areas. We use it to measure the level of minerals and metals in the soil.”

“Why?”

“Well, besides the scientific purposes, the metal content itself could potentially show us how dangerous the eruption is going to be. Especially the ones with the higher vibranium count.”

Bucky nods. “Because it melts, and could cause explosions, right…?”

“That’s correct,” Elethu agrees and Bucky does a fist pump. The others laugh at that, and one of the researchers steps closer.

“Uhm, sir- mr- um, Shuri said you noticed the lake is boiling, yesterday?”

Bucky turns to him and holds out his hand. “Bucky,” he introduces with a calming smile.

“Tsietso,” the man answers and waits.

“Yes, the lake in front of my old hut, me and Ste-” Bucky stops, clearing his throat and looking apologetically at Elethu, before moving on. “Me and Captain Rogers were cleaning out my old hut, and on our way back I heard bubbles. Went to check it out and saw fish floating on top. Steve noticed that it seemed to be hotter in certain areas, you could see the steam rising.” The researcher nods and looks back to the screen, modifying some data. Bucky glances at Elethu, but he's already busy unpacking the new boxes. Bucky looks back to the screens too, curious.

“That is what worries us the most,” Tsietso says, noticing his interest and pointing to a diagram.

“Why is that?” Bucky inquires, standing at the table and looking down at the screens. The table with the microscopes and samples is forgotten for now.

“Because that means the heat is coming from deeper inside the cave, underground. This means that when this thing erupts, it isn’t going to be small.”

“And that it may be much sooner than we anticipated,” Elethu adds, standing closer and holding the new, small cameras.

“So, shouldn’t we get off this mountain as quick as possible?” Bucky wants to know.

“Yes, we just need to send this drone out, set it up, synchronise it with our systems, pack the rest up, and then we can go. Half the stuff here is already packed up,” Elethu answers.

Bucky smiles and claps his hands together, excited. “Well, let’s do this.”

Back at the lab, Steve is once again lying on the table. Shuri is busy with her work, and this time, instead of a brown mop of hair and a metal arm to keep him company, there's a red-headed witch. She's also worried about all of this, Steve can tell. She keeps folding and unfolding her hands, picking at her nails. The urge to tell her not to bite them is strong - Sarah had that tendency as a child, she would bite her nails something fierce, Peggy would get mad and tell her to stop. Steve put a crayon or paintbrush in her hand, instead, and tell her to draw something, or take her for a run - anything to calm her down, to take her mind off of it. Art was the most successful - you can’t really paint or draw well with a nail stuck in your mouth.

Wanda looks back to the clock on the wall. Steve’s eyes follows hers. It’s been an hour since Bucky left.

“They should be halfway done by now, right?” Wanda asks.

Steve nods. “Yeah, I’m sure it’s okay, Wanda.”

Wanda sags back against the chair. “I know, I just, I can’t help it, the last time he went out on his own, with a ‘mission’, so to speak…”

“... he - we - watched a younger version of himself die. He was hurt back then, Wanda, he was so hurt…” Steve replies, his voice soft.

They all remember that, they all remember what happened afterwards. She is right though, this is his first official/unofficial mission since then.

He reaches out and takes Wanda’s hand. “It’s different now. He's made such huge and amazing progress. I mean, look at him, he's laughing again, he makes jokes, he dances…

“The last time I saw him dance like that was before he left for the war, you know? He's so light and carefree, comfortable in his body, in the way he moves. He didn’t have it before, even here in Wakanda. He hasn’t had that since he was freed from Hydra. This is him, all him. He's discovering parts of himself he didn’t dare touch before. Maybe it will take years, and maybe it will not be easy, but he has _you_ all.

“I mean, Shuri and you? Wanda, I was once part of his closest circle, one of those he wanted to protect at all costs. It was me, his sisters and his parents. Probably six people in total. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for us. He fought with us and for us, he went out of his way to take care of us. He left school early to work at the docks to help his parents feed his sisters. He helped with their homework, he played dolls with them. He showed Becca how to tie ribbons in her hair, how to braid it. He went without dinner so we could eat. He would be so tired at work because he sat with me all night, making sure I didn’t die… He...” Steve’s voice trails off, his eyes thick with tears. Wanda grabs his hand tighter, offering comfort.

Steve smiles and looks her in the eye. “He is the most amazing person we have ever met, all of us in this room. It’s okay to worry about him, because _someone_ has to. He doesn’t worry about himself enough. He's starting to learn, but he still and always will put other people ahead of himself. It’s who he is. The difference is, it took you and Shuri one glance to see it, to appreciate it. To know that because he protects you, you should protect _him_ in turn. It took me, a stubborn bastard, decades to realize that. That’s all on me, but I do know it now. I will never take it for granted again, I can only hope I live long enough to show him that.

“But... don’t mind me. Point is, I'm also worried about him, I don’t like him going out there alone either. Not without back up, all of the Avengers behind him. I wish Sam was with him, or Pietro, or you… definitely you.”

Wanda wipes a tear from her eye as she nods. “Thank you.”

“Just stating facts. One more hour of this anxiety, then it will be over. Don’t know about you, but I’m making him buy the first round for the worry he puts us through,” Steve replies, lightening the mood.

Wanda snickers and nods. “Yeah, or hide those cinnamon thingies he likes so much…”

Steve bursts out laughing at that. “Yeah… that would show him.”

Bucky watches the drone flying over the cavern they're standing in. They had to go into the cave to set it up, but now the lasers and cameras are up, all shiny and high tech. They're about 300 meters into the mountain, having come through ups and downs and turns before they reached this huge chamber. Bucky stands still, jaw dropped in amazement. The lava is bubbling about a hundred meters below them. It's scorching hot, his clothes completely soaked through with sweat, his hair sticking against his scalp, yet he doesn’t notice it - not when, for the first time in his life, he's inside a volcano, looking at lava… Real lava! Something he only read about in books. Now he's standing on the edge of a cliff inside a mountain, and the boiling hot, melted rock is bubbling beneath him. Next to him are Tsietso and Elethu, both looking down too.

“Okay, the drone is all set up, we can go back,” Elethu finally says, after a few minutes of amazed staring. He looks at the tablet in his hand, keeping track of the drone.

“Eww, good! Don’t know about you two, but I could do with a cold beer or ice tea, hell, even water right now...” Bucky sighs, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Oh, yes… That does sound good,” Elethu agrees and they start making their way back. Elethu pulls out the radio from his belt and activates it. “Station one, over.”

“ _Station one, receive you, over.”_

“We can pack it up, boys, let’s go home. Over and out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you can tell, we're entering the action part of the story - things will happen quite rapidly from now on, so we spent the last two weeks pulling out all the stops to get ready...  
> We've been planning to speed up the publication schedule once we hit this point, ever since we started publishing. We're super happy to say, even with the real life mess going on, it's going to happen - starting this week, the chapters are going to be coming out three times a week: Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. That's going to last for the duration of this action sequence.  
> We can't wait to see what you think. This is going to be a truly wild ride 😃


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Elethu, warn Shuri. Tell her to activate evacuation procedures. Everyone else, grab what you can, we're leaving right now. I want everyone to be in that craft in sixty seconds. Let's go!" Bucky orders and they all jump to follow through. Elethu has his beads activated and dialling the palace, making his way to the craft with the rest following behind. Bucky stays back, making sure everyone listens. One of the scientists goes back to fold the table up.  
> "Leave it, go, go, go!" Bucky snaps, waving him away.  
> "But-"  
> "No buts, it's a _table_ , I'll buy you a new one, just _go_!"

13 Nov 2024

Bucky follows Elethu and Tsietso as they walk back to the campsite. They've passed another cave on their way to the here, and he was too focused to ask anything then, but now, on their way back, his curiosity gets the better of him. Once they pass the entrance again, he stops.

"Where does this go?"

Elethu stops and turns back to him. "Also outside, except it's more difficult and a bit unstable. It'd be fine for one person, but not for a group carrying equipment like we did."

"How many caves are there down here?"

"About four? There used to be much more, but they've been sealed off, they were too unstable and dangerous. We have only these four now, forming a cross, so to speak. This one leads out towards the east side of the mountain, and the one we currently use goes north."

"Is there regular check-ups or maintenance on these tunnels?" Bucky asks, looking back one last time before starting to walk back to the other two, making their way back to the campsite.

"There used to be. Regularly, but then, you know... Thanos..." Elethu trails off.

"Yeah...I do know," Bucky agrees softly.

They don't speak much on their way back, everyone just wanting to get off the mountain. All three of them are on their second water bottle to try and stave off dehydration. Their clothes are sticking to them, wet and dirty. The idea of a long cool shower is a fantasy they all share.

Once back, they help with packing up the rest of the stuff. They're keeping two tablets unpacked, open to track the situation - one with an unobstructed view of the cavern through the drone, the other with numbers and diagrams.

Bucky stops and points to one of the numbers. "Elethu, don't get me wrong, but wasn't that number much lower when I got here?"

Elethu stops as well, inspecting the numbers. He looks up, alarmed. "Hey guys?" Elethu calls out, and the rest of the team rush over, talking rapidly in Xhosa. Bucky looks back in the direction of the cavern, an unsettled feeling in his stomach. He doesn't know what this means, but he knows one thing - they need to get _off_ this mountain.

Bucky looks down, then crouches, grabbing a handful of dirt - it's warm, and the ground seems to be shaking slightly, but not from his touch. Taking out his bottle of water, he places it on the ground. Soft ripples start forming immediately.

"Where's the drone?" Elethu's voice is frantic, on edge, and Bucky looks away from the bottle to watch the team.

"Here, on the south-west side of the cavern. It's making its way to that small open area-”

“What's that... Is that an air pocket?” Tsietso asks, looking concerned, but also fascinated.

"Check the readings, Shuri's new camera has sensors to analyse gasses," Elethu instructs and one of the researchers picks up the other tablet, holding them both side by side.

Bucky has a bad feeling about this. They're just inside the cave, only about ten meters from the entrance, Elethu and the others halfway between Bucky and the exit. Bucky tilts his head to listen. His enhanced hearing is picking up some noise, but the others' voices are a bit distracting.

"Oxygen high... sulphur dioxide high? Oh, but-"

"Quiet!" Bucky orders and they spin around.

"James?”

"Shhh... sorry, I'm hearing something from the cavern. It's a rumbling or something? I can't..." Bucky tries, pulling his face in concentration, and takes a step closer to the cavern.

"Don't! Stop!" Elethu cries out and Bucky halts immediately, taking a step back towards them. Tsietso looks down to the screen and then cusses out loud.

"What?" Elethu asks, his attention back to the men next to him, the strange sounds momentarily forgotten. Bucky comes closer to them, trying to look over Elethu's shoulder.

"The analysis just came back."

"Okay, and?" Elethu asks.

"Methane gas,” Tsietso says. ”Very unstable," he adds, looking quickly at Bucky.

Fuck.

Bucky feels his heart skipping a beat, his stomach dropping to the floor. Methane, highly explosive... They need to get out, right the hell _now_.

"Elethu, warn Shuri. Tell her to activate evacuation procedures. Everyone else, grab what you can, we're leaving right now. I want everyone to be in that craft in sixty seconds. Let's go!" Bucky orders and they all jump to follow through. Elethu has his beads activated and dialling the palace, making his way to the craft with the rest following behind. Bucky stays back, making sure everyone listens. One of the scientists goes back to fold the table up.

"Leave it, go, go, go!" Bucky snaps, waving him away.

"But-"

"No buts, it's a _table_ , I'll buy you a new one, just _go_!"

Bucky is back in Sergeant Barnes mode - the man looking after a team, the one who makes sure the civilians are safe. He is a soldier, yes, but a protector first. He makes sure everyone is outside and making their way to craft, before he finally follows. As he reaches the entrance, there's a thundering sound and the cave starts to shake.

Elethu, who is talking to Shuri, stops, something catching his attention on top of the mountain. "Get in!" he screams to the others, who immediately jump into the craft. Forgetting about Shuri, he looks up to see Bucky's crouched form holding fast to one of the walls next to the cave mouth as debris starts to fall down.

Once the shaking finally slows down, Bucky gets up to run to the craft. The ground suddenly splits open, the crack zigzagging right in front of him. He looks towards the craft and sees it's already lifting off the ground, everyone safe on board. The crack ends where the craft was just a minute ago. The ground opens futher, about ten meters and growing rapidly. Bucky can jump that, he _has_ before....

"James, come on!" Elethu yells, the call to the palace forgotten.

Bucky gets ready to jump when another quake hits, causing the chasm to open further. "I can't! It's too unstable!" Bucky yells back, still holding on to the rocks at the entrance.

"Bucky, go to the other cave! The east one!" Tsietso yells.

"What?! He can't!" Elethu cries, turning to the man standing behind him.

Tsietso points upward. Bucky tries to look, too, but can't see a thing.

Elethu's eyes widen in shock. "Go back, now!"

"What's going on?" Bucky asks, still trying to look up. He can't, the stones and dust are falling too fast and right into his face. He has to move back inside for cover.

"The explosion opened a hole, lava is starting to flow down this side, it's about three meters above you."

"There's no way out?" Bucky asks as the ground shakes underneath him. The only cover he can take is back inside the cave. Elethu is looking at Bucky, fear in his eyes.

“James, he's right. Go quickly, through the eastern cave, keep your head down and make haste, we will call you once we're at that exit, pick you up there."

“Yeah, okay,” Bucky replies, turning around and rushing back to the cave. The fork is about fifty meters in, but he needs to go fast because it isn’t a straight line - it's filled with twists and turns that will slow him down.

Steve finishes his treatment and both he and Wanda sit, staring at the clock. It’s been two hours and they haven’t heard anything from the researchers at the mountain, except that Bucky arrived safely. Standing up from the coffee table, Steve walks over to where Shuri is sitting.

“Any news?”

“No, the drone's been sent out though, it came online about twenty minutes ago.”

“So they safely let it fly? Set it out? Set if free?” Wanda tries, but can’t get the right term. Steve can't help but agree with her descriptions.

Shuri giggles. “Something like that. Check this out…” She pushes a few buttons and they can suddenly see a large cavern, high rock ceiling splitting in half, a few small tunnels, and below them - a lake of molten lava. It's bright, red and orange and yellow, like swirls of fire.

“That’s wicked,” Wanda exclaims, leaning closer. Steve just stands, mesmerized as the drone continues its route.

“See that cave opening here?” Shuri points, and Steve and Wanda nod. “That’s where the team came in to set the drone up, before going back.”

Steve breath catches in his throat. “They were there. Bucky was in that cavern, with the lava?”

Shuri turns to look at him. “Yes.”

Wanda closes her eyes, willing herself to breath calmly. Steve does the same.

“Shuri, tell me they are leaving the mountain soon.”

“As in, right now,” Wanda adds.

Shuri looks back to the screen. “Yes, they did what they were supposed to, now they must just pack up and leave. I will call them in a minute, asking how far they are. I just need to sync up the sensors that will give me readings on what is inside the cave, the oxygen levels, other gasses and so on.”

“That’s quite important, isn’t it?” Steve asks, watching her work. Every few seconds or so he would glance up from the screen to the window, to the mountain in the distance. It looks so… unthreatening. Except for that tiny swirl of smoke.

As Steve watches the mountain, he starts to frown. He reaches out to Wanda and Shuri.

“Ladies?”

“Steve, hold on…”

“Shuri, look at the mountain. Tell me your readings and cameras are also picking that up,” Steve replies. Shuri and Wanda stop looking at the drone video and focus on Yegolide.

“Picking what up?” Wanda asks.

“The smoke is getting thicker and heavier,” Steve replies, and just as he speaks, a screen comes up with Elethu’s face.

Shuri opens the call straight away. “Elethu, what is going on?”

 _“The mountain is unstable, warn Birnin Zana and all surrounding villages. We need to start evacuation procedures right now!”_ Elethu yells and they watch as he runs to the craft and the screen suddenly tilts as he gets in. The others follow him, carrying whatever they can.

“Where’s Bucky?!” Steve cries.

 _“Taking command, ordering us all around. He's making sure everyone is getting out safely. He's right behind us,”_ Elethu answers.

Steve tries to calm his breathing. If Bucky is taking charge and ordering them out, something must have happened. Something bad. Wanda grabs and clutches his hand.

Steve looks back to Elethu, trying to see anything beyond him - there's small debris and stones falling down, like dust. It's dark, but he can't see Bucky.

"Elethu-" Shuri starts, but Steve leans over her shoulder.

"What's going on? What upset Bucky?" Steve interrupts, his voice hard. Elethu stops, glaring at Steve.

_"The cave is unstable. He heard a rumbling and we discovered pockets of methane gas."_

"Oh God..." Wanda breathes, her free hand clasping her mouth.

 _"We need to evacu-"_ Elethu doesn't finish his sentence as a loud rumble and a blast are heard. They watch the screen helplessly as the whole mountain starts to shake. The screen shifts and they see smoke, bursting out in huge clouds before dispersing sideways. The debris falls back to the cave entrance... the entrance where they see a silhouette.

The screen goes black.

"Call back!" Wanda and Steve yell at the same time and Shuri tries, but Elethu isn't answering. Steve looks up to the window and freezes. The swirling smoke is now a huge black cloud.

"He isn't answering, he's probably too busy." Shuri tries to call again.

Steve puts his hand on her shoulder. "Don't. They will call, we can't interrupt them, and you need to do what he says."

"Which is _what_?" Shuri cries out.

Steve turns to her, giving her his full attention. "You're in charge now, Shuri, your responsibility is to Wakanda. Evacuate. Get the people to safety. That volcano is erupting, we need to figure out how that's gonna happen, the destruction path. We need to plan ahead for minimal damages and casualties. We need to know how big it’s going to be. Will it only affect Wakanda, or the neighbouring countries too? We need to warn them, and make teams to send out and help them.”

“But, Bucky!” Shuri is close to tears and Steve squeezes her shoulders.

“I know. Shuri, trust me, I know… but you need to put your emotions aside. Wakanda needs their leader now. Step up. We all know you can do it. Your brother trusted you to do it. _Bucky_ trusts you to do it. Let’s do this. We'll all help.”

Shuri looks at Steve, then back at Wanda, who's nodding, her stance strong and determined.

“Okay, we need to analyse the situation. I have already put in different algorithms to determine possible lava flows, now that we have more data we can pinpoint the path more effectively.” Shuri starts to type with new vigour. About five minutes later, a call comes in. Elethu.

“Elethu! Is everyone okay? Are you on your way back?” Shuri throws the questions at him, and his expression makes Steve’s heart skip a beat.

_“We are on our way to the east entrance. The lava is flowing down the north side, way more aggressively than what we predicted so far. It's good news for the palace and the big villages - this side is sparsely populated, so it will make evacuation easier. It's the best case scenario for the capital, really. We won’t know anything more straight away, not without analysing the data.”_

“Why the east entrance?” Shuri asks, her voice soft. She knows, too. Hears what Elethu isn't saying.

_“To pick up James. The lava was too quick, the ground unstable - he got trapped, so we told him to go through the east entrance. We're picking him up there.”_

It's quiet in the lab. Shuri nods, trying to figure out what to say. “I- okay, uhm, keep me updated. I’m trying to determine the path of the lava flow and eruption timeline, this information will help. Keep sending me any information as you see, visual cues…” Shuri orders.

 _“Yes, Princess,”_ Elethu answers before ending the call.

Steve is standing in front of the window, looking at the mountain. Bucky is somewhere inside that thing. He clenches his fists and then lets go, folding his arms. He _knew_ Bucky should have stayed in the lab. He had a bad feeling.

And that feeling isn’t easing up - in fact, it's only getting worse. Much worse.

Bucky rushes to reach the split he saw earlier, but it isn’t easy. The cave is unstable, his path obstructed by rocks falling. He narrowly misses a big one a few meters out, only his training saving him.

Ah, there it is.

Catching the wall with his metal arm, he swings himself into the 90-degree angle and rushes towards the exit. Elethu was right, this path is much more uneven. His progress is much worse here.

Slowing down, he tries to take fast close steps, instead of big long ones.

He keeps this up for about ten minutes. At one point he has to crouch down and crawl through a part where the ceiling is low overhead. His clothes have long been wet with sweat, and now he's even more dirty.

As he turns, he comes to a complete stop.

“Oh fuck no…”

There's a drop - clearly there was a stone staircase here, before, but half of it has broken off during the quakes. It opens to a wide fracture and then, on the other side and quite a bit lower, the cave continues.

But he needs to go down. He could jump, but he might fall on the rocks below because of the quakes. There are a few big, jagged rocks down there, and he really doesn’t want to risk landing wrong and busting his ankle - that would hinder him even more. He looks back toward the wall of the cave - some rocks are still sticking out. Half the staircase may be gone, but there's still enough left over that he can, maybe, possibly, climb down. He will just have to hug the wall.

Fuck, this is going to take some time.

Bucky lifts his wrist, calling Elethu.

_“James. We are here.”_

“Hi, listen, I’m about… actually, I have no idea where I am. On top of a staircase?”

_“It’s about halfway. Once you're down, there's a medium size cavern you need to go through, then another 100 meters to the exit.”_

“Listen, how's it looking outside?”

_“Rough, but more or less contained. I think these are just the first slight shocks that we experienced. The lava that is flowing out, but it seems to be contained to the north side.”_

“Did you warn Shuri?”

_“Yes. She's aware and activated all the necessary procedures. Mass warnings have been released, the warriors deployed, and all villagers on this side told to evacuate.”_

“Good, that’s good.”

_“We will wait here for you.”_

“No,” Bucky answers his voice steady but gruff.

_“James-”_

“No, the staircase is mostly gone. I need to climb down to the bottom of this crevice before I can even attempt the last stretch. There’s rocks everywhere, it's going to take a while. I want you to get out of the path of the lava and get to the lab ASAP, you need to help Shuri. You need to help her, so she can save Wakanda. Minimize the damage. Please.”

 _“I can’t_ leave _you here!”_ Elethu sounds frantic.

“Yes, you can. You can come back for me. I will let you know of my progress, I will call once I’m down and through. You can go to the lab, drop everything off, and send someone to pick me up. Don’t waste time here on me. Besides, if I’m out and you aren’t here yet, I will make a run for it. I can run far and fast, don’t worry.”

_“James-”_

“It’s an order, Elethu,” Bucky replies, staring. He knows the the other can barely see him, since it's dark with only a little bit of light coming from the flashlight on his mobile, but he still puts his best commanding officer face on.

 _“We’re not soldiers, not like you. We are scientists and we-”_ Elethu trails off, but Bucky sees him finishing the thought in his head - _we preserve human life_. There's concern writ on his face - Bucky can see it clearly, since _they_ are outside, in the clear light.

Bucky smiles and nods. He will always have a soft spot for this man. “Then make it a request, from a civilian to a civilian.”

_“I can’t-”_

“Then from a friend to a friend. We’re still friends, right?” Bucky asks softly, a last time, trying to convey his emotions.

 _“Yes, of course...”_ Elethu says softly.

“Then go. I will be okay. I need to know you all are fine, I can’t worry about you _and_ getting out of here. One thing at a time.”

_“I’m sending Onyeka back, you better be outside by then, you hear?”_

“Loud and clear.”

_“See you soon, James.”_

“Thanks, Elethu.”

Bucky hangs up and places the phone carefully in his breast pocket, facing out, light illuminating the way.

“Okay, here goes. Supersoldier climbing down a dark cliff… Thanks, Hydra… Assholes…”

His grip is strong, the metal arm reliable. The first few steps are easy, he makes good progress - it’s in the lower part, where he doesn’t have real steady place for his feet, that things get difficult.

The ground starts to shake again, the whole cliff trembling, and Bucky presses himself against the wall, hiding his head under his flesh arm. The fingers of his metal hand are embedded in the rock face and he can feel it shifting under him.

“No… oh, god, not again…” Bucky whispers, not failing to see the irony of once again hanging in the air, barely holding on. This fall wouldn’t be a long as the one before, but it’s still about fifty meters and strewn with rocks of all sizes.

There's a large explosion somewhere in the cave, and the whole mountains shakes. The last thing Bucky is aware of is that once again he is falling, his hand outstretched.

And this time there’s no Steve yelling his name.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The craft is nearly here, they must have picked him up," Shuri answers, and Steve and Wanda sigh in relief.  
> “But- why-” Steve can't shake the nagging feeling of something being horribly wrong. Elethu would have called, right? _Bucky_ most definitely would have called. Something is wrong. "Call them."  
> "What?"  
> "Something is wrong. Call them. Please," Steve says.

13 Nov 2024

* * *

BREAKING NEWS: Yegolide erupts! Ancient volcano wakes up in Wakanda. (TV news, a picture of a volcano with words underneath)

* * *

It's official, the volcano is soon to erupt. Follow #Wakandavolcano for all the latest updates. The Palace has sent out evacution instructions and seem to be dealing with it swiftly and adequately. @Official Wakanda 

@OfficialWakanda #Wakandavolcano Is it true that a science team were in the caves but have been recalled? @Zodumo

@Zodumo @Official Wakanda #Wakandavolcano Yes! My brother Tsietso is on the team. They replaced a drone this morning, White Wolf @MyNameIsBucky took it to them. They just evacuated a few minutes ago! @Zubenathi

* * *

WakandaFM: We have confirmation from the Palace that the volcano is indeed about to erupt. Our sources say that the geological team present at the site earlier today have been evacuated. Although unconfirmed, it is believed that one man was left behind. Details are unclear at the moment. We urge every Wakandan to stay calm and take the necessary precautions.

We've been told that King T'Challa and Queen Nakia have been informed and requested to return immediately. We will have more as information comes in. Keep your beads with you.

* * *

Back at the lab, Shuri works overtime, frantically trying to keep on top of the situation, with Wanda and Steve assisting. The necessary warnings have been sent out, the neighbouring countries have been notified. Even if they've seen the smoke and try to prepare, their technology isn’t as good as Wakanda's - nowhere near good enough to be of any use here. Shuri made teams consisting of scientists and warriors that are deployed to endangered villages, to help wherever they can. They're armed with force field walls - the fields and rivers will be fine, it’s the villages and towns they need to protect.

It's been thirty minutes, but it feels like hours - so far they haven't heard anything back from Elethu. All three of them can't help but wonder what is going on, whether Bucky is okay. He's still in that mountain - a mountain that's slowly, almost lazily, erupting.

Steve keeps thinking about the concern in Elethu's eyes. He knows Elethu fell in love with Bucky, and considering how Steve feels, he can easily imagine Elethu's worry. Bucky is trapped. The implications of that are terrifying.

The silence is broken by Steve's phone ringing loudly. Shit, they all forgot about Sam. Taking a breath, he answers.

"Sam?"

_"What the hell is going on!?"_

"Where are you guys now?" Steve asks instead, as Wanda and Shuri lean in closer to listen.

“ _On our way back. We were about half an hour walk from the palace, when suddenly we heard this loud noise, the earth shook and suddenly smoke is filling the sky."_

"It's the volcano, it's erupting."

_"The- wait, what?! Did you say volcano, as in a lava spewing mountain? The one Elethu took readings of not two days ago? That one?"_

"Yes," Steve says carefully.

 _"What the fuck...”_ Steve can relate, he wants to know that too. Before he can answer, Sam goes on, _"Okay, what do you want us to do?"_ Sam asks, already in crisis mode.

Steve smiles proudly. "Shuri sent out evacuation plans and warnings to all of Wakanda. Can you and the rest report to Okoye? She can send you all where you'll be needed the most. Shuri is managing the situation and communicating through the beads, Okoye will know how to handle it in the field."

_"Sure, absolutely. What are you going to do?"_

"I'm helping Shuri in the lab, we're trying to determine the path of the lava flow and the severity of the eruption, to determine how to prepare."

_"Okay, I'll call you later. Oh, hey, is Barnes coming too? He knows the villagers better than me and Pietro. We could certainly use his help."_

Shuri looks at Steve sharply, wanting to hear what he has to say. Steve bites on his lip before answering, "He's already in the field, he went to retrieve the researchers from the mountain. They're on their way back."

_"Good, that's good. Talk to you soon."_

"Be careful, okay?"

_"Will do."_

Steve hangs up the phone, looking at the women. "I couldn't tell him, he would insist on going there himself, and we can't risk it. We need him, Pietro and the rest of the warriors to help evacuating. If Elethu needs help, we will send someone."

"We understand, Steve, it's a good idea," Wanda replies, smiling reassuringly. Steve sighs, hoping he's doing the right thing.

Shuri looks back to the screen. "It's been nearly forty minutes since I spoke to Elethu, he should've picked Bucky up by now, right?"

"Yes, can you track the craft?" Steve asks, also keen to hear back from them. From Bucky, mostly.

"Yes, I can, it's- oh, wow, thank Bast!" Shuri exclaims and visibly relaxes.

"What is it?" Wanda wants to know, stepping closer. Steve is feeling a bit hopeful too.

"The craft is nearly here, they must have picked him up," Shuri answers, and Steve and Wanda sigh in relief.

“But- why-” Steve can't shake the nagging feeling of something being horribly wrong. Elethu would have called, right? _Bucky_ most definitely would have called. Something is wrong. "Call them."

"What?"

"Something is wrong. Call them. Please," Steve adds as an afterthought. They look at him, picking up on his anxiety.

“Okay. Sure, yes…”

The screen opens up to Elethu's face, looking tired and drawn. That confirms Steve’s suspicions.

_"Princess."_

"What's going on?" she asks without greeting.

Elethu takes a breath and looks down. _“The lava flow is getting worse, the wind blowing most of the ash this side, towards the capital."_

"And Bucky? Where's Bucky?" Shuri asks again. Wanda and Steve stare at the screen in disbelief.

_"He's still stuck. The staircase collapsed in the eastern tunnel, so he has to climb down. He's about a hundred meters from the entrance, but told us to come back, to give you all the data, help you, then go back for him. The climb will take him a while, the walk out after that too, the tunnel is very crooked. Maybe an hour to get out? I'm dropping everything off, then sending Onyeka back to pick him up."_

The three are quiet, then Wanda explodes, "You _left_ him there?!"

 _"I had no choice, Wanda, please believe me. I wanted to stay, I insisted, he wouldn’t have any of it, he said Wakanda and Shuri are first priority. To help her, to help the villagers, and to come back for him. He didn't want us to waste any more time. The mountain is very unstable, he said, he-”_ Elethu looks down, then back at the screen. _“He said, he can’t worry about our safety and about getting out of that cave at the same time.”_

Steve takes a deep breath. Yes, Bucky’s first priority would be the civilians. It makes sense, and Steve would have done the exact same thing. He doesn’t like it, but that’s what he would've done, too.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Steve tries to stay calm. He can feel the anxiety, the fear in the two women next to him, and he knows he needs to keep his head right now. He looks back at Elethu and is surprised to feel only concern, empathy, a deep understanding. Whatever Bucky said to Elethu to get him to leave, must have been so, so hard to hear. But Elethu listened, and that took immense courage. Steve knew Bucky's had strong feelings for Elethu, but he wasn't sure how deep, exactly, until now. Whatever Bucky said to Elethu to make him leave, it wasn’t anything easy to swallow.

“Elethu, the staircase, how high is it? Couldn’t Bucky just jump down? He is enhanced after all,” Steve asks, matter-of-factly.

Elethu shakes his head. _“No, he said it collapsed because of the earthquakes. He said the ground is littered with stones and rocks, that if he did jump and there’s a quake, he had no guarantee of a safe landing. One spot that's open could suddenly be filled with rocks - or he can aim for a handhold, there’s a quake, it’d go and crush him. It’s too unstable, his best chance is to climb down, and that unfortunately is a very tricky and long process,”_ Elethu answers.

Steve can see the slight shake in Shuri’s hands as she listens and types and tries to record everything at once. Wanda stands next to him, her hand against her mouth. She's scared, so scared. He can see it - he is terrified too.

“Yeah, I figured there was a good reason, just had to hear it,” Steve replies. “How high is the climb, again?” Steve asks. In his worry, Elethu forgot to answer.

_“50meters? About 165 feet.”_

“Oh God,” Wanda whispers.

Steve agrees. That is way more than he expected. “Do you know how much of the staircase has collapsed? I mean, the whole thing or just parts of it? Are there any pieces sticking out? Can he walk down part of the way?” Steve tries. Anything to keep the tension and ache in his body at bay. Small rays of hope, everything in him is grasping at straws.

 _“I don’t know, Steve,”_ Elethu answers, frustration clear on his face.

“But-” Steve tries, but Wanda steps in.

“Elethu, can you send in one of the drones with a camera, to see how he is progressing?”

Everyone’s eyes light up.

“That’s a great idea!” Shuri exclaims.

 _“It really is, actually,”_ Elethu answers, visibly relieved. _“We can use one of the smaller ones. There’s a few that are checking for air pockets in the smaller tunnels.”_

Shuri nods. “Yes, but leave it to me, you focus on getting back. I can do it remotely from here. Elethu, can you monitor the gas readings and the lava flow?”

_“Yes, Princess. Thank you.”_

“No probs. Later,” Shuri says, then turns her attention back to the panel controlling the drones.

The screen goes black. Steve and Wanda lean in closer to look over Shuri’s shoulders as she switches the feed to the drone cameras.

“Okay, this one here… AG785 is the closest to Bucky's position… so now we just have to go _down_ …” They watch as the bright screen, previously showing bright lava, turns dark as it goes down the tunnel. “Switching to night vision…” Shuri adds, and there's immediate change on the screen.

“God, it looks terrible,” Wanda comments as the drone flies down the cave. They can see the rocks and stones littering the path, making potential movement arduously slow. The feed suddenly stops moving.

“What’s going on?” Steve asks as the drone hovers in the air, keeping the same position.

“It… shit, the cave is blocked, it can’t go through.”

“What do you mean it can’t get through, that drone is, what, the size of a fist?” Steve asks, trying to keep calm.

“Yes, but the quakes… the whole cave is blocked from this side. It's completely caved in.”

“What about the other side?” Wanda asks, terrified. Somewhere beyond that cave-in , there's Bucky.

“I would have to send the drone out back, to the other caves around the mountain… it would take too long,” Shuri answers.

“So… there’s no way to see what's going on?” Steve clarifies.

“Unless we call Bucky, no.”

“Well, call him!” Wanda orders straight away.

Shuri stands up straighter. “I can’t.”

“Why not? Shuri-”

“If he's still climbing, and we call, it will distract him.”

“Shit.” Wanda visibly deflates.

Steve watches them, trying to figure another way out. They need to find a way to contact Bucky, a way to make sure he is still okay.

“Okay, when he spoke to Elethu, he was about to start the climb. That was, what, thirty minutes ago?”

“Forty-three.”

“So that should have given him ample time. Let’s try and call, if he doesn’t answer, we will know.”

“Okay, and if he doesn’t answer his phone, we can try the beads.”

“Yes. Even better.”

Nodding, Shuri sits back down and starts the call through her console. “It’s ringing…”

They all hold their breath as the phone rings…

and rings…

and rings…

_“Hi, this is Bucky, sorry to miss your call! Please leave a message, I will call you back!”_

Shuri ends the call.

“Okay, he's probably busy,” Wanda adds, her voice betraying the fear under the hopefulness she's trying to project.

“Shall I try again?” Shuri asks, her finger on the button.

“No,” Steve answers. “I want to say yes, but I’m just scared that if we try again, and he's busy, it will sidetrack him. Let’s wait five minutes, then try again. The beads, maybe? Maybe he'll answer.”

“Okay,” Shuri sighs heavily.

“In the meantime, let’s try to get the royal halls ready, and prepare rooms for the villagers that are being evacuated. Should you coordinate with your Mother? Call T’Challa back?” Steve asks instead.

He's suddenly feeling his age again - it's as if the treatment's worn off, instant and total failure. He knows it hasn’t - his heart is beating fine, his knees are still okay. It’s just his mind that's back to being tired and weary. Worrying about Bucky, _terrified_ for Bucky. If this is how Bucky felt even five percent of the time, Steve owes him another big apology. Huge. Ginormous.

It feels like it did back in the war, sitting on that armored case, smelling of mud and mould and old rotten vegetables, Peggy coming to offer some comfort by telling him that these were the ‘left-overs’ of the 107th. The rush he made to get to tent where Colonel Phillips was busy, busy with his ‘regret to inform you’ letters. The drop he felt in his stomach when Phillips admitted he remembered that surname. B-A-R-N-E-S. They all got it wrong, it’s not B-A-R-N-E-S , it was Bucky… _Bucky_ Barnes. Not just six letters put together, Bucky is more than just two vowels and four consonants. So much more.

But the difference is that, now, Steve doesn’t have the shield anymore. He doesn’t have the agile body, and he doesn’t have the Captain persona either. He is just Steve Rogers. And Steve has always failed at saving Bucky.

“Mom knows. She's in the halls, directing the staff to prepare for the influx of people - food, blankets, everything that may be needed. I also sent T’Challa and Nakia messages, they haven’t come back to me yet. They're probably still sleeping, it's night over there… but they will get it in the morning,” Shuri states, then grumbles, “The one time he actually listens and turns his phone off during the night...”

Sam puts the phone down and looks at the rest of the group. They're all staring at the mountain in the distance. Sam looks at it, the smoke rising higher and thicker with each passing minute.

“Themba, I guess you heard the orders? What did Okoye say?”

“Yes. We will go to the villages on the north-east side, about ten kilometres from here, make sure the evacuation is swift.”

“Good, we are here to help. Have all the Wakandans being notified?”

“Yes, those with beads on them. Some elders and youngest children may not have heard, but their families will make sure news reaches them. We will go and make sure everyone gets out.”

Pietro, who was just listening quietly, steps up. “I can go ahead. Tell me which parts are the most remote, I can go ahead. When you get there, you help.”

“You sure, man? You can do it and come back?” Sam asks, his hand on Pietro’s shoulder.

Pietro smiles and nods. “Yes, I will find you.”

Sam looks at Themba. “He _is_ fast.”

“Okay, that would be appreciated.”

Sam and Pietro nod. Sam squeezes Pietro’s shoulder a bit more. “Now, listen, you keep your phone with you. I call, you answer, that's not up for debate. Tell everyone, tell them to get to the evacuation points immediately, no time to waste.”

“'Course, Captain,” Pietro nods, his eyes excited, but serious and confident, his body already tensing up.

“Okay, here, take this.” Sam reaches into his bag and pulls out two protein bars. “Keep your energy up.”

“Thanks.” Pietro pockets the two bars, looks at the mountain, then back at the group. Giving them all a cheeky salute, he turns around and... is gone. Everyone stares in wonder at the space where a playful young man was just a moment ago.

“That _is_ fast,” Themba says carefully.

Sam looks at him with a proud smirk. “Yes, it was. Glad he is on our side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are horrible, horrible people. We'll get back to Bucky next chapter, promise 😁


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants to live. Not that he was actively suicidal these past few months, but... a different mindset. Some part of him always knew he would die fighting, not of old age, and he made peace with it. Expected it. Now, though... He wants to finish his hut. Play and goof around with Wanda and Sam. He wants to protect Shuri, be friends with Steve... he needs to tell him, it's...  
> "Oh, god, please! Come on!!" he begs in a whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one paragraph in this chapter where Bucky's injuries are described. It's not long, and it's not very graphic, but it's there, so if you'd like to avoid it - it begins with "Oh God. No." and ends a paragraph later with "It hurts. It really, really fucking hurts."  
> Also, Bucky's state of mind here is... quite messed up. Just a heads up.  
> We put details in end notes, if you want to check for triggers.  
> Be safe!

13 Nov 2024

* * *

WakandaFM: We've got more information for you! Apparently the research team is back, but according to our sources, one man is still in the caves. At this stage, the reason for that is unclear. The sources did confirm that the person is on their way out through the eastern cave, instead of the more commonly used northern one.

The Palace Halls have been prepared to provide food and shelter for those who may need it. Several teams consisting of warriors and scientists have been sent to the villages located north of the mountain, and neighbouring countries to provide aid.

* * *

@OfficialWakanda I heard it's @mynameisbucky that's still in the cave!? Can anyone confirm? #Wakandavolcano @Yonela

@Yonela @OfficialWakanda Bast! I hope not. Those caves are way unstable. It's dangerous, especially for an outsider #Wakandavolcano @Xhanti

* * *

The first thing Bucky is aware of is pain, unbelievable pain. He groans and bites down, clenching his jaw, trying to take a breath. He's got way too much experience dissociating from his body. Fuck, how fucked up is it that most of his coping mechanisms come from Hydra? Blinking, he tries again. His whole body is aching. He's not lying completely flat and it's uncomfortable. He should probably fix that.

His feet move as he tries to get more comfortable, and he lets out a scream.

"Oh, f-fuck..." Taking deep breaths, he opens his eyes. "Wha-?" he tries, but only groans and grunts come out. He grits his teeth to the point of pain. "Okay... D-deep breath. In... hold... out... in... hold... out...

“Okay... First things first... Get up.” He cries out, trying to move. “Agh. Shit. Fuck! Okay. Scratch that.” He tries to laugh but it falls flat. “Freeze... no offense... to myself..." He giggles, then gasps.

"Okay, report… Fell on a few small rocks, digging into my back... Can move my legs, that's good... Okay. Left arm... Fuck. Fuck!" Bucky blinks and focuses on his left side. His arm is stuck, he can't move it. He _can_ move the fingers, no problem, but the arm itself doesn't budge. Opening his eyes, he turns to his left, the small light of his mobile casting an eerie light. Dust motes dance in front of his eyes.

"Oh, Shuri is gonna k-kill me," Bucky grits out, focusing on the sensors in his arm, trying to get the facts.

His arm is stuck between two massive rocks, similar to the vice grip back in the... Well, wherever it was, with... Bucky can’t think back to that moment right now. He just remembers the headache. The pain is even worse right now. The worst is that the metal plates feel damaged, as if they got bent as his arm slid down between the rocks. Or the rocks fell on him. He wouldn't know. Either way, he can't get it out without help.

He needs to remove it. Luckily, the arm has a switch - he _can_ remove it, get out of the cave, and hopefully explain it to Shuri somehow. Well, he literally has no choice, right?

"Okay, well... Ouch, ouch, double fuck!" he cries out as he tries to lift his right arm. He can't and pain suddenly hits him like a freight train. "Whh-what," he mumbles and turns his attention to his right. His lips start to tremble at the sight. His breath catches in his throat.

"Oh god. No."

It's completely mangled. The radius is broken and sticking out, the skin ripped, dark blood pooling underneath. Layer of dust has fallen into and around it, he can practically feel the infection starting...

It hurts. It really, really fucking hurts.

He closes his eyes to get some semblance of control, taking deep, long breaths again. He can't afford a panic attack now. It's so familiar - broken bones, gritting his teeth through the pain. He needs to focus, he needs to keep his head. He can't lose himself in memories, in the past. That’s gone. That’s long gone. He should focus on the problem at hand. He giggles again. _Hand_.

Regroup.

His legs are fine. That’s good.

His arms are... not.

He is trapped.

In a cave.

In a volcano.

That's erupting.

He's going to die, isn't he? Sounds dramatic, but that’s the worst case scenario... the only scenario. Or, a few of them, actually.

There can be falling rocks and a cave in, buried alive... Or encased in lava, like the people of Pompeii. He saw the documentary, the pictures. A person in stone. No, wait, that was... pyroclastic flow? Is this the same? Is there a difference? He regrets not paying more attention to those documentaries now.

Bucky's chest contracts as the facts sink in. His face pulls in an anguished grimace.. For the first time in years, in decades, he really doesn't want to die.

He wants to live. Not that he was actively suicidal these past few months, but... a different mindset. Some part of him always knew he would die fighting, not of old age, and he made peace with it. Expected it. In DC, on the helicarrier; Bucharest, as the strike team unleashed those bullets... He knew it was in the cards, something he expected. Like back in the war, back when he left Steve at the enlistment booth. He _hoped_ not to die in the war, but he didn’t make plans what to do when - if - he came back.

Now, though... He wants to finish his hut. Play and goof around with Wanda and Sam. He wants to protect Shuri, be friends with Steve... he needs to tell him, it's...

"Oh, god, please! Come on!!" he begs in a whisper.

He can't move.

His metal arm is completely stuck, he can't get it out without help. His right arm is broken, and until he puts the bone back inside and sets it, his body won't heal. Without his right arm, he can’t remove the left one, and therefore can’t get out.

He can't call for help. One, he can’t reach his phone, even if it's just on his chest. Second, even if he _could_ talk to them, he can’t _tell_ them. There isn't time, there's no way he's going to put someone's life in danger by requesting a rescue.

He's still trying to get his composure when his phone rings. The light flickers, the phone vibrating in his breast pocket. It's either Shuri or Elethu... or maybe Steve? He has no idea how long he's been unconscious, and has no way to answer. It rings. It rings and rings and rings, then goes quiet. The silence in the cave is heavy, somehow even more oppresive than before.

He has no idea how many times they called.

He has no idea if they will try again.

He has no idea what to say if he _can_ talk to them.

A few minutes later, there’s another sound, but it isn’t from his phone. Taking a breath, he looks to his right, where his beads are, somehow still intact even with all the damage to his arm. A small holographic screen comes up, and it’s Shuri’s face. Bucky can feel the absolute heartbreak at seeing her. He _can’t_ _tell_ her.

Taking a breath, he tries to school his features. Luckily, the screen doesn’t need a button to answer, just voice confirmation.

“Accept call. Hi, Princess!”

“ _BUCKY!!!”_ There's a loud yell, and before Bucky can even say anything, the screen is taken by three faces. The three faces that Bucky loves most in this new world.

The one face he loved in the old world, and does in this new one... He knows he will, in each and every reality, every timeline.

“Hey there,” he says, smiling.

“ _Where are you? Did you climb down yet? Are you out? It’s dark, I can hardly see you?”_ Shuri bombards him with questions, and for the first time since he got stuck here, he's glad for the darkness. If they could see him clearly, they'd know.

“I’m still inside the cave. How did you know about the staircase?”

“ _Elethu.”_

Bucky smiles. Of course.

“Are they out? Are they all safe? I asked him to go to the palace, to help you, then come back for me. I’m going to be a while,” Bucky lies, keeping his composure.

“ _Yes, they'll be arriving at the palace in the next five minutes. He will drop everything off and send Onyeka back to get you.”_

Bucky really needs to find a way to prevent that.

“Where’s Sam and Pietro?”

“ _I’ve sent them to the north-east, to help with the evacuations there,”_ Steve answers, staring at Bucky. Trying to figure out what's going on. He's way too perceptive.

“That’s good. I’m glad. We need everyone to jump in.” Bucky is finding it harder and harder to keep his voice neutral. The pain is making it difficult... and the ache in his chest, the guilt of lying to them. The pain of knowing this might be the last time he gets to see them.

“ _How are you holding up? We tried to call but you didn’t answer,”_ Steve asks. Bucky can't even shake his head. Of course Steve would ask.

“Yeah, sorry, was climbing down.”

“ _Are you down now?”_ Wanda asks, her voice hopeful.

Bucky gives her a true smile, hoping it comes through even in the dark. He can’t deny her that. It’s worth the pain. “Yeah, I’m down now. Dusty, dirty, and smelly, and sweaty… but I’m down. Elethu said it’s about a hundred meters, which is about three hundred feet, if I’m not mistaken?”

“ _Yeah, that’s correct,”_ Shuri confirms.

“ _We tried to send a drone, but the tunnel on the other side is blocked, a cave in,”_ Steve adds. Bucky takes a deep breath and winces. He doesn’t know if he should be happy about it, or sad. Happy, he decides, they don’t deserve to see him like this. Their last image of him shouldn’t be his mutilated body sprawled out on rocks, trapped for dead.

“Yeah, the quakes are nasty. I had to be very careful, rocks and stones everywhere.’

“ _Just get out, okay! Come on, Bucky, just… we'll all breathe easier once you're out.”_ Wanda doesn’t try to hide her anxiety. Bucky tries to smile again.

“I will. Promise.” He looks to Shuri. “How’s the readings? The eruption, will it be contained? What’s the damage estimation?”

“ _You’re asking about that while still inside the cave?”_

“Yeah. Will you be okay? Will Wakanda be okay?” Bucky wants to know. He's grown to love this place, so much.

“ _Yes, Bucky, I have it under control. I’ve sent a message to T’Challa. I've activated every emergency protocol, with their contingency plan back ups. Mom is busy preparing the halls and kitchens for mass influx, pulling resources together. Everything is going fine. We are only waiting for you to get out the blasted mountain.”_

Bucky swallows. He's tired and in pain. He wants to get out, go home. He wants to go to the hut with Steve, Wanda, and Shuri. He wants them to sit around his campfire, make them food. He wants to bicker with Sam, and he wants Pietro to chase the animals. He wants… so many things.

“I’m working on it, okay? It’s a bit slow going. Oh, Steve, I’m sorry I missed the treatment, how are you feeling?” He needs to go, he needs to tell them to end the call, but he can’t. He wants to talk to them just a little bit longer. He wants to see them, this little bit longer.

“ _I’m good, Buck, it went well. I just can’t seem to stop worrying about you,”_ Steve answers, completely honest. Wanda and Shuri give him a look, and Bucky can see they didn’t expect that answer. Bucky appreciates it a bit more now. He didn’t think Steve would openly admit it, but here it is. He did. Bucky can only be honest right back. There’s so much he needs to tell Steve, but he can’t, not now… not like this. So he pulls his bit of resolve around him like a cloak.

“Sorry, Stevie, I wasn’t planning on it. Trust me, I would much rather be at the hut with you.”

Steve smiles and nods. _“Yeah, me too, so get your ass in gear and get out, okay?”_

“Roger that, Rogers…” Bucky tries for playful, and it must work as they all burst with (slightly hysterical) laughter. Steve narrows his eyes.

“ _Buckle up and get out of there. You have a hut to mop.”_

“Okay. Gotta go.” Bucky doesn't really have the strength to act brave for much longer.

“ _I will call you again in thirty minutes. Talk to you later, Brother,”_ Shuri responds with a slight smile, then the screen goes dark.

Bucky watches the screen disappear, then lets out a loud, shaky groan that turns into a dry sob. Only his ragged breathing breaks the dead silence of the cave.

What the hell is he going to do?

With a start, he realizes he can’t even wipe the tears from his eyes.

Steve watches the screen return to the aerial view of Yegolide and looks down. Wanda puts her arm around his waist.

“He is okay. He looks a bit worse for wear, from what we could see, but he is down and making his way out.”

“Yeah, thank goodness for that,” Steve answers, smiling softly at her.

Shuri looks at him. “You still look upset. Wary?”

Steve can only nod. “I am. I can’t shake it, can’t get rid of this heavy feeling in my stomach. Don’t worry about it. I'll feel better once he's back home, safe and sound. Mopping the hut, eating that cinnamon stuff, giving us all grief for worrying too much.”

They smile in agreement, then Steve goes to stand in front of the window, his eyes on the mountain. Behind him, Shuri and Wanda share a worried look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Bucky...
> 
> Trigger warnings: Bucky wakes up to realize he's trapped and bloodied, his left arm damaged and stuck under some rocks, with an open fracture (described in one sentence) to his right arm. He dissociates from the pain and assumes he'll die.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky needs to find a way to get out. He needs to know that he tried everything he possibly could. He's a fighter. He kept going even when it felt impossible, for years. Decades. Survival mode is a hell of a thing.  
> He needs to survive.

13 Nov 2024

Bucky takes a few minutes to get himself together after the call. Seeing them was hard... lying to them was harder. Their stress and anxiety were so clear to see, none of them tried to hide their emotions. Except him. He wanted to cry, he wanted to say 'sorry' for putting them through this.

Shuri was scared, but so brave... He could see the change in her, the way she took responsibility. The way she is making sure the kingdom is safe. She will go so far. Wanda, her eyes so big and trying to keep it together. Steve… He didn’t even try to keep his composure. He looked almost as bad as the day they met at the hut, when Bucky finally found out about the heart condition.

Bucky needs to find a way to get out. He needs to know that he tried everything he possibly could. He's a fighter. He kept going even when it felt impossible, for years. Decades. Survival mode is a hell of a thing.

He needs to survive.

Opening his eyes, he looks around. He can't get up, or maybe... maybe he can? What if he could get to an upright position? For that, he needs to be able to lift his legs. Even just a little.

His palm is facing upwards, so the widest part of it is trapped between the rocks. If he could move his arm so that his thumb is pointing up, he could try to slide it out or upwards, to sit. He tenses his whole body in preparation and hisses. The rocks are painful against his ribs and kidneys.

"Deep breaths... in... out... in... three, two, one, aghhhh!!!" Bucky yells as loud as he can, trying to wriggle his arm. It doesn't budge. What does budge and make a sound is the rocks around him. There seem to be more, smaller rocks on top of this one, and he knows they shifted. Not because _he_ moved, but because the mountain did.

"Dammit!" He stops, knowing he has to try something else. If he keeps this up, he might just set of another rock slide.

His right arm is throbbing in pain as he puts more weight on that shoulder to lift up the left side of his body. A new trail of blood is bubbling out of the wound - it stopped bleeding as his body healed around it, but then every move aggravates the wound and the bleeding starts again.

At least the others are out, safe and back at the palace. If all goes well, he would be the only casualty, and that is something he can live with. Or die with. He has no idea what he's going to tell them when they call again... come out with the whole truth, most likely.

Taking a deep breath, he lifts his legs up, knees to chest, bracing himself on the rock next to him. He hopes he can shift the rock, just a little bit. Just half an inch, enough to get the arm out.

“Three… in… out… in… two… in… out… in… oneeeeeaaaaghhhhhhh!” He tries to kick the rock away, using every shred of power he has in his thighs. “Come… onnnn!!!” The rock doesn’t budge. Refusing to give up, he takes a breath and tries again.

As he screams, he feels the mountain shake again. There's a low rumble from the side of the cavern. He can feel the ground underneath him vibrating, and then more rocks start to fall, the rest of the staircase breaking off. Dust fills the small space, and Bucky can only drop his legs back down and turn his face to the side to keep the dust from falling in his eyes. He can’t even hide under his arms or protect his belly.

He closes his eyes and focuses on the three faces he saw in that screen as everything goes black. He needs to find a way to survive, or at least talk to them, once again.

Steve sits back on the chair closest to the screens. Something feels off. It was dark, yes, and they could see Bucky using his mobile phone flash light, but he didn’t look into the screen. Why didn’t he lift his arm to look at them directly? Why did it look as if he was lying down? Yes, it was dark, and it could be the light, the rock walls causing interference. Still, Steve can’t shake the feeling that something is off.

He watches as Shuri busily types away. Her hands and fingers must be so tired by now... but she looks so much better, calmer, since they spoke to Bucky. Steve wants to share that optimism, but there's something… _'Sorry, Stevie, I wasn’t planning on it. Trust me, I would much rather be at the hut with you.'_

‘ _Stevie’..._ that's the first time in decades that Steve's heard it. He never thought he would hear it again, the soft fondness behind it.

‘ _I wasn’t planning on it…_ ’ That sounds so… unclear. Planning on what? He _did_ plan to go to the mountain, not to get left behind, but…

‘ _I would much rather be at the hut with you.’_ No one else. Maybe the rest of the gang, but he said _‘with_ you _’_. Meaning, Steve is not the only one who treasured their time together these past few days. He's not the only one who wants more of it. Bucky wants that too…

God, Bucky should just make a run for it and get out.

“Okay, Elethu and the team just stopped at the hangar, they're unloading everything. Onyeka will go back within the hour. He's loading some supplies for the villagers to drop off as well, and one of the force field walls. Two birds, one stone,” Shuri reports as she pauses and looks at one screen.

That’s good. That somehow makes Steve feel a little bit better. He watches as Wanda stands up and walks closer to Shuri. “Sam and Pietro?”

“Pietro went ahead, with that super speed of his, to make sure that all the villagers are warned and leaving. Sam and the group are following behind, it'll be easier and quicker for them to evacuate once they arrive,” Shuri answers, and Wanda purses her lips, but looks calm. She trusts both of them - these past few months they did extensive training, they have faith in each other, they trust one another. The New Avengers are a team, they know how to work together. They also know how to respect each other’s orders and decisions. Wanda may be worried for her brother, but she trusts the way things work. The main concern for everyone here is Bucky.

Shuri stops typing and flexes her fingers. “Okay, taking a five-minute break, I need to go to the bathroom and get something to eat. Anyone want?” Wanda nods and they walk to the door together. Steve shakes his head. He's fine, he wants Bucky back and that's not on offer.

A day can change so fast, so incredibly fast. Yesterday everything was fine, they talked, they bonded, they had fun, then one bubbling lake later and here they are. This morning even, everything still seemed fine.

Less than two hours and it's all gone wrong. So wrong.

Steve knows he shouldn't think like that, there’s nothing they could have done differently. Bucky is a protector, a soldier, a good man. Of course he was going to make sure everyone was out of the caves before he left. Steve doesn’t like it, but that's just too bad for him.

He can hear footsteps coming back, Shuri and Wanda returning. He looks back to the screens and frowns. Several numbers seem to be climbing? He stands up and walks closer just as a shrill sound blares over the speakers.

“What’s going on?” Steve asks, watching as Shuri rushes back in and makes a straight line for the monitors.

“The drones, they've been terminated!”

“What?” Wanda asks. The small screens that used to have camera feeds go black one by one. The last thing to read is a rising mass of burning red.

“Shuri, what does this mean?” Steve asks shakily.

“The eruption is imminent!” she yells just as the whole building starts to shake. They can hear a terrifying rumble in the distance.

All three of them hold onto the console, waiting for the tremors to subside. Only a few seconds pass, but it feels like hours. Shuri starts typing furiously, broadcasting evacuation procedures again. Steve and Wanda slowly turn to the window, holding each other, their worry and agony similar.

Bucky.

There isn’t time for that. Somehow, even more alarms go off, and on the map some areas start to glow and blink.

“What’s happening!?” Steve cries as they watch the alarms.

“The volcano, the readings are much worse than we initially thought,” Shuri replies, typing away.

“What does it mean?” He tries to stay calm.

“The eruption is going to be much bigger. It's definitely going to affect neighboring countries, I need to send out reinforcements.”

“Do you have the technology to help them?”

“Don’t insult me, Old Man. I have a lot of goodies to combat this, I just need to send out the teams. The force field walls should be enough, the teams just need to hurry up and set them up. Sam and Pietro will be a great help, M’Baku and Mpho as well. We can have a group of warriors accompanying the scientists who know how the equipment works.”

Pietro is waiting for Sam at the rendezvous point. All the villagers are safe and accounted for, each holding a small bag; the children cling to their mothers, men forming a protective circle around them. Most are looking at Yegolide, the thick dark cloud rising up, ash falling like dew around them.

“Pietro!” Sam calls as they come to a stop. He looks to the side, where several crafts stand at the ready.

“Sam, what took you so long?” Pietro says with a grin that Sam returns.

“Where’s the rest of the villagers?” Sam asks, clapping Pietro's shoulder.

“Already in the crafts on the way back to the palace. They are currently loading the next group, elders and young ones first,” Pietro answers and points to one side, where they can see some elders being helped into the vehicles.

“Okay, we need to help, it has to go quicker,” Sam frowns.

As the group makes their way over, Sam occasionally looks up at the mountain. It won’t be long before the eruption is at full blast. They need to get these people out of here, right now. He decides to ask for Wanda’s help too - with her power she could be a great help in directing the lava flow. He will call her as soon as this group leaves.

Just as he directs the remaining men to start to walk back, buy some time, the mountain shakes much worse than ever before. The children in the hovercrafts scream, and Sam yells for everyone to get down.

Steve waits till Shuri looks to have the situation somehow under control before turning to her.

“Call Bucky.”

Shuri already has the screen set to his beads, the call trying to get through. “He is not answering!”

“Oh God. Bucky, come on, please… just… answer…” Wanda softly begs as Shuri tries again.

Steve is beyond frustrated. He can feel his blood pulsing, he feels as if he's practically vibrating where he stands.

They need to know how far Bucky is. His eyes widen as he is struck with an idea.

“Shuri, maybe he is busy... can’t you track him with the GPS in his phone or the beads?”

“Yes!” Shuri exclaims and then moves her attention to another screen. “Okay… this is his position when we spoke the last time…” she says, and they can see a blinking light on the screen. “… and this is his position now.”

The blinking dot is in the same place.

“Uhm…shouldn’t it have moved?” Wanda asks.

“Huh. Yes, let me refresh…” Shuri replies and presses a few buttons. The blinking dot remains stationary. “I don't- I don’t understand- why…?” Shuri asks, worried. Steve feels that familiar twist in his gut. He _knew_ something was wrong.

“Shuri, how long has he been in that position?” he asks.

“Uh, for an… oh… a little over an hour?”

“Why- why isn’t he coming out?” Wanda tries to make sense of the information.

“Something is wrong. This is his phone signal, right?” Steve double checks.

Shuri nods. “ _And_ the beads.”

“Steve…?” Wanda asks. They're both looking at him, panic-stricken. Steve doesn’t answer. He doesn’t _have_ any answers, he just knows he's terrified of what they all know it means.

Bucky comes to with a cough that makes him wish he didn't. He shakes his head, trying to get rid of the worst of the dust on his face. It's sticking to his neck, his chest, everywhere, because of the sweat. He's itchy and icky and… and…

”Aghh, FUCK!” Bucky yells into the cave. He's still trapped. The latest quake did nothing to free him, not an inch. Instead the crevice feels tighter - it's a struggle to move his metal fingers now, as well. His mobile flashlight is still on, but that doesn’t help him at all. He can feel he's trapped, he doesn’t have to see it too. On top of that, the tunnel now has a weird, soft reddish glow that wasn’t there before.

“Wait, wha- red? Oh, shit, fuck, NO!” he yells and tries to look around himself. He knows what this means. There was a reddish glow in that cavern.

Lava.

"No, not like this, please, no… How…" A new wave of tears fills his eyes, running over his dusty cheeks, leaving clear tracks. That means that the chamber, tunnel, whatever this thing he's trapped in is, got a hot new occupant. That means…

Oh. He's not just dying in here. He's going to be, what, burned alive? Encased? Spontaneously combust because of the scorching heat?

“Awesome. Freezing to death didn't take, you're gonna burn to death? Really, Bucky, seriously?” he scolds himself, somehow finding his dark humour again under all the agonizing pain.

Depending on the lava, he's probably going to run out of time a little quicker. Which means he should say his goodbyes.

How?

Moving his head to his right, he takes a breath. At least he doesn’t have to worry about an infection now, right? The wound is clotted with ash and dust, he half looks like a statue already.

Taking a breath, he braces himself for the call he's about to make, for the news he's about to deliver. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t do that to them. He can’t. They deserve to know he tried. That he loves them. That he is sorry.

“Ca-” Bucky clears his throat. “Call Shuri,” he whispers into the cave. His beads come to life, the holographic screen rising. The projection turns bright and then his beloved three faces come into view.

_Oh god, keep it together, Barnes._

“ _Bucky?!”_ Shuri cries over the line, worried sick. _“We’ve been trying to call you for nearly thirty minutes!”_

“I’m sorry, I-”

“ _Buck. What is going on?”_ Steve asks before Bucky can figure out what he wants to say.

“What?” Bucky’s voice goes just a note higher.

“ _Buck, we can’t see you…”_

“It’s dark!”

“ _You haven’t moved in more than an hour.”_

“I- oh. GPS… I didn’t answer, you got worried and tried to track my progress…” Bucky sighs. He should have known. Shuri doesn’t leave anything to chance.

“ _Yes, so come on, we are worried, what's going on?”_ Steve’s voice is soft, cracking at the edges. Bucky hates it, it reminds him of all the times Steve almost died on him.

“ _Bucky?”_ Shuri asks after he takes too long to answer. Bucky's eyes fill with new tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry sweetheart, I didn’t want to do this, I wanted to spare you, all of you.” Bucky’s voice cracks, and he stops to swallow the lump.

“ _Brother, you are scaring me.”_

“Shuri… I’m not coming home.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve grits his teeth, his jaw tight, his fists clenched, the knuckles white.  
> No. Fuck no.  
> Not again.  
> Standing up, he loosens his fists and clap his hands together. “Fuck this. We are going to get him, you two in?”

13 Nov 2024

_"Shuri…I’m not coming home."_

The silence is absolute. All three stare at the screen, only seeing black with some variation of grey. The flashlight provides most of the illumination, but somewhere in the back there's a reddish glint. They can hear Bucky, but they can’t see him, and somehow that makes it worse. So much worse.

"What do you mean?" Wanda's the first to find her voice. She leans closer to the screen, her arm held out, finger pointing to the screen as if she might actually reach through it. "What does it mean?!" she yells angrily. Her hand's shaking, the nails painted blood red, tendrils of her power starting to glow. She's terrified, Steve and Shuri see it, and they share a worried look before turning back to the screen. Steve puts a hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down.

Bucky can see the fear, too - he knows she isn't really angry at him. She understands what he meant, she just doesn't want to accept it. Shuri's staring at the screen in disbelief - she stopped typing, she just sits still, glaring at him. Even though they can’t see him, _he_ can see _them_ , and he can feel Shuri's eyes on him, like lasers.

"Buck... what's going on?" Steve asks, forcibly calm, sitting down on the chair next to Shuri. Bucky tries to keep from bursting into tears. It's so unfair.

Then again, that's pretty much the story of his life.

 _"Uhm, well..."_ he starts, trying to get it together enough to tell the story. _"I was… busy climbing down… when a quake hit, I lost my footing, and, well... fell... again..."_ he adds softly, but they still hear. Steve looks down. He remembers Elethu telling them that the ground is littered with jagged rocks. Bucky fell on that, Bucky got hurt. Steve looks up as Bucky continues.

 _"I guess I was unconscious for a while... Woke up trapped. My metal arm somehow got stuck between these big, huge rocks… I can't get it out. I tried to shift the rocks, but only managed to make an even bigger mess of myself... and other, smaller rocks started to fall,"_ Bucky explains. Before he can continue, Shuri jumps up.

"Take it off! What the hell, Bucky, I can make you a new one, I have several designs already... upgrades, even, you _know_ that. You know how to remove it!" she yells, throwing her arms in the air in frustration.

 _"I would... sweetheart, I would if I could, I promise you that,"_ Bucky answers, his voice soft.

"What do you mean, why can't you?" Wanda asks.

 _"My, uh,"_ Bucky lets out a broken laugh, a mismatched sob, before taking a breath and going on. _"My right arm is broken. That's why you can't see me. It’s a bad break, open fracture, I can't move it at all. There's some nerve damage, maybe? I’m on my back, unable to move, except my legs. Those are fine, besides a few scratches."_

Steve closes his eyes as the reality of the situation sinks in. Bucky is trapped, he can't move, both his arms incapacitated. He's lying on the ground in a cave, just a hundred meters from the exit. He's so close...

Steve clenches his fist and slam it on the table. "Dammit, Bucky, you could have told us sooner, we can get someone to you. We can send someone to remove the arm and help you out. Why didn't you say something?!" he shouts. Shuri and Wanda jump at the sound of his voice, hard and furious. He's angry to cover up his fear. He sounds very close to the old- young? - Steve they remember, whenever he got fired up about something while on the run.

_"Steve... Stevie, it's too dangerous. I'm not going to be responsible for another's death. The mountain is unstable, the volcano is erupting, Shuri needs all hands on deck to prevent a catastrophe. I... I'm okay with this."_

"Well too bad, I’m not!" Steve cries out and the girls nod.

"Neither are we,” Shuri adds, already formulating a plan in her head. “We're going to send someone to get you out, I promise. Sam and Pietro are in the area-"

 _"No. It’s too late, I’m sorry. I really am,"_ Bucky answers.

"No, it's not!" Wanda replies at the same time as Shuri says, "I'm still doing it!"

 _"Princess, please, listen. You can't, okay?"_ Bucky’s voice is trembling as he says it, and all three of them stop.

"Give me a good reason!” Shuri demands. “You lying on the floor trapped isn't it. We will get you out."

 _"Do you see that reddish glow, back there?"_ Bucky asks, his voice softer, the words coming slower. He's in pain, they can recognize it now. The physical pain, and the emotional.

"Yeah?" Shuri reluctantly answers.

_"This chamber, this tunnel, is going to be overflown by lava sometime soon. I have no idea how far it is, or how fast it flows, I just know that somewhere behind these rocks I'm trapped under, is lava. That means..."_

Wanda's eyes bulge out and she slaps her hands to her mouth in shock, trying to keep from crying out. Shuri is quiet, her brain is processing what he said, but something is refusing to register. Steve is so glad he's sitting down; his legs wouldn't have supported him if he was standing.

Bucky is going to be...

The lava...

Bucky is going to die.

Today. In the next few hours.

And there is nothing they can do about it.

Steve would never be able to say what happened during the remainder of the call. He only knows that his entire body, entire life comes to a standstill.

Everything started out so great... The day went downhill so fast. Yesterday was amazing. It was beautiful, he and Bucky bonded, they made progress, such good progress, and now… less than a day, it’s all gone. If he closes his eyes, he can see Bucky cleaning his hut. Laughing and happy as they talk about plans to renovate and expand. Putting a small garden in, an extra room. He sees Bucky laughing and joking with Wanda, bickering with Sam. He sees Bucky smiling at him, telling him he can have his ‘in’, be part of his life. That profound moment of perfect clarity.

He was taken aback by the proximity of Bucky, standing so close to him. They haven’t been that close in such a long time... The way his eyes were so bright, so clear, so full of life. The Cupid's bow, so pronounced even as he smiled. The dimple in his chin. The five o'clock shadow starting. He looked so good with it.

Steve should maybe just admit and make peace with his feelings. He didn't before, and now... no, it's too late. Again. Always too late... The pendulum always swinging away from him. From them.

How come Steve is always the one who gets to live more than his fair share, and Bucky doesn't? He deserves it, deserves a fucking chance of at least _some_ happiness, and gets it in such short, tiny bursts. Steve is old, he's had an entire lifetime, and still he is going to outlive Bucky.

Steve grits his teeth, his jaw tight, his fists clenched, the knuckles white.

No. Fuck no.

Not again.

Steve looks up to see Shuri sitting at her desk. She's not typing. She's staring at the dot that shows Bucky’s position. It hasn’t moved. It won’t. It will disappear when…

He looks to the bed where he gets his treatment - Wanda is sitting on the edge, her eyes red, tears still flowing.

Two women, hurt and in pain. God, Bucky has such a big influence on people’s lives, he pulls them in like gravity. Steve suddenly knows he can’t sit back, not when he can do something. Anything. He looks to the two women who came from such vastly different backgrounds and bonded because of Bucky. He pulled them together, made them friends, made them sisters. He has to try. For them.

Standing up, he loosens his fists and clap his hands together. “Fuck this. We are going to get him, you two in?”

Both stare at him. His voice sounds strong again, and the cussing?

“What?” Wanda asks, willing to believe.

“You heard Bucky…” Shuri replies dejectedly, not looking up. Her finger points to the dot. “He's trapped, and everyone else is busy with the evacuations! The closest one is Sam, and he's busy with that village closest to Yegolide, he _can’t_ go. He doesn’t even know about Bucky, and Bucky said no, civilians come first. I've thought of several scenarios, and none of them give him hope, they all fail. I've run all of them. That light, if we take that and compare it with the data we have from the drones? He has about three hours before the chamber is filled. Even if we get Sam there, it's not enough time. The arm can be removed with a switch and a code, but to get him out, carrying him and manoeuvring through the tunnel and rocks? It's like he said, dangerous. I can’t get a hold of Strange, or any of the wizards, Hogwarts is incommunicado, apparently. The guy there that I did manage to reach, says the Sanctum is closed, can’t be opened for 24 hours - and those are over tonight at our midnight. It's 11:38 now, which means he won’t be reachable for 12 hours and 22 minutes. Which is about 9 hours too late, because by that time Bucky will be…” Shuri stops, unable to finish that sentence.

Dead. He will be dead.

Three hours. Give or take.

He’s giving. Steve makes a decision. He's giving a lot, he'll give everything, because he can't let it happen. Bucky has fallen one too many times. He was left behind one too many times, he was abandoned one too many times. Never again. Straightening his back, he walks to Shuri.

“I heard him. I’m also choosing to ignore it. We are going to get him back.”

“Who are we going to send?” Shuri asks.

“Me,” Wanda states, standing up, coming to stand next to Steve. Her fists are clenched, her back straight, small whirls of red already forming all around her. Her eyes blaze with fire.

“And me,” Steve adds.

Shuri eyes open wide. “Steve, no offence-”

Steve holds out his hand. “I know. I’m old. I’m weak. I’m not the Captain anymore, but I _am_ Steve Rogers, and Steve Rogers can and will go. I can still drive, I can drive Wanda there, you can use your powers and open that hole and get him out. Once. I need to save him, at least once.”

Shuri is looking between them, ready to smile, ready to believe him. She's in. “He's not going to like it, but screw it, let’s do it.”

Steve smiles at her. “Okay, organise us a craft. Wanda, you ready?”

“Yes,” she smiles like the beautiful 5'3” predator she is.

Shuri's typing away with renewed vigour. They're going to do it, it's going to work. The atmosphere is lighter, brighter. They are going to do this, they are going to bring their Brother back.

Their Bucky.

A few seconds later the phone rings. Steve’s. He pulls it out and frowns, then answers. “Sam?... Where are you?... Shit. What?... Yeah, I will tell her… Yes, she will… Bye...” Steve says, his face losing all of its determination. He's back to looking drained and disheartened.

“Steve… what’s happening?” Shuri asks.

Steve looks to Wanda. “They need you. The village is in danger…” Steve turns to Shuri. “We need to get those force fields out there _now_. Sam and Pietro are stuck, that latest quake increased the lava flow, it’s coming down in two streams now. The warriors packed some rocks and logs to stem the flow, but it is going around the dam now. Most of the villagers are out in that section. Pietro found out that there was a bunch of children playing in the field and he went to get them. They can either go way north, but the river is there, and then the border... or Wanda needs to go and help.”

Wanda looks conflicted. She has no idea what to do. She looks to Steve. “Steve, we can do both, right? You know I’m powerful enough, I can do it.”

Steve hasn’t been in a position like this in many years. They look to him for guidance. Sam is in the field, T’Challa is away, and he's standing in a lab with two young girls and all the decisions are on him. He wishes he could to it himself, but... he's old. If he was young…

Steve’s eyes widen as he looks to the machine. What if…

Shuri has everything here, except the particles. But they need the particles for the quantum realm, not the actual age reversal. She needs the algorithm, which she doesn’t have…

But Steve does.

It’s all online, he has the password, Bruce and Bucky digitized it all. Steve spent many days in his office, overseeing the process. He spent many lunch hours with Bruce these past few months, and the machine came up a few times. The algorithm, the things they’ve seen, Scott as a baby then back to normal in a matter of seconds… He knows how it works. He's a Commander now, he helps Fury and Maria, and he has access to it all.

It can’t be that easy… can it?

“Steve!” Shuri calls when he's been quiet for too long.

He looks to Shuri, then Wanda, then back to Shuri. “Shuri, the scientists, have you sent all of them out with the force fields?”

“Three teams have gone out to the neighboring countries, two teams are out to the villages. I’m about to send the last one to Sam’s position. Why?”

“Hold on with that one, just a few minutes. Wanda and I want a ride.”

“What about Bucky?” Wanda asks, her eyes big and worried.

“Wanda, you will go help Sam and Pietro. I will go to Bucky.”

Wanda and Shuri look at each other. Shuri turns back to Steve. “Steve, I know-”

“Listen, I have an idea. It’s stupid… but it might just work.”

“What? Steve, we don’t have much time!”

Steve steps closer, pointing to the machine and staring Shuri down. “Which is why you’re going to help me. Shuri, I need you to go into the machine specifications. I need you to change the algorithm and give me that cell repair stuff. Everything you have, I'm gonna need it all.”

Shuri looks confused. “Why? We don’t have time for-” Her eyes widen, big brown saucers staring at Steve. “…oh, no, you can’t be serious. That’s a death wish! It’s insane!”

Wanda eyes them both, trying to figure out what Steve wants to do. He's pointing to the machine, he asks for the serum, it's really not that difficult to put together. She wants to say no, that it's insane - because it is! She can’t lose them both, but if it works… if it works? She wants Bucky back, not at Steve’s expense, but…

But if he succeeds, she will get them both back. She steps closer. “It’s Bucky,” she whispers, and Steve looks at her, his eyes bright.

“I can’t fail him. I _can’t_. Not again Wanda, never again.”

Wanda gives him a nod. She understands.

Shuri walks closer, until she's standing in front of him, taking his hand. “I know how you feel about him, we all know... But we have no idea if this is going to work. Not a clue! It's a huge risk, you could _die_ , Steve. You have a family, what about them? This isn’t just you anymore, no matter how much you love him. There's more on the table now.”

Steve looks down. Shuri's right. If this fails, he will be dead, and so will Bucky... but if it works?

How does he tell them? No, it isn’t just him anymore, it's _Bucky_ , how can he _not_ do this for him? It may change nothing, but it could... it _can_ change _everything_.

It will certainly change things with his family.

Steve looks up. His old frail shoulders are squared, his jaw tight. He's determined.

“I can’t live knowing I could have done something and didn’t. I walked away once, I lost him, I hurt him... never again. I lived. If I die, I die, but you need to know I tried, _I_ need to know I tried. I can’t- I won’t live in a world where… Not without _him_. Shuri, please, I need to try. This isn’t guilt, you need to know that, I’m not driven by guilt. I’m driven by…” he chokes up.

Shuri wipes a tear that falls down Steve’s cheek. “We know what drives you. We understand.”

Steve nods, his shoulders losing some of the tension. “Okay.”

She steps away, back in business mode. “Okay. I need the algorithms. Log into the cloud, I want everything you're got. Wanda, the cold storage room next door is open, the cell repair complex is in the blue tubes, bring them all.” Wanda nods and rushes to the room.

Steve walks to the controls and starts to log into the Avengers database. “Here it is,” he says just as Wanda comes back, holding ten tubes of startlingly blue liquid.

“Okay, let me download it and enter it into my machine." Shuri's all business now. "Steve, take off your shirt and lay down. Wanda, please put the serum into syringes for me, we really only have a small window of time.”

“Is it going to take an hour like the other treatments? Cause Barkhuizen said it could be much quicker?” Steve asks, taking off his shirt and kicking off his shoes.

“No, that is only for controlled experiment purposes, it can be increased to half that time,” Shuri responds absent-mindedly, transferring the data.

“We need it quicker. Can we make it fifteen?” Steve asks, climbing on the bed.

“That’s risky, Steve,” she says, looking up at him.

“It’s going to be fine. In those fifteen minutes, can you organise me some clothes? And tell that last team to load up and get ready, Wanda and I should be out in thirty minutes, tops,” Steve orders as Shuri comes to stand next to the bed. He's already lying down in just his slacks and undershirt. His body looks frail, but the determination in his eyes is unwavering.

Shuri isn’t even trying to fight back anymore. “Okay, there's some tac suits down the hall, I'll get them.”

“How do we do this?” Wanda asks, holding the syringes. Shuri takes half of them.

“Five in this arm, five in that one. Steve, I’m going to tie you down, I can’t risk- I don’t know how this much complex will-”

“It’s fine,” Steve answers, holding his arms out.

Shuri presses a button, and four metal straps appear from the edges of the bed - two go around his arms, the other two around his thighs and calves. His breathing quickens and he tries to get it back under control. Deep breaths, in and out. He needs to look strong, show that he's okay. They can't know how close to panic he really is.

Wanda takes a step closer, grabbing Steve’s hand. “Steve…?”

Of course she knows.

Squeezing her hand, he tries to reassure her. “For Bucky,” he says simply, forcing his breathing to slow and his muscles to relax. Shuri and Wanda look at each one last time.

“For Bucky,” they agree, administering the serum. Steve can already feel the burn in his veins... Or maybe it's just in his head?

They step back and Shuri switches the machine on; that familiar crescent of light cascading around him, locking him in. Steve looks to one of the chairs - yesterday Bucky was sitting there, joking and eating his cinnamon thingies, teasing Steve. Now, the chair is empty... but maybe not for long? Closing his eyes, he tries to focus on the change his body is about to undergo.

His whole body starts to burn from within without any warning, the pain spreading from his arms, vibrating, shaking. Tremors run between his bones, rattling him. His veins feel like fire. Everything hurts, more than he could ever imagine. Did it hurt this bad the first time around? He can't remember... His jaw clenches tight. He hopes he doesn’t break any teeth...

He blinks - his vision is blurry, but he can still see the two girls standing together, holding each other tight in fear. He can’t comfort them, he can’t say anything - if he opens his mouth, he's going to scream. He knows he's going to scream either way, it's just a matter of time. He can feel the convulsions starting, his arms and legs struggling to get free. The straps are tight, digging into his skin.

His back arches up and when he feels his bones breaking, then reknitting, he finally opens his mouth and lets out the shrieks he tried to keep back.

The only thing on his mind is Bucky.

Bucky.

_Bucky._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a drabble taking place between this chapter and the next one - Steve's transformation from Wanda's POV. You can find it [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24561532) 🖤


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Elethu-"  
> "We leave in two minutes, with or without the others! James is still out there, needing our help!" Elethu states, his voice hard.  
> "Help that he will get. We can leave now, two minutes ahead of schedule," a calm, authoritative voice comes from behind them.  
> Elethu and the rest spin around to the speaker. The hangar door has opened, and two people stand in it; side by side, ready for action. Ready to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a drabble taking place between chapter 28 and this one - Steve's transformation from Wanda's POV. [Go read that](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24561532) before you continue here 😉

13 Nov 2024

Shuri said half past, they can leave half past on the dot. They were ordered to wait thirty minutes - she didn’t say why, but Elethu can guess. James. He knows what happened, Shuri told him when she asked for extra time - Bucky is hurt and she's bringing someone in to help. That's all they know. So now they wait… The craft is loaded, the team getting restless. Onyeka keeps glaring at his watch as if it will make the time go faster.

Elethu takes a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. He's sitting on the edge of the craft, his feet tapping the side, a release for his pent-up energy. He's holding a remote for one of the force field walls. Everything's been sent out, and it's working, this is the last one they need, the village where James’s friends are... They are waiting for it, and _why_ can’t they just go _now_?!

“How long?” Elethu asks Onyeka, who looks at his watch once again.

“Two minutes less than the last time you asked,” he snaps.

Okay, Elethu realizes he's getting impatient and annoying the others. That’s okay. Time is of the essence here, they don’t have much of it. Pursing his lips, he looks back at Onyeka. "Meaning three minutes until we leave," he replies and stands up, climbing in the hovercraft.

"We can't leave without them!" Onyeka says as he keeps looking towards the hangar door. It's still closed.

Elethu cracks his neck. "Then they better hurry. We need to deliver and set up this wall to let those kids evacuate-"

"Elethu-"

"We leave in two minutes, with or without the others! James is still out there, needing our help!" Elethu states, his voice hard.

"Help that he will get. We can leave now, two minutes ahead of schedule," a calm, authoritative voice comes from behind them.

Elethu and the rest spin around to the speaker. The hangar door has opened, and two people stand in it; side by side, ready for action. Ready to fight.

Elethu knows he isn’t the only one staring. He blinks a couple times, then looks to Wanda, to make sure he's seeing her companion right. She gives a nod and a small hint of a smile.

As one, Wanda and the man next to her walk briskly towards them. The man stands tall – making Wanda look positively child-like in comparison - shoulders broad and muscled, his face grim and resolute. His jaw is tight, blue eyes hard and focused. He's dressed from head to toe in black - black boots, black cargo pants, a tight black t-shirt, with a black backpack over his shoulder. Two gauntlet shields rest on his forearms. He's a sight to behold, fierce and bold, unapologetic in how he owns the space around him.

Elethu finally finds his voice. "... Steve?"

He's seen pictures, of course, the videos, when he gave in one evening and googled James. You couldn't find information about Bucky Barnes without stumbling across his best friend, Steve Rogers. _I_ _nseparable_ _on both_ _schoolyard and battlefield_ _._

The blonde giant nods, walking straight to the craft and helping Wanda get in before jumping in himself. "Yes, apologies for the wait, gentlemen. Let's get going, shall we?" he smiles crookedly. Everyone is still staring. Steve looks at his watch, then back up. "The thirty minutes are up, are we leaving or what?"

Elethu shakes it off and turns to Onyeka. "Let's go."

It's as if the words break a spell - that's enough for everyone to burst into action, though they keep muttering under their breath. Elethu stands at the back of the craft, checking the equipment is secure, as they leave the bay and make their way towards the mountain. Once he's done, he takes a deep breath and sits down right opposite Steve and Wanda, shaking his head. Somehow, Steve Rogers beat the odds of time once again. His skin is smooth and wrinkle-free, his grey hair back to blonde and shining the sun. He looks just like he did before, back before the Snap, back in WWII. This is not what Elethu expected when Shuri said 'someone to help'. Steve is supposed to be old. A whole life lived... His grandchildren are near the age of the team sitting here. Still, here Steve sits, picture-perfect, like he just stepped out of one of the reels they all know. The Captain, the leader, the warrior.

But his eyes… Elethu can see his eyes are different. They're weary. They're _scared_. Steve may be intimidating, he may be in charge again, but there is fear in those eyes when he thinks no one is watching. Whatever he did, he did for James. Elethu doesn’t need to know what it was, but he suspects it must've been impossibly hard.

Is this really _friendship_? Was James the only one to have feelings here?

Taking a breath, he asks the more important question. "Any news on James?"

Steve shakes his head as Wanda leans forward and answers, "No, he's still trapped. His right arm is broken, and his left arm is stuck. Steve has what he needs here..." she points to the bag, "... to remove the left arm, set the right one, and bring him out."

Elethu nods with calm resignation. "He fell right where the staircase is, right? Or was?"

"Yes," Steve answers, not elaborating.

Elethu takes a breath, then shakes his head. His hands fold together, clenching and unclenching. "Dammit, James, why did you have to wait for us?" he softly whispers.

Steve opens his mouth to say something, but Wanda gives him a slight jab with her elbow. He turns to her. "Be kind," she mouths. Steve purses his lips and looks away.

It's quiet for a few minutes

Steve finally loosens his jaw. He's not the Captain anymore, he doesn't have anyone following his orders. He just wants to save Bucky, and taking it out on Elethu won't help. It's clear to see that Elethu blames himself, that he is worried sick about Bucky. Just because Steve has a longer history with Bucky, he isn't entitled to feel like he has more of a claim on him. He likes Elethu just fine - he's a good man, that much is clear... he also managed to make Bucky open up and enter a relationship, a real one, his first in decades. This man was, until a few days ago, Bucky's partner, his lover, his other half. Just because Steve was - _is_ \- jealous, doesn't negate the fact that Elethu loves Bucky, and Bucky, in a way, loves him. Steve has no more right to Bucky than anybody else here... In fact, after what he did… he really shouldn't have any right at all.

Sighing, he leans closer. "Elethu." Elethu looks up at him. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself, Bucky did what he does best, he took care of you all. He will always put others before himself... The volcano wasn't supposed to erupt this quickly. If you had any idea, you wouldn't have gone. Same with him, if he suspected, he would have made sure you all were out of there before he even stepped foot inside."

Elethu swallows and looks away. "I didn't want to leave him. He asked me three times, he told me..." he doesn't finish. Steve briefly wonders what that was - it certainly stayed on Elethu's mind.

"I know. You did everything you could."

Elethu nods and loses some of the tension in his shoulders. "You're going to get him out, right?"

"Whatever it takes. I'm not leaving him there."

Elethu looks into Steve's eyes and finally smiles softly. "No. No, I know you won't."

The rest of the trip is silent. They somehow come to a mutual agreement, no words needed, just some compassion. Wanda watches them, holding Steve’s hand. Her eyes are still red - she and Shuri cried in the lab... Steve knows what they saw. The transformation wasn’t a kind one.

“I’m going to get him, I promise,” Steve assures her, squeezing her hand. It's so small compared to his. Again. “Help these men, get Sam and Pietro out and then come pick us up, okay?”

She nods and gives him a small smile. Her hands are shaking, so Steve lets go of them to wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug. Wanda buries her face in his neck.

"I went into your head, you know. During-"

"I know," he interrupts her. "I felt you there. It's okay. We'll talk about it when I get back, okay?"

He feels her nod. “I’m scared, Steve.”

“Me too. But, for now… we have to let that fear drive us forward, not back, okay?”

“Okay,” she sniffles. “You _will_ get him, right?”

Steve embraces her tighter. “I promise. We will both come out. I’m not coming out of that cave without him.” He lays a soft kiss against her head before he lets go. Looking up, he notices they're close to the mountain. The craft comes to a stop.

“You need to get off here, run the last bit. It’s less than a kilometer,” Onyeka says, pointing to a small gravel path.

“The eastern entrance is that way?” Steve asks for clarification.

“Yes,” Elethu answers, standing up. He points to the trail. “It twists twice around some rock formations, but the way should be clear. The entrance will be visible once you pass those trees - it's about three meters wide, but narrows down as you go in. It’s reasonably straight inside, a few turns, but it's wide and high enough for the both of you.”

Steve nods and gets off. Turning back, he holds his hand out to Elethu, who looks at it, then back at Steve's face. Finally, he reaches out and grabs it. “I hated you for what you did to him, but I see now… the inevitability of you. And I have to admit, what you do _for_ him is way more important, more telling, than what you do _to_ him. May Bast favour you both, and may you find balance between your words and your actions, Steve Rogers. Get him out.”

“I will,” Steve replies, stating a fact. They let go; Elethu sits back down, and Steve looks at Wanda one last time before he turns around and starts to jog up the path they showed him.

Elethu shares a look with his team, with Wanda, before sitting down. “Onyeka, let’s get going,” he softly instructs. He wants to offer some comfort, but he doesn’t know who needs it more, Wanda or himself. Instead, he just closes his eyes and folds his hands together. Sometimes silence is enough.

Steve runs up the path as fast as he can without risking a fall. He mentally reviews his instructions on the way - Shuri gave him not only clothes and his twin gauntlet shields. More importantly, he's carrying some top-notch field medical equipment to use on Bucky’s arm. Bucky said the break is bad, so she gave him a metal brace - a long U-shaped metal plate that'll support the arm, the sides extended so the break won’t snare or bump once it's on. There's also a foam, a type that expands like shaving cream or mousse - he's supposed to spray it underneath the arm, on the sides, even on top, and it'll create a strong, impenetrable cover. It will keep the arm nice and tight, preventing bacteria and dust particles from entering the wound; it's even going to numb some of the pain.

For his left arm, she gave him a code: 171003. Bucky chose it; ‘claiming the arm as his’ is how Shuri explained it. His birthday, claiming back his identity. ‘My name is Bucky’, that’s what he says when people ask now. _His_ birthday is the code. Bucky Barnes's, not the Asset's.

Steve is to press a switch in the armpit and on top of the shoulder at the same time, and a small keypad should appear on one of the plates. He is to enter the code, wait for a green light, and then the arm will detach itself.

Free Bucky. Set his arm. Get him out.

That’s the mission. That’s the only mission.

Free Bucky. Set his arm. Get him out.

He will do it, whatever it takes.

Steve makes it to the entrance in great time, smiling to himself. He hasn’t been able to run like this in decades, and a small part of him is revelling and enjoying the moment. It will not distract him from his mission, but he's human enough to admit he feels good. Great.

He comes to a stop, taking a deep breath and looking around. There's ash in the air, limiting visibility. In the distance, he can just barely make out crafts carrying people back to the palace. He can clearly see the path of the lava though, the force field walls holding and saving huge swaths of land.

He turns on his earpiece. “Shuri, can you hear me?”

“ _Steve! Yes, how are you? How do you feel? Are you at the cave? Have you found Bucky? Is he okay? Are_ you _okay?”_ Shuri rambles off question after question.

“Calm down! I’m still okay, body is holding, feeling great. I'm at the entrance, just arrived, just checking in. About to go into the cave now. How’s things on that side?”

“ _Good. Elethu arrived safely, they're setting up the last of the walls now, Wanda is busy redirecting the flow to get Sam and the others out. The children are all safe.”_

“That’s great. Okay, I will check in later, got to go.”

“ _Take care and be safe.”_

“Will do. Over and out.” He cuts the transmission.

“BUCKY!” he bellows, stepping into the cave and looking around. It's hot and he can't see very well...

He suddenly realizes something is very wrong. He feels woozy, legs unstable, trembling as if he run thirty kilometers, not less than one. It spreads quickly, and he drops the backpack as his whole body starts to seize up. “Fuck…” he groans, trying to catch his breath. His knees buckle and he tries to stop his fall, but his arms shake too much. He can't think through the pain, other than _‘No, no, no!’ -_ the words reverberate through his mind as he lies on the ground, screaming in pain. Not yet, he hasn’t saved Bucky yet!

Just when he thinks he's going to pass out, the convulsions finally stop. Taking a few deep breaths, he opens his eyes. His eyes fall on his hands. “Oh shit…” he mumbles and flexes his fingers, digging them into the warm soil. They're... smaller than before? His wrists seem to be thinner. Not by much, but he can see – _feel_ \- a difference.

Steadying himself, he pushes up to his knees. Looking at his arms he can see they're smaller too; he touches where the shirt is suddenly loose around his chest and stomach. He must tighten the belt by two notches just to keep his trousers on his hips. His legs are a bit thinner too, but the change is much more pronounced in his upper body. Are his shoes a bit too big? He didn’t just loose body mass, he must've lost height too, the trousers are definitely too long now…

“Fuck, please, just let me save Bucky first…” he quietly begs as he takes stock of his new body for a second time in under an hour.

If this body is failing, if he is losing his youth, his strength... He needs to get to Bucky _right now_.

Squaring his shoulders, he takes a careful step forward. His body is holding, as strong and steady as possible while still recovering from that seizure. He takes out the flashlight from the bag and switches it on, starting to walk into the dark cave. The backpack goes over his shoulder, his two gauntlets shields – now somewhat loose – rest at his forearms. He's ready to go on with the mission.

About ten meters in he stops. He can hear something. “Bucky?!” he yells and starts to move faster. The flashlight shakes as he breaks into a run.

The deeper he goes, the louder the noise gets.

“Bucky!” he yells again, running faster. His shoulders scratch against the walls, but he doesn’t care enough to slow down. He can make out the noise now, and it's chilling him to the core. Bucky is screaming. Agonising, blood-curdling howls of pain.

“Bucky!” Steve keeps shouting, running at full speed until he suddenly comes to an empty space. The staircase. The shrieks are loud now, horribly shrill, echoing around him. There's rocks everywhere, making the going difficult; the air is unbearably hot and he overheats immediately. The cavern is alight with a red and orange glow as he runs towards the sobbing screams.

“Buck! I’m here, Bucky! Hold on, I'm here!” Steve goes around a rock and comes to a sudden stop. He found Bucky. “Oh god… oh god, oh my god, Bucky…”

Bucky's lying down, his legs thrashing in an attempt to free himself. His right arm is moving, dark red and shiny with blood, but his left arm… The part he can see is slowly starting to glow red. Steve looks up, seeing the lava flowing this way, Bucky in its path. His arm is literally melting while attached, and Bucky can feel it all.

Steve looks around helplessly, then crouches down carefully, next to Bucky's head. “Bucky? Buck, it’s me...”

Bucky doesn’t recognize him - his eyes are shut tight and his voice hoarse from screaming. He's stopped, half passed out, half delirious. He's mumbling and groaning, his head thrashing from side to side.

“Buck, I’m going to remove your arm, okay?” Steve reaches out and touches the arm. “Ow, fuck!” he cries, snapping his hand back. The metal is hot. “Fuck… Yeah, great thinking, Rogers...” Grabbing one of the several bottles of water in his bag, he pours the contents on the arm, causing sizzling steam to rise up. He takes a breath and presses the two places Shuri showed him; on top of Bucky’s shoulder, a small keypad appears. With shaking fingers, he inputs the code. He has some small burns on his hand at this point, but he doesn't care. The arm releases with a slow hiss and he wants to cry in relief.

Bucky’s thrashing stops immediately and he mumbles something.

“Buck?” Steve asks tentatively.

“H-he-help...?” Bucky whimpers.

“Yes, come on, let’s get you out of here.” Steve looks around and notices that the lava is much closer than it was a moment ago. Ignoring the right arm for now, he puts his hands under Bucky’s shoulders and heaves him up.

“I'm sorry, pal, this is gonna hurt... Fuck, your skin is warm…” Steve mumbles, then realizes why. The metal arm was reinforced with metal screws deep into the shoulder and side, so those would be hot too… Shit, he hopes there isn’t internal damage.

Bucky is too delirious to understand what is going on, but he seems to know he's being moved, that someone is carrying him. As if on auto, his legs tries to move, help keep him upright as they step away from the lava. Steve holds him as close as he can, his arm around Bucky's waist. Bucky’s head is lolling on Steve's shoulder, he's hot and sweaty, mumbling as they move, but showing no other signs of being aware of his surroundings.

“I got you, I got you, come on, just a little further…”

Steve half-carries, half-drags him a few meters towards the exit when he realizes he has to stop, use one of Shuri's walls to block the lava from following them. They are moving too slow.

“Just a few steps and we can take a quick rest, okay? Buck, come on, wake up, buddy…”

Bucky's only answer is a pained whine as his legs finally give out.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There, much better. I can see your face again… your beautiful handsome face…” Steve whispers and takes out another bottle. Placing his hand against Bucky’s cheek, he softly caresses it. “Come on, Buck, wake up… We need to go…” he croons.  
> Bucky starts to stir but his eyes remain closed. “Hmm..?” he groans.  
> “Buck? Come on, have some water.”  
> “St-v…?” Bucky mumbles and Steve can feel his face break out in a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again - trigger warning for some description of Bucky's injuries (open fracture in his arm)

13 nov 2024

Sam and Pietro try keeping the kids together, slowly moving them out of harm’s way, looking for an opening they can get through.

“How are you holding up, Pietro?” Sam asks, walking behind the row of children, holding the hand of the youngest one. Pietro's in front, ready to grab a kid and flash through to the other side if there's a gap in the stream of lava.

“I’m fine, you worry too much.”

“It's my job to worry!”

“Yes, you are our Captain, yes. But you trained us well - you are good, so _we_ are good. Have a little faith,” Pietro answers with a wide smile. Sam can only shake his head fondly.

The opening comes as they reach a clearing - it looks as if someone took a broom, sweeping the lava backwards.

Pietro grins broadly. _Wanda._

“Sam, you seeing this?” he asks, looking behind him. Sam comes to the front, pulling the young girl with him, relief clear on his face.

“Oh, yes… what a beautiful sight!”

They watch as the craft comes into view, only two people, a driver and Wanda, inside. Wanda's standing upright, hair flying, arms held out, red swirls at her fingertips. Her eyes glow red, but she smiles.

“You damsels need some help?” she asks while a particularly wide wave of her hand pushes the lava even further out. Pietro shakes his head and picks up two kids, flashing them to the craft. Before Sam knows what's happening, Pietro's back, taking another two kids. Rolling his eyes, Sam starts jogging to the craft, the remaining kids following.

Once they're all in the craft and on their way back to the village, Wanda continues sweeping the lava to form a half-crescent wall, a dam of sorts, that hardens quickly. Once that's done, she turns to them and smirks. “Miss me, boys?”

Sam points his finger. “You hang out with Barnes way too much, makes you sassy- hey, what’s going on, what's wrong?” Sam asks, seeing the sudden grim look that overcomes her features once he mentions Bucky. Pietro, who's sitting in the back and eating one of the protein bars Sam gave him, suddenly comes forward, worried, and grabs her hand. Wanda looks away, her eyes filling with tears. Sam leans closer as well. “Wanda, is Bucky okay?”

Wanda shakes her head before looking up. “He got t-trapped in the caves... He made sure Elethu and the others were out, then the volcano erupted. He got trapped and had to go to another exit, but he fell, and now he is trapped, and can't get out!” she explains, wiping her eyes. One of the boys comes closer.

“Is teacher Bucky hurt?”

Wanda looks at him, reaching out her hand. She recognises him, it's one of the kids in Bucky’s class, the one who loves dragons.

“He's gonna be okay, Cetshwayo. He is in a cave, he is stuck, but don’t worry, someone is there to help him. He will not let anything happen to him, he loves Bucky very, very much. Just stay strong, okay? I'm sure Bucky's going to want to hear all about your adventure here once he gets out,” Wanda assures the kid, who looks sad, but nods decisively.

“He is White Wolf, he is strong, and even in the cave, the fire won’t hurt him.”

Wanda smiles and nods. “Of course not.”

Satisfied, the kid runs off and sits with the others. Wanda looks up to see Pietro and Sam staring at her.

“Who went to him?” Pietro asks, frowning.

Sam just sighs deeply before sitting back. “What did Steve do?”

Wanda smiles before looking back at the mountain. “He went to save Bucky.”

Steve carries Bucky the last few steps with difficulty - Bucky's passed out and isn’t helping Steve move like he did before. The pain must've finally gotten to him. Going around a corner, he sees a huge rock in their path - he has no idea how he managed to get past it before without even noticing it. He slowly lowers Bucky down so he's half-sitting in the corner between the rock and the wall. He needs to get some meds into him, and set his arm... but first, the lava flow. Taking a few smaller stones that are lying around them, he quickly goes back towards the cavern. He places the rocks and one of Shuri’s gadgets on the floor.

“Okay, turn the knob to the left, switch on, and... ah-hah!” Steve smiles as a force field appears, blocking the tunnel completely, wall to wall, floor to ceiling. Shuri assured him that it's strong enough to stop the flow for a while - not permanently, but enough to buy them some time. With the field up, Steve turns and rushes back to Bucky.

He needs to alert Shuri, and Wanda. He quickly taps his earpiece. “Shuri?”

“ _Steve! Anything?”_ Shuri’s voice quivers.

“I got him. We got about… I don’t know, ninety, eighty meters left? Had to put him down, he passed out. I came back, put the field up, about to set his arm and give him meds and water.”

“ _Why didn’t you set it when you found him? The walk must have agitated it more, caused him more pain.”_

“There wasn’t time… Shuri…” Steve wants to explain, but his voice starts to shake. He can still hear the screams, he still sees the puddle of melting metal that used to be Bucky's left hand.

“ _Steve, what happened?”_

“The lava… He got so close, god… It started melting the arm while it was still attached. Shuri, he felt it all, the screams…”

Shuri gasps. _“Oh Bast… Fuck, are you out now? How is he?”_

“I just removed the arm, picked him up and made a run for it. I really need to go to him now-”

“ _Wait, no. Calm down, okay? First things first… You see the four syringes? Give him both yellow ones, and one of the clear ones, then set his arm. Then water, then get out of there… Oh, and see if you can use the bandage with the silver foil and wrap it around his chest and shoulder.”_

“What does it all do?” Steve asks, already rummaging in the backpack.

“ _The yellow ones are nanites… With those injuries, he will have burns from the metal in his chest, those will help. The clear one is morphine, for the pain, and the bandage is to cool his skin, which will help with the internal damage. Fuck, you need to get him back here as quick as you can.”_

“Okay. Okay. I can do this. I'll contact you as soon as we're out.”

“ _Thank you. Take care.”_

“Taking care of him first. Will you tell Wanda?”

“ _Yes, straight away.”_

“Where's T’Challa?”

“ _They're on their way back. Don’t worry, I have it under control, just get Bucky and get_ out _. I'll be waiting.”_

“That's the plan. Over and out.” Steve taps the earpiece to turn it off. He doesn’t want to be interrupted while helping Bucky.

Bucky's right where he left him, he hasn’t moved at all. He looks bad, Steve can see his skin is pale and clammy underneath all the dirt.

“Buck? Can you hear me?” Steve asks, putting his hands on Bucky’s cheeks, lifting his head. He's still out of it. He's dirty, so dirty... his clothes wet and sticky with sweat, skin caked with dust, clear tear tracks on his cheeks. Steve does not hold those against him.

“I’m going to give you some painkillers and set your arm, okay? Shuri sent these, so we know it'll work fast. Syringes first, huh?” He lifts up Bucky’s sleeve and puts four fingers against the shoulder. “See, just like Ma showed us…” He empties all three syringes before pulling away.

Looking back at Bucky's face, he notices that it isn’t so tightly set anymore - but he still hasn't woken up. Steve isn’t sure what he prefers, Bucky unconscious while he works, or awake and in pain...

Taking a breath, he pulls out one of the bottles of water. He took several, thank goodness - he didn’t expect to use them like this. Pouring the water over the broken arm, he tries to clean as much as he can.

“Dammit Buck, how did you manage this? This must’ve hurt…” Steve mutters as he gets a good look at it. It looks bad. Gruesome. The bone sticks out about three inches, the skin is torn apart... It must've bled a lot - the pallor in Bucky’s face is more than just pain, it's blood loss.

Once the wound is as clean as it'll get, he takes the metal brace Shuri gave him and carefully puts Bucky’s arm inside. It fits from elbow to palm, only the fingertips free. It's just high enough that the bone doesn't stick out, thank god. Making sure the arm is secure, he takes the can of foam and empties it around and on top of it. The foam expands, covering the skin, setting against the metal brace and over the break. It's soft, but he knows it's strong, too - the arm is safe and snug inside.

Once that's done, he puts everything back in the bag and pulls out a silver bandage. “Okay, now this… ready?”

No response.

Steve purses his lips and straddles Bucky’s legs, pulling him forward so he's half leaning against him, to lift his shirt. The skin is red and swollen.

“Shit. Fuck. Bucky...” Steve whispers and hastily puts the bandage around Bucky’s torso and over his shoulder as best as he can with the limited time they have. He occasionally glances back to the cave, but so far the force field is holding. Thank fuck for that.

Once done, he pulls Bucky’s shirt down and moves away. He carefully fits his hand under Bucky's chin, pushes his face back and up, and slowly pours some water on his forehead. Taking a cloth in his free hand, he wipes Bucky’s face clean - or as clean as it'll get.

“There, much better. I can see your face again… your beautiful handsome face…” Steve whispers and takes out another bottle. Placing his hand against Bucky’s cheek, he softly caresses it. “Come on, Buck, wake up… We need to go…” he croons.

Bucky starts to stir but his eyes remain closed. “Hmm..?” he groans.

“Buck? Come on, have some water.”

“St-v…?” Bucky mumbles and Steve can feel his face break out in a smile.

“Yeah… yeah, it’s me. Come on, open your eyes, got some water for you…”

Bucky opens his mouth, but not his eyes - he's trying to, but is a little slow getting there. Steve puts the bottle against his mouth and pours some water in. Bucky swallows it without thinking.

“Yeah, that’s it, that’s good,” Steve encourages. Bucky only manages a few sips before starting to cough. “Okay, let's try again now… Can you open your eyes for me?”

“Ste-Stevie?”

“I'm sorry, I know you're hurt, but you need to wake up... Look at me, come on, we need to get out of here.”

Bucky slowly opens his eyes and turns to Steve. His eyes are glassy, looking but not really seeing. He mouth curls into a bitter twist of a smile. “I wondered when you'd show up… You always come before the wipes, don't you? Always…”

Steve feels the air leave his lungs. He leans back and nearly falls. “W-What?”

Bucky rolls his eyes and looks away, somewhere in the distance. “I’m not playing along this time, Steve, I see what this is… I’m not doing this again, okay?”

Steve feels his stomach drop. This is not the meeting he had planned - he isn’t sure _what_ he expected, but this wasn't it… unless…

“Bucky… What do you mean, you’re not playing along?”

Bucky sighs deeply, then turns back to Steve. One side of his mouth is upturned into a half smile. It's still bitter, cynical and painful. "My brain is so mashed up I can't even hallucinate you full size? You’re, what, two inches short?"

Steve's mouth drops open. "Bucky? Buck, you're not hallucinating me, it's me, I did something stupid, that machine of Shuri's... Well, it’s a long story. But it's me, and something went wrong, cause I had some sort of fit, it made me lose some of the- well, whatever it is, and now I’m shorter and smaller, but still... bigger and stronger? And, well, not old…” Steve tries to explain, but Bucky's having none of it.

"That's creative. What did they do this time? You always get more creative, depending on the pain. God, I should've just passed out, would be easier to deal with the wipe. Did you know you always make the wipes hurt more? Frying you out of me, it's harder, you know..."

Steve feels his whole body freeze, ice-cold even in the scorching heat of the cave.

_What?_


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve reaches out with his hand, but stops halfway. “Buck, believe me, please... I am real, okay? I am not in your head.”  
> Bucky snorts and leans back, resting his head against the rock. “That’s what you always say. I think it’s in the rulebook, hallucination 101, say you are real.” Bucky looks back at Steve and tries to reach out, but his face contorts in pain and he looks to his left side. Seeing the metal arm gone, he starts to hyperventilate. "God, no, not another test, please, no..." he whimpers, closing his eyes.

13 Nov 2024

Steve takes several breaths, just staring at Bucky. The implications... he can hear what Bucky's saying, he can understand the words, but it's like the meaning won’t register. What Bucky is saying- what he's implying-

“Buck… you hallucinated me… while with Hydra? I made your wipes... worse..?” Steve hates himself for asking, but he has to. That can't be what Bucky means… right...?

Bucky shrugs - or tries to, but quickly stops when it hurts too much. He looks at his right arm, a frown on his face.

“Buck…”

“You know this!" Bucky explodes. "You were there, every time, except- except that one with Pierce… But I-I knew you! Anyway, you _know_ this! When I’m too long out of cryo, you would always come, little by little… Why am I explaining myself to you, again? You’re in my head…” Bucky trails off, looking around, frowning as he notices his surroundings.

Steve remembers Rumlow, jeering, taunting him, ' _he knew you - your pal, your buddy, your_ Bucky _, until we put his brain back in the blender…'_ He can feel the cave getting smaller - he can't breathe, his vision is narrowing… He forces himself to take a deep breath and the walls recede.

Why have they never talked about this stuff before?

He reaches out with his hand, but stops halfway. “Buck, believe me, please... I am real, okay? I am _not_ in your head.”

Bucky snorts and leans back, resting his head against the rock. “That’s what you always say. I think it’s in the rulebook, hallucination 101, say you are real.” Bucky looks back at Steve and tries to reach out, but his face contorts in pain and he looks to his left side. Seeing the metal arm gone, he starts to hyperventilate. "God, no, not another test, please, no..." he whimpers, closing his eyes.

"Bucky, what are you talking about? I removed the arm, remember? The lava? Shuri will make you a new one!"

"But I didn't mean to break it... I really didn't, I'm- I'm sorry, the order was to execute the mission, no holdbacks, I had no choice!" Bucky says quickly, hysterically.

Steve stares. "You got punished if you damaged the arm?" Steve asks and Bucky growls.

"As if you don't know?! What, too busy being gone while they wiped me? Too scared of the volts running through my brain? But yes, you wouldn't, would you... They take you away, again and again and again and _again_ , and I keep _losing_ you. Why do I keep lo-losing you?" he asks, his voice broken, his shoulders hunched.

Steve falls forward on his knees, wanting to embrace Bucky, but afraid to. "Oh, Buck..."

Bucky looks up, his hair in his face, hiding one eye. He smiles, but it comes out more like a grimace. "It’s okay, shh... you can stay until Zola comes back with Karpov... I can hear them, back there, near the ovens..." Bucky whispers, glancing back to where they came from. Steve looks towards the cave - they can feel the radiating heat, hear the soft grumble of the volcano. It's not far, but the force field is holding for now.

Steve looks back at Bucky. "Bucky, that's the mountain, Yegolide, remember? Here in Wakanda... Please, _please,_ you're not _back there_."

"Shh... Don't say stuff like that. It may be a mountain, but its Hell's headquarters on earth... See, here? They’re going to punish me for damaging the arm... And look, my right one, also broken... huh..." Bucky glances down, seeing the makeshift cast. "That's new tech... Why would they cast it? They're supposed to test the pain threshold..."

Steve can't listen to it... every word shatters him more and more. He wipes his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. How much does Bucky remember? How is he going to get him out of the memory?

"Buck, please... snap out of it! You're real, here, with me... Look, I’m real," he tries, but his throat closes up. He tries to swallow the lump that's formed there.

"Steve, it's okay... When they wipe me, you'll be there for the first few volts, and then you'll be gone. You don't have to see it," Bucky murmurs comfortingly.

"Buck... believe me, this is real! Why won't you believe me?"

Bucky tilts his head. "Because it's the same script every time, you trying to save me. I want to believe you, I really do, but then... I get wiped. Placed in the fridge till next time. Out of cryo for a while, I start to remember, you try to save me, telling me the Howlies are here, that Peggy is waiting with Howard at the extraction site. Every time, Stevie."

Steve wants to scream. The tears are softly running down his face, through the layer of dust that's formed there. "Bucky, this is real. You're in Wakanda, the volcano erupted, you got stuck in here. Sam and Wanda are out there, and Pietro... Shuri is worried sick about you. She will give you a new arm."

Bucky stares at Steve with wonder. "Wow, I guess I'm more messed up than I thought. Those names? Wow. Let's go back to the old script, yeah? You're right at the part where I'm nearly convinced you're real and we plan to run to freedom together. That never happens, but it's a nice part. It's right before I pass out and they extract me for wiping. That's my favourite part, do that part, please."

Steve looks down in agony, his heart breaking all over again. His hands vibrate with the need to either punch something, or pull Bucky to him, hold him close and never, ever let go. When he looks up, Bucky is still looking at him with hope, and that hurts more than anything else.

Steve never showed up to save him.

Swallowing his tears, he tries to smile. "What part is that? What do I say to convince you?"

Bucky smiles bitterly and looks away. "That… that I'm not alone in how I... feel... about you. That once out of here, we will be together. That I have nothing to worry about with Peggy, and then... then I'm amazed and I think it's real. I take your hand to make a run for it, and... and your hand is just air, there's nothing except pain and darkness, and I pass out. Let's do that. I want to pass out now, please..." he begs.

Steve closes his eyes. He messed up, he messed up so bad... How on Earth is ever going to fix this? He knows he can't play this part. He can't do that to Bucky. Not like this.

He looks up and sniffs. He needs to come clean, anchor Bucky in reality somehow. "I went to see your family, you know... They all knew how you felt, didn't they? Your ma, Becks, all of them, even Dum Dum, right? And Peggy?"

Bucky frowns at that. "What do you mean you saw my family?" he asks instead.

"When I went back, after the battle, the funeral, with the Infinity Stones, when I... when I went back to live a life, a whole life without you... I, I went to see them. Your ma was happy to see me, but then she found out that I- that Peggy- and she was hurt. Your little sister ran out, Becks followed, I heard them, _'what about Bucky'_... Becks told her to be quiet, your ma... I didn't see her again, your sisters refused to see me, too. We met briefly when we put your name on a plaque at SHIELD. They didn't want anything to do with me. They knew how you felt, they thought..." Steve trails off, crying softly. He doesn't even try to stop the tears from falling.

Bucky swallows - he never hallucinated _them_ , he didn’t even want to imagine his mom’s pain in seeing her son like this. “I would never hallucinate this, you talking about them but… I- I wish you were real, I wish this was real… You are, _were_ , the most real I ever had…”

With tears running down his face, Steve places his hands on Bucky’s cheeks softly. "Feel that? I'm real. I'm _here_. You _have_ me."

He can see Bucky’s eyes, the haze slowly retreating, the realization... the touch grounding him. It's not air, Bucky can feel the pressure. His eyes widen and he blinks a couple of times. "Steve?"

"Yeah, Buck, it's me," Steve answers, a laugh and a sob mixed into one hysterical sound.

"Thought you were older?" Bucky blurts out, unsure of what to say besides the most obvious. Steve clears his throat.

"Yeah, I... I took the stupid, again."

"What did you _do_?” Bucky asks with wonder, his eyes running over every inch of Steve's body. The soft, smooth skin, dirty from being in the cave with him. The blonde hair already messy from the heat and sweat. Blue eyes clear but full of tears, the tracks on his cheeks. The lips, pink and a little chapped from being down here.

Steve shrugs, but he doesn’t let go of Bucky’s face. "Doesn't matter. I couldn't leave you here, could I?"

Bucky frowns and looks around. Steve lets go of him and sits back. "Shouldn't we try to get out? This mountain isn't very stable."

Steve sighs and gets up. He looks down at Bucky’s legs. "How are you feeling? Can you walk?"

"Ugh, yes, that wasn't the problem," Bucky replies and tries to stand up, but only ends up groaning and clenching his teeth.

Steve puts the backpack back on and crouches down. “Come on.” He puts his arms around Bucky’s torso and lifts him up, then lets go but keeps one arm around Bucky’s waist to help him walk. Bucky's still pale and doesn't really even bear his own weight. They start to shuffle forward, trying to avoid the biggest rocks and stones - making small progress, but progress nonetheless.

After a few meters Steve curiosity gets the better of him. "Buck? _Did_ they know?" The question is clear.

Bucky keeps staring ahead, trying to figure out what to say, what to do. After a few seconds, he sighs. He might as well come clean.

"Becks figured it out. She was fourteen, came to me, talking about this boy who asked her to a ball game... We got to talking about boys and stuff, I was a bit protective-”

“A bit?” Steve asks with a smile, and Bucky smiles too.

“Well, anyway… She said that as long as he looked at her the way _I_ looked at _you_ , she would be happy. Ma overhead. I was scared, but Ma, she... She _hugged_ me, said she loved me no matter who I loved, and that she was sorry that the world doesn't agree. She promised to keep it quiet and told Becky to do the same. She promised."

"They never told me..." Steve comments as they slowly make their way towards the exit.

“That’s what a promise is,” Bucky answers, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice.

“Yeah, I know, but-”

"What difference would it have made? You were gone, you went back for _her_ , to be with her. I was dead, or presumed dead..." Bucky answers, staring ahead. He doesn’t want to look at Steve.

Steve purses his lips and is quiet for a few seconds. "And Dum Dum?"

"Way smarter than he got credit for. He suspected, from how much I talked about you, and then he caught me making out with a man on one of our leaves. Went way far from the usual bars, some dark alley, but he was worried about me, came looking... He promised to stay quiet. Said as long as I did my job, watched his back, he didn't care who I kissed. When he met you, he cornered me in the med bay and I told him everything. He just hugged me close and said, _'that's real tough, son, wish I could help'_."

“Sounds like him. He was the brightest of us, really,” Steve answers.

“Yeah, that he was.”

“Did, uhm… did I, you know…”

“No, I don’t… Did you what?” Bucky asks, glancing sideways at Steve. They come to stop and Steve gently rests Bucky against the wall so they can both rest for a minute.

“Did I ever met him?”

“The guy? Uh, maybe? Not sure… He was captured with us, you rescued him. But there were so many in the 107th… He was one of the young cadets, he went home when the option was... given,” Bucky answers. Steve’s jaw clenches tight. Bucky didn’t, he stayed… for him. He could have gone home with that boy.

“Did you… get to say goodbye?” Steve asks, risking a glance at Bucky and regretting it instantly. Bucky's got a little cheeky grin on, the corners of his mouth turned up, teeth white, eyes bright… “Oh,” Steve whispers and Bucky turns to him.

“Ah, come on, Steve, you have a family! You can’t still be all uptight…”

“I’m not uptight!” Steve counters. He knows the blush on his face could be seen as prudish, but... it's not. He's not willing to dig into what it _is_ right now.

“Sure, Steve... but for a man who got it way more than I did, you really shouldn’t be so shy. Anyway, are we almost out?”

“Yes, just beyond that turn.” Steve's glad for the change of topic.

“Good.”

They continue shuffling. Steve opens his mouth and closes it again.

“Just ask, would you?” Bucky says, amused.

“What was his name?”

“Anderson… Myron Anderson, he was from Detroit. Tried to teach me how to play the harmonica… It didn’t take, made him laugh though…” Bucky’s smile is soft and sweet as he remembers. Steve turns to him. He wants to ask more - why didn’t he introduce him to Steve? How long were they together? Was he Bucky’s first? He pushes it all to the side - now is not the time. It never will be, he has no right, not after what he did.

He gives Bucky a reassuring smile. “I wish I met him. He sounds like a nice guy.”

“He was. You would've liked him, he was a middle child, made us all laugh, told us stories about home. He even once shared his mom’s cookies… he was a hero, Stevie, first home-made cookie in months, and the cinnamon… Best taste ever...” Bucky says, sighing, but still smiling. It's obviously a happy memory.

“Let’s get out of here, huh?” Steve nods towards the exit and they start to walk again. The sooner they're out of this cave, the better.

Pietro stares at his sister as she speaks; Sam just looks more and more concerned.

“Let me get this straight; he did a reckless, first-time-ever science experiment. And now he's young again, and so far it looks good, and he went to save Bucky, who is trapped and expects to die.”

Wanda nods. “That pretty much sums it up, yeah.”

“Does Bucky know what Steve did?”

Wanda shakes her head. “No, he doesn’t even know someone is coming to get him.”

“Oh god… what the hell, man…” Sam exclaims, wiping his face and running his hand over his head. If that isn’t a relapse in the making, he's going to eat his hat. On the other hand, maybe this is how they can finally be friends again. Maybe they can start over. They still have a lot to talk about, but now… now, they'll have time.

They will need to keep a close eye on Bucky. He will be in hospital for a while; with one arm broken, the other gone, he will be incapacitated. That means he won’t be able to dress himself, feed himself, go to the bathroom, even if he has advanced healing factor. Depending on the injury, the break and how much damage there is…

He really hopes Bucky is strong enough for this. He certainly came too far to backslide now. “This is all kinds of messed up,” he sighs and looks to the mountain.

“Certainly not boring... so, we are going to pick them up now?” Pietro adds, his eyes on the mountain as well, playing with the two protein bar wrappers.

“Yes,” Wanda replies. “We dropped Elethu and his team off as well, on our way here. They will hitch a ride back with the others so we can focus on Steve and Bucky, getting them out.”

“Whooaaa… Elethu was in the craft with you? He saw Steve?” Sam asks. Wanda nods. “Oh, this just gets better and better, doesn’t it?”

“Elethu is worried about Bucky. He didn’t give Steve any grief or trouble…”

“No, he wouldn’t,” Sam agrees. That wasn’t his concern though. Elethu loves Bucky, and he knows what it did to Bucky when Steve went back in time. He knows how Bucky feels about Steve, and now that Steve is young… if they hadn’t broken up before, this would have certainly been the last straw.

“It’s like those soap operas, remember when we were bored as kids?” Pietro says, and Wanda and Sam chuckle.

“Yeah, Days of the Avengers.”

It's quiet for a while, then Wanda’s phone rings.

“Shuri?!” she exclaims, Sam and Pietro leaning closer. “He did?... Oh God… But they are on their way out? Yeah, we’re just dropping the kids off in the nearby village, then we are going to the cave, we'll be there in about twenty minutes, tops… Will do… Okay.” She puts her phone back and looks at them. “Steve got Bucky out… They're almost outside. We just need to pick them up and go back to the palace, the situation is under control.” She smiles widely.

“That’s good. Can this day just be over? I need a cold beer,” Sam utters and Wanda and Pietro nod. So do they.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note
> 
> Just something to share. One of ultimate tv shows, my happy place tv shows is "The A-team" and "Tour of duty" Tour of duty brings happy memories, of me and my brother watching it, my first crush is actually Sergeant Zeke Anderson. He was tough, but gentle and caring and had a I will take no shit attitude. Anyway. When I wrote the guy Bucky was with before Steve, I had to do some in memory of them. I used Sergeant Anderson's surname, the LT's name Myron (He was Lt. Myron Goldman) He came from Detroit as another character Marvin Johnson came from Detroit and he and Zeke had a close bond. The harmonica was featured in the first episode where one of the new soldiers tried to teach Zeke the finer details of playing the harmonica. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looks at Bucky as they shuffle forward. “You said Peggy suspected... did she know for sure?”  
> Bucky grunts at the question. "Steve, can we talk about this later? I'm doing my best to focus on staying in the present while my mind is trying to regress to memories of torture. My arm is off, the other one hurts like a bitch, I can feel the pain killers fading from my system. Really, you want to do this _now_?”

13 Nov 2024

Bucky is tired and in pain - the pain killers worked, but they're not perfect, and his system is metabolising them already. Their progress towards the exit is slow, and they know that the cave can give in at any moment. Or the lava can come rushing back, biting them in their asses... or burning, to be more accurate.

They're both replaying the conversation in their heads. Bucky hasn’t thought about Myron in years... He wonders what happened to him. He should maybe try to find out when they get out? Myron was his first, his first real lover, not just a fondle in a back alley. They met in secret, spent several nights together... he was the one who showed Bucky all the amazing ways two men could pleasure each other - Bucky always thought about sex, but never gave in, he wasn’t about to get caught with his pants down in an alleyway or some secret room in the back of a bar in New York...

Steve is still full of questions. Some were finally answered, especially about Bucky’s family knowing and keeping his secret. Every time he was there for dinner, or helping Bucky to babysit... they'd always known. Then, in the war, Dum Dum, and then...

He looks at Bucky as they shuffle forward. “You said Peggy suspected... did she know for sure?”

Bucky grunts at the question. "Steve, can we talk about this later? I'm doing my best to focus on staying in the present while my mind is trying to regress to memories of torture. My arm is off, the other one hurts like a bitch, I can feel the pain killers fading from my system. Really, you want to do this _now_?”

Steve purses his lips. Coming to a stop, he looks at Bucky, who nearly stumbles before looking at Steve with confusion. They're about the same height now.

"Do you want more painkillers?" Steve asks.

"Maybe in five minutes? This is still okay," Bucky replies, his breathing carefully controlled.

"If you're in pain, take the meds," Steve orders. “There's an extra dose left.”

"Of course I'm in pain, you idiot, but I can handle it!" Bucky answers, trying to move again. Steve stops him, still holding him around the waist.

"Well, you shouldn't have to."

With a snort, Bucky remembers a similar conversation, many years ago. Sarah’s funeral. He was the one saying it to Steve...

He really doesn’t want to deal with this now.

"Just... let’s get out of the fucking cave and I'll take the meds, okay? I really want to get out, a hell of a lot more than what I want meds. They make me woozy." Bucky makes a move for them to start walking again and Steve finally accepts it, tightens his grip on Bucky and they start to shuffle again.

Bucky can feel Steve's burning need for an answer - it won’t be long before he asks again. He might as well start talking, if Steve wants to know... Bucky will tell him. All of it.

"I already told you she knew," Bucky answers softly after a few steps, glancing at Steve carefully from underneath his lashes. “She saw me trying to pick up a guy, called an end to the night and ignored me for two days. She would still give me these looks, you know - pursed lips, immaculate hair, folded arms, narrowed eyes…”

He can feel the tightening in Steve’s posture as they walk. He's so close to Steve... he hasn’t been this close to him in years. It feels nice, safe and warm, but also as if he should push away. He needs to give himself time to come to terms with Steve being young again.

Steve doesn’t look at him when he speaks, "Yeah, but she didn't tell _me_."

Bucky frowns at that. Is he missing something? "Should she have?"

"Yes!" Steve's voice is sudden; loud, angry and hurt.

"Steve-"

"She kept it from me, all these years!"

"What would you have done if you knew?" Bucky asks, instead of commenting on how Steve sounds angry at her, not Bucky. He will admit, just to himself - it's a nice change.

"I don't know! I would have- I would-" Steve doesn't finish. He can't say it.

He would have made sure his daughter didn't marry a man she didn't love.

He would have gone to the Barnes family and beg for forgiveness.

He would have made peace with his feelings sooner.

He would have come back before they were married.

He would have come crawling to Bucky, heart in his hands like an offering, and confessed.

He _doesn't know_.

Oblivious, Bucky glances at Steve, seeing the set square to his jaw, the turmoil in his eyes. He's upset, and Bucky can’t understand why. It wouldn’t have made any difference! Why does it bother Steve so much? It's not as if he's gay, or bi, or whatever. He's Steve. He's straight. Sighing, he tries to keep his legs moving. His whole body is slowly collapsing, exhaustion becoming worse and worse with every passing minute. Not to mention the pain - not just his arm, but his whole torso... He can feel his ribs, his shoulder, his clavicle, and everything hurts. He will need to stop for pain meds, and quite soon, too. His balance is completely off, he keeps bumping or leaning closer to Steve... who doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he keeps pulling Bucky closer.

"Do you think it was jealousy?" Steve asks again after a few minutes.

Bucky stops completely, staring at Steve, his face betraying the incredulity of the situation, the question. "Excuse me? Of fucking _what_?"

"I always put you first. I don't know if you knew that."

Bucky pulls away from Steve. He really doesn't want this conversation here... he doesn't want it at all, if he's to be completely honest.

"No, what? Tell me, _when_ did you _ever_ do that during the war? I know you did after the ice, back in Bucharest, but during the war? You had separate quarters. You walked in, already a Captain, led us Howlies, occasionally drank with us if you weren't needed at the officers tents or officers quarters or wherever... Always _doing_ something, _planning_ something with Peg, with Howard and Phillips. Tell me, besides that factory rescue, when did you ever put us, _me_ , first?" Bucky asks, curious and confused. He isn't trying to be vindictive, he just doesn't get what Steve's trying to say.

Steve stares at him. "You really don't know?"

"No, Steve, I really don't. Come on, besides the missions in the field, we didn't spend that much time together back at base. I never blamed you, I didn't hold it against you, I knew it was inevitable... So I stayed back, did my own thing," Bucky answers, trying desperately to keep still. He knows if he tries to move, he's going to fall over, and he has no way to break his fall or keep his face from bashing right against the rocks.

Steve adjusts his hold automatically, not relenting even for a second. "Inevitable?"

"Yeah! I knew it, the moment we got back after you rescued us. Everyone was clapping, Peg looked at you as if she was going to eat you right there, in front of everyone. I knew the dynamics have changed, you wouldn't need me anymore. You got what you wanted, so I stepped back. The nurse came to get me and I went, did you even notice?" Bucky asks, his head slightly tilted. Steve squares his shoulders and steps even closer into Bucky's space, his eyes fixated on Bucky’s. He's so close, Bucky can feel his breath on his face as he speaks.

"Yes, I did. She asked you where you were hurt and you smiled brightly, putting on the charm and replied, _‘Ah, doll, I'm okay, get to my men first. I will walk with you.’_ Then you went off, taking her to the men who were injured in the attack. Dum Dum followed you, making sure that you were okay, that you'd get checked out too. Right?"

Bucky stares in shock. He always thought Steve didn't see that. Turns out he did... all of it. He nods. "He did. After everyone else, he pushed me to sit through it, too," Bucky adds, breaking the intense eye contact.

Steve doesn’t stop staring right into him. "It should have been me. I'm sorry, I should've done that for you."

"It's long over now, we have other things to worry about," Bucky says and tries to wave his hand, but the moment his arm moves, he grimaces and gasps.

“Want more painkillers?” Steve asks and Bucky shakes his head.

“There’s only one dose, right? Let’s save it for the moment we step out of this cave, we still need to get back to the palace.”

“Wanda and the others are picking us up, the craft will be quick,” Steve argues.

“Yeah, but still. I'd rather not let them see the complete breakdown that's eventually going to happen. I would really like to hide it behind the painkillers.”

“So you would rather suffer with me, than with them?”

“Yup. You’ve seen me crying and screaming as my arm literally melted off, you can take a bit of grimacing and cussing,” Bucky answers without hesitation. He would rather do it in here, he doesn’t want to cause Wanda more worry. Seeing him like this is already going to be a shock... They did this crazy experiment for him, instead of leaving him to die, so they can’t really mind the state he's in, but still.

“Well… I did see you falling over the window sill trying to dance in from the fire escape instead of stepping in like a normal kid, so…” Steve teases back, trying to hide the warm feeling in his chest. Suffering is still bad, but Bucky feels comfortable with Steve, lets Steve see him at his most vulnerable. To Steve, that’s priceless.

Bucky smirks. “Fuck off, the window had it out for me… I was graceful as a gazelle.”

“Sure you were…” Steve replies with a smile and pulls Bucky up again. "Let’s go. We're not far now, I think."

"Hope so. Oh, just so you know, we're going to have another fight about you and science experiments. You did something stupid again, and Shuri helped! I will have words with her too... and I want to know why you're a bit smaller. I mean, did the machine malfunction? Is the serum too weak?”

Steve scowls at that. He should’ve known Bucky would pick up on that. But the worrisome bit is, Bucky's right, he is smaller, he did have that seizure… so what happened? And is it going to happen again? How is he going to explain the fit he had, or that fact that he lost about 10% body mass?

"No, you won't, this is all on me,” Steve replies. “And just so you know, I will gladly stand still and let you scream at me at your earliest convenience. I'll even let you punch me," he jokes. Bucky doesn’t really look at him as they continue to walk.

"You better."

They shuffle ahead for another few minutes. Steve knows he should keep Shuri in the loop, but... not yet. Once they get out. He doesn't want to waste any more time than necessary.

They've made good progress when suddenly they both feel the walls starting to shake. They stop dead in their tracks, turning to each other with matching expressions of terror.

"Come on!" Steve yells and pulls Bucky closer, starting to run as fast as he can drag Bucky along. They only manage about three meters, when a huge rock falls with in front of them. Steve shifts so they're hugging the wall, curling his body protectively around Bucky.

They won't make it, Steve realizes, and lets go of Bucky, pulling him down into a kneeling crouch. He takes off both the gauntlets and pushes them into the wall above Bucky, covering their bodies as debris keeps falling around them. Steve wraps his arms around Bucky, trying to hide him as much as possible. The gauntlets protect them somewhat, but the volcano keeps shaking and the small rocks hit his exposed back painfully. He tries to focus on Bucky's rapid breaths dampening his neck.

Shuri is watching the screen obsessively. There's two blinking dots, both moving, slowly but surely… They're so close, about ten meters and they'll be out. One sharp turn and they're done. The dots would occasionally stop, but Shuri writes that down as them trying to get around rocks in the path… or maybe they stop to drink water, take care of Bucky? The point is, they are _moving_ , they are almost _out_.

She can’t help but wonder - what's going on there? Are they talking? How did Bucky react to seeing Steve, young and strong and beautiful again?

All the fields are up. Everyone is okay, so far there are no casualties, even the neighbouring countries are okay and cooperating. Wanda got Sam and Pietro and they're on their way to the mountain, they'll be there shortly. Everything is going well... which is just when one of the consoles starts to beep, showing high spikes in the seismograph reading.

“Shit…”

Another quake. Her eyes are glued to the screen. It lasts for about thirty seconds, then it stops. Shuri closes her eyes, breathes deeply, opens them again and turns to the other screen. The two dots.

They've stopped moving.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clearing his throat, Bucky decides to break the silence. "Steve, is it permanent?" Steve halts slightly in his digging, chest heaving, sweat running down his neck and back, but he doesn't turn to Bucky. "Steve..." Bucky asks again.  
> "… I don't know," Steve answers quietly, still not looking at Bucky.

13 Nov 2024

Steve waits a full ten seconds after the walls stop shaking before he moves. He listens - as far as he can tell, it's over, the only noises far in the distance. The air feels more humid, denser... meaning there is no fresh air coming through. Shit.

Opening his eyes, he lifts his head to look around. "Buck?" he asks, voice hoarse.

"Still here," comes the muffled reply.

Bucky is curled in Steve's arms, face in the crook of his neck, his arm tucked safely between their stomachs. Steve pulls back further and looks down at Bucky. They both have dust in their hair, all over their bodies really, but their faces are kinda okay - dirty, but not completely covered. Bucky's eyes are filled with pain and worry, his skin pale. Still, Steve realizes, his eyes hold this unwavering trust. Trust that Steve will get them out.

"You okay?" Steve asks, slowly releasing his hold on Bucky.

"Yes, you?" Bucky's voice is tired, soft, but steady.

"I'm good. A few rocks fell on my back, but no major damage. I'm... I'm going to try and move, assess the situation, okay?"Bucky just hums in agreement.

Steve doesn't want to move away - he likes the idea of holding Bucky so close, but that is a consideration for another day. Slowly, he pushes himself back, switches the flashlight on and looks around. They have quite a big space around them, more than he initially thought. They won't be able to stand up straight, but they can kneel up and still have a few centimeters over their heads. Steve looks to the exit and sighs. It's caved in.

Bucky sees the look on Steve's face and turns to see. "Blocked?"

"Yeah... but I can try to dig us out. I just need to be careful, not let the structure become more unstable and collapse on us," Steve responds, touching the rocks, trying to gently push and pull, determining their size and stability.

Bucky looks at the rocks all around them and sighs. "I'd help, but, uh…” he trails off, wincing.

"Don't worry about it, Buck. Are you still okay though? Need water, painkillers?"

"A shower and my bed, preferably... but I'll take both of your offerings," Bucky replies, trying to make light of the situation.

"Sure...” Opening the backpack, Steve pulls out the syringe and a full bottle of water. "Any preference as to which one first?"

"Pain meds, please," Bucky answers straight away. Steve rips the packet open and pulls out the syringe. Bucky holds out his arm - or tries to, Steve needs to grab his elbow and pull it a bit closer. Bucky grimaces, trying to bite back a groan and failing.

"Sorry...." Steve whispers.

"It's... okay... had... worse..." Bucky pants out.

Steve sticks the needle into the shoulder where the previous shots went, emptying it, then puts it away and picks up the water bottle, unscrewing the cap. "Here, let me." He puts his hand behind Bucky's neck, holding him steady as he places the bottle at his mouth, letting the water trickle in.

Bucky swallows nearly half the bottle before he stops. "Thank you," he tries to smile.

"Have more," Steve says, not moving the bottle, but Bucky shakes his head.

"Your turn."

Steve wants to object, but he _is_ thirsty. He does have more bottles - plus, Bucky needs to hydrate to make up for blood loss, but really shouldn't take too much at once. Steve finishes the water, enjoying the way it feels on his parched tongue, then puts it back in the bag.

Bucky waits till he's done before asking, "So what now? Calling for help?"

"Yeah, I should let Shuri know what's going on, ask where Wanda and the rest are."

"Use my beads."

“I have an earpiece,” Steve objects, tapping it.

“Use the beads, let her see you, us… I want to see her too, please,” Bucky finishes quietly, as if he isn’t allowed to ask for it, to show vulnerability.

Steve lets his hand fall back to his lap. “Of course, it would definitely set her at ease.”

“Yeah, right until you tell her we’re both trapped,” Bucky grins. His mood seems to be improving as the meds start to work.

“True. But she knows how far we are, and where the others are. She can send help,” Steve replies as he reaches for Bucky’s arm, unstrapping the beads and holding them up, quickly thumbing the sequence to call the lab.

The small hologram lights up the small space. _"Bucky! Steve!"_ Shuri yells.

Bucky can't keep his emotions in check, his eyes filled with tears. "Shuri," he says, smiling widely. He doesn't care how he looks anymore, she knows what he went through. It's okay.

Shuri starts crying too. _"It's so good to hear from you, and see you."_

"Same, Princess."

_"Are you guys out yet?"_

Bucky looks at Steve, waiting for him to answer.

"Uh... no. We got trapped by the latest quake, but I guess we are close to the exit,” Steve finally says, sitting back so that he and Bucky are next to each other, clearly visible on camera.

“ _Yes, about ten-fifteen meters? You need to go around that one turn, then you’re out.”_ Bucky and Steve share a look, hopeful. _“How trapped? Will you be able to get out?”_ Shuri asks, her voice laden with worry.

“I’m going to try and dig us out now, hopefully it isn’t too bad,” Steve says carefully.

“ _Okay, keep me informed. Wanda is almost at your location. I will tell them, so they can start moving rocks from that side, meet you guys halfway.”_

“That’s great, thanks.” Steve already likes this idea better.

Bucky leans a bit forward and Steve supports him with an arm around his waist. “Princess, tell her not to use her powers, okay? She is so strong, I don’t want her to try and make things fly around in haste, anything could happen. There's not really that much space we've got here.”

“ _I will, don’t worry,”_ Shuri confirms and Bucky smiles at her.

“We gotta go, we've got a tunnel to dig,” Steve adds.

 _"Just please, get out of there in one piece,"_ Shuri begs and both men nod.

"Will do," Steve promises.

"Shuri... Thank you. For not giving up on me," Bucky's voice is soft, his eyes bright as he looks at her with so much emotion.

Shuri wipes her tears. _"This one is on Steve, it was his idea. We just helped."_

Bucky smiles and looks back at Steve with wonder. Steve ends the call, not looking at Bucky, and gets busy with putting the bag to the side and making his way to the rocks.

Bucky keeps staring at him. "Steve-"

"I'm going to start with the smallest rocks first, see if the structure will hold. The gauntlets can stay where they are, protect your head in case I move something I shouldn't," Steve says quickly, trying to change the subject. He knows what he did, and he knows Bucky is figuring it out, the risk of it... He's going to be so very angry, but he's also going to wonder why Steve would do something like that for him. It was beyond radical, a wordless declaration of complete devotion. Steve isn't ready for that conversation just yet.

Bucky sits back against the wall, watching Steve work, deep in thought.

Shuri bursts out crying the moment the call ends. Bucky looks bad, his face is so pale, even in that semi-darkness. His eyes are surrounded by dark circles - he's ill, he's badly injured, and it's not just his arm. There's internal damage, she knows it. It's a race against time now.

Wiping her eyes, she sits up. There's work to be done. First she needs to call Wanda, tell them to hurry up. Second, she needs two hospital beds, both of those men are going to require medical attention. She also needs to get everything ready for Bucky, he's likely going to be rushed straight into surgery...

Okay, Wanda first.

The kids have been dropped off and the craft occupants are more and more tense. Wanda’s phone rings just as they stop at the foot of the path, right where they dropped Steve off. Pietro, Wanda and Sam get off and Sam is confirming their return plans with Onyeka as Wanda picks up.

“Shuri? We are here, on our way to the entrance… How far are they?... What! Oh God… Can’t I just…? Shit… Yes… Okay… Sure, okay, thanks.”

Wanda hardly ends the call when the two men step closer.

“What's happened now?” Sam asks.

“There was another small quake, they're trapped about ten meters from the entrance. Steve is going to dig from that side, we must dig from here.”

“Can’t you use your, you know, magic?” Sam asks, looking worried.

“No, we don’t know how stable the mountain is, if I start, I may end up lifting the whole mountainside, and with the lava flowing…”

“The risk is too high. Okay, let’s go. Onyeka, you too, we need all the hands we can get,” Sam orders and starts to run to up the path. The rest follow behind, eager to get started.

Bucky watches Steve work, trying to focus on staying in the present.

Steve started with the smaller rocks first, putting them on the other side of the small space, behind them. The heap is slowly growing, and he moves carefully to build a steady structure that won't collapse on them. Bucky wishes he could help him... He just has his legs, and even they started hurting a while back. His back is sore, with cuts in places that hit the rocks. With every movement he can feel the wounds tearing a bit more open. They're not the sort of thing that he'd usually be worried about, likely to heal quite fast... but he is dehydrated, low on energy and fuel, and yes, the meds Shuri sent are helping a lot, but it's not nearly enough. His body is struggling to repair much bigger wounds.

His left side definitely has some internal damage from his arm literally melting while still attached - the metal at his shoulder and the reinforcements inside his body grew hot too. It will be a long while before it's all healed, even longer before he can start thinking about getting a new arm on, even if there are spares ready in Shuri's lab. His body needs to stitch itself together first. Then there's the right arm, which will need to be operated on to reset the bone. That will take at least a week or two to be even partially functional. Which means for the next two weeks he's going to be utterly useless. He will need to be fed, bathed...

Oh God, that's enough to give him another panic attack. Shaking his head, he focuses on Steve's body instead.

He is young again, in his early thirties... as if he never grew old, as if he never went back in time, never lived a life… Fuck, what are his children going to say? How will he face his grandchildren? Bucky has no idea, and really doesn't even want to think about that.

For some reason Steve is a few inches shorter, his body a little smaller... so either the serum, or whatever they used, wasn't strong enough, or... or what? That's the other thing, his clothes look a bit big... They probably just used what they had in the lab, right? After all, this was a quick decision, a spur of the moment thing... Another question though, what will the long term effects be?

Clearing his throat, he decides to break the silence. "Steve, is it permanent?" Steve halts slightly in his digging, chest heaving, sweat running down his neck and back, but he doesn't turn to Bucky. "Steve..." Bucky asks again.

"… I don't know," Steve answers quietly, still not looking at Bucky.

Bucky narrows his eyes. _He doesn't know?_ What kind of an answer is that?

"What do you mean, you don’t know? Didn’t Shuri tell you? Didn’t you at least run some algorithms or stats or whatever?" Bucky asks, frowning.

"I don't know! It wasn't like the first time, back with Erskine," Steve answers, going back to moving the rocks, avoiding Bucky's eyes. That is telling in itself.

"Steve. What exactly did you do? And how much preparation went into it?"

"Well, uhm... Hey, does it look better from your side, are we making progress?"

"Progress to kicking your ass if you keep deflecting, yes, that's excellent progress. The cave-in... not looking too good, just like your answer," Bucky challenges and gives Steve's thigh a slight kick.

Steve stops working and sits back, finally focusing on Bucky. His face is red and sweaty, he's breathing deeply, and he just looks at Bucky for a while, then reaches into the bag and takes out another bottle of water. He opens it and drinks half of it in one go. Leaning over, he holds the bottle for Bucky to drink as well. Bucky finishes it in a few sips.

“Thanks. Now, spill,” Bucky orders.

Steve puts the empty bottle back in the bag before he sits back opposite Bucky, their legs tangled together. “Do you remember that cell repair complex stuff that I would get before my treatments?”

“Yeah?”

“I remembered Shuri said her bed worked similar to the actual time machine, so I logged on to SHIELD site, downloaded the algorithms we used to go back, Shuri loaded it in and then I asked for the entire stash of the serum stuff, we increased the time to fifteen minutes and here I am!” Steve says, all in one breath as if saying it quicker will make it any better.

Bucky stares at Steve with fury. “What the _fuck_?! Steve, why would you do this?! Become a lab rat again?!”

“I had to,” Steve answers, sure of his answer.

“Fuck _‘had to’,_ why would you do something so reckless!?”

“You were _dying_. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”

“It wasn’t _up to you_! I didn’t want anybody else to get hurt! I wasn’t going to be responsible for someone else’s death!” Bucky seethes. He tries to fist his hand in anger and hisses when it aggravates his wounds.

“Well, I wasn’t going to sit back and let that happen! I made a choice and I don’t regret it! I wasn’t going to sit back and watch you die, not while I was still able to do something!” Steve's voice goes from angry to begging.

Bucky looks away, he's so frustrated and angry he can't even look at Steve. "So... you decided to, what, risk your life on the off chance that you'd be able to save mine?"

"Yes!" Steve answers, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Bucky can’t believe it. He wants to cry. He wants to punch something.

"Steve, why? You have a _family_ , have you got any idea what you’re going to _tell_ them? What if you hadn't succeeded? What if this had killed you? Why would you throw your life away like that?" Bucky asks, his voice hoarse, tears threatening to fall.

"Buck-" Steve tries, but Bucky goes on, one tear falling down his cheek, making a clear little track in the caked-on dirt as it goes down.

"The one thing... the _only_ thing I ever wanted, was for you to be happy. To live the life you deserved. And you got it, you got what most of us can only dream of. Why would you _risk_ that?"

Steve swallows and looks away, then seems to steel himself to look back into Bucky's eyes. His face is raw and open, determined. "I did. You're right, I got it, I got the dream, I got the life, but... I- I didn't get _you_."

Bucky feels as if someone hit him in the head with a sledgehammer.

"Wait... _what_?"


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve shuffles so he's kneeling by Bucky's side, his hand reaches out and grabs Bucky’s shirt. His eyes are glazed with tears and suddenly Bucky is scared, because Steve - Steve isn’t cool and collected like usually was on a mission. He isn't in control of the situation anymore. He's frantic.  
> "Not. Without. You. Never again, Buck... I did it once and it nearly broke me."

13 Nov 2024

"I did. You're right, I got it, I got the dream, I got the life, but... I- I didn't get _you_."

"Wait... _what_?" Bucky says, bewildered.

With a sigh, Steve turns around and goes to remove more stones. He's already said too much.

Bucky's having none of it. “What do you mean?” he repeats.

“Bucky, you’re the one who said _‘not now!’_ so can I dig us out first? I don’t know if you noticed, but the air is getting quite thin in here.”

“I meant you asking about the past knew not... this! _‘Not having_ me _’,_ what did you _mean_ by that?” Bucky asks again, his complete focus on Steve. For a moment, he forgets all about the pain and the blood loss.

Steve takes a breath and heaves a big rock, putting it behind them. “I wonder if Sam and the others are here yet.”

Bucky kicks Steve’s leg again. “Don’t change the fucking subject!”

Steve spins around, his eyes blazing in the dark, focused on Bucky. “You _weren’t there_ , okay?!" He takes a breath and looks away, then back at Bucky. "Even JJ mentioned the other day, how he wished that he grew up with you there. How they never had uncles, or cousins. How he wished that he had a chance to get to know you. And... and a part of me feels guilty because it feels like I took something away from them. Bucky, the fact is I missed you, every fucking day, okay?! I would draw you so many times. We didn’t have pictures or videos, except that small handful, not like today with the phones and the selfies. I tried to remember you in any way I could. But drawings didn’t echo the sound of your laugh, or the whir of your arm, and certainly not your stubbornness, you fucking jerk!”

The quiet that follows the outburst is somehow even heavier than before. Bucky keeps staring at Steve, assessing him, trying to figure out what he means. “Steve-”

“Let’s get out of here, okay?”

“If you missed me so much, why did you _leave_?” Bucky asks softly.

“I didn’t know I was going to! I didn’t know what I- that I- just-” Steve tries, but he's interrupted by the beads indicating a new call. Steve holds the beads out to Bucky, trying to get his composure back, so Bucky has no choice but to turn his attention to Shuri.

“Princess?”

“ _Hey, so, an update… Wanda and the others are at the cave, they say the cave-in is quite severe but they will get you guys out. It's just going to take some time.”_

Bucky looks at Steve, who looks away, avoiding both Bucky and the camera. “Thank you. We will keep trying from this side,” Bucky finally says.

“ _Great. You guys okay?”_

“Yeah, just tired,” he tries to smile.

“ _Almost there, Brother, just hang in there. You're so close. We've got everything ready for you once you get out.”_

“Will do. Thanks, Shuri,” Bucky answers and she gives him one last grin before the call ends.

Steve pulls another rock and gasps, excited, “Hey, there’s some space here! Looks like a small pocket, so maybe it isn’t the whole way out, but maybe... Hand me- uh, sorry,” Steve blushes furiously and picks up the flashlight, shining it into the space he just created.

Bucky can tell by the tension ratcheting in Steve's shoulders the news isn’t good. “What is it?”

Steve sits back, putting the flashlight back carefully. “It’s a small fissure, only big enough for one.”

Bucky suddenly realizes this is it. This is the opening they've been waiting for. Pity he's too far gone to take it, but... “So you go! Go through, take the flashlight, keep digging, get to the others and then come and get me.”

“No.”

“Listen-”

" _No_ , I promised them I will get you out! So, a) I’m not leaving you here in the dark, and b) if I continue, it may cause another cave in, so we both go through, together, or we both stay here, together.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Steven Grant Rogers, you fucking punk, I am useless, helpless, I can’t crawl through, I can’t use my arms! You go, take the chance-” Steve vehemently shakes his head. "You _can_ get out. This space is going to collapse, but you are strong again, you can get an opening and get out, you idiot! Dig us both out!"

"No, I won't. I'm not risking you."

"Steve, go, _please_ go, _please,_ come on, I'm half dead here anyway... You can still get out, you're young again-"

"Are you crazy?! No!" Steve answers, eyes wide, terrified. He's been avoiding looking at Bucky for quite some time now, but now he moves the flashlight to illuminate Bucky better and freezes. There's a pool of fresh blood gathered under his right arm, and Bucky looks so, so pale. How did he _miss_ this?! “Oh my god, Bucky-”

"Even if this isn't permanent, you can still live a few years with your family, come on! Sarah needs you, JJ needs you, Sam-Anthony needs you, the grandkids... Wanda and Sam..." Bucky tries, hoping the kids would be enough to get Steve to move, but from the look in Steve’s eyes, it isn’t. Steve doesn't even seem to be paying attention to Bucky's words, looking Bucky over with obvious panic, cataloguing his injuries.

"What? No..." Steve says quietly.

"Don't be a stubborn ass! Just go, _please_ go. Just get out of here!" Bucky starts begging. He can feel the blood loss getting to him, his voice becoming weaker.

"No!" Steve says immediately. His hands are shaking where they hover over Bucky's body, as if unsure if his touch is going to be welcome, or helpful.

"Steve!" Bucky yells.

"No, not without you!" Steve screams back in the small space, keeping his terrified eyes locked on Bucky.

The silence is loaded, charged with electricity as they stare at each other. Steve knows he is finally going to have to come clean. He shifts to face Bucky, who's staring at him with those huge eyes, that slight tilt of his head.

"Steve?" Bucky asks softly.

Steve shuffles so he's kneeling by Bucky's side, his hand reaches out and grabs Bucky’s shirt. His eyes are glazed with tears and suddenly Bucky is scared, because Steve - Steve isn’t cool and collected like usually was on a mission. He isn't in control of the situation anymore. He's frantic.

"Not. Without. You. Never again, Buck... I did it once and it nearly broke me. You all think it was just happy and good times, living that white picket fence, but it was hard, _so_ hard. I didn't fit in. I had to change my name. Nobody knew about Hydra, about Chitauri and Thanos, about Avengers, about- about you... I had to keep all of those a secret and _nobody could know_.

“I went to see your family, and they were happy to see me, but I wasn't _you_. When I told them I was getting married, that I wanted them to be there, they pushed me away. They knew how you felt, and thought I did too, that I was tarnishing your memory and they were right... Becks treated me like a stranger after that. She didn't answer my calls or letters, they sent the wedding invitation back, unopened. Every time I wanted to see them, they had an excuse. They could see I was different, that something changed... I- I was lost, I ran away, the Ancient One found me and she asked me who I would leave behind this time, and I knew, I left behind-" Steve's speeding up, trying to get it all out before he loses his nerve.

"Steve, stop," Bucky interrupts. Steve looks up at him. "Slow down, please, I'm trying here, but the pain... slow down. Start again. What do you mean by that? They loved you like a son, why would they do that?"

"They were hurt. They missed you, and I- I didn't see. I went to ease my pain, but forgot about theirs." Steve looks down at his hands, tangled in Bucky's shirt, so he doesn't have to see judgement he's sure he's going to find in Bucky's eyes. He should have done more, but he didn't. He can’t face Bucky, now that he's finally opening up, admitting his life wasn’t always happy. He feels so guilty, so ashamed.

"You said, the Ancient One...?" Bucky prods gently.

"She found me wandering the streets. I broke down, for the first time in months I allowed myself to feel, to feel _everything_. I laid on her floor, crying like a baby, I told her I _can_ go back, I _want to_ go back. She asked me who I was going to leave behind _this_ time, and I couldn't do it, I couldn't. I kept losing people, and I was tired, so tired, so empty…"

Bucky doesn't know how to answer that, or if he even should. He can't offer comfort. He can’t say it's okay.

"Stevie... they didn't blame you for anything, they hated the war as much as I did. I spent so many nights with them, sitting in the living room, helping Ma to brush the girls' hair while she fixed their clothes, put on buttons or knitted something new... We talked, once the war was on the horizon. I knew, _they_ knew that I didn't want to go, that I hated the idea. That I even considered going AWOL and running to the country and trying to hide. We all listened to the radio as they broadcast how many died that day and we all knew it might be me very soon, that it would be naive to think otherwise. They understood, it's fifty fifty, a coin toss. They didn't blame you. They were just hurt."

Steve shakes his head, looking down. Bucky wants to touch him, to hold him so badly, but the best he can do is try and make himself go soft and loose as Steve is apparently trying to curl into him like he used to when he was 90 pounds soaking wet. His head is nearly resting on Bucky’s lap, tears falling on his dirty trousers. Steve needs to let this all out - he never did before, and maybe after this they can both finally start to heal.

Bucky looks down at Steve, aching to run a hand through his hair, and asks, "What do you mean by having a hard time? You’ve adapted quickly, didn't you?"

Steve shakes his head. "I struggled so much... I pretended to be fine, but alone... I saw you everywhere. I heard Sam's sarcasm everywhere. I heard Tony complaining about the lack of tech. I saw Natasha in every redhead... but the hardest part was always _you_. I would walk by an alley and remember how you saved my ass in it. I would see a girl you once dated, now married with children, and remember you taking her dancing, me tagging along. I would walk by the docks and try to see you among the men and then suddenly realize... I once ran into a boy, he asked about you, I told him that you- he looked away, he was so sad, I didn't understand... but then again, you were always so kind to everyone."

Bucky blinks at that, his eyes wide. Could it be?

"What was his name, Steve?"

"Uhm, Nicholas, I think? Nicholas Rowland?"

Oh wow, another one.

"Steve, Nicholas was- well- he and I-"

Steve's head snaps up. "The boy you talked about, at the docks?"

"Yeah, we, uhm..."

"Oh." Steve very carefully doesn't look at Bucky.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should have, but I was scared," Bucky says quietly, after a moment.

"Of what?" Steve's eyes snap to Bucky's face.

"Of you being disgusted with me? I was scared I'd lose you. I couldn't, I couldn't risk it. Apart from my family you were it for me, Stevie... You were the most amazing person I ever met and I knew I couldn't lose you. I already loved you by then... I couldn't take it if you looked at me with hatred, or disgust."

Steve fists clench the shirt tighter as his eyes fill with tears again. "Never..." Steve whispers between breaths, hiding his face in Bucky's lap.

"Stevie..."

"I..." Steve's voice cracks as he lets out a sob. Bucky wants so badly to cry with him. They've come so far and in the end, they always circle back to each other. Bucky looks at Steve and feels his heart doing a double take. He looks so raw, so intense. He's staring at Bucky as if he's seeing him for the first time. He's looking at him like...

Like Bucky used to look at _him_.

Steve shakes a little and then he's crying openly, his shoulders heaving, head resting on Bucky's lap as he sobs. "I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry!"

"Steve-"

"I didn't think... I was so confused and hurt! I didn't mean to leave you b-behind! I didn't mean... for it to- to fall apart! I didn't know... how you felt... I'm so-sorry for hurting you! I never-"

"Shhhh, sshhh, Stevie, it's okay..." Bucky tries, tears streaming down his face too.

Steve doesn't relent his hold. "I know, you don't w-want... my sorry, but I- I am! I couldn't leave you again now! I did the _stupidest_ thing... Cause... I fucking can’t live in- in a world without... without you. Not again, please, please, don't let me live w-without you again, _please_..." Steve's words are barely recognizable through his sobs.

"Stevie, it doesn't _matter_ anymore, whether you knew or not... You still would have gone back-"

"I wouldn't," Steve interrupts without hesitation. Bucky jolts.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

Steve lifts his head, staring at Bucky defiantly. "I don't regret my children, but if I knew? I would have stayed with you."

"Steve... Steve, I'm not Peggy."

"No. You are _Bucky_."

"Exactly. Your brainwashed, messed up best friend!" Bucky says, bewildered.

"Still my-" Steve stops and looks away.

"Still your what, Steve...?" Bucky asks softly.

Steve slowly gets up to face Bucky and lets go of Bucky's shirt, putting his hands on Bucky's cheeks and holding him close. Bucky leans into the touch, his eyes not leaving Steve's. It's like there's a live wire connecting them. The mountain might erupt right this second and they probably wouldn't've noticed.

"I told Wanda that I would save you, that either we both leave this cave, or neither of us do. Bucky... Peggy may have known how you felt, and Dum Dum, and your folks, and even my Ma... and I didn't. Then. And now... it’s the other way round, Buck… Now, Sam knows, Wanda and Shuri do, Natasha knew, Tony suspected... _everyone_ knows, but you don’t..."

"Know what?" Bucky's voice trembles as he stares into Steve's eyes, looking for an answer.

"Buck... I love you too..." Steve answers not breaking eye contact. Bucky's whole body freezes as he stares at Steve, completely thrown.

It feels like hours before he gets his senses back. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but what comes out is, "Uh... what?"

"I love you too. I'm in love with you. Have been, for years, decades. Always. I just didn't see it, I thought it was just the close bond we had, feeling overprotective because of Hydra... so many other excuses..." Steve replies, holding Bucky's face, caressing his skin softly. Bucky doesn't seem to mind. Bucky's eyes are searching for something in Steve's, and Steve looks right back, making sure he isn't hiding anything. Whatever Bucky needs to see, he will find.

"You _love_ me?" Bucky asks finally, disbelieving.

"Yes," Steve answers with conviction.

"… Is this a hallucination?"

Steve blinks, shocked. "No! What?"

"Sounds like it," Bucky murmurs to himself.

"It's not, I promise." Steve uses his thumbs to slowly stroke his cheeks, wiping against the corners of his mouth. Bucky licks his lips, and Steve's eyes drop down then back up again to make sure. He leans closer into Bucky's space, telegraphing his intentions, but Bucky doesn't move away. His breathing is shallow, but so is Steve's, their hearts beating rapidly.

Bucky swallows as Steve's face comes closer, and when Steve's lips finally touch his, his whole body relaxes. His lips move against Steve's as if they've been doing it for years. Steve deepens the kiss, holding Bucky carefully, making sure Bucky can pull away if he wants to - but he doesn't, he pushes in just as much as Steve does. His tongue gently touches Steve's lower lip and Steve gasps at the sensation. They kiss softly, slowly, until they no longer have breath in their lungs; finally pulling away slightly, still close enough to breathe the same air.

Bucky opens his eyes and finds himself looking at Steve, gloriously flushed and panting. Steve, who leans in for another kiss, and Bucky pushes himself forward, meeting him halfway. They both moan as the kiss grows deeper.

When they break apart, Steve gives Bucky a shy smile, which makes Bucky smirk.

Steve opens his mouth to say something, when suddenly his eyes widen and his hands start to shake. His eyes fill with fear. He stares at his hands and pulls them away from Bucky as if burnt.

"Steve?" Bucky asks as Steve pushes away, as far as possible from Bucky in the cramped space.

“B-bu-” Steve’e eyes widen in fear and Bucky leans in, trying to get closer, to hear, to help, to do _anything_.

"Steve? What's going on?" Bucky asks, but Steve can't answer as his whole body starts to shake violently. Steve tries to clutch at the wall, but his muscles contract and he screams, the sound echoing around them. Convulsions rip through him, making him fall to the ground in a fetal position.

"Stevie!" Bucky yells, but nothing happens. He's powerless to watch as Steve's whole body shakes, and then... Steve starts shrinking. His face becomes smaller, cheekbones suddenly more pronounced; his shoulder more narrow, his legs thinner. The trousers slip down his waist to his hips as he thrashes around. His mouth falls open, and the screaming stops, instead becoming a desperate sucking for air.

Bucky watches helplessly as Steve’s leg kicks out against the pile of rubble he moved, and the walls start to shake. Steve’s seizure is going to cause another cave-in, so Bucky does the only thing he can. He throws his body on top of Steve's as the rocks fall on top of them.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We are doing this my way. Stand back,” Wanda says.  
> Sam can see in her eyes she's already made her decision here. As the Captain, he could technically overrule her, but... he doesn't really want to. There's no chance of saving Steve and Bucky without taking this risk. “Go for it,” he finally says.

13 Nov 2024

Steve wakes up feeling a heavy weight pinning him down. He struggles to move, then gives up, realizing how weak he is. What just happened?

“Bucky…?” his voice is hoarse, scratchy and dry. He is scared, he has to admit it now. He can feel the difference in his body... he is smaller, _again_. Meaning, the change was definitely not permanent.

It's not completely dark, the flashlight next to them miraculously still working. The air is hazy, dust motes swimming in the weak light. Steve tries to orient himself, assess the situation, but he can't see a damn thing.

“Bucky, please… answer me,” Steve gasps again, trying to move. He can’t. He lifts his arms, trying to figure out what's pinning him and his hands come in contact with something soft. Feeling up and around it, he can feel the clammy skin, the dirty fabric.

“Bucky?” Steve groans, brushing up Bucky's body, from the hips up to the chest. His hand stops at the shoulder, the arm missing, then moves so it rests at the junction of shoulder and neck.

“Please, god… please, let there be a pulse… _please_ …” Steve whispers, his eyes filling with tears again, his heart beating its way out of his chest. He holds his breath as his fingertips finally rest against Bucky's neck.

Du-dum. Du-dum. Du-dum.

“Oh god... _thank you,_ ” Steve prays his gratitude as he feels it, weak, but there.

It's _there_.

His hand reaches up and over to the back of his head. It's sticky, wet. “Buck?”

Bucky doesn’t move, doesn’t make a sound. Steve pulls his hand away to examine it in the feeble light. It's dark with blood.

With fear running through his veins, he carefully skims his fingers over Bucky’s head. There's a big lump on one side, close to his temple. One of the falling rocks must have hit him, when... when he threw his body on top of Steve’s to protect him.

“Oh god, Buck… I’m so sorry…” Steve whispers into the small space and shifts his body as much as he can to get on his side, try to get Bucky off of him as gently as possible. Bucky's heavy and Steve struggles to breathe, the air so dry and thin he can feel his chest constricting, his lungs struggling for every breath.

He freezes, his eyes wide. He shrank more. It also means… his old illnesses could be back, at least some of them. He can already feel his nose itching with a sneeze, and the chest pain… it’s like an asthma attack waiting to happen. As he shifts, he can also feel his lower back is painful and stiff. So, his spine got busy realigning itself into its original crooked position, apparently.

Forcing his breathing under control, he continues to shift so he's finally on his side, Bucky gathered close against him, his head tucked under Steve’s chin. Steve intertwines their legs, Bucky’s arm cradled between their stomachs, the brace still holding.

Steve doesn’t even know where the backpack is, in the small space. There are rocks everywhere, he can feel them digging into his back and the arms he wound around Bucky. The little bit he managed to move is useless, they're completely stuck. He wouldn’t be able to dig even if he has the strength to.

He nuzzles at the top of Bucky’s head. “I’m sorry... I failed you… again…” He doesn’t wipe the tears, doesn't see the point, as he touches the earpiece that's still in his ear. His last hope is Shuri, telling Sam and Wanda to get them out, hopefully quickly enough. They may be enhanced, but there is nothing they can do if they don’t have oxygen, which seems to be almost up.

Or it's just his lungs not working as they should, which is quite possible.

Pressing the earpiece, he tries to take a deep breath, but doesn't really succeed. “... Shuri?”

“ _Steve, what’s going on?!”_

Steve isn’t going to ask how she knew something was wrong. Maybe his voice? Doesn't really matter.

“Have… to send… Wanda… we got... trapped… I can’t... dig us out… Bucky... got hurt again…” he manages to wheeze out.

“ _What do you mean?! Trapped?!” Shuri sounds frantic._

“I had... a seizure?… my body… something’s wrong… the con-convulsions? I kicked… rocks… Bucky tried to... protect me... his head… bleeding…”

The earpiece is silent. _“Shit. Okay, calm down. Steve, can you breathe? Are you injured?”_

“I’m sorry… I tried… I failed... again… I keep... failing him…” Steve doesn't really know what he's saying anymore, he just knows Shuri _knows_ now. She's going to help. She has to.

“ _No! No, you don’t. You did real good, okay? This isn’t on you. You are so close, hang on, okay? We will sort you out, we will get Bucky help. They will get you out, just hang on, please, just a little longer,”_ Shuri replies, frenzied. He can tell she's trying to keep it together, but her panic bleeds through her voice.

“Okay… we’ll... be here…” he whispers and pulls the earpiece out. He can hear her voice but doesn’t care, lets it fall on the ground as he puts his hand on Bucky’s lower back, pulling him closer.

“I got you…” He curls himself over Bucky to protect him in case the rocks fall again. Bucky doesn’t move. He doesn’t wake up. Steve rests his head on Bucky’s head. “I finally... come clean... I finally... apologize... I finally... kiss you… and then ruin it... again… I’m sorry, Buck. I am so... sorry… for... everything...” Steve whispers, tears streaming down his face, trying to hold Bucky as tight as possible. The air is running out, he can feel it - or more accurately, his lungs are telling him by constricting more and more. Steve forces himself to breathe slower, shallower. He has no idea how long they have, but he will make sure Bucky is as comfortable as possible while they wait.

  
  


Sam, Pietro, Wanda and Onyeka stand in front of the cave entrance, or what used to be one.

“Okay, so, this is not good,” Sam comments as he prods at the absolute mess of rubble in front of him. They can't even see where the opening was, the rockslide that came from somewhere up the mountain obscuring it completely.

“Блять,” Pietro agrees. [Blyat’]

Wanda stares, her heart sinking into her stomach. She steps closer. “How are we going to get them out of this, if I can’t use my powers?!” she asks, a little shrill, pointing to the rubble. Pietro comes closer to her, grabbing her hand, while Onyeka just looks at the boulders in shock.

Sam cracks his neck. “I don’t know, but the sooner we get started...” he offers, walking closer and looking at Wanda. “I get we said no powers, but do you think you can try to get these smaller pieces lying around? The ones not connected to the massive lava-spewing assshit of a mountain?” Sam asks. Pietro smirks, knowing the answer.

“You sure?” Wanda asks, her hands already in the air, red swirls coiling around her fingers. She looks confident, much calmer now that she knows she _can_ do something.

“Yeah… we can definitely use all the help we can get,” Sam nods decisively.

“Okay,” Wanda replies with a slight grin and starts moving her hands just as her phone starts to ring. She quickly takes it out of her pocket and answers. “Shuri, we are… What?!… Okay… No, don’t worry, we will get them out… Okay, bye.” Hanging up, she lifts her arms. “Guys... stand back.”

Pietro immediately steps back till he's safely behind her, Onyeka joining him.

Sam stays by Wanda's side. “What happened?”

“Something went wrong with Steve’s procedure, he had a seizure. They're trapped and running out of air and definitely need medical attention, both of them. We are doing this my way. Stand back.”

Sam can see in her eyes she's already made her decision here. As the Captain, he could technically overrule her, but... he doesn't really want to. There's no chance of saving Steve and Bucky without taking this risk. “Go for it,” he finally says.

Wanda stares up at the mountain, then steps closer to the rockslide and starts waving her hands in complicated patterns. They watch as the rocks on top slowly start to lift up and sideways, creating a path. The rocks move in the air as she walks forward gracefully, parting for her like the Red Sea. It's completely controlled, the rest of the mountain staying still. The rocks deposit themselves neatly on their sides, creating a stable wall.

Sam and Pietro follow behind her, complete trust in her, in her abilities. The entrance opens up, Wanda creating some sort of hole, a cavern... like someone taking a bite out of sandwich. A chip out of the mountain.

Sam keeps his eyes trained on the ground, waiting to see... He squints and leans closer. “Wanda, keep it all stable, I see them. Me and Pietro will go.”

Wanda nods and turns to the spot Sam is staring at. She can hardly make them out, their clothes filthy, their hair caked with ash. The backpack is on the ground, the flashlight still, somehow, working.

Wanda’s eyes fill with tears even as her hands still in the air. “Are… are they…?” she whispers.

Sam and Pietro step closer, crouching down. Sam bites his lips at the sight before them. Steve’s eyes are closed, his face pale, lips slightly blue. He's holding Bucky so close it looks like two lovers embracing, just sleeping peacefully. Their legs are intertwined, Steve obviously trying to get as close to Bucky as possible, using his own body to cover him, protect him. Bucky is cradled in his arms, a cast secure between their stomachs, the left shoulder ending in a stump. His face is pale, with dried blood all over the right side of his face. They're both unconscious.

Steve... Steve looks awful. Thin, gaunt face with tear tracks running through the dirt on his cheeks, lanky limbs wrapped around Bucky... What happened? Sam thought he knew what to expect when he found out about Steve’s transformation, but he can see... something went wrong, horribly wrong.

They pull them apart, Sam carefully securing Bucky while Pietro on the other side grabs Steve. Sam sighs in relief, seeing them breathe.

“They’re alive, but need medical attention as quickly as possible, they're really badly off. Onyeka, go to the craft, get it ready for them, they need to be transported lying down.” The man salutes and sprints away, visibly relieved to finally be of use. “Pietro, can you carry Steve? I will take Bucky.”

“Yes,” Pietro nods and lifts Steve up in a bridal carry.

Wanda finally gets a good look. “He is smaller, much smaller,” she says as Pietro passes her with Steve in his arms.

Sam picks Bucky up, with much more difficulty, and starts to walk back toward the path. Together they walk down, Wanda bringing up the rear, slowly putting all the stones back on the ground. Sam turns to her once she's done.

“Go ahead, call Shuri. Tell her we got them, but we need two medical teams straight away. Barnes is bad, the arm, the head, he needs a trauma team, and Steve... God, I don’t even know. I don't know what happened, but there is something wrong with his lungs, I don't like how rapid his pulse is, I don’t know what's going on. We need to get them back. Now.” Wanda nods and runs down, and Sam looks down at Bucky. “You better be okay, you hear? I will rip your new metal arm off and beat you with it… Or, worse yet, I'll take away all your cinnamon thingies, you wouldn't like that, would you,” Sam threatens, his voice thick.

He looks at Steve every few steps. The difference is so stark against what he knows, what he remembers. What's happened? Wanda said he was back to his super-soldier perfection. Now... he looks closer to the pictures in the museum, before the serum, but that's not exactly right, either. He's somewhere in between. “Steve, what the hell did you _do_?” Sam mutters.

As they reach the craft, Onyeka helps to get the two men in, laying them down side by side, just as Wanda finishes her call. Sam's quite sure Onyeka breaks some kind of speed limits, going as fast the craft would allow back to the palace. Sam kneels between the two men, using the on-site medkit to do what he could to help. He places an IV in Bucky’s neck, filled with saline, and he takes Steve’s vitals, relaying them all to the medical team waiting for them. Wanda holds Bucky’s hand, occasionally stroking across his face and hair. Her hands are sticky with dried blood and ash, but she doesn’t care. She's crying, Pietro next to her, his arm around her, giving comfort.

Sam does all he can with his limited supplies and sits back. He's tired, hungry, thirsty and exhausted, and he needs a shower, bad... He keeps staring at Steve’s features. The shirt and trousers are too big, but they probably fit perfectly when Steve went to rescue Bucky, just a few hours ago. He hopes whatever's wrong, Shuri can save him. He did this stupid and reckless thing, all for the chance of saving Bucky.

If Shuri can save Steve, and he looks like this, is young again, what's going to happen? What is he going to tell his kids, his grandkids? JJ’s oldest just turned, what, 30? And now Steve looks like this? Shit, this is messed up.

He wonders what he would do if his dad had done something like this. For a friend. But... Bucky isn’t just some friend, is he? Sam saw the way JJ looked at Steve a couple of weeks ago, when they found out Steve was coming to this wedding. Steve's excitement about seeing Bucky again, that gleam Steve got in his eye every time he talked about him. Steve didn’t raise idiots, and this latest stunt…

And Bucky… he just got a fresh serving of ‘what the actual fuck’ to deal with. His first and only love, who left to live a life without him and came back an old man, a grandpa... is young again. Steve had lived a life, without Bucky, and now? He suddenly is a young man again, and if Shuri can help him, has another lifetime ahead of him. That won't be easy on Bucky. And then there's that arm. He knows it's gruesome, from the blood loss that can clearly be seen - there's blood all over his clothes, the shirt and the right leg soaked through. Bucky is going to be okay, he has to be, but he will need help. No arms, a head wound that may or may not have repercussions. Head wounds are tricky, and considering the brain damage history Bucky has…

“Shit!” Sam groans, running his hands over his face.

This is all kinds of fucked up.

  
  


They reach the hospital in record time, two teams already waiting outside with two stretchers. Shuri's standing in the middle of it, her hands clutched together.

The craft comes to a stop and the nurses run forward. Wanda uses her power to lift both men up and places them on the beds. Shuri just watches, her eyes filling with tears at the state they're in.

“Shuri!” Wanda rushes to her and envelops her in a bone-crushing hug. They quickly disentangle and follow the stretchers as they're taken inside.

“Steve’s lost almost half of his body mass. Whatever it is, it's messing with the cell complex,” Wanda says and Shuri’s eyes widen at that. She runs towards the trauma unit. Just before she pushes through, she looks back at Wanda. “I need to take care of him, but _please,_ keep me informed about Bucky!”

Wanda nods and stands next to Sam and Pietro. “What now?” she asks softly.

Sam puts his arm around her. “Now… We wait and see where we can help. We need to keep busy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanda moving the rocks...
> 
>   
> Aaaaand the volcano sequence is done! From now on, the updates will come twice a week: Wednesdays and Saturdays. Only 10 chapters left! 😁


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bucky?”  
> Someone is calling him, but he can’t focus on it. He still needs to assess the situation. He needs to know it's safe.

18 Nov 2024

The first thing Bucky is aware of is someone holding his hand. A distant pressure, as if he's feeling it through a blanket. It feels safe, warm and steady, like a beacon helping him back to consciousness. He focuses on that for a moment before taking stock of the rest of his body.

He's comfortable, cool and relaxed. He's in... a bed?

His legs are fine, a bit stiff from laying in one position for some time, but that's okay. Next, his left arm… which isn’t there. He can feel the empty space where it should be, the place in his head usually full of receptor signals strangely silent. Okay. It's detachable. Wouldn't be the first time he wakes up without it. _Relax, Barnes._

His chest feels heavy, his ribs sensitive. He can feel every breath he takes. His shoulders ache, but that's also distant, not a heavy constant pain. Which means he's loaded up on pain killers, and has been out for a while. This dull pain usually means his body is healing, and the worst is over.

His right arm. That's a bit sore, feels as if the bone was broken and set? He can feel the stitches, so they operated on it. A heavy cast weighs it down and he struggles to move it.

“Bucky?”

Someone is calling him, but he can’t focus on it. He still needs to assess the situation. He needs to know it's safe.

The arm is too heavy to move, so he stops. He shifts in the bed, moving his legs, and it feels cool. No shoes, socks or trousers, only his boxers, the material silky smooth.

“Bucky? Can you hear me?” A female voice.

“Hmphhh…?” Bucky tries but his mouth is dry and he can't get anything out.

“Come on, open your eyes, got some cool water for you.” The voice is soft, a smile hidden in the words. Bucky feels himself smiling before he forces his eyes open.

He knows that voice.

He trusts that voice.

"Wa... nds..." he croaks out, his throat sore. But it's enough. Her smile grows as she leans over him, her hair falling in cascades around her shoulders.

“Hey...” she softly greets, holding a glass with a straw.

“H-hey…” Bucky smiles back and opens his mouth as Wanda puts the straw to his lips.

“Small sips, okay?”

Bucky takes a few sips, relishing the cool, fresh taste. When the glass is half empty, he stops and Wanda puts it back on the table.

“Better?” she beams at him.

“Much. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Do you want me to lift the bed a bit?”

"Yes, please."

While Wanda lifts the bed, he tries to get more comfortable. He's bare-chested, and an IV line is inserted into his right elbow. The forearm is wrapped tight in bandages, with a plastic cast over it. His left shoulder is back to the metal cover casing.

"Thank you. How long was I out for?" Bucky asks once he's half upright. He's still tired, but a little more alert. He knows he isn’t going to stay awake for long, but wants to try, as long as he can.

Wanda takes his hand again, running small circles on his palm. She looks a bit hesitant when she takes a breath. "You were out of it for five days."

"What?" Bucky asks with surprise.

"You had quite a bit of internal damage, your ribs and spine and lungs. The nanites helped a lot, but you needed the sleep so your body could heal. They also operated on your right arm, the bone was badly broken and starting to heal wrong. You were dehydrated, too," Wanda informs him, her fingers slowly sweeping over his knuckles.

"Shit..." Bucky answers, a bit distracted. He loves the soft touch. It's reassuring.

"Yeah... The arm was set, but Shuri says even with your healing factor it would take about four weeks for it to be a full one hundred percent. She's also busy with your new arm, making several upgrades, but she can't attach it until your body is completely healed. The internal damage was quite severe but the meds are helping a lot, there's no infection. She just needs your ribs and muscles to be back to full strength. So if you want to sleep, I must tell you that you really should. The more sleep, the quicker you will heal.”

"Yeah, in a minute. I'd like to enjoy being awake for a moment. Is everyone safe? Did anyone get hurt? The volcano-" he starts to ask, the memories of how he got to be in hospital slowly coming back to him. Wanda gives his hand a slight squeeze.

"Everything is fine, Bucky, the danger has passed. No one got hurt. UN is helping with damage control in neighboring countries. T'Challa is back, very proud of his sister and how she handled things... and worried about you. All of us were. I should tell them you're awake," she adds as an afterthought, but makes no attempt to get up.

"That's good, that everyone is okay. I had... I was scared there for a moment. How did you guys find me?" Bucky asks, his mouth pulled into a tight line.

His head hurts, but it's not too bad; it's as if it's trying to put his memories, the whole ordeal, in some kind of order for him to work through. He remembers the fall, then the pain, lying on his back, unable to get free... more pain, so much pain... and hallucinations.

Steve? But he was young again... And he- they- they talked... Then Steve- he said- he-

"Bucky?"

Bucky focuses back on Wanda, who's looking at him worriedly.

"Sorry, did I zone out there?"

"A little... Did you hear what I asked?"

"Uhm... No, sorry... it’s all a bit hazy."

"I asked if you remembered being rescued, who it was..." Wanda asks, her eyes full of tension.

"I...” Bucky looks to the side, embarassed. “I remember a... hallucination. It was Steve," he answers.

Wanda bites her lip. "It wasn't a hallucination, Bucky, he did come to you. He did save you."

Bucky looks at her as if she grew another head. " _What?!_ "

"Steve did get you out. He's the one who found you, detached your arm, bandaged your chest... He put the field cast on your arm and gave you painkillers, administered the first dose of nanites… then practically carried you most of the way out. Don’t you remember? Did you think you imagined it?"

"But- he was young!" Bucky protests, and then his eyes widen in shock as it all falls into place. His memory comes back, all in an instant, and Bucky remembers everything. Steve went and did something stupid, with Shuri's machine and the cell complex... He saved Bucky's life, and they talked, and...

"Oh.” His eyes are wide, his mouth open, and he locks eyes with Wanda. “It happened? All of it?"

"What happened? Besides him going to get you?" Wanda asks.

"We've talked... a lot... And, and he..." Bucky doesn't want to say that part out loud. How can he be certain it was real? Steve told him he _loved_ him, and then he _kissed_ him. He looks back at Wanda. "Where is he?" Wanda's eyes fill with tears and she looks down. "Wanda- is he- did he-" Bucky tries, but stumbles.

Did Steve die? He feels his body growing ice-cold.

 _Please, no,_ please _, anything but that,_ please _…_

"Bucky... you need to understand-"

"Oh god, he's dead, isn't he?!"

Wanda jumps up. "No! No, no, oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't think there... No, he didn't die, we got you both out."

Bucky feels like a huge weight's been lifted off his chest. "So where is he?" No way would Steve let him wake up alone after... after all _that._ Right?

"Something went wrong with the procedure-"

"Yes, he got a seizure in the cave, he turned smaller. I was so angry, told him I’m going to yell and scream and he smiled, said he will gladly stand back and even let me punch him.”

Wanda’s mouth turns up in a smile. “Yeah, sounds like him.”

“Wands. What happened?”

“That seizure, it must've been his second one. The first one probably happened before he got to you, after we dropped him off at the cave. He was his old size - I mean, last I saw him, he was young and strong and big, like always. Shuri estimates he's lost about 20 – 30% of his body mass now. The cell complex, or something… She is still trying to figure it out, it must have malfunctioned, or the algorithm didn’t work? Anyway, he lost some of his strength, his size... and some of his previous illnesses came back. His lower back has a slight curve to it, called a-”

“C-curve, yes. Scoliosis,” Bucky finishes.

Wanda nods. “Yeah, it’s about 6 degrees.”

“It used to be much worse, back in the day.”

“Shuri thinks that if he got more seizures - he had another one just after we brought you back here... If he got more, his back would have curved more, back to its original position.”

Bucky bites his lips and looks away. “What else?”

“So far, some allergies, and she determined that his lungs are weaker. His lips were blue when we found you, looked like he was close to have a very bad asthma attack-”

“Oh god.”

“But she's working to stop it. To stabilize him,” Wanda tries to sound hopeful, but Bucky can see the doubt, the worry she can’t hide.

“Wands, if he got three seizures in, what, four hours? Six? It’s been five days!”

“Uhm…”

“Where. Is. He?” Bucky asks slowly, his voice tense. Wanda looks up and tries to take a deep breath, her eyes on Bucky.

“She did the only thing she could. Steve's in cryo.”

Bucky’s mouth falls open. This can’t be.

Cryo-

Steve is-

“Steve is _frozen_?” he asks softly, his voice trembling. Wanda nods. “ _Where_?”

“Same place you were, in Shuri's lab.”

“I want to see him,” Bucky responds and sits up to get out of bed. Wanda jumps up to push him back.

“You can’t! You’re not strong enough yet! Come on, you can barely sit!”

“I have to! Wanda, he- I- I need to see him, please! He said- I have to-” Bucky tries, but Wanda keeps pushing him back. Bucky's eyes fill with tears as he remembers what happened. What Steve did, the implications. How Bucky yelled at him about the procedure. If it wasn’t permanent, what happens now? He has a family, what about them?

“Wanda. What about his family? JJ, the kids, do they know?” Bucky asks as he finally falls back against the bed. His eyes are red, and it's breaking her heart, seeing him like this. So hopeless, so lost.

“They know. They've been here, JJ is _still_ here. Sam-Anthony and Sarah had to go back, but they will come again. They're kept in the loop. Stay calm, just focus on _you_ now.”

“What did they say? What did you tell them? Do the blame me? Do they h-hate me?” Bucky asks, his voice broken, his eyes boring into Wanda’s. She puts her hands on his cheeks, her own eyes red with unshed tears.

“No, they don’t blame you. They don’t hate you. We told them the truth, we told them everything. Please, Bucky, get some rest. When you wake up, I will take you to him, I promise. He is okay. He is stable. He can wait.”

Bucky nods and Wanda leans closer, kissing his cheek.

“Wands…” he whispers.

“I’m here… I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“I’m scared. What he did… What he said to me….”

“Shhhhh… don't think about it now. We will sort it out. We will work it all out. Together, okay? Just like always.”

Bucky nods and leans back, his eyes already half-closed.

Once Bucky's asleep, Wanda gets up and walks out the room, a few steps down the hallway. There's a huge, relaxing waiting area; Sam is sitting at a table, playing cards with Pietro and JJ, and they look up when she comes in.

“He woke up a few minutes ago. He's asleep, again,” she reports and takes the cup of coffee JJ holds out for her. “Thanks,” she smiles at him.

“How is he?” JJ asks, and when Wanda looks up, all three men are staring at her.

“He's a bit shaken up. He didn’t remember what happened at first, then it came back... He though he hallucinated Steve…”

Sam flinches. “Shit…”

“His memory came back though, and he asked where Steve was.”

“Did you tell him?” Pietro asks. She nods.

“How did he take it?” Sam asks.

“Uhm… he was very upset, he started crying. He insisted on seeing Steve, then he asked if his kids know, and whether they hate him, if they blame him.”

“Double shit,” Sam mutters and leans on his elbows, rubbing his face with both hands.

JJ looks at Wanda. “You told him we don’t, right? Because we could _never_.”

“I did. I told him to get some rest. I promised him that when he wakes up, I will take him to see Steve.”

“Okay, first things first,” Sam says and they turn to him. He looks at them seriously. “We need to be there for him, support him, this is another huge trauma. The fact that he thought he hallucinated Steve tells me it isn’t the first time he did that. That may bring up some bad memories, we need to keep an eye out for that.

“Secondly, we need to tell him, in a kind and easy way, that we have no idea how long Steve is going to be in cryo. It can take days, or weeks, or even months before Shuri knows what to do. She did contact Bruce and they've been conferencing, trying to find a way out of this, but we have no guarantees and he needs to know that.

“Thirdly, he is basically an invalid until he gets his new arm. The right arm is in a cast, so he will need help with all the basic things, and he may be a bit distant and refuse to ask. We will need to find a way to help him with that without damaging his dignity or making him think we are taking away his free will. And fourthly…”

All three of them look at him.

“Fourthly?” Pietro asks. Sam looks at them.

“Any suggestions on this new venture will be much appreciated.”

They're quiet for a minute, then Wanda puts her empty cup down. “I’m going back in, I told him I won’t leave him.”

“Good, thank you,” Sam replies and watches her go. The three men sit at the table, the cards forgotten.

JJ looks at Sam. “Do you think Dad told Bucky how he feels about him, in the cave?”

“I don’t know, man, honestly” Sam answers.

JJ sits back in his chair. “I should have known, you know… the way he'd talk about him. The way he'd come alive when he told us stories about him when we were growing up. He'd get this look, this smile… more than once, I saw Mom looking at him with pursed lips when he did that, but I thought she was just fed up with the war stories, the Brooklyn Days. Now that I know…” he trails off.

Sam and Pietro glance at each other. They have no idea how to reply to that. Sam picks up the cards again, shuffling them. He looks at JJ, curiosity getting the better of him.

“JJ… What's the Brooklyn Days?”

“Oh, we, our kids, the whole family really, used to divide his stories into categories. The Brooklyn Days was before the serum, the Bucky-and-Steve days, growing up, running amok, Bucky trying to keep them both alive and taking care of Dad when he was ill… Then the Howlie Days was the war era, the Captain America days. The Alien Days was when he woke up in the future and fought aliens, and met all of you guys,” JJ responds with a smile. He clearly loves the stories, all of them.

“Well… Tell us about the Brooklyn Days. Steve is always so quiet about them,” Sam asks with a smile.

“Oh, sure! There was one time, Dad was ten and Bucky was eleven, and they stole a bike…”


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know your kids are worried sick, right? They're all here. They _know_ Steve, they know _everything_ , and don’t you think you should be here to explain yourself? Am _I_ supposed to? You shouldn’t have done this… you shouldn't have put yourself at risk, you should have-”  
> “Let you die? He wasn’t going to do that. And I am glad he didn’t.”

22 Nov 2024

Bucky sits on the hospital bed, Sam helping him get dressed so they can go and see Steve. Bucky insisted - he's finally awake and able to stay awake for longer periods... and by longer, he means a few hours at the most. His progress is slow, but still faster than a normal human's.

Since he first wake up, he's had visitors. Wanda hardly left his side, Pietro's been there to keep him busy and stay in touch with the outside world. Shuri would come by daily to bring him fresh cinnamon thingies. Even Elethu sent a few messages, but hasn't been by.

Yegolide has calmed down while he was unconscious. The force fields prevented a lot of damage, financially and structurally, so people went back to their homes. Schools started again, and his classes have a substitute while Bucky is recovering. Things are returning to normal. It will take a while, but the people of Wakanda are resilient.

Bucky's room is filled with flowers and letters from the kids, wishing him well - he couldn't help but be touched and very emotional about it. If he's to be honest, the kids are the main reason he's okay with Sam helping while his arm heals. He hates feeling like an invalid, but he understands that if he wants to get better _faster_ , he needs to eat properly, take his meals and a bath every day.

The only person he allows to help with that isn’t the nurses. It's Sam.

He knows Wanda and Shuri wouldn’t mind, but he wasn’t going to let them feed him, or _bathe_ him, so he asked Sam. Sam didn’t mind, as this gave him a chance to talk to Bucky, to make sure he's okay.

So far, he hasn’t talked much about his ordeal in the cave, especially about what happened between him and Steve, besides the fact that he thought he hallucinated Steve because he was young. Sam could understand that, but then… last night Bucky came clean. He told Sam that when he was with Hydra, and out of cryo for too long, he would hallucinate Steve coming to save him. Sam actually expected as much, so he told Bucky that being able to snap out of it was a very good sign. Yes, the next few weeks would be difficult, but not impossible. That he _can_ get through it.

Bucky didn’t tell him _how_ he snapped out of it, what's been said and done in that cave.

Bucky isn’t sure if it was a dream or not... because there is no way that Steve returns his feelings, right? That Steve kissed him, twice? It can't be real. It was the best kiss Bucky's ever had. He imagined kissing Steve many times in his life, but it didn’t come close to the real thing. The way they fitted together seamlessly is something he isn’t ready to dig into.

“Okay, just the shoes and we are done! Wanda will bring the sling and then we can go,” Sam says and Bucky jolts out of his musings. He looks down to see that the shoes are sneakers, good old All Star Converse, white and black. Bucky doesn’t much care, but it's comfortable, really comfortable. He's also got black, loose fitting drawstring sweatpants and a white A-shirt. His hair falls softly around his face. His arm is still bandaged, cast in some new type of fibre. It's solid and light, doesn't impede his movement all that much.

“Thanks, Sam.”

“You’re welcome. Just so you know, I will remember this and expect a favour in return.”

Bucky’s face splits into a huge smile. “As long as you keep it reasonable.”

“Hmm… well, you can start by not calling my shield a Frisbee?” Sam answers, standing back so Bucky can get up from the bed. Bucky's feet are steady on the ground. It feels good to finally be upright.

He looks at Sam and smiles. “For a week.”

“A month.”

“Two weeks, final offer,” Bucky shrugs, still smiling.

Sam mirrors it. “You negotiating with me, Barnes?”

“Think of it as a compromise between two buddies.”

“I’m thinking of it as negotiation between two partners.”

“Nah… same thing.” They both laugh softly.

“Two weeks, to start with…” Sam relents.

Bucky smiles and takes a step closer to Sam. “Sam… Thank you.”

“Sure. I’m always here to help, don’t you forget it.”

“I won’t. So, uh, are Steve’s kids still here?”

“Sam-Anthony and Sarah will try to come back this weekend, maybe tomorrow or later today, I’m not sure. JJ is still here, he hasn’t left. There’s perks to working for oneself.”

Bucky smiles tightly and nods, then frowns. “I thought he was in the force?”

“He is, or was? He opened his own little side business. Left the force with early retirement, and now flies tourists around.”

“Oh,” Bucky answers, looking away and walking to the window. He knows what Steve did, that he's in cryo. He also knows that it's serious enough that his kids were informed and even flown in to be here. It says a lot.

Bucky's made peace that he would have to meet them sooner or later, but really, he isn’t ready for it _now_.

He's had enough. He needs to have a serious talk with Steve. Steve said some things in that cave, he did some things, and that's putting Bucky and everything he thought he knew off kilter. He needs answers. He needs to know if it happened. Did Steve really tell him he loved him? Did Steve kiss him? Did he imagine it all? After all, he was dehydrated, in pain, low on air…

He turns around to look at Sam, who's been watching him carefully. “Wanda said the other day that they know everything. What's covered under ‘everything’, exactly?” Bucky asks and Sam sighs, walking closer to him.

“ _Everything_. Turns out that Steve didn’t raise idiots. Considering how stupid he can be, it’s quite a miracle, don’t you think?” Sam jokes and Bucky snorts. They share a laugh before Sam goes on.

“Uhm… when you left the Compound and he was in hospital, they wanted to know what's going on. They believed he had a heart attack, and Steve… well, he wasn’t himself when he woke up. He was quite emotional, distant, didn’t want to eat or talk to anyone. He said he deserved to be ill, that he should just die.

“JJ cornered us, asked us where _you_ were. We told him as much as we could without invading your privacy. During Steve's rehabilitation, every time he talked about you, JJ would pay close attention... and when you two started to talk again, even if just through emails or calls, Steve started to live again. He made his first real attempt to get better. He would start to smile again, even if just a little.

“JJ noticed. We all did. And then Steve did... you know what he did. The procedure. It was touch and go, Shuri did everything she could, but the only way to make sure he wouldn’t regress more was to put him in cryo. So we had to call them, and JJ demanded to know the whole story, from the beginning. We told him, we told him what we thought, then Shuri showed him the video feed from the lab when he made the decision. So JJ knows literally _everything_. And he, all the kids, are okay with it all. They don’t blame you, or anyone else. They know what kind of person Steve is, they know why he did that.”

Bucky looks torn. “And… my feelings? Me being gay?”

“Yes.” Bucky flinches slightly, so Sam steps closer, putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Hey, they don’t mind. They certainly do not blame you for your feelings. In fact, JJ is quite surprised that you managed to keep it to yourself for so long, to step away and let Steve live his life.”

“I-” Bucky tries, but doesn’t get far as Wanda comes in with Pietro, carrying a sling.

“You guys ready?” she asks, and Bucky nods and steps closer.

Now that he's going to see Steve, the anxiety is back. He forces himself to put his thoughts about JJ and the rest to the side, and focus on Steve.

With the sling on, his arm feels much better - resting on the sling instead of hanging off his side, dead weight. His left arm is still gone, just a metal socket in his shoulder. He feels a bit unbalanced, but steady enough for _this_.

“Okay, lead the way,” Bucky says to them, and the three share a look. Wanda at the front, Sam and Pietro next to him. Bucky can only imagine how it looks, him in the middle and all three of them like some sort of protection detail. It certainly makes Bucky feel better, less alone, less… lonely.

  
  


Shuri's waiting for them, and the moment she sees Bucky, she runs towards him. Bucky moves his arm to the side to let her hug him.

“Princess…” he whispers, his face buried in her shoulder, inhaling her scent. His arm touches her side - he can’t _really_ hug back, but he'll damn well try.

“Brother. It’s so good to see you! Sorry I couldn’t visit more.”

“I know, you have your plate full… I think congratulations are in order? You’ve handled the whole thing with the volcano splendidly. I’m so proud of you!”

Shuri beams even more when she finally pulls away. “Thank you. I’m almost done with your new arm, you will love it!”

“I know. I loved the old one too. But you need to help Steve first, I can wait.”

Here Bucky notices the first cracks in her composure. “I’m trying really, _really_ hard,” she winces.

“I have faith in you. What's going on with him though?”

Shuri takes a breath and walks to some monitors. There's a full body scan on the screen, and Bucky knows it's Steve’s.

“It looks as if the serum never left his body. It somehow went dormant, retracting, almost curling in on itself, allowing him to grow old.”

“Why didn't this happen when he got treatment for his heart condition?” Bucky asks, walking closer to the screen.

“Because it was a very small amount, only 5% dosage at a time. This, what we- what _I_ gave him, was the full strength, not diluted at all. It was a system overload, so to speak.”

“And it woke the dormant serum up?” Sam asks, also staring at the screens.

“Yes, and somehow the two are trying to cancel each other out. Instead of strengthening, they're destroying each other, and him in the process."

“You mean it's making him... old?” Sam asks.

“No. I don’t know. Somehow, my cell complex wants to regenerate him, take him even further back. It's somehow reverting him to his original state - as you can see, his scoliosis is starting, his lungs are weaker, his asthma is back. I’ve done a couple blood tests, his allergies are back too... So far I detect peanuts, seafood and turmeric.”

“He wasn’t allergic to those things when we were growing up,” Bucky states.

“Well, did you eat a lot of those in the 30’s?” Shuri asks shrewdly.

“Uhm… no, okay. They weren't on our grocery list. It used to be cabbage, bread, cabbage, beans, maybe some meat. And more cabbage. So. Much. Cabbage.”

“Well, he can still have those!” Shuri grins.

“So what do you need to do? To get him better, out of cryo?” Sam asks, getting their attention back to the problem at hand.

Everyone looks back at Shuri. “I need to find a way to make the cell complex and serum work together, instead of attacking each other. Problem is, I don't have any of the original serum to work with.”

“Shit,” Pietro groans for the first time.

“Yeah. Shit,” Shuri agrees.

“How long do you think it'll take?” Sam asks, his hands folded.

“I don’t know, days? Weeks? Maybe months…” Shuri answers. Her voice is thin and sad, her eyes on Bucky. They all knew it may take some time – all except Bucky. This was the best way to tell him.

Bucky purses his lips. Without a word, he walks to the tanks. He knows where they are - down the lab, through the sliding doors, behind the huge container containing the gasses used to put someone in cryo.

The others watch as he walks away, Shuri getting ready to follow him. Sam stops her.

“Let’s give him some space, come on.”

  
  


Bucky walks closer, his feet on automatic, then he looks up and falters.

Steve is in the same cryo tank Bucky was, dressed in white trousers and a white undershirt, his eyes closed. It's like he's stuck halfway between his pre-serum days and Captain America time. He seems to be about six inches shorter, four inches more than his old self. Bucky’s mind provides him with the fact that Steve is now shorter than Bucky, again. His shoulders are smaller, arms thinner, but nowhere as thin and fragile as the Steve Bucky fell in love with. His muscles are still well-defined. Bucky smiles as he sees that his hands are smooth again, the fingers long and strong. He has artist's hands - always a creator first, a fighter second.

He steps closer to the tank, everything in him screaming to touch, but he can’t, both arms still incapacitated. He walks till he is standing right in front of the glass instead, leaning his forehead on the glass.

“Oh, Stevie…” he whispers, not even bothering to fight they way his eyes fill with tears.

He finally looks up at Steve’s face. It's smaller than Bucky's seen in decades. His blond hair is combed to the side, the stubborn cowlick down his forehead. The small crooked nose, a little bit to the left, the lips soft, a bit chapped, a little open. His lashes, always too long for a man…

So beautiful.

“Fuck it, Stevie… _Why?_ Why did you _do_ that? Now you’re stuck in here… Shuri's doing everything she can to help you, but it may take months… What the hell are we supposed to do till then? I need to know… I’m sorry, I’m being selfish, but what you said in the cave... what you did? I need to know if it happened, if it's real.”

Steve doesn’t move. Bucky shakes his head.

“You know your kids are worried sick, right? They're all here. They _know_ Steve, they know _everything_ , and don’t you think you should be here to explain yourself? Am _I_ supposed to? You shouldn’t have done this… you shouldn't have put yourself at risk, you should have-”

“Let you die? He wasn’t going to do that. And I am glad he didn’t.” Bucky spins around at the voice, and his eyes widen in shock. There, about two meters from him, stands JJ, leaning against a wall, his arms folded.

Bucky stares. JJ smiles, trying to calm him down, to reassure him, but Bucky’s body's still rigid.

“I’m sorry to intrude like this... I usually come by every day. I didn’t expect to see you here, thought you were still in hospital. I’m glad you are okay, and doing so much better.” JJ is calm, his voice soft, comforting. He doesn’t step closer.

Bucky's completely still as well. He clears his throat. “JJ, right?”

“Yes. It's nice to see you again. I know the other time was under, well… not the best circumstances. I’m hoping this time might be better.”

“I’m gay,” Bucky blurts out, and immediately wants to shoot himself.

JJ laughs softly. “I know.”

“Yeah, sorry… It’s been a, well, a rough couple of days.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

“Uh, how much did you hear?” Bucky asks, biting his lips. JJ steps closer and comes to stand next to Bucky, his eyes on Steve.

“It’s weird, seeing him like this. There used to be pictures, but this? It’s so unreal, something out of sci-fi movie. Dad hated those, we only got to know why years later... But you have always loved it, right? H. G. Wells and all of that? Ironic, how you love it so much and get the bad end of it, and Dad hates it, yet gets the good part.”

Bucky swallows at that. It's true. He loves science and the technology. Steve's always hated it, and here they are... Bucky gets put through the ringer time and time again, and Steve-

“He is going to be okay,” Bucky says finally. “Shuri will fix him.”

“And then? He has a whole new life ahead of him, he will outlive us all… Will he be alone though?” JJ asks, finally looking at Bucky, his eyes soft, understanding.

Bucky wants to run away. He wants to scream. This isn’t what he signed up for! He certainly doesn’t want to feel this connection with JJ. Like he understands what Bucky is feeling, like he's on Bucky's side.

Bucky looks back to Steve, then to JJ. He can see the resemblance, JJ is more Steve than Peggy, way more, but- he can’t-

“I need to go,” he finally mutters.

“May we talk later? I know this is a bit much, but since this is going to take some time... Would you have a coffee with me when you feel up to it?”

Bucky looks to Steve, then the door. “Yeah, sure… excuse me.” He nearly runs out. Back towards his hospital room, then taking a detour and running to his room. His bed, his apartment, his garden… He needs to be alone, he needs to be somewhere safe, surrounded by his own stuff.

He doesn’t even realize JJ never answered him.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now, this... Have to tell you, we will probably come to, what's the word, fisticuffs about it. I know they're your favourite, and you got Steve hooked too... But I'm only gonna say this once. _Sharing is caring."_  
>  As Sam talks, Bucky's face turns from confusion, to surprise, to utter delight. He knows what that is. "My cinnamon thingies! Gimme!" Bucky demands, holding out his arm. Sam hands him the container, and Bucky opens it reverently and glances inside. "Oh... how I've missed you!"

25 Nov 2024

Bucky sits in his usual spot, one of the garden chairs outside his room. After his little impromptu breakout from the hospital - more accurately, just not returning after seeing Steve and meeting JJ - he was officially released. He didn’t mean to, he was full of good intentions - going back, crawling under the blankets and ignoring the world... but then his own place called. The privacy of his own room, his own bathroom. The lure of was overwhelming - being able to do what he wants, to hide without answering the questions that rained from all sides... He just hightailed it back to his room and collapsed on his bed, his body shaking with tears. The others found him some time later, helped him settle in, gave him some dinner and allowed him to sleep. He found out the next day that it was Sam’s idea to finally release him. Sam convinced them Bucky would recuperate better at home. He saw Bucky's need for familiar things.

Bucky’s list of things he needs to thank that man for continues to grow every day.

Bucky hasn’t left his room since that day, three days ago. He hasn’t even been back to see Steve. He wanted to, desperately so... but he had no idea what to do or say. Plus, it was the weekend and he might have run into the kids, and considering how it went with JJ... Bucky doesn’t think he's ready for the other two. Granted, it went better than that first fateful day outside the Compound, but it still isn’t something he will actively pursue anytime soon. He did promise JJ a coffee, but he's hoping that before they do that, he can at least hold the mug without his hand shaking and spilling all over himself. Shuri says his progress is good, so he may get a new arm by the end of next week. His right arm is also healing well, and will need some physical therapy, but that's just about the last item on his list.

The most pressing thing is the fact that he can’t speak to Steve, can’t ask him the questions that keep him awake at night. Not to mention the soft ghost of a feeling, Steve’s lips against his... One part of him wants to believe it happened. The other part of him says he's imagining it... after all, he's used to hallucinating Steve. It used to happen way back with Hydra, the circumstances eerily similar. The pain...

His mind keeps replaying those last few moments before the seizure.

 _”And now... it’s the other way round, Buck… Now, Sam knows, Wanda and Shuri do, Natasha knew, Tony suspected..._ _everyone_ _knows, but you don’t..."_

_"Know what?"_

_"Buck... I love you too..."_

_"Uh... what?"_

_"I love you too. I'm in love with you. Have been, for years, decades. Always. I just didn't see it, I thought it was just the close bond we had, feeling overprotective because of Hydra... so many other excuses..."_

_"You love me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"_ _…_ _Is this a hallucination?"_

_"No! What?"_

_"Sounds like it..."_

_"It's not, I promise."_

It sounded so real. It sounded like Steve. Not something he would imagine... certainly not the guilt part, he never knew Steve felt guilty about his family.

_“It’s not, I promise.”_

Bucky closes his eyes as he hears Steve’s voice again.

_“It’s not, I promise.”_

A single tear runs down his cheek. He'd said it three times, four, if you count the last one… But was it real?

Steve’s whole family know that Bucky's in love with their dad. Their dad, who married a woman, spent decades with them, yet apparently couldn’t stop talking about Bucky.

And his other friends. That doesn't have to mean anything, does it?

Opening his eyes, he looks to the side and focuses on the path some distance away. He thinks he can hear...

Soon, he can make out two figures coming around one of the hedges. A small smile forms on his lips and he looks up. Midday. Sam and Wanda are bringing lunch, just like yesterday and the day before.

Bucky doesn't mind having meals with them. He still needs the help, and he would rather let _them_ be witness to him spilling food all over himself, than the rest of the world. He's regaining strength in his arm, but only a little at a time. A cup of coffee to his mouth and back, a spoon with food, a sandwich.

He doesn't even bother to wipe his eyes - he's long past hiding his emotion from these two. They've seen him at his worst, when he was at his lowest. He owes them his life so many times over.

They're carrying a tray with food, and it smells divine even from a distance. He can hear them talking and laughing about something Pietro did that morning. Wanda shakes her head, exasperated. She's the older one now, and where she had to mature, grow up the hard way, Pietro missed all that. He still has some of that youthful hope.

"Hey, guys," Bucky greets once they're close enough.

They both smile at him, sitting down in their favorite spots. That's another thing - his two chairs grew to three, occupied daily.

"How is he?" Bucky asks once they're sitting down. He asks every day. They go in, see Steve, talk to his family, and then come to see him, eat with him.

"Same," Wanda answers, just like every other day.

"And, uhm, JJ? The others?"

"Good. Sam-Anthony and Sarah are going back this afternoon, JJ is still staying. They asked about you, if you're doing well, and they're glad that you're okay. Quite impressed with your great escape out of the hospital and lab, too."

Bucky snorts. "I have connections."

"Oh, so it's not _what_ you know, but _who_ you know?" Sam jokes and Bucky chuckles.

"Oh yes, I have CapFalcon on my side, a princess, two awesome siblings..."

“CapFalcon?” Sam asks, one eyebrow raised. Bucky thinks he's got the 'eyebrow of disapproval' down perfectly. Just like Steve. Luckily, Bucky is immune.

“Oh, is it FalCap? AmeriCon? ConMerica? CapCon?” Bucky asks with his most innocent face. Sam tries to keep his face stern, but fails the moment Wanda starts to giggle.

“You’re a menace, Barnes,” he finally says, shaking his head.

“Hmmmm… I have my moments,” Bucky agrees.

Wanda bursts out laughing again, grabbing his hand. The biggest bandages are off, only the fiberglass cast remaining. Shuri coloured it a dark navy, his fingertips free, the fibre wrapped around his thumb. It's an inconvenience, but it's much better than previous version. Bucky’s face turns sad as he looks at it.

"They understand though, why I'm not- why I can't-"

"Yes. Completely," Wanda assures him, then shares a look with Sam.

"What?" Bucky asks, suspicious.

Wanda sighs and pulls a small booklet out of her bag. "Sarah wanted you to have this. It's a few pictures of her and Michelle, and some pieces she's planning to exhibit. I think she's trying to find a way to bond, or include you, or something," Wanda tries half-heartedly.

"Thanks, I may look at it, a bit later," Bucky sighs.

"Whenever, man. No rush. Except for lunch, because I am _starving_ ," Sam adds, and without waiting for a reply starts to open the containers. He holds the last one back, looking serious. "Now, this... Have to tell you, we will probably come to, what's the word, fisticuffs about it. I know they're your favourite, and you got Steve hooked too... But I'm only gonna say this once. _Sharing is caring._ "

As Sam talks, Bucky's face turns from confusion, to surprise, to utter delight. He knows what that is. "My cinnamon thingies! Gimme!" Bucky demands, holding out his arm. Sam hands him the container, and Bucky opens it reverently and glances inside. "Oh... how I've missed you!"

"Hey, don't look at my food with bedroom eyes... At least eat your veggies first," Sam reprimands, but doesn't make a move to take the box away. He just places the plate with sandwiches and spring rolls in front of Bucky.

"Thanks, man," Bucky says honestly.

They eat in comfortable silence, each deep in their own thoughts. Bucky keeps wondering – should he ask? Should he tell them? Once they're done, he decides to just speak his mind. If Steve can't give him the answers to some questions, he must do the next best thing. Or at least, share the thoughts that are starting to grow really heavy on his mind.

"I need... I need to talk to you about something. It's been bothering me, and I actually really need to ask Steve, but since he isn't able to answer... I need to just get this off my chest."

Wanda and Sam share a look, then shift their chairs a little bit closer to Bucky. Wanda reaches out to hold his hand. "We're here for you, you know that."

Bucky bites down on his lip, looking away. He isn’t sure how to start this conversation.

Sam can see the turmoil, the struggle to get it out. “Did something happen in the cave?”

Bucky nods.

“With Steve?”

Another nod.

“You hallucinated him. It wasn’t the first time, right?”

A head shake.

“With Hydra?”

A nod.

“Bucky, tell us what happened,” Wanda says quietly. “It’s the best way. Start from the moment you can remember seeing Steve, even if you thought it was a hallucination, you know we won’t hold it against you.”

Bucky smiles shakily and takes a deep breath. “I used to imagine him saving me, like that first time in Azzano. When the wipes wore off, when I've had my own thoughts for too long, things started to come back. Whenever they did another experiment, medical procedure, testing the pain thresholds, sensory deprivation, how long it took before I'd break... I would see him, with his dumb suit, and his dumb shooting target shield, and his big dumb smile. He'd tell me how he's come for me, the Howlies too, Howard and Peggy waiting... and I wouldn’t believe him, but then… well… I'd imagine him…” Bucky trails off, looking out towards the garden.

Sam and Wanda wait quietly.

“… I'd imagine him telling me he felt the same way I did. I'd reach out to take his hand, but then he'd disappear and the wipes would start.”

Wanda closes her eyes, filled with tears. Sam looks down, his hands folded together, then up at Bucky.

“That’s what you imagined in the cave?”

“Not exactly? He did do the ‘I’m here to save you part’, but I knew he was old, so I flat out refused to believe him. Told him that I knew it was a hallucination and wasn’t going to play along, Steve is old, not the Captain anymore. And he was surprised, he asked me if I'd hallucinate him back with Hydra… Told him everything. He- he- Uhm. Tried to get me to snap out of it, told me he went to see my family, that it didn’t go well…”

Bucky is silent again, remembering Steve's words. They pushed Steve away, thinking he was tainting the memory of their son, their brother, by marrying someone else. Bucky’s heart expanded at that, so much he felt it almost leap out his chest. He loves his family, so much... even after his death they supported him, stood by him.

He knows it wasn’t Steve’s fault, that they shouldn’t have done that. But he can’t help but feel a bit of pride, of gratitude for his mom and sisters. They were beyond incredible. They were amazing, and he wishes he could see them again, hug them. They always had his back.

“Did it work?” Sam asks softly.

Bucky shakes his head. “No, I told him he was being quite creative. But then he touched me, he placed his hands on my cheeks, I felt it, and he didn’t disappear... He said he did something stupid. Took me a moment to realize he was young again. Even longer to think of the implications. Then I yelled at him,” Bucky smiles.

“It was a split second decision. We tried to stop him, but he was quite convincing,” Wanda explains. Bucky nods. He knows how persuasive Steve can be. Bucky also knows how protective Shuri and Wanda are of him - it probably didn't take much to convince them.

Shit, he hasn’t even thought of it like that, that they were willing to go ahead with that ludicrous plan for him, risk Steve...

“Barnes, what's really on your mind?” Sam asks, pushing just a little.

“We got to talking, about a lot of stuff. Things we couldn’t talk about before, things we didn’t, but maybe should have... Anyway, with the cave-in, the one that trapped us, he started to dig us out, got an opening, and there was a clearing… But only one of us could go, fit through. I knew it couldn’t be me, I had no arms, and the blood loss was getting to me… so I told him to go. He said no, of course. I tried to tell him that he's young again, has a full life ahead of him, that his kids need him... that he can go through, continue digging, get to you, then come back for me. He flat-out refused. Yelled at me, even. He said… he said that he made a promise to you.” Bucky looks up at Wanda, his eyes shimmering.

“He did,” Wanda confirms.

“That either both of us leave the cave, or none,” Bucky whispers.

Sam’s eyes go wide, but he isn’t really surprised. Wanda nods softly.

“I yelled at him some more…” Bucky continues. “Then… he, uhm, said something. He said… that before, he was the only one who didn’t know how I felt, and now it's the other way around. Now everyone knows, again, but _I_ don’t…”

Bucky looks down, a tear running down his cheek. He looks at Wanda. “I need to know if it was real. Wanda, I need to know that happened, that I didn’t imagine it,” Bucky whispers, his voice half-broken.

Wanda leans closer. “If _what_ happened, Bucky?”

“That he loves me. Always has, always will. Then he, uh… he kissed me.”

Sam and Wanda’s stare at each other. Steve _did_ it. He actually _did_ it. After... how many years of denial? After months of doubt, of heartbreak and pain... he actually did it.

“Was it real? Did I hallucinate it again?” Bucky asks of no one in particular.

Wanda squeezes Bucky’s hand with both of hers, cradling it; Sam reaches out and puts his hand on his shoulder. A silent show of support.

“Bucky…" Wanda starts, and Bucky looks up at her. "It did happen. Steve loves you. That’s why he wanted the procedure.” Bucky's eyes widen as Wanda goes on. “When you told us that you were trapped, he was so angry. Shuri and I burst out crying, but he turned desperate. The plan was originally to go as he was, me and him. Him driving the craft, me rescuing you.

“Then Sam called, the kids got trapped by the lava with Pietro. Steve turned even more desperate, he got the idea and insisted on doing that procedure. When we tried to stop him, he said that... he said that he can’t fail you again. That he has lived enough, and if he dies, so be it. And if he lives, you both stand a chance. He said he wasn’t going to live in a world where he is alive and you are not, not again. That he couldn’t live knowing he could’ve done something, but didn’t. That he wasn’t going to walk away from you, ever again. He did it, Bucky, because he loves you. Not out of guilt.

“I saw it. I _felt_ it. He didn’t say it, but I _felt_ it. The way he felt... that if he died, then he would be with you soon enough, but if he lived, if he could save you… he would do it, whatever it took.”

Bucky keeps staring at Wanda, shocked. Surprised and disbelieving. Hopeful. A tiny glimmer of hope... He opens his mouth to say something, but instead a huge sob escapes him. His shoulders start to shake and Wanda pulls him closer, wrapping her arms around him, allowing him to sag against her as he cries. Sam catches her eye - he's silently crying too, just like Wanda. He leans forward, putting his arms around both Bucky and Wanda, holding them close, shielding them from the outside world.

They have a lot of work ahead of them, and Sam really hopes and prays that Steve survives this. He needs to give Bucky the answers he so desperately seeks. Wanda and Shuri and all of them can try to ease his mind, but only Steve who can lay all those doubts to rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanda's POV (“I saw it. I _felt_ it. He didn’t say it, but I _felt_ it.") of Steve's transformation can be found [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24561532) 🙂


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam smiles proudly at Bucky. "Barnes, a moment of truce, okay? Cause this amazing, the food, the table setting... you’re a really great host."  
> Shuri smiles at Bucky with mischief.  
> "What?" he asks and everyone turns to her.  
> She shrugs. "I really _should_ try and clone myself a straight version of you. I could eat like this all day."

09 Dec 2024

Bucky lies in the bath tub, his feet crossed at the ankles next to the faucet. A stubborn cluster of foam rests on the top of his foot, refusing to budge. Bucky can't muster the energy to care. Next to his head there's a glass of wine, condensation slowly running down the stem. Bucky picks it up and takes a long sip. Stretching his left arm out, he marvels at it. Shuri put it on yesterday, upgraded and state of the art.

It's _beautiful_.

Bucky asked her to keep the original design, the black and gold, and she gave in, on certain conditions. It can change colour, even imitating flesh if he wants it to. She built in a secret compartment that can hold a set of throwing knives and his phone. It's also got a built-in sensors allowing him to scan objects - it tells him what they're made of, if they pose a threat, if they contain spyware... Kind of like JARVIS and FRIDAY did for Tony's suit.

Bucky's tried scanning his favourite cinnamon thingies for the recipe, but it didn't work. Shuri just laughed in his face. He scanned _her_ and melted at the way her whole body lights up when she talks to him or hugs him.

Bucky decided she can laugh as much as she wants.

Pulling the arm back, he scans his ankle in the water. The bone shows up a soft white, like an x-ray. The shampoo bottle is secretive about its ingredients... it smells good though, so he'll let it slide.

"Bucky! Are you still bathing!?"

Startled, Bucky shakes off the foam as he sits up. He looks at the metal wrist, where the time is showing - another upgrade.

"Shit." He lost track of the time. He was supposed to be out of the bath by now, getting ready for his visitors. Luckily, the table is set and food prepared, but he still should've made a fire, so the coals would be ready when they arrived.

"Bucky?"

"Hey, Wands, you're early!" Bucky yells back, quickly washing his hair, using his right hand. He scans it every night - the arm is set, but a thin line can be seen where the break once was. The muscles are still soft and weak - it's only about 60% healed, which gives him the strength of an average young man. Serum can be absolutely awesome.

"Just ten minutes! I know you were going to chill in the bath and get carried away. It's the bubble bath curse."

Bucky giggles at that. That's true. He did say a quick bath, then came the bubbles and the wine... "Yeah, it's officially real. And I'm not going to break it."

"Good man. So, anything I can do?"

"Can you take the charcoal and lighters out to the fireplace, and see if the ice machine is full?"

"Sure!" He can hear her puttering around comfortably.

Finishing, Bucky gets out of the bath and gets ready. He looks out of the bathroom and smiles. He's very proud of the hut.

His hut - or more accurately his and Steve's - is finished. He's spent the past two weeks fixing it up. He had to do something... Steve is still in cryo, but life is moving on and he couldn't sit still. He and Wanda, or Sam, or Pietro, or all four of them on one memorable occasion, packed a picnic bag and made their way here. They continued to clean, used Steve's designs and built an extra room. It fits a double bed, a set of drawers, a wardrobe and a desk. The kitchen has new shelves and cutlery... They even converted the shower, so it could also be used as a bath. Which he discovered he thoroughly enjoys.

Once dressed, he steps out to the small living space. Most of the hut is open space, just the two bedrooms and bathroom kept separate. The table is set with plates and glasses, an ice bucket, wine, beer and place settings for the salad bowls. There is space for the freshly baked bread and then the meat they're going to be having. There are even two small pots with citronella candles already burning to keep the mosquitoes away.

He can hear Wanda outside and walks out. As he and Steve discussed, they made a small garden area with a retractable roof, and a few garden chairs were placed around a fire pit. Green grass has been planted, and there's a wooden pallet with several shrubs and plants and herbs against the wall of the hut.

It's looks _amazing_.

Bucky is a little bit sad that Steve wasn't here to see it, to help build it... but when he's healed, they can do other projects. Together, just the two of them.

Since that day he told Wanda and Sam everything, Bucky reached some sort of tipping point. He feels much better about what happened, but he still wishes he could talk to Steve. Hearing about Steve and his feelings for Bucky from someone else is not the same as hearing it first-hand. Not even close.

A small part of him is even more confused than before. Now that he knows what happened in the cave is real, and that he and Steve kissed, he's conflicted about what's going to happen next. What is he going to do when Steve wakes up? These past few weeks he's started to talk to JJ, too - every day a bit longer. Bucky likes him, he likes talking to him. He is actually very similar to his dad, only more laid back and easy going. But then again, he is older than all of them. Lived a life, has kids and grandkids of his own.

How is Steve going to react to all these changes that occurred these past weeks? Well, depending on when he wakes up... he may have to adjust to months. Years?...

"Hey, you okay?"

Bucky turns to Wanda standing next to him, her eyes filled with worry. "Yes, sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I'm just, you know, a bit anxious about tonight. I mean, I don't mind making dinner for all of you, it's just..."

"You invited JJ into your home. The home that belongs to both you and Steve now. Plus it's your safe space, your hideaway from the world. It _is_ a massive step you're taking."

"Yeah... but I am ready, aren't I?" he asks, hopeful.

"Of course you are. Look at what you've accomplished in two weeks! And now you're making us dinner over the fire, baking a bread in the coals... this is absolutely wonderful," she smiles widely.

"Thank you. I did have all of you to help."

"Yes, you did, but you still would have done this, even on your own. We only made it happen quicker."

Bucky nods, knowing it's the truth. As he's about to answer, they hear something. It's a hovercraft approaching, with Shuri, Sam, Pietro and JJ on board.

Bucky takes a deep breath and walks over, Wanda in tow. "You guys made it!" he greets cheerfully as the craft comes to a stop and everyone starts to get off.

"Of course we did, you're cooking!" Sam states and walks to Bucky, holding his arms out for a hug.

"So you _do_ like my cooking!" Bucky teases, hugging Sam close before letting him go. Sam pulls a face, trying for nonchalance.

"It's...passable."

"Passable? Is that so?"

Sam pretends to frown deeply, his eyes narrow. "Yeah, well. Wouldn’t write home about it."

"Just Tweet about it, Instagram it and talk about it for weeks!" Pietro adds, coming to Bucky for his hug. Bucky bursts out laughing.

"Ten laps, young man!" Sam pretends to order.

"As long as it's to the kitchen to get us beer," Bucky interrupts. Pietro smiles at that and makes his way to the hut.

"Princess!" Bucky greets Shuri as she barrels into his arms.

"You're enjoying your new arm?"

"Oh, yes... Thank you. It's great to be able to dress properly again."

"Yeah, the sweatpants were getting old!" Sam yells from where he's unpacking some snacks.

"You know what? From now on, it's all I'm wearing. I'll even bring out my own fashion line, with pockets for guns and grenades!" Bucky retorts immediately.

Shuri rolls her eyes. "Well _I'm_ not making them..."

"Ah, Shuri, you wound me... and I was going to give you twenty percent of the profit."

"Oh, wow, _twenty_... Be still my heart. JJ, catch me before I swoon," Shuri bites back. JJ laughs softly at their antics before stepping in front of Bucky, holding out his hand.

"Bucky... thank you for inviting me to your home. I really appreciate it."

Bucky reaches out and shakes the offered hand. This is the man with Steve's smile and Steve's eyes... the man with _Bucky's_ name. The man who dressed as Bucky when he was a small boy.

"You're welcome. To be honest, someone should be the voice of maturity and wisdom in the group."

"Hey!" a chorus yells back.

JJ starts laughing. "I understand. Clearly some guidance is needed."

"Oh, absolutely."

JJ follows Bucky to the seating area, where Pietro already has a bottle open for each of them. While Bucky checks on the fire and food, Sam gives JJ a tour of the hut, explaining what they did and how they fixed it up.

The first thing to go onto the simmering coals is a black pot with bread dough. After a while, Bucky places the meat pieces on the metal grill plate on top of the fire. The atmosphere is light, warm and open, filled with laughter and jokes, old stories and new, sharing experiences and observations.

Somehow, they all avoid talking about Steve, or the fact that he is still frozen in a cryo tank. Shuri has dark circles under her eyes from desperately trying to find a way to fix him, but so far, no luck. Bucky made her come tonight, have a night off, take it easy, relax and be with friends.

He knows tomorrow _he_ is going to take it easy, probably spend the whole day in bed. He's working overtime to stay calm. He has a group of people in his little hut, his and Steve's hideaway... and Steve's oldest son is one of them. He wants to be awkward, to keep his distance, but he can't. He really likes JJ, and he wants to make it a good night for everyone. He can take a time out tomorrow.

Taking the last sip of his beer, he checks up on the steak. "Everyone medium, right?"

"Yes, please," the chorus comes from around the fire.

"Okay, then the food is ready. We can move to the table.”

Sam takes the pot with bread while Bucky carries the tray with meat. Wanda and Shuri go back in to put the salads on the table and get the butter out. JJ picks up all the empty bottles and snack wrappers to throw away. It's all very domestic.

The laughter continues around the table as everyone plates their food. Once they're all done, Bucky turns to JJ.

"I've been meaning to ask, what's that exhibition Sarah is doing? Wanda gave me a pamphlet some time back. I did look at it, but it didn't say much."

"Oh, well... Since she got her Arts degree, she and Dad have this sort of thing, a tradition so to speak, between them. Once a year, they would tackle a project together. Dad did his Fine Arts degree too, once we were all out of diapers, and they'd always do something in winter."

"Like an art exhibit?" Wanda asks as Bucky takes a moment. Steve got an _art degree?_ Bucky always wanted him to do it, go to art school... he worked double shifts, trying to make it happen... and Steve did it without Bucky’s help.

Oblivious, JJ goes on. "Yeah, one year they did a mural, just after 9/11, in remembrance. One year they painted a children's ward at our hospital... They'd work on it for a few weeks, and then have an opening night. Last year they did a theme of _Hope_. Thinking back, I realized Dad chose it as it was just before people came back from the Snap..." JJ stops, his face in a grimace as he remembers that time. He knows now that it was also hope, on Steve’s part, to see his friends again after so many years... and then it all fell apart, with one friend in particular. JJ really wants to talk to his dad about that part - how he didn’t foresee this trouble boggles him. Just thinking about his friends in a similar situation is quite difficult to comprehend.

Bucky bites his lip. Suddenly the atmosphere is a bit tense. "JJ, are you okay?" he asks softly, seeing the frown on his face.

JJ looks up. "Yeah, just, things make a lot more sense thinking back, you know. Guess it's true, time is a great remedy for many ailments."

"I’m sorry if this is bringing back bad memories," Bucky reaches out with his right hand and JJ grabs it.

"Not bad! More... I'm grateful. We have all come so far, we should celebrate that."

Bucky's face turns from tense to understanding. JJ is quite smart. Didn't get _that_ from the dumb punk Bucky grew up with.

"Well, cheers to that. And this food! Bucky, you truly exceeded yourself tonight," Wanda comments as she raises her glass. The others follow straight away.

"Hear, hear!" Pietro echoes.

Sam smiles proudly at Bucky. "Barnes, a moment of truce, okay? Cause this amazing, the food, the table setting... you’re a really great host."

"A great man," JJ agrees and raises his glass as well. Bucky's blush turns his whole face red, but he doesn't mind. He raises his glass too.

Shuri smiles at Bucky with mischief.

"What?" he asks and everyone turns to her.

She shrugs. "I really _should_ try and clone myself a straight version of you. I could eat like this all day."

"Shuri!" Bucky yells but it's futile, everyone around the table bursts out laughing. The atmosphere goes back to relaxed, easy and filled with joy.

When they finally calm down enough, Bucky glances at JJ. "So what's the theme this year?"

JJ sits back. "This year she's doing it alone. She decided after everything that happened, globally and personally, she's going for _Love, Life and Laughter_. The world got a second chance, she got a second chance with Michelle... I'm quite excited to see what she's going to do. It's a massive, 100-meter blank wall she's painting."

"That's impressive. I would love to see it," Bucky answers.

"Really?" JJ asks, not bothering to hide his surprise.

Bucky nods. He means it. He really does. "Yeah, sure."

"Can we come too?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, you're all welcome. It would be great, she'll be thrilled."

"Cool! That's settled then, tell Sarah we'd love to come," Wanda says, smiling broadly.

"Thank you. I will let you know when it is, all the finer details, as I hear it."

Everyone wants to help with cleaning up, but Bucky refuses. Instead, he gets a pot with chocolate pieces, some skewers and a packet of marshmallows. They stare at him.

"Oh come on, the whole point of dinner is dessert!" he grins.

And that's how the night finishes, all of them around the fire. A pot of melted chocolate, marshmallows on a stick, the stars bright overhead. The sounds of animals around them, water rippling in the background, and so much laughter.

Bucky's somehow lost all his anxiety over the visit. He feels at home. Relaxed. It's worth it, by any standards.

He knows that soon, he will have to go back to the Compound with these people. Shuri will stay behind, trying to help Steve. JJ might stay, or he might go back, too.

The New Avengers are waiting for him - Fury already asked him to come back and help Sam out. Hill is at this point running everything alone, Fury in Europe somewhere, busy finding allies across the globe.

Bucky knows he's going back, and he's okay with it. His hut is here, it will be here waiting for him whenever he needs it. Like a long weekend getaway, a safe space to recuperate.

He's already planning on coming twice a month to visit Steve, as well.

He is ready to go back. Maybe not home, not _yet_ a home... but then again, that's okay. _He_ is okay. In fact he would say he is quite well.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The truth is, you are truly wonderful, and I'm glad to have met you. Maybe in another lifetime, another reality... I’m not angry or sad about us anymore, I’m grateful that I had this time with you, a beautiful moment in an ugly world. You deserve everything that's good, and I hope you remember that. Remember what I said? You redeeming yourself is not about some balancing of the world’s scales. You do it because you’re a good man, not in debt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kocuria's note: This chapter comes a day early to celebrate Rose's birthday!  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR! 😘

11 Dec 2024

Today is the day. After several months of absence, Bucky is returning to the States. Ever since he made the decision the other night, at dinner with his best friends – his family - he knew he can't postpone it any longer. The hut is fixed, he is fine, both arms work well enough. And he's needed there.

It still feels weird that Fury calls him for updates and help. Asking him to advise Agent Hill, collaborating on security matters and even the training programs. Hill emailed him Steve's outlines, and Bucky was impressed - then again, he's always impressed when it comes to Steve and his tactical mind. It's strange how he's already thinking about expanding on this. Very little, in fact - the one thing he really wants to bring in is team building, actual bonding. Like he and the guys did the other night, just making dinner on the fire, sharing beers and having a good night. No talk about fighting and training, just having fun and shooting shit.

He wants to live to the fullest again.

He wants to play pranks with Scott, he wants to see him and Hope get married. He wants to get to know Cassie, since Scott never lets a moment pass where he doesn’t talk about her. He wants to train with Pietro, actually see the young man in action. He wants to have a tea party with Morgan, since she invited him - just like they had once, here in Wakanda, all those months ago. He wants to do so many things, travel the world, see what he's missed in the last almost-century.

Agent Hill - Maria, as she asked him to call her - also said that Thor might come visit in the coming weeks, meaning he will finally have a proper chance to talk with him. They briefly met on the battlefield - Bucky's seen him fighting and would love to spar with him. He should prove a challenge.

Bucky narrows his eyes. It also means that he will see the raccoon again, Rocket... who wants his arm.

Still not happening. Especially with the cool upgrades.

The jet is taking all of them back - even JJ. After all this time, he needs to get back to his life and work too. Shuri promised she will keep them all updated every day. There's nothing they can do here for Steve - he is sleeping, but the world moves on. He did it when Bucky was in cryo, going on missions and whatnot. This is just a different type of mission; training the Avengers, becoming a team.

Bucky is already packed. He spent his last night at the hut and made his way out at dawn. The jet leaves at midday, and Bucky needs to say goodbye to a few people. His few bags are already at the hangar, he can just pick up and go.

First, the school. Even though he was a teacher for just a short period of time, he thoroughly enjoyed it. He bonded with the kids. He loves them.

They were sad to see him go, but happy he was okay, that he escaped Yegolide mostly unscathed. He has a small box with gifts and cards that he's taking with him - he never did decorate his room at the Compound. He had to work really hard to keep his composure, otherwise he might have started crying as all the kids insisted on hugging him. He can still feel the small fragile arms around his neck, their breath in his neck, wishing him well.

Next up... well, he's having mixed feelings about this one.

Bucky bites his lip as he stands in the doorway. The scientists are working hard, some bent over a table with samples, others analyzing every inch of the video feed the drones took, typing away. One person in particular stands in the middle of the lab, in front of a huge screen.

Bucky's heart flutters. If only... His feelings for this man will always be something he treasures deeply. This man made him believe again, in love and relationships. This man gave him _hope_.

"Elethu?" Bucky asks, breaking the muttered conversations.

Elethu spins around to face the door, surprised. Bucky smiles softly as Elethu’s face turns from surprise, to wonder, to joy. The wide grin on his face.

"Hey, have a moment?" Bucky asks.

"James! What a lovely surprise, absolutely!" Without looking at the others, Elethu walks towards Bucky and then down the hallway for some privacy. "You are looking very well. I'm sorry I hadn't been able to visit you-" he starts, looking apologetic. Bucky holds his hand up to reassure him.

"It's okay. I know I was unconscious for several days and even after that, a bit groggy. Plus, I take it that with the volcano and everything, you had to put in quite a lot of overtime.”

“Yes, we have weeks’ worth of data, and that’s just the video feeds and samples. It'll keep us busy for _years,_ ” Elethu replies, looking happy at the prospect. Bucky shakes his head, smiling - he can understand it. When it's your passion, it doesn't feel like work.

“I can see that! I heard from Shuri the damage was minimal? And this morning I walked past the lake, it's colder than yesterday, and the day before that... and the day before that.”

Elethu's brow furrows, but he grins. “You’ve been feeling the water every morning?”

“Scanned it,” Bucky answers, holding out his arm and looking sheepish. “I’m kind of scanning _everything_.”

“Everything?” Elethu asks teasingly.

“Yup, this morning I scanned my coffee. I even poured salt in, instead of sugar, the result still came back as ‘coffee’.”

“Did you expect it to be something else?” Elethu laughs.

“Yeah, I mean, how many sugars… full cream or low fat…”

“You take two sugars and full cream,” Elethu states. Bucky looks up, surprised. “See… didn’t need a state of the art arm to tell me that!”

“That’s true,” Bucky replies, a slight blush on his cheeks.

Elethu is quiet for a moment, then says, “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Bucky looks up, gives a nod. “When?”

“Today at noon.” Bucky looks down and sighs.

Elethu takes a step closer, placing his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “You came to say goodbye?”

Bucky nods. “I’m going to miss you...” he replies softly.

“I’m going to miss you too,” Elethu whispers, then looks away.

He knows how _he_ feels, and he knows Bucky cares for him, but he also knows what Steve did, what he hoped for. Elethu might have once stood a chance, but not anymore. Never again, not now that Steve is young.

He doesn’t know if Bucky and Steve talked about it. He knows that they still have a long way to go... but they will. They're inevitable. The fact that they both survived decades frozen in ice already makes you believe in a higher power, the universe pulling strings, and after what Steve did…

It's only a matter of time, two souls coming back into alignment. Two lines on a collision course. When they're both ready, they'll come together again.

“You know… I was so worried, so angry that you stayed behind,” Elethu says slowly, “but you are a good man. A heart worth more than diamonds, a protector’s heart. You can call it by so many names: soldier's duty, redemption... I’m sure we can find so many synonyms, but the truth is, you are truly wonderful, and I'm glad to have met you. Maybe in another lifetime, another reality... I’m not angry or sad about us anymore, I’m grateful that I had this time with you, a beautiful moment in an ugly world. You deserve everything that's good, and I hope you remember that. Remember what I said? You redeeming yourself is not about some balancing of the world’s scales. You do it because you’re a good man, not in debt.”

Bucky takes a few shallows breaths, trying to speak around the lump forming in his throat. “I…”

“'I know', that’s what you should say. ‘I know’, try it,” Elethu admonishes and Bucky snorts. He looks Elethu in the eyes.

“I… I know,” he says firmly.

“There we go! Amazing, ten out of ten.” Elethu grins.

They laugh at that. Bucky looks at the time and swallows - he still needs to make another stop. “I have to go… I still need to pop into Shuri's lab, say goodbye.”

“Thank you for coming to see me. I really appreciate it.”

Bucky's looking at Elethu, wondering if it would be too much to ask for a hug, when Elethu just pulls him in. Bucky melts into it, holding him tight.

“You take care of yourself. Promise me, James? Please take care of yourself. Let your team help you.”

“I will. I promise.”

Saying goodbye was hard, but Bucky walks back to the lab feeling lighter, more at ease. He meant it when he said he'll miss Elethu - they had a great connection. They had good moments, all those amazing memories that Bucky will treasure for as long as he lives.

Next up... Steve. He already said most of his goodbyes to Shuri yesterday, the long speeches, the promises and take care’s… They both cried, spent more time hugging than talking.

He knows JJ and the others were in the lab earlier. Bucky timed his goodbye to be alone. It’s the first time he's back here since that other time, when he bumped into JJ. He wanted to come before, but couldn’t. Just _thinking_ about Steve in cryo makes him want to scream.

The lab is empty and Bucky smiles to himself. Shuri. She knew what he planned, and made it easier for him. He really loves that girl.

Steve is at the exact same spot, still sleeping peacefully, frozen in time. Still young. Bucky doesn’t think he will ever get used to seeing Steve’s face, not feel a familiar heartbeat skipping that first second like he's a lovesick teenager...

But a part of him will always rage about what Steve did, just walking away like that when Bucky needed him after the Snap. That’s something they'll have to work on. If they don’t, his anger _will_ come back to haunt them, something that will fester between them. He needs to make peace with those bad thoughts, the doubt and the pain he feels when he thinks about it. He needs to accept it and move on.

They have so much to talk about.

“Hey, Stevie… guess I’m leaving you again. I would much rather stay here, believe me, but hey, duty calls and all that. Actually, I’m making slight adjustments to your training program, we need more fun days. I’m old, I want fun now...” Bucky adds, trying to smirk. Taking a step closer, he stands in front of the glass, his breath fogging it. They're so close.

“Listen… we _need_ to talk. Please, hang in here... Shuri will get you better, and then we need to have a talk, Steve, a real serious one. The others told me what you did, what you said before doing that procedure. I never thought that your motivation could be guilt. And never, not once, that you- that you may feel- fuck. Fuck, why is this so hard? Feel- feel as I- Shuri confirmed what you said, she mentioned other times, too. That first appointment you had, for one… and Wanda... Please, Stevie… I still feel your lips on mine, every damn time I close my eyes. I still hear your words. 'It’s not, I promise,' that’s what you said! We need to talk, _please!”_

Bucky takes a breath, closing his eyes.

“I bonded with JJ, you know, and I’m going to Sarah’s art exhibition next month - all of us are, actually… So, you know, don’t know if you'll be well by then? But I'd love to go there with _you,_ Steve,” his breath hitches.

“I've got to go. Shuri promised she will keep us updated, and... I fixed my - our - hut. Since you wanted that ‘in’. I hope you still do. We went with your design, the fire pit is amazing, the extra room… and the garden… you'll love to sit and sketch there.”

Bucky looks to his watch. Time to go.

“I will come again, soon. Two weeks, already arranged to have the Friday off, make it a long weekend.”

Bucky steps away and looks at the man behind the glass. His keeps his hand on the surface as long as he can, his eyes red. It's like every little inch away is a fight.

“See ya, Stevie.”

Turning around, he almost sprints to the hangar. He can wait for the others at the jet.

They arrive back at the compound before dinner. Bucky makes up an excuse, unpacking and freshening up, before meeting the rest at the mess hall. The place looks amazing, security up and running, lights everywhere, state of the art.

Bucky still misses his small hut in Wakanda.

His room is just like he left it. His Wakandan blanket rumpled on the bed, a photo of him and Steve before the war on the nightstand, the walls still bare. He looks at the box with the kids' drawings - he will put them up after dinner. He wants a citronella candle, too, to remind him of Wanadan nights.

He can see the slight indention on the bed, as if someone sat there... Steve. Wanda told him, he would come to Bucky’s room nearly every day, sitting on the bed, looking at the photo.

There’s a printed schedule for tomorrow set out on his desk - a meeting with Fury at eight, then Hill at ten, then the security guards... Lunch and then he has the afternoon off, getting reacquainted with the rest of the team.

Scott and Hope are out tonight, and Bruce is having dinner with Pepper. So, it's just him, Wanda, Pietro, Sam and JJ, who will go back home tomorrow.

Bucky picks up the photo, the two young men, now out of time, and smiles, looking around the room.

“This time, I am fine. Truly fine,” Bucky whispers softly, before leaving to have dinner with his family.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Princess?”  
>  _“I did it.”_  
>  Bucky’s mouth falls open, his eyes wide. No greeting, no small talk. He was right. “W-what?”  
>  _“I did it. I found the formula that will stabilize him.”_

01 March 2025

  
“Ten minutes, we’re timing you!” Sam yells, and Bucky laughs, making his way to his room.

“Yes, I heard you!” Bucky yells back.

It’s Saturday movie night at the Compound for those staying here, the permanent residents - Bucky, Sam, Wanda and Pietro, and Bruce. The others come and go during the week, but leave on the weekends to spend time with their families. Bucky and Wanda spent the day outside, and he's dying for a shower before he can even _think_ about relaxing on a couch.

There's going to be fluffy blankets and tons of food. He can't _wait._

It's been four months since the volcano incident, as Bucky came think of it. Four months since he got stranded in a cave and rescued by Steve. Shuri, as promised, sends them daily updates on Steve's condition, and swears she's very close to a solution. Bucky has all the faith in the world in her, but every passing week frays him more and more. He just wants _Steve._

These few months back in the States he's tried to keep quite busy.

He's found a local therapist, not connected to SHIELD, and started seeing them on a regular basis.

He and Fury somehow hit it off amazingly. Both are excellent at reading people and making sound judgement calls. The new SHIELD being built together with Hill and Sam is going to be stronger than ever. Safe and reliable, run by trustworthy people who stand for the greater good.

Bucky and Hill get on like a house on fire. Bucky enjoys her humour _and_ her skills. They spar on weekends, the ones he doesn't spend in Wakanda. She's a formidable woman, one he's learned never to underestimate.

Thor and his group have visited over Christmas holidays, and Bucky was right. He and Thor connected instantly, they even sparred and Bucky heard he was a 'worthy opponent'. When Thor heard about Steve - _everything_ about Steve, from being old, to young again, to being stuck in a cryo tank, to his feelings - he pulled Bucky into a tight hug and said, ”I understand.” Funny thing is, Bucky _believes_ him.

Rocket, as suspected, is still throwing hints about his arm, especially since he found out about the upgrades (Bucky just _had to_ try and scan him). They got into a heated debate - then Groot interjected something and both Bucky and Rocket yelled "Exactly!" at the same time. That caused a stunned silence and Bucky was informed that _no, not everyone_ understands Groot. Rocket forgot about the arm for a full day in his excitement. Bucky doesn’t know what makes him special - maybe he's just _that_ good at reading people... or aliens. Needless to say, he bonded with the Guardians quickly.

All in all, Bucky feels like he's finally moving on from everything that happened in his past. He's shaking off the horrors and embracing his new life. He's got a new codename - no longer the Winter Soldier, but the White Wolf. Shuri is designing him a uniform, something that he can wear with pride. He begged her, “Just not a catsuit like T’Challa!” causing her to snort her juice through her nose. He still feels it was a close call.

Bucky kicks off his shoes, making his way to the bathroom. Showering and some comfy sweatpants, that's just what he feels like. And the movie! It's sci-fi tonight, there's bound to be some laughs, comments about inevitable inaccuracies… It's going to be _awesome._

His room is decorated now - one wall filled with photos and postcards and drawings. His eyes catch the most recently added one, with him and almost all of Steve’s family, plus the Avengers. One big group photo.

As promised, they all went to Sarah's exhibition. She was a bit upset that her dad wasn't there, that she had to do it alone for the first time, but she worked through it. Bucky also met Michelle and can honestly say, Sarah was able to pull through because she had a strong and healthy support system. She looked radiant with Michelle - and the Rogers-Carter family accepted them both immediately.

And _Bucky,_ too.

He wasn't sure how to act or what to do that evening - feeling awkward, like an intruder. The man who made their dad take a huge risk and landed him in cryostasis. _Steve_ was supposed to be there that night, with his family, not _Bucky_.

Wanda stayed by his side the whole time, making sure he was okay - he tried, he really did, but he didn’t stay long. He couldn’t. The longer the night went on, the more his mind would torment him - from telling him he would never fit in, to giving him painful reminders of how long he was actually gone from Steve's life - how many years he lived happily without Bucky. Then the voices would tell him about the cave - that it couldn’t possibly be real, that it was just in his head... Well before the night was over, he had to leave. He felt like a volcano about to erupt, with nowhere to go. Somehow, JJ saw, and he and Wanda helped him slip out. JJ said he would make an excuse for him, and Bucky was so grateful. Wanda struggled to keep up with him, but they _ran_ all the way back to the Compound, Wanda finally using her powers to fly and let him expel his nervous energy. By the time they got to the Compound, he was calm again. His suit was ruined, though.

It will be a while before he meets them all again - it’s not that he wants to stay away, he just needs to... take small steps.

He gets out of the shower and runs the towel through his hair, shorter than ever before - it's easier to handle like this. Just as he's reaching for his clothes, his phone rings. Rolling his eyes, he looks at the screen, hoping it's not work-related.

Shuri.

Bucky’s stomach drops out. He knows it has to do with Steve. He hears from her every day, but she’s _calling_ now, not Skype or a beads video-call, a normal phone call. Steeling himself, he answers.

“Princess?”

_“I did it.”_

Bucky’s mouth falls open, his eyes wide. No greeting, no small talk. He was right.

“W-what?”

_“I did it. I found the formula that will stabilize him.”_

“Are you certain?” Bucky's not sure he's breathing right. Or at all.

_“100%”_

“Okay, so… when? Did you already-”

 _“No, I tried it on a sample of his blood. It works,”_ Shuri replies, her voice strong and sure.

“That's amazing. I knew you could do it. _You_ are amazing.”

_“Thank you.”_

“So, when are you going to give it to him?” Bucky's jittering with energy.

_“We’re bringing him out of cryo as we speak. It will be twelve hours until he's fully back to his normal body temperature, and he will wake around then. We are going to give him the formula the moment his blood circulation can take it. I don’t want to risk another seizure.”_

Bucky nods. He looks at his watch. Twelve hours… “I’m coming over.”

He can hear the smile in Shuri’s reply. _“I know, that’s why I’m calling_ now.”

“I’m going to call JJ, I think he wants to come too. Maybe Sam-Anthony and Sarah as well? I will call you when I know, as soon as we fly out.”

_“I will have the rooms prepared. You want a room here or…”_

“The hut… please.”

 _“It’s your home. Of course. See you soon!”_ He can hear she's still smiling. She must be so relieved.

“Yeah… see you soon. And, Princess… _thank you_.”

_“You’re welcome, Brother.”_

Bucky hangs up the phone and lets out a long breath.

Steve is being _woken up_ , Steve is going to be _okay_. He is going to be okay! Young, healthy… with children and grandchildren near the same age, or even older than him…

Oh.

“Where does this leave me?” he whispers.

He sags on the edge of the bed, putting his head in his hands. He should get dressed. He should call JJ. He should tell the others… Sam and Wanda will want to come with, and Pietro… wait, no, he has a date…

As if on fire, Bucky puts on his boxers and jeans before rushing out to the living area. Sam and Wanda are already sitting on the sofas, the popcorn ready.

“Get dressed!” he orders, pulling his T-shirt over his head. The others jump up.

“What’s the emergency?” Sam asks, already up and halfway to him.

“Shuri did it! They're defrosting Steve.”

Their eyes grow big, their mouths falling open.

“ _What?”_ Wanda asks.

“Yup, we're flying as soon as possible. I’m calling JJ to invite him over too, so, yeah… If anyone wants to come with, pack a bag.” Without another word, Bucky turns around and walks back to his room to pack, his phone by his ear. “JJ, hey… So, uhm, got some news…”

Wanda and Sam stare at his retreating back before turning to each other.

“Is it weird than I’m happy but also…” Wanda asks softly.

“Scared, anxious, worried… all of those?” Sam finishes and Wanda nods. “Yeah, me too, girl, me too… Let’s go and pack.”

  
  


Two hours later Bucky's standing in the hangar, Sam and Wanda next to him, when JJ’s familiar car stops close by. All three Rogers siblings get out, each with a bag in hand. They rush over to them, their eyes hopeful.

“They’re waking Dad up?”

Bucky nods, and repeats everything Shuri told him. Sam takes over after, helping them all get settled in the jet, while Bucky and Wanda put the bags away. Bucky takes the pilot seat and fires it up. It's going to be a tense ride, everyone with the same thought running through their heads.

 _What does this mean for_ me?

  
  


They're all sitting in the hallway. Steve's awake and being run through every possible test and scenario, to make sure he is indeed 100% healthy. Shuri told them, when they arrived at the lab around six in the morning, that everything is okay. He's doing well. She did explain everything to Steve when he woke up - what happened, what he went through, how long he's been under. Steve was understandably upset, had many questions... but above all, he wanted to see Bucky and his family.

The family decided that Bucky should go first, to ease Steve’s mind - the last time he saw Bucky, he was unconscious, his head split open, one arm missing and the other broken.

The door opens and Shuri steps out. “Bucky, you can go in now.”

Bucky stands up and walks over to Shuri, who's trying to reassure him with her eyes and having about 50% success rate. Standing in front of the door, he glances back to the others sitting there. They're smiling, showing their support and confidence, their belief that things will work out. For who, exactly, he isn’t sure. He tries to return the smile, but fails.

Taking a breath, he opens the door, walks in and closes it carefully. He can feel Steve’s eyes on him. Steve must have been staring at the door... Bucky straightens his shoulders like he's going into battle, and turns.

Bucky knew what to expect, but expectations and reality are seldom the same. Seeing his soft hair, his red lips - then frozen, and now full of life - it's two completely different things. His eyes were closed, and now they're boring into Bucky. Steve's skin is still pale, but he looks good. He looks _healthy_. Bucky keeps his eyes locked on Steve’s as he walks to the side of the bed and sits down. Steve is smiling, his eyes filled with hope, with joy, with promise... it makes Bucky’s heart flutter.

He needs to be strong. There's a lot to talk about. They have to do this _right_.

“Hi, Stevie,” Bucky breaks the ice, his voice quiet and easy. Steve’s mouth turns up into a wide smile.

“Hey, Buck.”

“It’s _so_ good to see you, you have no idea... You look good, are you feeling okay?” Bucky keeps his hands folded together. If he doesn’t, he might touch Steve to make sure he's real.

If he touches Steve _now_ , he'll never let go.

“Yes! Shuri said the serum and cell complex have finally merged together instead of trying to cancel each other out? I have no idea how she made it work, but she did. I feel fine. Kinda cold, but fine.”

Bucky smiles proudly. “She _is_ amazing.”

“Yes, she is… She, uhm, told me how long I was under? And how Wanda and Sam got us out…”

“Your lips were blue,” Bucky remembers. “You had an asthma attack, didn’t you? After the seizure?”

Steve nods. “I, uhm, woke up… felt different. My back was sore, and I had some difficulty breathing, yes.”

“Is it fixed now?” Bucky asks, looking to the screens surrounding them, then back at Steve.

“No. The scoliosis is back, the asthma too, but not as bad as before. I can manage it with medicine, physiotherapy for the back, oh, and apparently I have allergies, too? Again.”

“Plus, you’re what, 6 inches shorter than before?”

“Yes. About.”

Bucky finally takes a deep breath and relaxes a bit, leaning back in his chair. “You'll be okay though. I mean, the medical advancements… Your biggest problem is your wardrobe! Can’t do grandpa shirts now!” Bucky tries to lighten the mood. Steve chuckles, so he must've said _something_ right.

“Yeah. God, Nat used to throw a fit at my khakis!” Steve fires back.

Bucky smiles sadly. He wishes he had more time to get to know her again, the Natalia freed from the chains that bound her to her past. But... what's done is done.

“Are you okay now?” Steve asks after a moment. “Your arm… I see Shuri got you a new one?”

“Oh, you should see the upgrades! I'm very impressed... and rarely bored,” Bucky adds as an afterthought. He still tries to scan everything. He wiggles his metal fingers at Steve playfully.

“Buck?” Steve’s voice is hesitant. This is _it_ , Bucky knows, this is where Steve is going to want to talk about the cave and what happened.

“Yeah?” Bucky asks with trepidation.

“Do you remember what happened before my seizure? In the cave?”

As if he had seizures anywhere else.

“Yeah… we need to talk, don’t we?” Bucky sighs.

“I meant what I said. I’m sorry you had to wait months for me to confirm that, I know you thought you hallucinated me…”

Bucky snorts and looks away, his eyes filling with tears. “I did… I talked to Wanda and Sam, it was eating away at me…”

“I’m so sorry.”

Bucky nods.

His eyes catch the door. Steve’s kids… they're waiting to see their dad… Bucky can wait, he has to. Steve’s kids should be the priority now, not his feelings. _Or_ Steve’s.

Bucky looks up. Steve is still staring at Buck with hope. With... love?

“I know we need to talk,” Bucky says, “there's _so much_ to discuss. A lot has happened in these past few months, too. I met your children, your whole family. We went to Sarah’s exhibition, she’s got so much talent… Anyway. I brought them along, they're desperate to see you. They've missed you so much. You did such a good job with them, Stevie… they're all incredible…” Bucky swallows the lump growing in his throat. Steve's biting his lips, tears running down his face. Bucky stands up to leave, but Steve grabs his arm.

“Buck.”

Bucky doesn't fight his instinct as he leans down - he pulls Steve into a tight hug. Steve melts into him, crying silently. Bucky holds him tight and realizes – viscerally, finally - that once again Steve, his Stevie, is smaller than him. Fitting in the crook of Bucky’s neck, just like always.

“It’s okay, Stevie… I won’t go far. I'll come back later. Just… they already gave me the honour of seeing you first… I can’t hoard you all to myself, now can I?” Bucky lets go, and Steve tries to smile through the tears. His face is red, his eyes puffy. He's the most beautiful thing Bucky's ever seen.

“You’ll come back?” Steve asks, hope wild in his eyes.

“Yeah, I will bring you some food too…”

“Those cinnamon thingies?”

Bucky chortles at that through his tears. “Yeah, sure will.” Steve nods and wipes his eyes as Bucky steps back and makes his way to the door. “Oh, Sam and Wanda are also here! Pietro was too busy going on a date…”

Bucky opens the door. Steve can see the side of Bucky’s face - he smiles, and then to Steve’s surprise, Sarah throws her arms around him, hugging him close. Sam-Anthony pats his back and walks into the room, followed by JJ, who shares a look with Bucky over Sarah’s shoulder. Bucky gives them the thumbs up and lets Sarah go.

Bucky tilts his head at Steve catching his eye and smiling. Steve wants to say something, anything, but then all three kids pull him into a group hug. Steve grabs on to them, sobs wracking his body.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Steve…”  
> “Where do we go from here, Buck? Do I still have a chance?”  
> Bucky opens his eyes. That's the question, isn’t it? It all comes down to this - is there still a chance for them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For real-life reasons, next chapter will probably come on Sunday instead of Saturday.  
> Keep fingers crossed for kocuria 🙂

02 March 2025

  
As promised, Bucky does come back that evening with the promised snacks, but Steve's asleep. The day wore him out - Bucky heard from Shuri that the kids stayed for a long time, Sam and Wanda joining at some point. Bucky can understand why Steve is tired, physically and emotionally. They had a lot to talk about - it's not every day that your elderly dad becomes a young man... Decades of a new life ahead of him, with a very real expectation to outlive them, all of them. That cannot be easy.

Bucky watches as Steve sleeps. He still has an IV with fluids, his body needs to flush out whatever's left of the serum and the cell repair complex. Even in sleep, there is a frown on his face. His subconscious is aware of the tension, of things changing, and it shows. Bucky briefly considers waking him up, but decides against it. Instead, he looks at Steve a minute longer, cataloging all the details. This so much more like the man he grew up with... his Stevie. He likes it, but then again, it's _Steve_ \- big, or small, or anywhere in-between, Bucky will love him anyway. Bucky's heart doesn't care about the package. He loves the man, his heart and soul. Sighing, Bucky places his cinnamon thingies on the hospital tray next to the bed, and writes a quick note promising he'll come back tomorrow.

After that he goes to his hut, needing to be alone with his thoughts. Around 11PM, there's a knock on his door, Wanda and Sam bearing their bags.

“We know you've got the space, move over, Barnes,” Sam grins at him.

They talk for hours, finally falling asleep when the sky is already starting to turn pink.

Sam and Wanda go back in the morning, but Bucky decides to go in a bit later... when they can be alone, have that long discussion without any interruptions. He drags himself towards the palace garden instead, sitting down on one of the stone benches. He needs another moment. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, hands folded, head hanging low.

“The ground interesting?” Bucky looks up to see Steve standing a few steps away, dressed in a white pair of drawstrings trousers and a white A-shirt - just like the ones Bucky got for his cryo stint. The standard hospital gear, here.

“You’re out?” Bucky asks, surprised.

“Yeah… I’m being released to the room I was staying in when I came here for the wedding. Apparently all my stuff is still there.”

“Yeah, we left it, cause, you know, we thought it might come in handy? Well, maybe not the clothes…”

“Oh, shush, you,” Steve jokes and moves to sit next to Bucky, but Bucky stands up.

“Want to take a walk?”

Steve thinks, then nods. "Yes, I'd actually love to stretch my legs."

They start to walk down the small pathway towards the lake. Side by side, quiet.

"Where's your gang?" Bucky asks. He hasn't heard from the Rogers kids since last night. He knows they had a deep conversation - he can't even imagine how _that_ went.

"They, ah... needed some time."

"Right..." He can understand that.

Steve looks better today - still pale, walking a bit slow, but definitely stronger than yesterday.

"Sam and Wanda came by,” Steve breaks the silence. “He's with General Okoye now, and Wanda went to meet with Shuri."

“Those two alone...” Bucky groans.

They share a smile.

"Thanks for the cinnamon thingies," Steve says.

"You're welcome. Shuri sent me the recipe and I've been making them regularly at the Compound, it's a hit over there as well. The kitchen had to take over after I got too busy with work, though."

“You _made_ those?” Steve sounds shocked. Bucky just smiles at his starstruck expression. "Do you even know what they are called, by now?"

"It was on the recipe, but I scratched it out. It's thingies, and that's that."

Steve's laugh is soft and fond and Bucky swallows. It's just like Brooklyn, like walking in Prospect Park with his old Stevie. Hair shiny in the sun, those gold streaks...

Steve looks back at Bucky, noticing his reverie. "How's the Compound?" he finally asks.

"Good, the training is back on track. I've made a few small changes, added more fun times, cause, you know... it's fun. They enjoy it, and they _need_ it. Cassie even brought her boyfriend one day. Scott was way overprotective, it was fun to watch. Hope just kept smiling."

"Are they engaged yet?" Steve asks curiously.

"Yes. Scott finally got the guts to pop the question a few weeks ago," Bucky smiles.

"That's good, he's been trying really hard to get in Hank's good books,” Steve remembers. “Janet loves him _and_ Cassie... she always said they're a breath of fresh air, with his personality and her energy. Hank admires him, he's proud of him, but Hope's his little girl... he has to be a bit of a hard-ass, it's a given."

Bucky can only smile. It’s not as if he has experience, but he does know hard-ass dads... Some that had such high hopes for their daughters, marriage and white picket fence, never knowing they didn't like men at all.

Bucky shakes his head to clear it of the past. No use going back.

"Fury and Hill treating you alright?" Steve asks, his frown back, the way he used to get seeing someone being mistreated. Bucky can understand it - after all, with Steve's absence, he has to work with people he never did before. Some of them, he's actually fought. Tried to kill. Almost succeeded.

"Oh, yes. I like Fury, he's got a real good head on his shoulders, and he really cares. We hardly ever disagree. I know where he's coming from, and he knows where I'm at, and we meet in the middle. He's stubborn, but I'm used to dealing with stubborn men." Bucky looks at Steve with a smirk and a knowing look.

Steve looks sheepish. Yeah, he knows Bucky's used to _stubborn_.

"And Hill, and the others?" Steve asks quickly.

"I love Maria, she's such a spitfire. A quick learner, too, very attentive to detail and people's words and body language, she can read a situation very quickly. We’ve been sparring on the weekends I wasn’t here in Wakanda, she's a force to be reckoned with. I know why Fury trusts her so much, I do too," Bucky doesn't keep the pride and wonder out of his voice, his face open.

Steve's face falls. "Are you two..."

Bucky whips about to face him. "What?"

"You know, the way you talk..."

"No! Dammit, Steve, really? You know I'm gay, right? As in, I like men, sleep with men?"

"Yeah, but I thought you were more bi than gay? Like me?" Steve's eyes widen into blue saucers. Bucky wants to say something, but stops, seeing the wheels turning in Steve's head. He's clearly never sat down to figure out what to actually call himself. Bucky wonders if it came up yesterday when he was talking to his kids.

"You've never admitted it to yourself or said it out loud, have you?" Bucky asks, standing in front of Steve. They stopped walking, almost out of the palace grounds, near the edge of the lake. The rocks and trees are closer together, there's more wildlife, too.

Bucky sees a rock formation about ten steps away and leads Steve to it. They might as well have that talk now. Steve follows him and flops down.

“No… I haven’t.” He looks stunned.

“Feeling a bit overwhelmed?” Bucky asks knowingly.

Steve nods again. “Yeah… was it the same for you?”

“Uh, yeah… Both times, actually, back in ’32, and then here, in Wakanda.”

“Fifteen? You were fifteen?” Steve asks, his eyes zeroing in on Bucky.

Bucky nods and sits next to Steve, looking towards the trees. “Yeah, uhm… Do you remember when we would go skinny dipping?”

“Yeah, until one summer you flat-out refused, claiming you’re a man now and will no longer be caught doing such silly things… You were, like, fif- oh.”

Bucky laughs softly. “Glad to see you’re still sharp.”

“Buck-”

“It’s okay. I learned to live with it, to hide it. Had to. But you don’t, not in today’s world. Does the gang now?”

“The kids?” Steve asks and Bucky nods.

“Yeah… We had a long conversation yesterday. I didn’t realize that they knew _everything_. That after my - well, when I had to be placed under - that Shuri had to call them, prepare them, and they kept asking questions. Sam and the others told them everything. Even-”

“About me. I know,” Bucky replies, still looking away.

Steve turns to face him.

Bucky's known how he felt about Steve for so long, and he hid it. He never said anything. If Steve didn’t confront him that fateful night at the Compound, he still probably wouldn’t have said anything. Who knows where they'd have ended up? Would Bucky and Cody still be sleeping together? Would Bucky still be addicted? Would they even be friends? They weren’t, really, not when Steve came back. They were too different, two strangers. They had nothing in common. Steve can see that, how they would have drifted apart. And he would have hurt Bucky more, so much more.

“I’m sorry.”

Bucky turns his head, staring in Steve’s eyes. They're filled with so much regret, so much pain and self-condemnation.

“Steve, you don’t have to apologize anymore.”

“I’m apologizing for my selfishness. All those years, when we were young, and after the ice... I took you for granted.”

“You don’t have to, we’ve covered it in our emails… I get it,” Bucky answers.

Steve reaches out and cups Bucky’s cheek. Bucky closes his eyes, feeling the softness of the hand on his face. The last time Steve did that, they kissed. The hand is smaller, now, but still so soft.

“I’m still sorry. I allowed my ignorance and naivety to hurt you. I allowed my need to prove myself hurt you, over and over. I should never have done that.”

“Steve…”

“Where do we go from here, Buck? Do I still have a chance?”

Bucky opens his eyes. That's the question, isn’t it? It all comes down to this - is there still a chance for them?

Can Bucky let go of the past, of his pain and anger, and forgive Steve for everything? Is he going to allow his feelings about the past destroy what could be a great future?

Will Steve be able to let go of his past, of his family's expectations? Steve’s kids know about Steve’s feelings, they know about Bucky’s, but can they really watch their dad be with another man? Watch him start a whole new life, one they may only be part of for a small while? Will they be okay with it?

This is so messed up.

“Buck?” Steve’s voice is scared, dejected.

“I… Stevie, I want to say yes, with everything in me, but there’s so much going on.”

“I understand.” Steve pulls his hands back, curling it into a loose fist. Bucky reaches out and grabs it.

“Do you?”

“What?”

 _“Do you_ understand? Everyone knows how I feel about you. Do you? I have loved you my entire life. I always will. I went back into the past and caused a version of myself to die, because…” Bucky stops. It only hits him now, that if his Steve's been in love with Bucky all his life, did _that_ Bucky's Steve…

No. He can’t think about that now.

Steve makes a hurt sound. “I- you know I love you, too, always have. I pushed it down so hard. I had my reasons… but-”

“You’re going to _outlive_ them, Steve, do you know that?” Bucky barrels over Steve. “Your kids. You have an entire life ahead of you. Are they okay, knowing that they'll only be a part of your life for, what, maybe a quarter of it? Are _you_ okay with that? You’re closer in age to your grandchildren, now. You will one day have to bury your kids. Your _kids,_ Stevie. Can you be with me, even though you won’t be able to be with _them_ always? Can you even _think_ about starting something new with me while all of this is still so fresh?” Bucky sounds desperate now, his eyes red. Steve has tears running down his face, too.

“Buck-”

“If we decided to move forward with this, will they be okay seeing you with me, a man? Making new memories, living a new life?”

“They know how we feel,” Steve repeats, his voice growing desperate, too.

“Yes, but have you thought further than that, at all? I love you, Steve. That won’t ever change, but if we do this, we both need time. We both need to go into it with a clear head, all the cards on the table. If we don't, it will crash, and it will be so much worse than before. I can't bear to _have_ you and then _lose_ you _again._ ”

“What are you saying?” Steve’s voice is small, his knuckles white from where his hand clenches Bucky’s. Their four hands are intertwined and holding tight, trying to say everything their minds and mouths can’t. Stay together, regardless of the circumstances, the obstacles.

Bucky sighs and takes a deep breath, looking away, then down at their hands. He brings them up and kisses Steve’s knuckles, pale and white against his metal hand. Smaller, too – again.

“I’m saying that maybe... maybe one day we can move forward, take a chance and see where we’re going, together. As much as I love you, we need more than love, sweetheart, a whole lot more. We need to be able to walk forward into a future with both feet facing forward, not looking back. “

“So, we need to… wait? Take time apart?” Steve asks, voice breaking.

“No. I don’t want to be apart from you, ever again,” Bucky replies immediately. The relief on Steve's face is instant and breathtaking.

“Thank _god,_ neither do I,” he says vehemently.

Bucky chooses his words carefully. “I think we should… wait, though. Take it slow.”

“Slow?” Steve's confused.

“When we go back, I’m going to continue to see a therapist. I'm discovering who I am, what my new mission in life is, what I'm meant to do. I love what I do at the Compound, I love my blog and the idea of reaching people, inspiring them to move forward.” Bucky takes a deep breath. “You should go back and do the same. Find a therapist, because you have a lot of things to deal with. Your past, your future, your past _again_ … and this _new_ future. You need to find your place as a young man again. You need to make peace with the decision you made doing that procedure. The consequences of it. I will… I will ask you out… some day. Someday soon. But before that, we both need to be free from our past. You need to talk to your kids, make sure they understand the implications of this. Make sure _you_ understand the implications, and then… then, we can try. Is that okay?”

Steve blinks his eyes to clear the blurriness from all the tears. Bucky is right, they shouldn’t be hasty with this. Bucky needs to know he can trust Steve. That Steve meant what he said about loving him too - because at this moment, Bucky has no reason to believe him.

Bucky's right. Steve hasn’t even had time for the _immediate_ consequences of him being young again to sink in. The thought that he will outlive his children, that he will have to-

“Steve?” This time it's Bucky that sounds unsure, scared. Steve lets go of Bucky’s hands to cup his cheeks.

“I understand. You are right. I will do this right, I owe you to do it right, but... I owe it to me, too. I will make you proud of me. I will show you you can trust me with your heart. I haven’t shown you, all these years... and you never took it back, you never gave up on me. I don't deserve it, not yet. But I will. I swear, I will. I will wait. For you, and only for you.”

Bucky’s face opens in a smile, and he pulls Steve back into his arms, clinging to him. “Thank you, Stevie,” he whispers, shaking with all the emotions tearing through him.

“No, thank you, James Buchanan Barnes. You're worth it, you're worth _everything_ ,” Stevie replies, holding him tight. He's scared of what the future holds, more than he's willing to admit - but he knows it won’t be like this forever. He has a second chance... or a third? A fourth?

It’s one he is going to treasure above all others. He will prove his worth to Bucky. He will wait.

  
  


They spend the rest of the weekend catching up on the past few months. By Monday, Bucky, Wanda and Sam are packed and ready to go back. Shuri insisted that Steve stays for a week, for observation and daily tests, and the kids decided to stay too - they have a lot to talk about. Bucky offered to make arrangements for them next week - he will either come in the jet himself, or send someone.

Bucky and Shuri spend a long afternoon alone, before Bucky leaves, and Bucky tells her what happened. What he and Steve agreed on. Shuri bursts out crying, repeating how proud she is of him. That he made the right decision - one for _him,_ not for others.

As the jet lifts off into the Wakandan skies, both Bucky and Steve are thinking about one thing. They both know that it's just a matter of time - that one day they _will_ be together, and that they should take it one day at a time. Bucky has the support of his found family - his two sisters. Steve has his kids. Their friends are at the Compound, rooting for them.

They are not alone. They can do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated timeline for the story (click [HERE](https://i.imgur.com/fIIfYUZ.png) for full size):
> 
> (and the timeline for part 1, _The Power of Five Seconds_ , can be found [HERE](https://i.imgur.com/u0ogEGA.png))


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 22 April 2025  
> Karaoke night! Yes, it is a week night. No, we do not care. We've worked hard, and tonight we will sing together. Or apart. Or both! #karaoke #singing #funnight #familynight  
> @MyNameIsBucky

10 March 2025 (journal)

I was born today, March 10, 1917. 108 years ago. It was a Saturday. A weekend baby.

I fell in 1945, in January, when I was 27 years old. The time I spent with Hydra, actually awake, is around about 3 years, 4 maximum. And by 'awake' I mean the parts that I remember being _myself,_ and not triggered as the Soldier. So when Steve fought me, I was 31 years old. Then came the two years on the run, making me 33, then going back under in Wakanda, then the five years being Snapped... and then, alive, back again. I struggle to do the maths, I used to be great at it, so maybe I just don’t want to. If I do, I'd have to face the fact that I'm about 34 years old this year - meaning that for 69 years, I was someone else. An Asset, tortured and brainwashed, ordered to kill. Rinse and repeat. That means that 67% of my life on this Earth was not my own. 33% was mine... exactly one-third. I was allowed to be Bucky Barnes for a third of my life.

It’s not what I was going to write about... I mean, it’s supposed to be a happy day, and it was. I knew it was my birthday today, but I didn’t think the others would remember... but they did. And they exceeded all my expectations.

A PARTY!

They threw me a party. So many people were there - Scott and Hope, Cassie and Benjamin, her boyfriend. Hank and Janet, Happy and Pepper and little Morgan. Peter and his aunt, MJ and Ned, Bruce and even Thor. Hill was there, and Fury made an appearance.

The biggest surprise though… Shuri arranged for Steve and his family to fly back, but didn’t tell me they would come early and join the party. I expected them later in the afternoon, not in the early morning - and not in my boxers while going to grab my first cup of coffee! I don’t think I’ve ever blushed so much in my life - and I was caught literally in flagrante last year! It took me ten minutes to muster enough strength and courage to look them all in the eye. That’s great, hey? Me, a master assassin, a warrior with enhanced hearing, and I missed Shuri’s surprise.

But I loved it. It was an amazing day. While I got dressed, Steve walked with me to put his bags away. He did some shopping, actually wearing _jeans_ like a regular person, and he looked so happy. I don’t know what happened this week, what he and his kids talked about, but he looked... so much better.

Everyone knew what he did, but I don’t think they were prepared to see the size difference. He's shorter than he was before, lighter, muscles smaller, but he's still _Steve._ Same eyes, same smile, even the same damn cowlick.

All in all, it was a good day. It was fun being with everyone, having fun, laughing, making jokes, eating cake. And there was a big, _massive_ cake.

After lunch the ‘Rogers gang’, as we started calling them, had to leave. I walked out with them to the hangar, then found a heap of pallets outside and sat down to give them some privacy. When they left, Steve joined me.

One of the hardest decisions I ever had to make was to tell him to wait, back in Wakanda. To give it time... sitting there, with him, under the stars made me second-guess it. I should feel the serenity of my age, but a part of me was buzzing with potential, just under my skin. That was my favourite part of my birthday - Steve and me, somehow together. I kept thinking, should I really wait? Is this destiny? Fate?

We sat there for twenty minutes, just looking at each other and talking softly, when we heard someone yelling for me. Already gone too long. We didn’t even talk that whole time, but it was still one of the best moments of connection we’ve had since we both woke up in this new world.

As we walked back to the hall, he said he had a gift for me, that he had to get it from his room. I can’t wait to see it, I really can’t wait. The last gift I got from him was a bottle of whiskey and a drawing of our Howlies. There was also a candle stuck in a soup can and some off-key singing. I don’t think he can top that, but I’ll have to wait and see. He left early, saying he's tired. I'll probably find out tomorrow.

Huh… there’s a knock at the door? Could it be...?

19 March 2025 (Instagram) @MyNameIsBucky

We just got back from our first real mission. It was a bit of a long one, three days, all covered in HD detail. I could see the threads on my new suit. I could see Sam’s ridiculous smile as he spun the shield from the air, the asshole. The good thing: minimum damage and casualties. The bad thing: endless paperwork. The great thing: the New Avengers are a well-oiled machine. The training paid off. I’m going to bake them all a cake… tomorrow. Not today. I’m dead on my feet.

#aftermissions #comespaperwork #Paperworkapocalypse #Imsotired #latenightposting

My smile is not ridiculous, it’s toothpaste ad worthy! You dipshit 😉 @AwesomeFalcon.

Hey, play nice, kids, we’re getting a cake! @Maria1&onlyHill

Three layers. Chocolate, vanilla and Red Velvet, for political correctness, please!! @RedWispsOfAir

That's the spirit, Sister 😁 @SmallKidBigGenius

After the paperwork is done, Buck… I want those cinnamon thingies, please… @SGR8gers

Did I say I'm open for orders? I make it, you eat it, no complaining… @MyNameIsBucky

31 March 2025 (Twitter) @MyNameIsBucky

Shopping!! I love the variety of clothes this place has to offer. All the T-shirts! The slogans! 🙂 oh, I need board shorts, too... #shopping #tshirtsrule #surfing

May I remind you, it’s a conference in LA, not a holiday? @Maria1&onlyHIll

And no t-shirts allowed, it’s world leaders and diplomats… Come on, Buck... @SGR8gers

You may. But there's a few hours of free time. Come on, I challenge you two to surf with me. I will even buy you ice-cream later @MyNameIsBucky

Challenge accepted, you’re going down!!! @Maria1&onlyHill

Three scoops… or no deal @SGR8gers

10 April 2025 (journal)

I should probably update my blog a bit, I know, but these days most of the things on my mind are a bit too personal. I can’t really share it, so I’m writing it here.

I’ve been writing a lot since I got my mind back... first to get my memories back, to make sure I don’t forget them. Now? To move on, to move forward. I still have my old notebooks... I know Steve's read some of them. I have read some to my therapists, myself, but some… some I keep to myself. They're mine - everyone has their own secrets, I have mine. Not as many as before, but still enough to keep close to my chest. Today's been a month since Steve returned from Wakanda. He's settling in, has been seeing a therapist, one not connected to SHIELD, and it looks as if he's doing well. At first he would sit alone sometimes, deep in his thoughts, but these days he's finding his place. He's starting to make jokes, too, run small pranks with the others. I think he realizes that although he's their boss, he can also be their friend. Before he would leave every weekend, to be with his family - now he only leaves every other one, dividing his time more equally. He helps with movie nights, working in the kitchen to make snacks and popcorn. He even persuaded Maria to buy a slushie machine, and is the first to fill it up with juice.

I see him out of the corner of my eye, giving me looks... they're always contemplative. I don’t mind. I know we have a lot to work through. Only a month has passed - not really enough time to overcome decades of issues.

I went to dinner the other night, with Pepper and Morgan. Happy was there too. It was a spur of the moment thing - Pepper had to suddenly go into town, a big business meeting or something, and asked me to babysit Morgan for the day in the heart of New York. I loved it, I took her to the Museum of Natural History, we ran in the park, and then we surprised Peter at school with lunch and snacks. When Pepper was done, we had dinner at the Tower, and Morgan pratically fell asleep on me. It was _amazing._

Oh! A few weeks ago I took Peter and MJ and Ned to a movie, and then some roller-skating afterwards. Not to blow my own horn, but this old man kicked ass on the rollerblades… just saying… no spidey senses needed!

I talked to Stephen yesterday - somehow, I find him very helpful. He has this other perspective, makes you see things a bit different. Maybe it’s his magic? He said some things, things I need to think about, about when I went back.

He didn’t create another timeline, because he knew that if he did, I would have thousands more lives on my hands. That that world, and all the people in it, would be destined to suffer. Tony would never become Iron Man, and he would continue to make weapons. That alone would have been a disaster. His Jericho missile was just the beginning… Natasha wouldn’t have trained under me, and never got the guts to break out. She would never have met Clint, never helped the Avengers in the fight with the Chitauri. Steve and Bruce would have been alone, with Thor, since Clint would've died in Budapest…

All in all, as much as I hate the idea of it... I did shape the century. Now I know it wasn't just for the worse. Ultimately, I was needed.

Stephen created a time loop. The bad part is, one day I need to go back with him, and break it. I have to make sure I stay alive. I don’t know if I can do it. Not yet. I’m not strong enough yet.

22 April 2025 (Twitter) @MyNameIsBucky

Karaoke night! Yes, it is a week night. No, we do not care. We've worked hard, and tonight we will sing together. Or apart. Or both! #karaoke #singing #funnight #familynight

Thanks for the heads up, now I can make a turn at the med bay and pick up earbuds @AwesomeFalcon

But… Sammy… I’m dedicating the song to you! Wands, tell him!@MyNameIsBucky

He did, Sam, even learned some moves…@RedWispsOfAir

Sammy!!!!????? @AwesomeFalcon

🙂🙂 @MyNameIsBucky

Oh boy… @AwesomeFalcon

11 May 2025 (Instagram) @MyNameIsBucky

Mother’s day. To my mom… Thank you for everything. Even today, a hundred years later, you're still in my thoughts, my prayers. You never gave up on me, you stood by me, you supported me, and you kept my secret. Your laughter and your eyes are still with me. I still smell you sometimes, when I think real hard enough, and sometimes… I can still feel your arms as you hug me. I never told you this, but your arms were my safest place. Happy Mother’s day. Love, Bucky

#mothersday #missingmymom #thankyou #mothersloveistimeless

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ @RedWispsOfAir

xoxoxo @SmallKidBigGenius

26 May 2025 (blog)

Today was… I don’t know. As you're all aware, today is Memorial Day, and we all celebrated in our own ways. Steve went to a public service in Washington with his kids. There was a service at the Shield HQ, and the others met all the young agents - the ones in training, the ones that almost finished the Academy, the ones about to graduate. It was a good day in that sense.

We celebrated every soldier who fought for this country, who left their homes, their wives, their families to pick up a gun and fight for the ones at home to sleep sound. As of today, there are still over 90.000 US servicemen and civilians unaccounted for. That means that out there, there are over 90.000 families who never got to bury their brother, daughter, father... they never got closure.

I know my mom did. There was no body, but there _was_ a letter, a letter telling her I died.

I didn’t join in the service at the SHIELD HQ. I didn’t go to any service, and I’ve been through enough therapy to know I do belong there, but... that's not where I was comfortable. I was comfortable standing on top at my tombstone, in the small cemetery in New York.

I took a moment to remember who I was before I shipped off, a young man drafted. It wasn’t the life I would have chosen for myself - it was chosen for me, but I did my best. I gave it my all. I embraced the training I got, knowing I would learn skills I never could elsewhere. Many of my fellow solders felt the same - one got the skill to become a mechanic, the other to do accounting. Me… I learned how to snipe. To kill. Maybe I learned other things, as well, but the main one? How to shoot very well.

I wish we could somehow find out where those unaccounted for are. Knowing the experiments Hydra did, I know some will never be found. Not even dog tags, those were melted. But there are still vets out there, alive, some who fought in WW2, but so many in all the wars since then...

There is so much war. There is always a war, even if there's no aliens invading. We're perfectly capable of just fighting ourselves into extiction.

The president is proposing another Memorial Day - an international one, to remember all those killed in the galactic war against Thanos. That day, I might just not leave the bed. Today was difficult enough getting up.

I put roses on my grave. I grieved for the young boy, but I also showed gratitude for the man I am today. It took me many years, hours of therapy... in the end, I’m no longer resentful about my war days. They were the ones that made sure I'd never back down.

To everyone reading this - I hope today is not only a day that makes you sad for those who are lost, but also grateful for what we’ve gained.

In the end, we don't go to war for what we will find or change. We go for those we leave behind.

14 June 2025 (Instagram) @MyNameIsBucky

Today is the day! Scott and Hope are getting married! I’m dressed to impress. Let the party begin.

#weddings #dancing #party #bigparty

I want a dance, Bucky!!! @RedWispsOfAir

Me too!!! @SmallKidBigGenius

Me three. Please! @Maria1&onlyHill

As the bride, I claim one too @HopeWasp

Of course! Anyone else? Boys? @MyNameIsBucky

As the groom, I want to go right after Hope! @ScottAntman

Naturally, you’re right 🙂 @MyNameIsBucky

May I? @SGR8gers

I’ll save the last one for you ❤️ @MyNameIsBucky

04 July 2025 (journal)

It's Steve's birthday today, and I refuse to count his years, or even _try_ to do the math on how old he is. It's something that would only cause me pain.

On the bright side, he's doing so well. He's more open than before - he lets people in, talks about his feelings and his experiences. JJ also confided in me, telling me that Steve has been talking to them a lot... About his new life, about his dreams and what he might do with the years he now has ahead of him. It hasn’t been easy, but they support him. JJ told me straight that he wishes nothing but happiness for his dad... and me. He knows about the agreement, the decision to give it time, and he thinks it was a good idea.

I think everyone in this Compound is in on a secret betting pool about when I will actually decide enough is enough and ask Steve out. That’s the thing - I’m not sure. I just know that it will happen... eventually. I… I need to know with 100% certainty that when I ask him out, that when I give him the chance, I won’t get hurt.

The bottom line is that I _have been_ hurt. I'm still very hurt, but I'm also healing.

Steve is with his family for his birthday. We all know they need this time together, and... next year could be different, who knows. Maybe next year we will all be celebrating together. I don’t know. I know that things are getting better. Speaking of getting better - I should have another talk with Stephen. I’m not sure I’m ready to go back yet, break the loop, but I may be open to talking about it. Maybe soon? I think in order to move on, I need to make sure the past is in the past. If I do this, I am not doing it alone. I’m taking a few people back with me.

I guess if I have to be honest with myself, I need to admit that in the end... I miss Steve. We are close these days, friends all over again. Confiding in each other, laughing and joking together, but...

I miss… I miss that kiss. I miss the way he touched me.

The storybooks and the movies and the legends got it right. All it takes is one taste. Somehow my respect for Eve increased tenfold. Just that one bite is enough. One small touch, and a world of potential blooms from the smallest seed. Suddenly you can see the forest, you can see the garden growing. The flicker of hope. What could be?

I need to stand strong. I know if I go to him right now, bare it all, he would reciprocate... but he won’t be ready. It would be like a rosebud forced open to reveal its petals. I have to have patience. I waited for years, I can do it for a while longer.

If only it was easier...

30 July 2025 (Twitter) @MyNameIsBucky

Saw an opal blade today, made by the Cherokee. It was awesome! #wonderificangetone #butthrowingknives #gemstoneknives #aestheticstabbing

Aesthetic stabbing?! Really?! @AwesomeFalcon

Yeah, what? Got to do it in style… @MyNameIsBucky

We should talk… I'm sure I can figure something out 😄 @SmallKidBigGenius

Don’t encourage him! @AwesomeFalcon

Come on, Sammy! Jealous? Want one? @MyNameIsBucky

Just a normal blade, no throwing knives, please… @AwesomeFalcon

Hahahahahha… knew it! @MyNameIsBucky

Shut up, Rapunzel @AwesomeFalcon

06 August 2025 (Instagram) @MyNameIsBucky

According to Shuri, five YouTube videos mean a PhD… I’m at ten, does that make me a professor?!… Crocheting… guess what, though?! Baby booties… some King, that we won't name, is going to be a parent!!!

#crochet #babybooties #newbabyontheway #YouTubemaster #igotthis

You made this?! They are soooo cuteeee… @SmallKidBigGenius

I’m a man of many talents 🙃 @MyNameIsBucky

Remember what I said about cloning? I’m seriously going to get started @SmallKidBigGenius

Cloning??? @SGR8gers

Oh. Shuri wants to clone a straight version of Bucky for herself @PilotJJ

Not going to work. Bucky is a once in a lifetime occurrence, can’t replicate that - no matter how advanced the technology. @SGR8gers

… thanks, Stevie @MyNameIsBucky

Aawwwwwwww! @SmallkidBigGenius

22 August 2025 (journal)

Another Friday night... the Compound is quite lonely tonight, but it's okay. The Lang family went away for a few days, Bruce is somewhere with Doctors Without Borders. Steve went to his family, Wanda and Pietro are on a mini road trip, so it's only me and Maria.

But not for long! Pepper invited us over for dinner and a game night tomorrow. I think she wants some grown-up company and a chance to let go, to talk to people without an agenda, outside business meetings.

She invited me over quite a few times this past year. In the beginning it was awkward... strange to be back at that cabin. But as time goes by, and I go there more, I’ve started to enjoy myself. The lake and the forest aren’t as daunting as they were in the beginning. I don’t see old Steve on the bench anymore, I don’t see the platform near those trees. I don’t see the crowd having a funeral for Tony.

Now I see myself chasing Morgan as we play. I see her tea set under the tree. I see me and Pepper and Happy sitting on the porch, Morgan at our feet, watching the sunset. I see life. Hope. Pepper talking about her ups and downs, her struggles and her victories, over a glass of wine, and Happy making jokes.

Maria will love it. We'll come back to the Compound on Sunday - even if it is close, it's a bit of a change to get out. To relax over wine, to make dinner and run around the lake because we are knights. Or dragons, or pirates…

It’s been more than a year since I went back in time and... did what I did. I used to say I will never regret it, I will never wish I didn’t do it... and I still don’t. I only wish I had more time with my younger self - maybe told him that it won’t be all bad, knowing what I know now. I accept the fact that I need to go back, that I need to break the time loop.

I… I’m scared.

What's waiting for that man…

The thing is, there's no guarantee he will one day end up like me - with a second chance. There are too many variables. Until I know that it will work out, that he will be okay, I can’t do it.

09 September 2025 (Twitter) @MyNameIsBucky

I did it! 2 failed attempts. A FLAN. No orders will be taken. I believe in desserts only, it’s the whole point of the meal #flan #dessertonly #nosavoury #3rdtimesthecharm

It’s okay, Bucky. Desserts are cool. Next up - authentic New York cheesecake please @RedWispsOfAir

Okay, I’m going to level with you, it IS good, Barnes… The crocheting, the baking… you're trying to make us all look boring, don’t you? @AwesomeFalcon

I know sis helped, big bro... My girlfriend keeps asking if it runs in the family... 2 out of 3 is good enough, yeah? @Quicksilver

We should teach him, three strikes sounds so much better. We can even start our own reality show @MyNameIsBucky

Oh yes… Kitchen Avenging Initiative… I can see it now, celebrity chefs… @RedWispsOfAir

Speaking as the Captain, and on behalf of all the Avengers, we will wholeheartedly support this endeavour. @AwesomeFalcon

29 September 2025 (blog)

Another week! Things are going great here at the Compound, if anyone was wondering. We've been on a few missions - some were covered by the media, some were not. All of them allowed us to grow and expand as a unit. We really are a team, now.

It's good to be on a team, be with people you can rely on. We are all different people with a variety of pasts and backstories. We all have our tragedies, we all have our weak moments, but we also always come together and stand strong. As the saying goes... united we stand, divided we fall. At the end of it all, we are better together - but more importantly, it is _not about us._

I guess in life, it's the same. We all try so hard to present this image to the world, this façade - that we are fine. That we are strong. I’ve read that psychologists are pushing to classify internet addiction an illness, that more and more people become addicted to social media. There is a thing, called FOMO... the fear of missing out, but on what?

Just because you have a hundred Facebook friends and one lives in Thailand and can have cocktails on the beach every night, or one lives in the Tibet and can post the most amazing pictures of nature, and you are stuck in a city, or a small town? It doesn’t mean you are missing out, it only means your life is different.

We all present something to this world that is not true - create ourselves, in a way. If I posted every negative thing in my life, I would be locked away within a week. I share my good memories, my happy days - not the bad ones. I have those. I sometimes lie awake at 3 in the morning, wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life, how did I even _get_ here. I also do the “twenty questions with yourself at your most vulnerable time”, just like you do.

Nobody’s life is perfect, no matter how hard they try to make it look like it is. I have fears and anxiety, but I understand that it's a part of my life. It does not define me, and it shouldn’t define you. You don’t need to find your validation anywhere outside yourself. You’re the one who has to live with yourself, 24/7. Other people only get some of those hours.

Stay strong and real.

06 October 2025 Instagram @MyNameIsBucky

So… a few dozen cupcakes. It’s Boss’s day, so to all our bosses out there. Five designs. Treadmill tomorrow, cupcake today!

#Bossday #cupcakesforall #happybossday #agoodday

Thank you. They are delicious! Besides, you can only be a good boss when you have a great team... and we do @Maria1&onlyHill

I love you too, Barnes @AwesomeFalcon

Thank you, Bucky! Morgan and I enjoyed them very much 🙂 @PepperStark

❤️❤️❤️ @SGR8gers

26 October 2025 (Twitter) @MyNameIsBucky

Finishing the week with a good book. My pile is finally, slowly shrinking #Reading #Books #Sundayrelaxation #preparingformonday

At least one of our piles is... @RedWispsOfAir

Have you tried watching the movies? It wil go quicker! @Quicksilver

Not the same! Besides, half these books don’t have movies! @RedWispsOfAir

Exactly. Besides, books trump movies every time! @MyNameIsBucky

13 November 2025 (journal)

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. It’s a little over a year since Elethu and I broke up. I still miss him, I'm not in touch with him - I want to, but I’m scared. He said we can still be friends, but I also know how he felt. I don’t want to make things hard on him, but... I should call him one day.

But, more importantly... exactly one year ago today, I was trapped in a cave, my arm melted off, thinking I was going to die. I was _prepared_ to die. I made my peace. I didn’t want to die, but knew it was inevitable. Little did I know... Steve did something stupid, but also so, so brave. That was also the day that Steve told me something... something I never imagined, something I think I will never even comprehend.

Steve told me he loved me, and he kissed me. I can’t believe it’s been a year - some days it still feels like it happened just yesterday. He went into cryo for a few months, and I was trying to pick up the pieces of his words, figuring it out whether it was real or not. It was. Wanda confirmed it, Shuri confirmed it, Sam confirmed it... and when Steve woke up, he confirmed it too.

He asks me if he still has a chance.

He will _always_ have a chance. He's been making such good progress, I can see the changes in him. He still draws and paints, he and Sarah still make art together, and they're already planning their yearly exhibition that he missed out on last year. Sam-Anthony and his fiancé got married. Sarah and Michelle are engaged and planning to adopt. JJ has finally started dating, after years of being a widower. We're all moving on.

I can feel it in me - I’m almost there, I almost trust Steve enough to take a risk on us, on what I know we can be. We've come very far, and we're almost like we were back in the old days, before I got drafted.

I think we might actually be better. We are more open with each other, more in tune with where we are. But before I take the leap, there is something I need to do. Something I've been putting on hold.

I sent an email to Stephen today, telling him we need to talk, that it's time. I also told him that besides me and him, I’m asking Wanda and Sam to come along. I am not doing it alone, and not with just me and Strange. I need to have my family there. Wanda and Sam have been here for me through everything. I need them to go with me, otherwise I might not find the courage and strength to do what needs to be done.

I just hope they say yes.

27 November 2025 (Instagram) @MyNameIsBucky

Thanksgiving at the Compound. Everyone is here - old friends, new friends, families... even my favourite frenemy brought his family! So much to be thankful for!

#thanksgiving #family #friends #frenemies #Iloveyouall

Congratulations, my mom thinks you’re ‘adorable’ and a ‘wonderful white boy’, telling me I should invite you over more often. Even my little nephew likes you! There's no accounting for taste... @AwesomeFalcon

Oh, you’re telling me I should work harder? Your mom shouldn’t think it, she should KNOW it. It’s okay, I will start to go visit them with you more often @MyNameIsBucky

Nuh-uh… no way… there is only enough space for one adorable and wonderful son, and that’s me… move along! @AwesomeFalcon

I can see it now... you, me… two bunkbeds, sharing stories… bonding… fun times…@MyNameIsBucky

Don’t even think about it. @AwesomeFalcon

Too late… Sammy 🙂 @MyNameIsBucky

3 December 2025 (journal)

New York trip… to the Sanctum. I went back in time, today - Wanda and Sam came with me, and I told the others what we were going to do. They wanted to come with, to make sure everything worked out, but they accepted that I needed do it by myself - or, relatively by myself.

Steve got it, but also he didn’t. He'd seen the videos, heard everything I said... He asked for a compromise - to go with, but he'd wait in the Sanctum, in the ‘tearoom’ or whatever it's called. He'd been there twice before, many years ago - once to return the Time Stone, the other when he'd had his breakdown.

I know all about that now - about his suffering when he went back. The struggle to adapt, that he would sometimes run his mouth. That he focused more on his kids than anything else. That he and Peggy would sometimes go days without talking to each other, and he would only have the kids to focus on while she built her empire, SHIELD, going on missions and doing things with Howard... and he would be at home. It wasn’t a perfect happily ever after - it was marriage, with ups and downs, laughter and tears and everything in between.

Anyway, I agreed. The thing is - in a way, I wanted him there with me, too. I want to know that things can and will work out. That it won’t be easy, but it's possible. That sometimes starting over isn’t a bad thing. I could see he wanted to hold my hand, but didn’t... He waited in the other room, he could see us through the window. He was the last thing I saw before I took Wanda and Sam’s hands and stepped through the portal. He was crying. I was nearly there.

We didn't even need the suits, in the end – Stephen just opened the portal and we went. The bunker was the same - the smell was the same, the iron-y smell of blood, the echoes of my screams... We waited, like before - behind the shelves, until the doctors were gone. I went to my younger self, a boy of 27... I told him he did good, and that he must not give up, even when they take his memories, his identity... I had to compose myself there, but went on. I asked Wanda to show him a vision, a vision of the future. My future - or present. I asked her to hide it in the deepest corner of his mind.

Then, just before the doctors came back, I leaned over him and whispered to him, “When you see Steve, when you pull him out of the water, _stay._ Everything in you will want to run away, but don’t. _Stay with him,_ and tell him you love him. He loves you too, he just needs you to see it.”

I knew Strange saw it - I thought he'd be upset, but he wasn’t. He looked at me and smiled, said, “Good, that was a very good idea.”

We stepped back through. I was tired, emotionally drained - Wanda, too. Once back, I called for Steve, tears running down my face. He hugged me, we were both crying. Somehow we ended up on the floor - I was cradled in his arms, and he kept whispering, ”They’re going to be okay, they’re going to make it” and ”I’m sorry, I'm so sorry, Buck.”

I believed him. I still do.

When we were all finally ready to go back, after many tears and even more cups of tea, we got to the car. Strange pulled me aside and told me that he went to see how things end up. He smiled, and said that Bucky stayed with Steve. He didn’t run, he stayed. The Avengers never fought each other, but stood side by side as Zemo tried to come between them. They saved King T’Chaka, they defeated Thanos and the Snap never happened. My other self - he did become the Winter Soldier, but he didn’t become lost again after he was found in 2014.

I can’t ask for more, can I? He still became friends with Shuri and Wanda and Pietro - just without the heartache, the loss and the pain of this reality.

I think I can finally put everything behind me. I can move on.

I can take new risks.

24 December 2025 (Instagram) @MyNameIsBucky

Happy Christmas Eve to everybody out there. May you spend it with the people you love. May the holiday be more than the exchange of presents - a miracle to cherish.

#ChristmasEve #MerryChristmas #cherisheverymoment

Happy Holidays in the wintery New York! Next year maybe have it in sunny Wakanda? Love you! @SmallKidBigGenius

Merry Christmas, Bucky! Thank you being for who you are. Can’t wait to see what the future holds @RedWispsOfAir

Merry Christmas Bucky. As sis says, thank you, for everything. For being someone we can look up to. For bringing this family together @Quicksilver

You’re my favourite frenemy, and I love hating you very much 🙂 No, but really. Thanks, Barnes @AwesomeFalcon

Merry Christmas, Bucky! Thank you for letting us into your life, it’s a blessing we (the Rogers gang) certainly cherish @PilotJJ

Hear hear! See you at our wedding! Remember, two brides, two dances! @Sarahtheartist

Merry Christmas, Uncle Bucky! 😉 @SamAnthony

Merry Christmas, Buck. I will never stop being grateful. Not without you, forever @SGR8gers

31 December 2025 (journal)

Another year is almost gone. Last year I was here, at the Compound, worrying about Steve, about Shuri finding a cure for him... and she did. So many months have since passed. So many adventures.

Now that we are on the brink of a new year, celebrating the holiday with all our loved ones, I know I am standing on the precipice. A new chapter in my life. Not because it’s a new year, but because I am finally ready.

I love Steve - always have, always will. I know now he loves me too. Since that day in the cave... every time he looks at me, I can see it. I see it, because that's how I’ve been looking at him for years. I see the hints of jealousy, too, when I talk to other people, men in particular. I saw how he looked when I danced with the girls at Hope and Scott's wedding. Even when I danced with Scott!

But I did save the last one for Steve. It’s the closest we've been since that hug on the rocks in Wakanda. I could feel his heart beating rapidly, but he didn’t say anything. He never, not once, pushed me, or even threw hints about being impatient. I am ready, because he allowed me to grow into who I am in this new world... and he took the time to learn who he is, too. He completely submitted to me and understood that we both needed this time.

Which brings me to this.

I’m going to ask him out.

I’m going to take the risk, and see what we can be.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's a wonderful sight, is it not?" Thor asks and Bucky turns to him. Thor's dressed in his swimwear, just like Bucky. Bucky developed a fondness for Hawaiian surf shorts, full of patterns and bold colors - Thor's are lime green and black, and Bucky eyes them with jealousy.  
> Bucky smiles. "Yes, it is."

02 January 2026

  
Bucky stands on top of the indoor climbing cliff overlooking the Compound's huge pool. There are tables, all set up and loaded with food and snacks, at the bottom - cold drinks and cocktails for the grown-ups, juice for the kids. Although the only kids here are Harley, Peter and his friends, Cassie and her boyfriend, and Morgan. The grill is on, manned by Bruce and Hank, and the smell is making everyone hungry.

Nakia is quite pregnant, but still has a couple months to go. Scott revealed that he and Hope are also expecting a baby, but at only five weeks Hope isn't even showing yet. Cassie is over the moon about it. Hank and Janet... oh, don't even get them started.

Thor is back to his pre-Thanos demi-god glory; his hair is gathered in two braids at the sides of his head - tied with red and black ribbons. He's also wearing an eye Shuri made for him... she was apparently bored and made him one that's lightning-proof and gives him great X-ray vision. Thor thanked her profusely and promised his everlasting devotion and loyalty, to which Shuri just laughed and made him promise to come to _her_ and _her only_ for upgrades.

"It's a wonderful sight, is it not?" Thor asks and Bucky turns to him. Thor's dressed in his swimwear, just like Bucky. Bucky developed a fondness for Hawaiian surf shorts, full of patterns and bold colors - Thor's are lime green and black, and Bucky eyes them with jealousy.

Bucky doesn't say anything for a moment, watching Scott and Pietro talk, probably thinking of another prank to play. The four of them decided to climb the cliff together.

Bucky finally looks at Thor a smile on his face. "Yes, it is."

Everyone's in their swimwear - swim-shorts and bikinis and full pieces, a variety of colours, sitting on the pool's edge like a flock of birds. Legs in the water, joking around, cocktails in their hands... Fury, Steve, Sam and Happy are sitting at the table, beers in hand, talking animatedly - most likely sharing war stories. T’Challa is to the side, dealing with some important call. Peter, Harley, Cassie and the other youngsters are playing volleyball in the water. Morgan watches them from a floating island, her hands around the palm tree.

Thor follows Bucky’s eyes, then takes a deep breath. "On my way here I observed the people around me... it seems as though all the worlds are finally slowing down and appreciating what they've been given. In the beginning, there was this rush to do everything at once, as if they feared they won't be able to if they wait too long. But now... they seem to have realized that time is once again just a part of life, something to measure the passing of our actions, nothing more. But not you, my friend."

Bucky tilts his head. "I'm sorry?"

"You didn't let the tragedy influence you. Where everyone was chasing time, you stepped back and let time be your guide, your friend, allowing _it_ to chase _you._ You who have been a victim of time for so long and overcame it, and instead of just becoming a survivor, you became its graduate. You won't let it ruin you ever again. And that makes you stronger than all of us, everyone in this room. We're all merely survivors at this stage, but maybe through your guidance we will become graduates, too."

Bucky stares at Thor, stunned speechless.

Thor keeps smiling at him - he recognizes the look of wonder and disbelief, of astonishment. He finally lets out a chuckle. "You're a great man, Bucky Barnes. I look forward to standing by your side in the future, as a friend, as an ally, and as a fellow warrior.”

"Thank you, Thor. Really-"

"Hey! Are you going to jump today, or what?" Sam yells from below. Everyone is looking up at them, and Bucky shakes his head.

"Why don't you come join us, Cap?" Scott yells back.

Bucky looks towards the windows - it's cold outside, the snow falling in soft whispers. They decided to have a pool party to celebrate the new year. It was actually Bucky's idea - like some kind of metaphor, an island of warmth in the dead of winter. They turned up the indoor heating and warmed the pool, then invited everyone. And once everyone saw what Bucky planned, they loved it.

"Come on, I'm not getting any younger and we are hungry!" Sam yells again, and Bucky can hear Morgan's little yell,

"Yes, Uncle Bucky, come on, we're having cheeseburgers!"

Bucky's eyes fill with tears as he looks down to the little girl. "As you wish, my dearest!" He takes a step back. "Ready, boys? Let's show them!"

As one they run to the edge and jump off, yelling loudly as they hit the water with a huge splash.

Steve watches with pride as they come up to loud claps and cheering. Bucky swims to Morgan, who immediately jumps off her floating island and throws her hands around his neck. Laughing, he holds her close and climbs out of the pool, making his way to the table. The rest follow him like ducklings.

Steve can feel it - he won't have to wait long. Bucky's stares have become more intense, his touches lingering longer. Steve is desperate to be with Bucky, he's been waiting for months, knowing that he needed to prove himself worthy. To be the man that he needs to be for Bucky. He understands why they needed to wait, there were so many things to sort out... things he never even noticed until Bucky pointed them out, or his therapist. His size and health were the least of his worries. Now he just carries an inhaler, gets physio, has a good exercise routine and takes antihistamines daily. It's nothing like his pre-war misery.

Steve looks at Sam, who's watching the group drying off and helps the girls get out, then comes over. T’Challa joins them, the phone call finally done.

"You were right, Sam."

Sam looks at Steve. He wants to make a joke, but the look in Steve's eyes is serious. Fond, but serious.

"Yeah, about what?"

"He _is_ the glue of this group. I mean, look how long we tried to make it work, and here he comes, takes a bunch of people, still raw from everything that happened, and he helps us all to heal, be more than just a team. Look at this, Sam. He made us a family."

Fury and Sam both look at him.

"Yes, he did," Sam says quietly, then picks up a peanut and throws it at Bucky. Bucky just catches and eats it, causing Morgan to giggle.

"That was awesome!" she exclaims.

"Yeah, shame he only threw one..." Bucky pouts.

"Oh yeah?" Sam grins.

"Next time I'm challenging you and T’Challa and Steve up the cliff, you know..." Bucky warns teasingly.

"What about me?" Fury asks, picking up a few peanuts and eating them one by one. He's clad in black shorts, and somehow still managing to look menacing, even without his ever-present leathers.

"Oh... I know you'll be up there, calling us slow babies and showing us how it's done..." Bucky answers, causing a chorus of laughter.

Fury smiles and points a finger. "And don't you forget it."

"I'm not a baby, but I'm not going up there! It's too high, I'm scared," Morgan pipes up, still on Bucky's hip. Bucky puts her down and crouches so he's eye level with her.

"You know I used to be terrified at heights? Ask Uncle Steve, anything higher than two stories and I would get scared."

"Really?" Morgan asks, her eyes huge.

"Yes, but you know something? There will always, always be things in life that scare us, but one thing we should remember is that we are not alone. And facing our fears sometimes teaches us many things."

"So, you jumping off that high cliff with Thor and Pietro and Scott... helps you?" she asks, curiously.

"Yes, it does! Now... I do believe it's time for lunch?"

"Yeah!" everyone cheers at that.

They spend the rest of the afternoon swimming and playing music. They dance and play volleyball. At one point everyone's in the pool except Fury and Nakia - she said she just wants to sit on the edge, her feet in the water. Bucky would occasionally throw glances at Steve, to make sure he's okay... and he is. He's still well-built, lean and muscled, but not nearly to the extent of his former form. It's clear to see that it doesn't bother him. He's still laughing and playing with the rest of them.

Bucky can see Morgan's getting tired, but Pepper is still having fun, so he takes her to the shallow side of the pool, to play with her plastic water animals on the edge next to Nakia. She’s building quite an amusement park, the orca has the whole kiddy pool to herself, the dolphins are against Nakia’s legs, and the octopus is on top of the tiles. Bucky leans back, his head resting on the edge, his body still in the water. Taking Nakia's feet, he slowly starts to massage them.

"Oh Bast, don't stop, it feels so good!" she groans. Bucky chuckles. Nakia in turn starts to run her fingers through his hair. "You know you are truly remarkable?"

"Why?"

"Because... everything you see now, in front of you, was put into motion the day you surrendered in Bucharest."

Bucky stops the massage, startled, then slowly starts again. Nakia can see the slight tension in his shoulders that slowly releases as she massages his scalp.

"I know. It's not the happiest memory for you, but that day, you started to plant seeds to bring together the people that you see blooming here today. It was a hard and difficult road, but it made us stronger. You made T’Challa become more than a prince - he was always destined for great things, but through you and Siberia, he became a wise man. Through you, we learned to invite the world in, to take the leap out and forward. To make allies and make friends," she finishes softly.

"Your family has saved my life more times than I can count. Not just back then, but recently as well. I love you all," Bucky answers simply.

"And we love you. Oh, and it's _our_ family, not only mine." Nakia's smile is deep and sweet. Bucky mirrors it.

Morgan's getting even sleepier, so Bucky gets out and sits next to Nakia, pulling Morgan into his lap, her head resting under his chin. Her eyes are blinking slower and slower, threatening to stay closed.

Nakia watches him with fondness. All children gravitate to him, the teenagers too. Peter and MJ can't stop asking him questions, going to him before anyone else in the building. He has a softness, a patience, that make everyone comfortable around him.

"Did you ever want your own children?"

Bucky sighs and looks down at the little girl. "I remember... as a child, before I realized I was gay, I wanted to have a family. I used to tell Steve that we would marry sisters, raise our kids together... anything, just to keep him breathing through the winter, just a while longer.

“When I realized I was gay, I knew I never would be able to marry some girl and have babies. I pushed it aside, then the drafts came and first, I thought it's okay, no need to worry about it anymore, I'm most likely to die... When Steve rescued me, and we started to get real good at taking out Hydra... the boys and the men, they would talk around the fire. It would start with the 'when I get home' stories. They all dreamed about their gals waiting for them, how many kids they were going to have...

“I knew Steve would go off with Peggy... so I would listen and know it wasn't going to be me. I didn't have a 'when I get home' story, cause I knew that if by some miracle I survived, I was going to stay in the army. Try to see the world, and so on..."

"And if people asked?" Nakia prompts.

Bucky smiles and turns to her. He winks and smiles broadly, bringing out his Brooklyn accent. "Well, ma'am... the army ain't no life for a dame, ya know... Can't do that to a lady!" He stops smiling and shrugs. "See, perfect excuse."

Nakia puts her hand on his arm. "You practiced that line for a while, haven't you?"

"Every day, for years," he whispers.

They watch as the others play and scream, making splashes and tackling each other in the water. Fury's watching from the other side, Happy sitting next to him.

"Bucky?" Nakia softly asks.

"Yes, my Queen?" Bucky smiles.

"What about now? Now that you can be who you are, do you want children?"

Bucky looks away before looking at her, his eyes travelling down to her tummy, big and round. A soft smile plays on his lips.

"I.... Yeah, I would love to have a kid or two. One day."

"Does he know?"

They both know who 'he' is. Bucky shakes his head slightly.

"We're not even together."

"Yet. You're going to be, though. You know it, he knows it, we all know it. We can all see the work and the effort he's put in, all to prove himself to you, to move on from his past and the mistakes he's made. He loves you. He always had, he just had to fall down hard and long and take a very long route to get there. I never told you this, but all our elders, all our wise men and women... They could see your connection whenever he was visiting, back then. They could see, even when he – you - couldn't."

Bucky briefly closes his eyes, then opens them again, seeking out Steve's form in the pool. He and Sam and Thor have formed a team against Peter, Pietro and Scott in a game of volleyball. No one is winning, as they joke around more than play.

"He loves me, right?” Bucky whispers. “He really does."

"Oh yes. Never doubt that for a second."

Smiling, Bucky looks to the side. Morgan's holding on to his metal arm, sound asleep.

"I'm going to ask him out."

"When?"

Before Bucky can answer, there's flash and a click. They look up to see everyone in the water looking at them, Peter holding a waterproof, Shuri-designed camera. Wanda's smiling, red wisps still around her - she used her powers to summon a camera for Peter, since he was the closest to Bucky and Nakia.

Bucky sticks out his tongue and Peter grins.

"One more!"

Bucky smiles at the camera as Peter takes another picture, and Pepper comes up to them.

"I'm so sorry, Bucky!"

"Hey, it's okay, I don't mind! As long as you get a chance to relax and have some fun.”

"I did. Thank you, today's been wonderful. This was such a great idea."

Everyone agrees and they all start to get out, one by one. Bucky gets up, still holding Morgan, and makes his way to the couches and those weird long S-shaped chairs. He lowers Morgan to one of them and uses a fluffy towel to cover her.

Steve's watching the whole interaction with a full heart and butterflies in his stomach. Seeing Bucky like this, so happy and at peace, is something he never thought he would get again. The more he sees, the more he realises just how badly-off Bucky was after he was freed from Hydra. What he was in Wakanda, before Thanos, is nothing compared to this. Steve will always feel bad that he didn’t see, that he didn’t pay attention.

The biggest part of him, though, is immeasurably grateful for the second chance he was gifted. He was such an _idiot..._ and if given the chance again, he would do Shuri's procedure a hundred times over just to see this today, to witness the rebirth of Bucky. It wouldn’t have been the same if he was old - maybe it wouldn’t have been the same if Steve stayed, either. Maybe they did have to lose time to truly understand what a miracle and blessing it is.

The pain and suffering it cost Bucky to go back and break a time loop, knowing that he was sending a version of himself to immense pain and torture... He knew it wouldn't be easy, so he took his support system with him. He took his family. Sam and Bucky can bicker all they want, but everyone knows those two would stand by each other to the bitter end - or a sweet one. Side by side, whatever happens.

And sometimes, Steve still feels Bucky in his arms as he cried, there in the Sanctum, looking for comfort. Trusting Steve to provide it for him when they got back. It was heartbreaking and humbling at the same time, and Steve will forever be grateful.

Steve watches as they start to pack up, going to their separate rooms to shower and get dressed. The temperature in the Compound will be lowered to a more reasonable level once everyone is dressed properly. Pepper and Morgan are staying the night, so no one will have to leave the cozy warmth until tomorrow... maybe they can go build a snowman before they leave.

Picking up his towel, he walks towards Bucky. He's once again picking Morgan up - he offered to take her to her room, so Pepper and Happy could carry her toys and stuff.

“She’s exhausted,” Steve says quietly as they start to walk side by side down the hallway.

“Yeah, she’s a real firecracker... but at least she had fun without the sunburn,” Bucky answers, unable to keep the fondness out of his voice. It’s the same one he used to get when he talked about his sisters.

“She’s going to be up in an hour or so, then probably want to watch movies,” Pepper adds as she follows. Bucky looks over his shoulder.

“That’s not a problem. I'll make some popcorn and brownies, it will be fun.”

“Did I hear brownies?” Sam asks from the back.

“No!” Bucky replies, smiling, but Sam steps up close.

“Cool, I want some too! Wanda? Who else is in? Bucky is making brownies.”

Bucky growls at Sam, who just grins widely as everyone replies with ‘me!’ and ‘yes!’ and even one ‘but with ice-cream, right?’

Steve starts laughing. “Buck, your afternoon is fully booked.”

“Clearly,” Bucky states, but doesn’t look too bothered.

It'll give him the perfect chance to figure out how to actually ask Steve out.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“White Wolf?”_ Steve’s voice is calm, but urgent. Not taking his eyes off on the group in front of him, Bucky touches his earpiece.  
> “Go for White Wolf.”  
>  _“What do you see? Your arm shows about a dozen figures in front of you.”_  
>  Bucky thought he would feel fear when facing his past, that he would be upset - but he isn’t. He's in control, here.  
> He smiles, shark-like. “Twelve twattery-twats who are about to get their asses handed to them, without a plate,” he says calmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter **concludes** _Time is a Metaphor_...  
> We really had some things to say, though - so the unexpected chapter 46 is a big authors' note and a sneak-peek into **what's next** 😉

07 Jan 2026

  
Bucky stares at the small group of hostiles in the corridor.

“ _White Wolf?”_ Steve’s voice is calm, but urgent. Not taking his eyes off on the group in front of him, Bucky touches his earpiece.

“Go for White Wolf.”

“ _What do you see? Your arm shows about a dozen figures in front of you.”_

The men stare at Bucky, visibly uneasy - it's not every day you come face to face with the (former) Winter Soldier. Some remember him, but they were mere rookies when they trained with him. The one to the left, Bucky knows all too well - hair so blonde it's almost white, face red, and the eyes.... Bucky feared him, back then - he had a cold streak in those eyes that had nothing to do with the near-translucent blue of them. He looks at Bucky now, the top lip curled into a smirk, sure he can talk his way out of this. He was one of Bucky’s handlers... one of many. Didn’t last long before Bucky was sold to Pierce, and Pierce didn’t share.

Bucky thought he would feel fear when facing his past, that he would be upset - but he isn’t. _He_ is in control, here.

He smiles, shark-like. The handler's eyes widen.

“Twelve twattery-twats who are about to get their asses handed to them, without a plate,” he says calmly.

_“Falcon is almost finished, he will be with you in about 60 seconds. Witch is two floors below, heading your way.”_

“I’ll be here. Some of them may not.”

“Stop talking to your handler, Asset! We are not afraid of you,” the blonde speaks up. Bucky narrows his eyes.

“ _Did he really just say that?”_ Steve asks, his voice dripping venom.

“Apparently he did, my dearest _handler,”_ Bucky replies, saccharine.

“ _Hey, take it out on him, not me.”_

“Oh, I intend to…” Bucky smiles widely. He winks, and the man pales slightly. So he _is_ afraid, just trying to act all big-shot.

The man takes a breath and composes his face. “You need to remember your place, Asset.” His voice trembles only a little.

“ _Who is this fu- individual?”_ Steve asks, annoyed.

“A former handler. Didn’t last long, too weak,” Bucky replies, and the blonde snarls.

“ _What_ did you say?”

“Shhh, Yevsikov, wait your turn.”

Yevsikov’s eyes widen so much the whites starts showing, and Bucky wants to say, _Yes, I remember your name, I remember it all._ He focuses on the job at hand instead.

“Any luck on the other one?”

“ _Quicksilver and Ant-Man got him, he's still secured in his cell. We intercepted the escape in time.”_

“Good.”

“ _Hey, White Wolf, I’m 10 seconds out, if you want to go in,”_ Sam's voice comes over the comm, along with the sound of his shield clanging into something.

“Right. Let’s finish this, I want to go home,” Bucky replies and takes a step forward. The group tense up - all except the blonde, who looks happy at the idea of fighting Bucky. Bucky looks at his arm, scanning the group - they're heavily armed, as usual, Hydra never took any chances with its agents. Armed to the teeth, even _in_ the teeth… but Bucky's ready for them.

He takes another step closer, pulling out his Ka-Bar. He can hear Sam close-by - and the moment he feels Sam’s presence behind him, all bets are off.

  
  


Steve stands in the Mission Room, several big screens in front of him, each showing a member of the team. Hope's busy securing the computers and databanks, Scott is making sure Zemo's still in his cell and that no one can get to him. Pietro and Wanda are going from one floor of the Raft to the next, making sure no one's hiding. Sam and Bucky are fighting the twelve agents. Steve didn’t even have to ask who this former handler is - Maria immediately got on it, and Steve knows he'll have a full report and a file before the day is over. It was enough for Bucky to say the name.

He is very proud of the way Bucky handled it, his old sarcasm making a comeback. Steve knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Bucky is ready for this. He's ready for anything. His only regret is that he can’t be there to beat this handler up himself... but Bucky will take good care of it.

When they caught wind of a possible escape plan for Zemo, Sam insisted that he and Bucky deal with the Strike Team, while the rest make sure the Raft stays secure. Steve thought that Bucky would protest, but he didn’t, he followed Sam’s plan without a hitch.

It was all so sudden - T’Challa with his family only left two days ago, the holidays aren’t even over yet... but apparently the prisoners understand the element of surprise.

Bucky showed them how to connect to his arm - so if he scans something, they can see it back in the Mission Room. That way, if he gets distracted by a fight, the monitors can pick up anything he might've missed. Steve is quite glad about it, it's proving to be a very good back-up. He himself can’t be there to look after Bucky, so he will take any help he can get. Even if it's from an artificial limb.

Maria's sitting behind him with two other agents - all of them eyeing the camera feeds, throwing reports back and forth.

“Zemo's cell still secure.”

“Quicksilver doing his third check, damn, that guy is fast.”

“Scarlet Witch secured all three entrances.”

“Wasp finished hacking all the cameras, we're the only ones who have access.”

“Ant-Man is securing Hallway C.”

Steve listens attentively, while his eyes are on Sam and Bucky’s feeds. They are working together to fight the Strike Team, gaining the upper hand easily. Sam can’t use his wings, but the intense training with the shield paid off, making him a worthy opponent. He's not quite up to Steve’s level with it, not yet, but he's getting very close.

Several agents are lying on the floor, dead, knife wounds in hearts, necks and heads. Bucky hasn’t used his guns once, opting for his throwing knives and daggers. He's also showing no mercy whatsoever... if they wanted agents alive for questioning, they'd have to look for them elsewhere. Luckily, Wasp is getting all the necessary information through her hacking, with Maria as back-up. Between the two of them, they can get everything they need.

Steve is just about to relax, when Yevsikov pulls out something small and black. Steve’s first thought is a grenade, but then some sort of gas sprays right into Bucky’s face, allowing the handler to get the upper hand. Bucky stumbles forward towards a staircase, his hands on his face, and the man tackles him. Steve can only watch as they both tumble down the stairs - Bucky reaches out, trying to balance, but the man collides with him and they both go over the railing.

“Bu- White Wolf!” Steve yells, remembering to use the code name, instead of the real one. They made it a point in their training to only use their code names... home is home, work is work. It's hard to think of it when Steve's so worried, though. “Falcon, what’s your situation?”

“ _Almost…”_ They hear a punch, a cracking sound and a groan. _“… there.”_ Another punch, a sound of vibranium striking flesh. _“… Take that… you super… asshole… Hydra… bastard!”_ Then it's quiet, just Sam’s deep breathing. _“Where’s White Wolf?”_ he asks straight away.

Steve looks at Bucky’s screen, and it's just snow. “I lost contact... White Wolf, do you copy?”

Silence.

“I lost communication with him about 45 seconds ago,” Steve says, and he can see Sam running towards the stairs. He skips them three at a time in his haste to get down.

“ _Did they fall all the way to the bottom?”_ Sam asks.

“Probably.”

“ _Shit.”_

Sam's quiet the rest of the way down. Once at the lower level, he stops and pulls out his gun, aiming it in front of him.

  
  


“Avengers, do you copy?”

Sam waits till everyone gives him the affirmative.

“Good. Start to clear out, meet me at Hallway B, we encountered the Strike Team. See if they have tracking devices, anything that we can use, and wait for me and White Wolf. Control, you can send in the cleaning crew, and the rest of the guards.”

“ _Not until we know White Wolf is okay,”_ Steve answers.

“Roger that,” Sam replies and makes his way down the hallway, where he can hear a fight going on. Bucky’s earpiece is on the ground, in pieces. There's some blood, too.

Sam knows Steve can see it, but he isn’t saying anything. Sam keeps on walking, but freezes when he hears the unmistakable sound of a gunshot.

Sam takes off at a sprint and turns a corner to see Bucky, bent over, clutching his side, his weight resting on one leg. There's a Hydra agent on the floor, dead. His ice-cold eyes are even more translucent now, white-blonde hair matted with blood, face frozen in a sneer.

“White Wolf?” Sam hurries to Bucky's side.

“Falcon,” Bucky acknowledges.

“How bad are your injuries?” Sam asks, securing the other end of the hallway.

“Broken ankle, stab in the side. Few bruises, broken nose, nothing too bad.”

“Ouch. Come on, let’s get out of here,” Sam replies and touches his ear piece. “Heard that, Control?”

“ _Copy. We’re sending in the guards and cleaning crew; the rest are waiting for you upstairs.”_

Sam pulls Bucky’s arm over his shoulder and together they make their way out.

  
  


Steve only relaxes when they're in the Quinjet, on their way home. As far as missions go, this one was not that hard, everyone worked together and worked well. The only real injury is Bucky’s broken ankle, but that is because of the fall, not the fight. Still, anything could have gone wrong even with the best plan, so Steve's satisfied. They got off the Raft all in one piece.

Steve watches the other agents, all chattering about a mission gone well. He catches Maria looking and smiles.

“We did good Steve,” she says. “They did good out there. This is really the start of something new and truly exciting.”

Steve nods. “Yeah, I have a good feeling about this too.”

Maria gives him a pat on the shoulder before leaving to write up her report and call Fury. Steve dismisses the others and makes his way to the med bay. Bucky will need X-rays and a cast.

  
  


Steve waits, with patience that he finally managed to somehow build after two lifetimes... one clearly wasn’t enough. Scott and Sam are helping Bucky walk, the rest following behind. Everyone wants to make sure Bucky is okay and not just downplaying his injuries. Steve stands to the side, waiting his turn. Thirty minutes later, Bucky comes out with a moon boot and a huge smile.

“Hey guys! Thought I smelled something...” he jokes and laughs as they all protest and pretend to smack him. Steve just watches, until Sam pulls him into their crowd, adrenaline escaping them in giggles and silly puns.

Bucky waits for a quiet moment and raises his arms. “I think… if our good FalCap and Commander deem us fit, we can all go take a _long_ shower and then we can have a movie night… with huge, double-cheese pizzas!”

Steve folds his arms and pretends to be deep in thought, then smiles and shrugs. “The order's already been placed. You have thirty minutes before they deliver.”

The cheers are loud when they all finally vacate the med bay, leaving Bucky and Steve in the hallway.

“You going to be okay, or do you need some help?” Steve asks, and Bucky looks down at his side and leg.

“I’m going to need some help. The stab wound is shallow, but, uhm… it’s easier with help,” Bucky answers, his face soft, his eyes tender.

Steve steps up. “Yes. Yes, it is.” His smile is blinding. “So, the shower in your room, or the communal one?”

“My rooms, please,” Bucky sighs in relief.

  
  


Once out of the shower, Bucky pulls on his comfortable drawstring sweatpants and a plain black T-shirt; the moon boot is back on, the bandage around his side. Steve is dressed similarly. Steve stayed outside while Bucky showered, only stepping in to help him get over the small step. While Bucky got dressed, Steve quickly showered as well. They share the sink, then stand in front of the mirror, brushing their hair. The small bathroom feels a bit crowded with both of them - luckily a full half of the wall is covered in a mirror, otherwise they would’ve had to practically embrace...

Not like it would have been such a hardship.

“You know, I was scared there for a moment,” Steve starts, putting his inhaler into his trouser pocket. His eyes seek out Bucky’s in the mirror.

“About the mission?”

“No, about that handler. And about you not wanting to see Zemo.”

“Oh... Yeah, the handler was a bit of a surprise, but I accepted the fact that I will probably run into them a long time ago. Now that Hydra is starting to grow again, I have to be ready for what happens when I do see them. I'd recognise any of the handlers... but there's not many left alive today. Some are way too old and have retired, but that's the minority. Other just have desk jobs, from what I gather,” Bucky answers.

“And Zemo?”

“I… uh, I know I have to face him one day, but I’m not… it’s not that I’m not ready, I just… I don’t think that’s a good idea, you know?”

Steve stops brushing his hair and turns to face Bucky. “I don’t know, but I do understand. It’s your choice. You did good out there, and you are ready for whatever might be waiting. I’m not worried about you, well... no more than usual, but that’s not going to change,” Steve says and starts putting his stuff away in his toiletry bag.

Bucky watches him in the mirror, the blonde who still spends time fixing his hair, only so the cowlick can rebel once more. The man who took Bucky’s heart when he was a fifteen-year-old boy, and carried it with him through two lifetimes.

Bucky has spent the past few days building up enough courage to ask him out, but so far, he has no idea how. Then this whole last minute mission...

In the end, maybe he doesn’t need to figure out the perfect way, or the perfect day. This, right here, this is _everything_ to him. This moment with Steve, after a mission, still alive.

“Steve…” Bucky’s voice is soft, uncertain. Steve turns to him.

“You okay Buck? Need anything?”

Bucky watches the young face. The nose, crooked after too many fights, is still the same. The eyes, still blue like the skies, making Bucky feel he could just leap and fly.

“Buck?”

“I’m okay.”

“You su...” Steve trails off as Bucky takes a step closer, their faces inches apart. Bucky once again has to look down - not as much as before, though. Steve looks up at him, a small frown between his eyes.

“Stevie-”

“Buck?”

“Gooutwithme,” Bucky rambles, still staring into Steve’s eyes, fidgeting with the hem of his T-shirt.

Steve's eyes soften and start to pool with brightness and joy, masking as tears. So long… they've waited so long. Bucky has waited _lifetimes._ Steve had given it up, without even realizing the treasure he had. Sought out shiny trinkets, instead of the diamond right here in front of him.

“It would be my privilege and my honour to go out with you, Bucky,” he says quietly.

Bucky’s face nearly splits in two. “I wanted to ask you so many times, this past week... but I didn’t know _how,_ or _when?_ Should I write it down, say it with flowers? Make a big thing out of it? Then there was the-”

“Stop,” Steve interrupts and takes a step closer, putting his hands on Bucky’s cheeks. “Buck, you can write it in the sky, make an international announcement... or just text me, or ask me in a humid bathroom. The answer will always be the same. In the end, this, here - you and me, that's what matters. _Not without you,_ I understand that now. _With you_ is so much better, _with you_ makes sense, _with you_ is home. _With you_ is all I need."

Tears stream down Steve's cheeks as he continues, “I love you, Buck. I’m sorry it took me this long to say it, but if given the chance, I will say it to you every day. The first thing you hear when you wake up, the last thing you hear when you go to sleep... you will never, ever have to doubt me again. You will never have to wonder and hope again. I _love_ you. In the end, you have always been the only one to accept me, the _real_ me. Since the beginning, two poor boys running around, me with those damn newspaper in my shoes and your old shirts that were way too big on me. So yes, I will go out with you. One request though,” he grins.

“What?” Bucky asks. He's crying too, Steve’s hands wet from his tears. Steve doesn’t mind. He just leans closer, till they're sharing the same breath.

“From now on, I want every dance. The first one, the last one, and every one in between,” he whispers.

Bucky nods, and Steve closes the distance, softly brushing his lips over Bucky’s. Somehow Bucky ends up holding Steve close, but Steve doesn’t remember when those arms encircled him.

He isn’t complaining.

The kiss is light and full of promise. Bucky slowly pulls away, opening his eyes to look at Steve. “You can have them all. You’re the only one I want to dance with, in this reality, or any others.”

Steve mirrors his smile and kisses him again.


	46. what's next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our thank you's and future plans, a sneak-peek of the promised first date... and the final fanart 🙃

kocuria's note:

One rainy Thursday in May 2019 I saw an awesome fic in need of a beta and thought to myself: why not? The rest is history. Rose is the reason I took a more active role in fandom - first as a beta, then an artist, then finally a writer... that all started with Rose's [Almost](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759658).

When we started this, we never imagined it'd grow to become this 210k monstrosity of an angsty slowburn. The literal hundreds of hours we spent talking and brainstorming and throwing chapters back-and-forth and egging each other on over the last 14 months.

Holy fuck.

The story is not over - we've put those boys through way too much not to give them a happily ever after. Keep your eyes peeled, there will be more drabbles, outtakes and extras in this 'verse - not forming another story arc, just whatever strikes our fancy. We absolutely welcome ideas for those, and we promise to try to keep our natural angst tendencies in check 😉  
There's a sweet snippet for you below, to prove that we can, in fact, make fluff... occasionally 😂

To Rose: thank you for taking a chance on me and dragging me so deep into this fandom 😘

To our readers: you're fucking amazing and we couldn't've done it without you. Every single comment, every idea you gave us, every kudos - those have meant and continue to mean the world to us.

Rose's note:

If someone told me, a little over a year ago, that I would get so deep into the Stucky fandom and write one of the biggest and longest stories in my entire life... I would have laughed and said, “No… I don’t believe you.”

Here we are.

For someone who loves writing, I am kind of stuck on saying how thankful I am for every single person out there, spending their precious time reading this, getting involved with me and my stories. The comments you've given... I actually take screenshots and keep them with me, to motivate me, to put a smile on my face when the world is getting too much. I have closer relationships with people all over the world, now, than some of the people in my “real life”. And honestly? I would rather take this amazing connection we have here, than something shallow out there, any day. I may not know you all personally - your real names, your favourite colours, what time you get up and how many sugars you take in your coffee - but I know you've made my day so many times... and you say, through the comments, I made a difference in your days as well.

I can’t ask for more, can I? ❤️

From the bottom of my heart, I want to say: **thank you.** Thank you for being with us on this journey. It’s been so long, 12 months so far for _5 Seconds_ and _Time..._ and the snippets? No idea…😊

kocuria, you know how much I value you, how thankful I am for you. This would not have been possible without you pushing me to grow, to reach further, to really dig deep. And to think, when I told you about this story, it was originally to be 20 chapters… 😁 The entire story, dear readers, both _5 Seconds_ and _Time,_ was originally to be 20 chapters total. kocuria was like, “No, break it up! Two parts!”  
Thank you. Looking forward to more adventures with you 😊

Readers... Thank you… THANK YOU. The comments, the ideas, the feedback… At some point, we were looking forward to your comments more than to the actual story being published. I love you, all of you, and I wish I could go to you all, wherever you are in the world, and just hug you.

Thank you.

Full timeline for the series: [PART 1](https://i.imgur.com/u0ogEGA.png) _(The Power of Five Seconds)_ and [PART 2](https://i.imgur.com/lm3awlA.png) _(Time is a Metaphor)_

We're aiming for snippets to come out every Saturday, starting next week – make sure to subscribe to [the series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1416133)to get notified when they're posted! 😉 and if you want to find us on Tumblr - we're [CrushedRose](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/) and [kocuria](https://kocuria.tumblr.com) 🙃

First date snippet sneak-peek: (we promised you fluff, did we not? 😁)

> Bucky takes a breath and knocks.
> 
> The door opens.
> 
> For a moment, they just stare at each other, stunned, beaming.
> 
> Bucky's the first to find his words. "Hi, Stevie."
> 
> "Hey, Buck," Steve whispers.
> 
> Bucky holds out his hand and Steve takes it, noticing the slight tremor running through it. Their fingers intertwine and they both calm down instantly.
> 
> It's going to be okay. No, it's going to be _perfect._
> 
> "Shall we?" Bucky asks and Steve nods, smiling softly.
> 
> "Yes, please."

**Author's Note:**

> Let us know what you think! We love hearing (and incorporating 🤗) your ideas 💗  
>   
>   
>   
>   
> 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Value of Time - moodboards & fanart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19731532) by [kocuria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria), [kocuria-visuals (kocuria)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria-visuals)




End file.
